@yogahh honestly I do get it and feel bad for you, some people are life's takers and sometimes we just have to try and be the better person. But it sucks, it 100% sucks and is easier from a distance to dish all this out and hard when it's you getting your feelings trampled on. I love that you may call her tho. I really really really hope she isn't shitty. Now go and make all your fab cookie things for tomorrow!!! Ho Ho and all that!
@yogahh I have to agree that I wouldn't consider that email an "apology" either. It's a little like saying "I'm sorry you feel that way" and not "I'm sorry I made you feel that way."
@yogahh, I wouldn't consider that an apology either. I agree, she probably does feel sorry with how the relationship is and it probably is bothering her, however, there wasn't responsibility taken for how she hurt you. It's all been how she is the victim.
Your mom sounds just like my husband's mom. Exactly. The. Same. DH went through the manipulations, insults, belittling, and guilt-trips for years. She would pull the same crap: made him feel awful then either call a week later like nothing happened or say she was just upset and buy him some things then make him feel bad if he wouldn't "accept" what she had given him (even though it wasn't an apology). He finally told her, like you did with your mom, until she can have a positive conversation without treating him like a 5 year old and have the insults and belittling, we won't be in contact with them. It's been about a year and a half now. We had to have some contact with her when we visited his grandparents when his grandma (her mom) was on her deathbed. That only led to more hostility, which unfortunately reinforced his decision to not talk with her. It was the same cycle over and over. Whenever my husband got his hopes up that things would be better and things seems to be going well, she would turn on him and it would be the same antics. It was one long roller coaster ride. I told my husband she probably will never apologize so if he is hoping for that, he is probably setting himself up for disappointment. At this point, he is just looking for a civil conversation and her to acknowledge her part in our/their (DH and his mom's) relationship. She did call a few weeks ago and left a voicemail saying it has been brought to her attention that she has been seen as selfish and controlling. Her response is neither she nor DH's dad has ever been selfish or controlling, and she is just a strong, opinionated, vocal woman. Instead, DH needs to look at his friends and ask himself if his friends have been selfish and manipulated him (she hates DH's former roommate and was referring to him with that comment). She also said he has no idea how much hurt he has caused his parents by not talking to them and they want to include us in holidays and such (I'm sure it has hurt them. This hasn't been easy for him/us either). I know that was her trying to reach out and while it was a more "civil" conversation, there was no acknowledgement made on her part. So, no contact continues and his mom and dad don't know about their first grandchild. DH is fine with that and I trust he is making the best decision for him, me, and our future daughter.
Long story short, I know it's not easy to break contact with family. Whatever you decide to do, you need to do what is best for you and your immediately family. I think about our daughter and DH and I don't want her around people who are negative, insulting, or manipulative. Even if we are with his parents, they still do the digs and gult-trips, and make things so much more stressful. For us, it wasn't worth it and it wasn't changing. Why keep bashing our heads against the wall?
@yogahh That was not an apology, by saying that the relationship got out of hand she's assigning equal fault to herself and you. She has not acknowledged her wrong in any way. I suggest you leave her alone on Christmas and just focus on you and your husband. If you call I predict that she is going to first play the victim, and if you don't fall for that she's going to lash out and be very hurtful. Maybe a "merry Christmas" text is a compromise that could avoid excessive drama. You deserve a happy Christmas. Good luck with whatever you decide.
After the holidays, I would take that initial scathing email and using red font, make corrective statements the way a professor would. Harassment, lies, verbal abuse, and unacceptable language should all be pointed out and once complete, email it back with a short note that she is not allowed to attack you or your husband like this.
And your poor DH, if she can be so cruel and nasty to you, I wonder what he's been having to put up with when she was unsupervised.
@yogahh honestly I do get it and feel bad for you, some people are life's takers and sometimes we just have to try and be the better person. But it sucks, it 100% sucks and is easier from a distance to dish all this out and hard when it's you getting your feelings trampled on. I love that you may call her tho. I really really really hope she isn't shitty. Now go and make all your fab cookie things for tomorrow!!! Ho Ho and all that!
@yogahh I'm going to be the angel (devil?) on your other shoulder:)
Don't call. Cut her off: you've done enough, and you've been accommodating her for *years* while she took advantage of you and victimized you by playing the victim.
You've spent years accommodating her: let her spend a few years trying to figure out what she's done wrong and how to make it up to you.
One more note: you've said that she's alienated the rest of her family--remember, she's the common denominator.
I had to set firm boundaries on the pop-in thing last year, when I bought my grandparent's house. It's two minutes from my parents, and since they had my mom's parents living there for the past 25 years, they were all too familiar with my grandparents showing up at/in/around their house, unannounced at random times, and promised they would never be like that when I took over the grandparent's house.
