Vent: pressure from in laws to have a girl is driving me freaking insane

HuggaTree · December 2015

My hubby's family is all boys. His 3 brothers have boys and his (male) cousins have boys. We have a son and we're pregnant with our second beautiful healthy boy...that's all that matters right?

So tell me why at my 12 week nucal scan my MIL texts me "do we know the gender yet?!"...not even, "is the baby healthy?". Ugh! I told her we aren't finding out (even though we did) and now all I'm hearing from hubby's side is how it needs to be a girl. Excuse me?? It needs to be healthy is what it needs to be, aholes! They're sucking the excitement out of this for us. They make comments how they can't wait to spoil a Granddaughter. Cool, so now we know who the favorite will be. Pisses me off! I repeatedly tell them that the only requirement I have is that our baby is happy and healthy and that if it's a boy then they don't have to hold him. I'm just so tired of the comments! Especially the ones like "oh you'll never have a girl, the "smith" boys don't make girls". I'm not sure any of them have any idea how gender works whatsoever.

Has anyone else had a similar experience? I don't even want to tell them when the baby is born!

kyraaD · December 2015

first off, I'm sorry you're going through this. it would drive me up the wall if any family member was putting so much importance on the sex of my baby & not seem to care whether or not he/she was healthy.
do they not realize that you have no control over what sex the baby is?? jeez. have you had a conversation with your DH about how this is making you feel? maybe he or both of you can sit down with the in-laws & discuss this & how upsetting it is for you. other than trying to talk it out, I'm not sure how you could handle the situation. maybe keep the sex of the baby just between you & DH?? I'm sorry i couldn't be much help

good luck!

meggyme · December 2015

Tell them to talk to your husband about it. He's the one that provides the X or Y chromosome.

lalala2004 · December 2015

I would go ahead and tell them the gender so they will hopefully shut up about it. If they don't, I'd make a snarky comment such as "I hope your grandson never knows how much of a disappointment he is to you for having a penis". If that doesn't shut 'em up, I don't know what will.

fourtsixand2 · December 2015

Dear In-Laws,
Wishing, dreaming, and constantly asking the gender is going to do no good.
You can "want" a girl all you want, but ultimately they have no say in the matter.

I'd politely say "we haven't found out the baby's gender yet, but whether or not it's a girl or boy, we just hope for a healthy baby. God will determine the gender, not us."

How annoying.

DrillSergeantCat · December 2015

They do realize that it's out of your control right? I'd be tempted to start getting really graphic with them and tell them, "Well we had sex with me on top, missionary, and spooning, we made sure that I didn't have an orgasm (which was very difficult as your son is extremely talented in that department), and we had sex ALL THE TIME trying to make a girl. Unfortunately, it didn't work and we're happy to say you're getting another grandson!"

flowerpower5838 · December 2015

If it were me I couldn't help myself and I'd be very passive aggressive and say something along the lines of what @lalala2004 said the next time they brought up how much this baby *NEEDS* to be a girl.

In all seriousness though, you're likely not going to stop these remarks from happening until you share the sex of your child with them. I'm not suggesting you tell them just to shut them up, but if that's what you want it might be your only solution.

Have you talked with DH about how much this bothers you? Can you implore him to say something to his family?

cMichelle0423 · December 2015

I'm currently pregnant with our 3rd boy. My family (mom, dad, and siblings) know what we're having, as well as DH's family, but we haven't told anyone else (social media etc) and everyone either assumes we HAVE to be having a girl or won't stop making comments about how it "better be a girl". I get comments all the time about it. Like "third times the charm", "can't wait to meet her!", blah blah blah. It's annoying. But I ignore it. We're ecstatic to have another boy. Yes it'd be cool to have a girl since we have two boys, but DH and I (as well as most of our family) are happy to just be having a healthy baby. My mother in law occasionally makes comments about how she really hoped we finally have a girl, and even accused us of lying about it being a boy. I had to show her an ultrasound picture for her to believe me, and even then she said I could have just shown her an old ultrasound from one of my other pregnancies. It's ridiculous but it all blows over eventually.

emgee27 · December 2015

Sadly, I can sympathize. We are a family of mostly girls and my sister is having a girl any day now. We are team green and my dad has made many comments about how he's having a granddaughter and a grandson and wouldn't it be great if it was a boy? But seriously, wouldn't it be amazing if it was a boy?? How great would it be if you had a boy???

I said to my dad frankly that he is taking away some of my excitement about not finding out until the baby is born. That my feelings are hurt thinking he won't be as happy if it's a girl and that it makes me feel bad to hear that he has a preference. I told him specifically that he can have a preference on the inside but that I absolutely do NOT want it vocalized to me or my DH. He said he didn't mean it that way and I told him that was EXACTLY what he was saying however. It kind of shocked him to hear me saying the downside, like how I'll be upset and how I will think he won't love his grandchild as much if it's a girl and that seemed to shut him up.

