Estranged relatives/in-laws/friends?

joleri23 · December 2015

Who all has them? I just hate feeling alone and thought maybe some of you would like to commiserate. We're somewhat estranged from DH's sister, brother and mother. It's bringing up all sorts of emotions now that I'm pregnant. Most notably, me and my SIL (DH's brother's wife) had a falling out this summer and I'm still reeling from it. We didn't have a great relationship, but I also never expected it to end. She's someone I thought I would be able to turn to at this chapter in my life and ask for advice and it hurts not having her around - even knowing it was a necessary ending doesn't make it any easier!

As far as DH's brother and sister goes, they seem to have no interest whatsoever in their future niece/nephew - somewhat expected, but it still hurts. I guess our little one just won't have blood cousins.

And finally, DH's mom is the tricky one. They've had a rough relationship since he was 15 or so. She has shown some interest in the baby, but she's hurt me in a lot of ways over the years and I don't know what to do with her. Do I invite her to my baby shower? I feel like it might just stress me out to see her, but is this my chance to hold out an olive branch?

Anyway, please feel free to commiserate, although I hope too many of you don't have to! I just find that being pregnant dredges up all these hard emotions for me and was wondering if anyone was going through something similar.

ETA: We live 2,000 miles away from these people, which was hard enough even before recent estrangements!

ETA (again): Because we live 2,000 miles away, I will be flying back there at the end of March and having a baby shower then. It's sooner than a normal baby shower would be. Sorry, I forgot to mention it because of pregnancy brain.

mrsmommya · December 2015

I am not in your situation, but if you live 2000 miles away I can't imagine they will make it to the baby shower....however I think to not add fuel to the fire an invitation should be extended.

BostonBaby1 · December 2015

You are so far away from a baby shower, don't even worry about that. At least not yet. Right now try to focus your energy on feeling good and staying healthy.

I'm sure a lot of us have some family members that are estranged. I know I have a couple but I don't have any concern about them not being in my child's life. This had been a long term estrangement (20 years) and I'm lucky that I have a lot of other very good family members. If you want my two cents, it's that it's best to focus on the people that will bring positivity into your and your child's life.

itstheblackwidowbaby · December 2015

Lurker here - I haven't spoken to my father in almost...three years I think? When I found out I was pregnant I did seriously debate letting him know that he would be getting a grandchild out of me, but I ultimately decided that I had cut him out of my life for him being what you'd call a "toxic person" for me - why would I want to potentially expose my child to him?

As far as an olive branch toward your MIL, if you decide that you do want to try, maybe just have a weekly/biweekly/monthly call or even call her after the big appointments with your OB. For your ILs kids, your kids don't need to know about you not getting along when it gets to that point of you ever end up at a large family function together. You have a few years to worry about that though.

On another note, don't let pregnancy give you rose colored glasses either so to speak. You cut these people out for a reason. Do you really want to expose your child to them?

blackgirlmagic · December 2015

I agree that the baby shower is so far away, but I would think about extending the olive branch as well. I have had issues with my mom and I did not invite her to my graduation party from college and I felt bad and I kind of regretted it. But our relationship was not good then at all. I shortly got married after college and I tired to include her in my wedding planning, an olive branch, and she did ok. I'm slowly letting my mom back into my life but under my own rules because I still have hurt feelings from the past and I need to protect myself. I think that inviting your MIL to the baby shower will be a good thing. It is only for a couple of hours and then she is gone again. Just set parameters for yourself and let your close friends and family know that they are so they can keep an eye out for her actions and let them react to it. I think that if you do not at least invite her things could take even longer to be repaired, if that is what you are looking for. You never know she might not even come.

joleri23 · December 2015

@mrsmommya @BostonBaby1 @BeachTigress After reading your responses I realized I left an important piece of data out of my post, and my original edit: I'll be flying 2,000 miles for the baby shower at the end of March (while I can still travel). Yes, it's still three months away, but it's a little closer than a "normal" baby shower would have been.