I just wrote several paragraphs on all of the times they ended up violating this promise, which will be super boring for anyone else so I deleted it all, but...
We had to have a firm talk after a while, and they've been really good ever since. It's hard when sometimes I'm happy for them to just pop over, but found for the times I'm not fine with it, it's better to have a solid, clearly laid out policy that you always call before you come over. If I don't answer, it doesn't mean come over and poke around to see what's going on, it means you're not coming over. The hardest part is that I realize I don't want to be hypocritical, so I've had to work hard at calling ahead when I'm coming over to their house, which is hard after a lifetime of living there and just going over whenever, but worth it to maintain the standard! Point is, it's worth it to establish clear boundaries, although I know not everyone is lucky enough to deal with people who respect boundaries and understand logic.
My dad did the pop in a lot after we bought the house from him. I get it, you lived there for 20 years. But this was just after my husband and I got married and we were trying to have a baby .... Eventually my husband made an off hand comment about walking around naked sometimes, dad never popped in unannounced again.
Tonight at Christmas dinner my mil served cake with amaretto in it without mentioning the booze. Not only to pregnant me but to my one and a half year old son. Then told me it wasn't enough to hurt him. I'm the one that noticed it was a boozy cake, I could taste it, there was alcohol in it and therefore not ok for a toddler!!
And no it wasn't the kind that you put in the batter and it mostly bakes out, it was the kind where you drizzle it over the finished cake.
Tonight at Christmas dinner my mil served cake with amaretto in it without mentioning the booze. Not only to pregnant me but to my one and a half year old son. Then told me it wasn't enough to hurt him. I'm the one that noticed it was a boozy cake, I could taste it, there was alcohol in it and therefore not ok for a toddler!!
And no it wasn't the kind that you put in the batter and it mostly bakes out, it was the kind where you drizzle it over the finished cake.
We got a gift sent to us from my brother in law (another one, not the drama queen) - bottle of wine and some fancy unpasteurized cheeses. #geethanks
Tonight at Christmas dinner my mil served cake with amaretto in it without mentioning the booze. Not only to pregnant me but to my one and a half year old son. Then told me it wasn't enough to hurt him. I'm the one that noticed it was a boozy cake, I could taste it, there was alcohol in it and therefore not ok for a toddler!!
And no it wasn't the kind that you put in the batter and it mostly bakes out, it was the kind where you drizzle it over the finished cake.
Tonight at Christmas dinner my mil served cake with amaretto in it without mentioning the booze. Not only to pregnant me but to my one and a half year old son. Then told me it wasn't enough to hurt him. I'm the one that noticed it was a boozy cake, I could taste it, there was alcohol in it and therefore not ok for a toddler!!
And no it wasn't the kind that you put in the batter and it mostly bakes out, it was the kind where you drizzle it over the finished cake.
It should be fine--I'm Jewish but I grew up in an Italian neighborhood and on Christmas *everyone* ate these rum balls like they were popcorn. I couldn't stand them (as it turns out, I am not a rum person). But omg, could you taste the rum. No adverse effects, though.
Anyway, it really isn't enough to do any damage, to a toddler or a pregnant woman, even if the cake/ball is soaked in liquor.
Hosts and hostesses have a lot to think about! Keeping everyone's dietary needs in mind is a huge task and we should be grateful when our hosts remember at all.
And at least it wasn't the entrees! I can't tell you how many meals I've had to just make toast for myself when I was vegan.
Hah! I had one boyfriend in college who brought me home for the holidays and assured me that he'd told his folks that I didn't eat any animal products: so they'd re-jiggered their whole holiday banquet to have fish as their main entree! We all felt pretty awful: they didn't get their traditional Christmas ham and I had nothing to eat but toast and jam (the side dishes were all made with bacon!).
Hosts and hostesses have a lot to think about! Keeping everyone's dietary needs in mind is a huge task and we should be grateful when our hosts remember at all.
And at least it wasn't the entrees! I can't tell you how many meals I've had to just make toast for myself when I was vegan.
Hah! I had one boyfriend in college who brought me home for the holidays and assured me that he'd told his folks that I didn't eat any animal products: so they'd re-jiggered their whole holiday banquet to have fish as their main entree! We all felt pretty awful: they didn't get their traditional Christmas ham and I had nothing to eat but toast and jam (the side dishes were all made with bacon!).
It's more than a dietary need. They feed a toddler a cake with liquor on it. I agree that there are a lot of dietary restrictions now- it's a lot for a host to keep up with. But it's just common sense not to give a kid a cake drizzled in liquor (although a slab of that right now would be delish to me!)
Tonight at Christmas dinner my mil served cake with amaretto in it without mentioning the booze. Not only to pregnant me but to my one and a half year old son. Then told me it wasn't enough to hurt him. I'm the one that noticed it was a boozy cake, I could taste it, there was alcohol in it and therefore not ok for a toddler!!
And no it wasn't the kind that you put in the batter and it mostly bakes out, it was the kind where you drizzle it over the finished cake.
This would have made me fuming!
I was annoyed as it was that family kept saying they "felt bad" that I had DS eat real food before having a cookie. He was fine, ate real food, and only wanted half of a cookie (he handed the other half to my grandmother to eat). On Christmas, he was stuffed full of m&ms slowly but surely without enough food to balance things out and vomited on himself, me, and a new stuffed animal.*sigh*
Hosts and hostesses have a lot to think about! Keeping everyone's dietary needs in mind is a huge task and we should be grateful when our hosts remember at all.
And at least it wasn't the entrees! I can't tell you how many meals I've had to just make toast for myself when I was vegan.
Hah! I had one boyfriend in college who brought me home for the holidays and assured me that he'd told his folks that I didn't eat any animal products: so they'd re-jiggered their whole holiday banquet to have fish as their main entree! We all felt pretty awful: they didn't get their traditional Christmas ham and I had nothing to eat but toast and jam (the side dishes were all made with bacon!).
It's more than a dietary need. They feed a toddler a cake with liquor on it. I agree that there are a lot of dietary restrictions now- it's a lot for a host to keep up with. But it's just common sense not to give a kid a cake drizzled in liquor (although a slab of that right now would be delish to me!)
Exactly, of course that much isn't going to harm either of us but come on! Plus I had to ask three times if it was boozy before she admitted it THEN she argued against me taking it away.
I suppose I should add the backstory that she's constantly trying to hide things she knows I don't eat in food. Not end of the world stuff, but a dick move none the less.
Exactly, of course that much isn't going to harm either of us but come on! Plus I had to ask three times if it was boozy before she admitted it THEN she argued against me taking it away.
I suppose I should add the backstory that she's constantly trying to hide things she knows I don't eat in food. Not end of the world stuff, but a dick move none the less. ******** @MrsKubley She's playing games with you. Not only would I have been fuming, I would have focused my maternal RAGE and scolded the shit out of her before I left. No cursing cause of Jesus, but a definite How DARE You! speech. Then most likely leave if she didn't apologize.
@MrsKubley I would have been livid. My FIL once jokingly asked if DS wanted coffee and we had a convo about even joking about offering him things he's not allowed (it's not fair, potentially harmful, goes against our wishes as his parents), so I can only imagine how you felt about alcohol.
If it were me I would ask what's in everything repeatedly before you or your child consumes it, just to reinforce that you and your partner are the ones who decide what your child eats and when. Who serves a child and pregnant woman alcohol and then tries to cover it up?!
@MrsKubley I would have been livid. My FIL once jokingly asked if DS wanted coffee and we had a convo about even joking about offering him things he's not allowed (it's not fair, potentially harmful, goes against our wishes as his parents), so I can only imagine how you felt about alcohol.
If it were me I would ask what's in everything repeatedly before you or your child consumes it, just to reinforce that you and your partner are the ones who decide what your child eats and when. Who serves a child and pregnant woman alcohol and then tries to cover it up?!
She gave him coffee when we were here for his first birthday!!!! And I had to explain to sil's fiance that popcorn is a toddler choking hazard.
Re: Holiday Edition! Problematic Parents/In-laws
Your mom sounds just like my husband's mom. Exactly. The. Same. DH went through the manipulations, insults, belittling, and guilt-trips for years. She would pull the same crap: made him feel awful then either call a week later like nothing happened or say she was just upset and buy him some things then make him feel bad if he wouldn't "accept" what she had given him (even though it wasn't an apology). He finally told her, like you did with your mom, until she can have a positive conversation without treating him like a 5 year old and have the insults and belittling, we won't be in contact with them. It's been about a year and a half now. We had to have some contact with her when we visited his grandparents when his grandma (her mom) was on her deathbed. That only led to more hostility, which unfortunately reinforced his decision to not talk with her. It was the same cycle over and over. Whenever my husband got his hopes up that things would be better and things seems to be going well, she would turn on him and it would be the same antics. It was one long roller coaster ride. I told my husband she probably will never apologize so if he is hoping for that, he is probably setting himself up for disappointment. At this point, he is just looking for a civil conversation and her to acknowledge her part in our/their (DH and his mom's) relationship. She did call a few weeks ago and left a voicemail saying it has been brought to her attention that she has been seen as selfish and controlling. Her response is neither she nor DH's dad has ever been selfish or controlling, and she is just a strong, opinionated, vocal woman. Instead, DH needs to look at his friends and ask himself if his friends have been selfish and manipulated him (she hates DH's former roommate and was referring to him with that comment). She also said he has no idea how much hurt he has caused his parents by not talking to them and they want to include us in holidays and such (I'm sure it has hurt them. This hasn't been easy for him/us either). I know that was her trying to reach out and while it was a more "civil" conversation, there was no acknowledgement made on her part. So, no contact continues and his mom and dad don't know about their first grandchild. DH is fine with that and I trust he is making the best decision for him, me, and our future daughter.