blackgirlmagic · December 2015

Everything still stands with what I said. There is now a better chance of your MIL coming to the shower but you can still have things go your way. It's your day and no one can still your thunder. Unless you MIL is the type of person to make a scene in front of people she does not know. I thought that my mother was one of those people, but she was really well behaved on the day of my wedding. When it really matters I think that people can be kind and polite when they truly see that you are happy.

crixiegirl · December 2015

I've had some serious family things happen in the past few years...my sisters and I are no longer in contact with our mother for many reasons. Due to that we've fallen out of contact with other family members as well as gotten closer to others that we weren't close with before. I live 3000+ away from everyone in my family and even dh's family isn't super close. I rely on my very good friends here and still being in touch with the family that matters and isn't toxic to me in my life. There is no way that my mother will have anything to do with this baby or be told other than by word of mouth. This is just my life though and I'm able to let those things go and move on in a positive direction. It's been harder for my sisters as they are different people and had kids while my mom was still in the picture. Everyone is different and can cope with these types of situations differently. Pregnancy can change the way you think about these things and I've always been told not to make any major life decisions while pregnant, but do what's best for you and your family!

ButterMyBiscuit · December 2015

My parents are estranged as well as my husband's brother and his wife. All completely toxic people and relationships. I was upset about my son only having one active grandparent and cousins only on my side but really our lives have never been better. I was an emotional wreck dealing with all of their mess. It's much healthier not having them around and my son is SO loved.

BostonBaby1 · December 2015

I'm going to have to agree with what has been said above which is that it doesn't change my point of view. If she is toxic and will cause stress, you do not need to invite her. Obviously, none of us know what has transpired in your family. Some people have estrangements over much more minor things than others. The question to ask yourself is do you think she will continue to hurt you? If you do not think so, why is that? What has she done to change? Or what have you done to change the situation?

joleri23 · December 2015

crixiegirl said:

Pregnancy can change the way you think about these things and I've always been told not to make any major life decisions while pregnant, but do what's best for you and your family!

This cracked me up! I think it's solid advice to not make major life decisions while pregnant.

carrieandr · December 2015

DH won't speak to his brothers or sister so I have never met them. I do know his mother, though, and she and I hope that I can meet the siblings eventually. I'm hoping the baby would be an acceptable reason for DH to let me meet them, but I don't know. I'm not looking to be besties with them or anything, out of respect for DH, but I'd like to meet them once. DH's father died years before we met, so I already missed out on knowing him.

austinjl · December 2015

My husband doesn't speak with his family. He did briefly a few years ago and they did attend our wedding. My husband was happy because his nephews and nieces got to be in our wedding. About a month later shit hit the fan and he dropped contact again. He's not happy about it and wishes they could all resolve things but he knows what to expect from his family and doesn't want the negativity. I think you need to keep positive and supportive people around you! If you think there's a chance to work things out, it doesn't hurt to try. But make sure both sides are working on it. People typically only change if they want to...an outside party can't force them. Good luck!

erin7264 · December 2015

DH does not talk to either of his parents, and I'm totally OK with that. He has extremely valid reasons for disowning both of them (separately) and I firmly believe that "blood" and "family" are not good enough reasons to allow shitty people to continue to be part of our lives. He does a good job of avoiding the people he does not want to see, and his family does not give him any grief over it, which makes it easier.

I tell him he can have my parents. They like him a lot, and are supportive, reliable, decent human beings.

Y0urm0m · December 2015

We have cut out DHs parents. They are toxic people and no good comes from them.
I just want to say I agree with everything that @BostonBaby1 said. I also want to mention that people DONT change when they learn an estranged family member is pregnanat. Often things get worse.

PugsandKisses · December 2015

My grandmother is toxic. She has no contact with any family members, from her siblings, children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews.... none.
When I had my first, I want to let her know that I was married and pregnant. We sent her a baby show invite the day before the shower. We put my name is a hyphened name (it is not), and that my sister was throwing it with her hyphened name.
So she knew that my sister and I got married and I was having a child. No response. That is ok.
I don't want her back in my life. Too many hours of therapy to be were I am now.

LadyFleck · December 2015

I was estranged from my father and stepmother for two years while in college, but was able to reconcile long before I had my first son six years ago. But I think that what I learned then can certainly apply whether a baby is involved or not:

If you want them in your life, stop expecting them to change. Forgive them for their weaknesses or character flaws and accept them for who they are without condition. You free yourself from the burdens of disappointment, resentment, and anger when you do that. And they can and will be a part of your life to the extent that they are capable.

That being said, that is if and only if you WANT them in your life. Toxic people you've cut ties with don't always deserve a second chance. That is a personal decision YOU have to make. When a baby is involved, it softens your heart to family on behalf of that little, innocent, and unbiased being growing inside you, and that decision can be agonizing.

Whatever you choose, whether to include or exclude these individuals, I always opt for treating them with kindness regardless of how they treat me. And sometimes kindness means cutting them out when letting them stay would mean they'd be beaten into a pulp.

erinfey09 · December 2015

DH and I have recently limited our communication with my mom... I too am having a hard time because I would love for her to play her role in the chapter of my life but she is being very difficult about our different lifestyle and methods.

I am not sure what necessarily initiated your estrangements..

But in my situation, I'm hopeful that she will come to her senses so that when the time does come to have a baby shower, I can have everyone there (especially since my 15yo sister wants to plan it aka her other daughter)

I kind of have baby shower blues just thinking about all of the scenarios that could happen.

My advice, is do what you can without overwhelming yourself and put the ball in their court.
If they do not want to be a part of your baby's life then that will be their decision.
Yes, it's hard, but you need to do what is best for your new growing family.
... this has been my approach so far.

Best luck!

MDmomma1217 · December 2015

My mother hasn't spoken to her father, my grandfather, since my wedding almost 10 years ago (she owes him money and they had a huge falling out, in addition to some other things). I am the only one who has contact with him, and my brother and sister won't go see or call him, which makes me really sad. My grandfather has been really sick lately (complications due to colitis, arthritis, lyme's disease) and my mom has said she won't go to his funeral and is "at peace with that." I've talked to my grandmother alot over the past year about just final plans for my grandfather if and when something happens, and I am prepared and have offered to help her out monetarily. It's just a big stress knowing that I am the only one on his side of the family willing to help out, not to mention the only one who calls and goes to see him for Father's day, Thanksgiving, etc. I saw them last weekend for Christmas and he was in good spirits and it really made my day, and I'm so happy DD is around them. They are excited to see the new baby, but it really makes getting together with family difficult because I have to plan something separate if I want to see my grandparents (they live about an hour and a half from me, and about 45 minutes from my parents, so lots of driving!).

benten24 · December 2015

Last year I cut my father out of our lives, and a small part of the reason was that we were planning on becoming pregnant soon and I knew that he is utterly toxic. Now that I am expecting my first child, my mind has not changed. He doesn't deserve to be called my "dad" (I've even stopped referring to him as such, and only use his first name now), let alone being a grandfather to my baby. The man cannot treat his own child with respect and doesn't care about me, why would he care about my child? I couldn't trust him not to hurt my baby emotionally with as much scarring and pain as he has caused me, so he will never be given an opportunity to come even close to it. He lives with my grandmother down the road, so I'm sure he knows I'm pregnant, but doesn't reach out thankfully. I also do not speak with my younger brother, for many of the same reasons I don't speak to my dad. It is what it is, I have to protect my family from the hate they spew.

The best advice I can give you is that if there was a valid reason to cut them out years ago, look vary seriously to see if those issues are still around. You have to do what you have to do to protect not only yourselves, but now your child.

I've learned in life that family is who you make it, not necessarily blood. Sometimes blood runs thin and your friends may be there when blood isn't. Good luck with this struggle.