Long story short, I know it's not easy to break contact with family. Whatever you decide to do, you need to do what is best for you and your immediately family. I think about our daughter and DH and I don't want her around people who are negative, insulting, or manipulative. Even if we are with his parents, they still do the digs and gult-trips, and make things so much more stressful. For us, it wasn't worth it and it wasn't changing. Why keep bashing our heads against the wall?
That was not an apology, by saying that the relationship got out of hand she's assigning equal fault to herself and you. She has not acknowledged her wrong in any way.
I suggest you leave her alone on Christmas and just focus on you and your husband. If you call I predict that she is going to first play the victim, and if you don't fall for that she's going to lash out and be very hurtful. Maybe a "merry Christmas" text is a compromise that could avoid excessive drama.
You deserve a happy Christmas.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
After the holidays, I would take that initial scathing email and using red font, make corrective statements the way a professor would. Harassment, lies, verbal abuse, and unacceptable language should all be pointed out and once complete, email it back with a short note that she is not allowed to attack you or your husband like this.
And your poor DH, if she can be so cruel and nasty to you, I wonder what he's been having to put up with when she was unsupervised.
Don't call. Cut her off: you've done enough, and you've been accommodating her for *years* while she took advantage of you and victimized you by playing the victim.
You've spent years accommodating her: let her spend a few years trying to figure out what she's done wrong and how to make it up to you.
One more note: you've said that she's alienated the rest of her family--remember, she's the common denominator.
And no it wasn't the kind that you put in the batter and it mostly bakes out, it was the kind where you drizzle it over the finished cake.
Anyway, it really isn't enough to do any damage, to a toddler or a pregnant woman, even if the cake/ball is soaked in liquor.
And at least it wasn't the entrees! I can't tell you how many meals I've had to just make toast for myself when I was vegan.
Hah! I had one boyfriend in college who brought me home for the holidays and assured me that he'd told his folks that I didn't eat any animal products: so they'd re-jiggered their whole holiday banquet to have fish as their main entree! We all felt pretty awful: they didn't get their traditional Christmas ham and I had nothing to eat but toast and jam (the side dishes were all made with bacon!).
And at least it wasn't the entrees! I can't tell you how many meals I've had to just make toast for myself when I was vegan.
Hah! I had one boyfriend in college who brought me home for the holidays and assured me that he'd told his folks that I didn't eat any animal products: so they'd re-jiggered their whole holiday banquet to have fish as their main entree! We all felt pretty awful: they didn't get their traditional Christmas ham and I had nothing to eat but toast and jam (the side dishes were all made with bacon!).
It's more than a dietary need. They feed a toddler a cake with liquor on it. I agree that there are a lot of dietary restrictions now- it's a lot for a host to keep up with. But it's just common sense not to give a kid a cake drizzled in liquor (although a slab of that right now would be delish to me!)
I was annoyed as it was that family kept saying they "felt bad" that I had DS eat real food before having a cookie. He was fine, ate real food, and only wanted half of a cookie (he handed the other half to my grandmother to eat). On Christmas, he was stuffed full of m&ms slowly but surely without enough food to balance things out and vomited on himself, me, and a new stuffed animal.*sigh*
Exactly, of course that much isn't going to harm either of us but come on! Plus I had to ask three times if it was boozy before she admitted it THEN she argued against me taking it away.
I suppose I should add the backstory that she's constantly trying to hide things she knows I don't eat in food. Not end of the world stuff, but a dick move none the less.
I suppose I should add the backstory that she's constantly trying to hide things she knows I don't eat in food. Not end of the world stuff, but a dick move none the less.
********
@MrsKubley
She's playing games with you. Not only would I have been fuming, I would have focused my maternal RAGE and scolded the shit out of her before I left. No cursing cause of Jesus, but a definite How DARE You! speech. Then most likely leave if she didn't apologize.
If it were me I would ask what's in everything repeatedly before you or your child consumes it, just to reinforce that you and your partner are the ones who decide what your child eats and when. Who serves a child and pregnant woman alcohol and then tries to cover it up?!