Edited to add stuff

rlopezlavalle · December 2015

I recently cut my dad (who I've always been SUPER close with) and my best friend since sixth grade out of my life. I had very valid reasons, but it does make being pregnant a little lonely. I'm not one of those people with a million friends. It absolutely was the right thing to do, especially because I need my life to be stable and healthy for my baby, but I know it's going to be hard. The up side is that motherhood is a great time to meet other new moms and get their support!

juliagulia38 · December 2015

I want to cut out MIL because she is toxic but DH doesn't agree. I hate this woman and she stresses me out. I don't want her around my kids or my family. DH and I always fight when we are around his parents. Ugh I hate it. He doesn't see what I see. He thinks I should take them as they are. I've pretty much cut her out as much as I can. Just because someone is family doesn't mean they need to be in your life. We have no relationship with SIL and her family but at family events we say hi and that's it. I'm fine with it that way. DHs family is so mean to him.

joleri23 · December 2015

juliagulia38 said:

I want to cut out MIL because she is toxic but DH doesn't agree. I hate this woman and she stresses me out. I don't want her around my kids or my family. DH and I always fight when we are around his parents. Ugh I hate it. He doesn't see what I see. He thinks I should take them as they are. I've pretty much cut her out as much as I can. Just because someone is family doesn't mean they need to be in your life. We have no relationship with SIL and her family but at family events we say hi and that's it. I'm fine with it that way. DHs family is so mean to him.

Ugh I'm sorry. Families are so hard! I know what you mean. Luckily in my case DH hasn't had a good relationship with his mom for years so he doesn't mind that I don't either, but I've tried to have relationships with his other family members and they all seem to just be pieces of crap.

fantasticmrsfox · December 2015

We haven't cut her out but we have a bad relationship with my SIL. She lies about everything and could care less about being a part of the family except during holidays.
She told Grandma that she stopped talking to us because FIL and MIL (who is her step mom) like our kid more than theirs. UH NO, we just actually make a point to be in their lives.
FIL doesn't see her negatively usually but the rest of the family (including MIL) do. We all feel uncomfortable around her.
I'm not looking forward to spending all day tomorrow with her and her fiancé (who won't speak to the family). Especially because DH won't talk to her at all.

DobbysSock · December 2015

My situation is slightly different. My father chose to keep his stepmother (who raised him - mother and father died in his childhood) out of our lives. My mother and older sister met her but shortly after my sister's birth they began to distance themselves. My father maintained contact until her death. He has been completely estranged from his older brother for as long as I remember, and maintained limited contact with his younger half brother (although we have been close with his ex wife and sons).

i believe firmly that my father was protecting us and trust his judgment. Blood doesn't give people the right to abuse or mistreat you. Family is a privilege, not a right, in my opinion, and I believe we have been better off. I don't miss these people as I never knew hem, although I wish them well and hope they have found health and happiness. I don't know how my dad feels but hope he has peace knowing he has surrounded us with loving and supportive people, some blood related and some family by choice.

My advice is, don't make the choice based on blood. MAke it on whether these people will bring good things to your life and will be a healthy influence on your children.

lillebowski23 · December 2015

DH is estranged from his father, and IMO the guy is a total Douche Bag. We've been together about 8 years and I've only met the guy one time. He is the most unplesant, angry, spiteful person. Fortunately, we don't have much, if any contact with him or the rest of that toxic side of the family.

However, within the next couple of years, DH's brother, who is autistic and cannot live on his own, will be moving in with us. He still has a relationship with this guy. DH's bro is obviously nervous about the upcoming change (even tho it is not happeining right away) and DH's Dad said to the bro, "this is going to be the worst decision of your life." What an asshole.

The whole thing makes me nervous because it most likely means baby and I will have to have some contact with this guy.

Schmooie730 · December 2015

I am very close with my moms side of the family, but my dads side? We only really talk to my grandma and sometimes his sister who lives in Hawaii. My dad passed away last year from lung cancer and at his wake his extended family wanted to start arguing and blaming each other for various things. My mom threatened to have them kicked out by her brothers and thankfully that stopped it. We purposely kept dads illness a secret from his extended family to keep them away from us during the difficult times. Now some of them want to act like they were super close to my dad even though they never once called to wish him a happy birthday or just to talk when they thought he was healthy.

My mom has been adamant about not responding to them even though I want nothing more than to scream and yell at them. Thankfully my dad was very close to my moms side of the family so he always had family who loved him no matter what.

Sometimes families are toxic and we need to just cut them out after being repeatedly shut down. Just always be grateful for the family that is supportive, there for too, and loves you no matter what, whether blood related or not.

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