I really hope you are able to talk to the family frankly, whether you decide to tell them the sex or not.

jonesl12 · December 2015

lalala2004 said:
I would go ahead and tell them the gender so they will hopefully shut up about it. If they don't, I'd make a snarky comment such as "I hope your grandson never knows how much of a disappointment he is to you for having a penis". If that doesn't shut 'em up, I don't know what will.

All of this ^

goldie987 · December 2015

This is my worst fear! My MIL has 3 boys, FIL is one of 2 boys, his father is one of a few boys etc etc. She has always said after having 3 boys she decided she would have to wait for grandkids to "get my girl". She made a huge deal when we adopted a male dog because even her grand-dog was a boy. She keeps asking if they could tell the sex on the ultrasound (it was her first question after the NT scan too...) and when we say no, asking if we plan to find out. We're seriously considering finding out and just not telling her, if its a girl she's going to be unbearable wanting to be involved in every last thing with the nursery and if its a boy she's just going to be disappointed. I can't offer much advice other than seconding the snarky responses PPs offered but you aren't alone in having the crazy gender obsessed family.

SarahFoley725 · December 2015

First of all I am so sorry for all of y'all going through this. Thankfully, my family is very big on health being the most important thing. However, when we found out that we are having a girl my MIL said "well you're going to try to have a boy for the next one right?" Not anywhere near what you're experiencing but still a bit ridiculous

CharmBombExplosion · December 2015

lalala2004 said:
I would go ahead and tell them the gender so they will hopefully shut up about it. If they don't, I'd make a snarky comment such as "I hope your grandson never knows how much of a disappointment he is to you for having a penis". If that doesn't shut 'em up, I don't know what will.

This. I would definitely just tell them at this point.

HuggaTree · December 2015

Thanks for the advice ladies, I really appreciate it. We aren't planning on telling anyone the gender, we didn't tell with our first either. With my son we didn't say anything because we wanted everything to be gender neutral so we could reuse it for if we had more babies. This time around I just don't feel like satisfying anyone else's need to know our baby's sex. My own family is 2 sisters, 3 brothers, 7 nephews and 7 neices, so I don't feel pressure there at all....but I don't want to get the whole "you can try again" or "are you gonna try for a girl" or even worse, "maybe your sister in law will have a girl then"...yeah, maybe! To them it's like some mystical ability to conceive a girl, even though you all are right, it's up to hubby's sperm. I wish I would have had some snarky comment to make when she asked me about the gender instead of asking about the baby's health, I probably could have shut her up then. I feel embarrassed for her that she's acting this way to be honest. I hope I never make my son's wife as uncomfortable as she makes me.

emjeve · December 2015

I'm having the opposite problem- MIL wants a boy since she "already has 5 granddaughters". It's annoying. But we are team green so we don't know the sex. It's driving her crazy and I think it's hilarious! (BTW, both DH and I think it's another girl... We will know in 12ish weeks!!) She's also insisting we keep a name tradition going for the boys in their family, but DH and I already agreed we are ending the tradition because DH grew up being called a nickname that he hated because his dad, grandpa, and great grandpa all had the same name and he doesn't want his son to go through that... She's not happy about that either. Anyways, I do my best to ignore her comments. I know she doesn't mean any harm.

SaltyMcNulty · December 2015

I'm one of three girls, DH is one of three boys. My MIL insisted we "needed" to have a girl when I was pregnant with DS1. Well, she didn't get what she wanted, obviously. I'm now pregnant with DS2, and if I have to hear about the frilly dresses and make up she'll never be able to buy one more time, I might scream. Hello, BSC MIL! You have two other sons, go bother them for another grandbaby!

Needless to say, I have no advice, just sympathy. Oh, a wee little advice. Just ignore them. Ignore them all. What they "want" does not in the least matter.

HuggaTree · December 2015

Ignoring her seems to be the best option at this point but it's like ignoring a fly in your ear. Ugh. And I have to hear how my BIL had a hysterectomy from her...um, is anything private information anymore?

lalala2004 · December 2015

HuggaTree said:
Ignoring her seems to be the best option at this point but it's like ignoring a fly in your ear. Ugh. And I have to hear how my BIL had a hysterectomy from her...um, is anything private information anymore?

Wait....what? I'm not doctor, but I'm a little confused...

photomama142 · December 2015

Ugh, yes i can sympathize. My hubby's grandmother has talked about how great girls are, and how "don't you want a girl?!?", and how "you'll love your girls more" (yes, she actually said that...and fyi, i'm married to her son's son, and have two sons...so lots of dudes there! And all awesome ones! Love my two little men! She's been making comments like this since my first pregnancy and we were team green with that one). She even was on my case about how i should have a girl because they're so special and lije having your first child all over again when she saw me holding my two month old nephew ("doesn't that make you want to try for another? You could have a girl!") And i hadn't even told them we were pregnant with our third at that point. Now tomorrow will bethe first time seeing them since annannouncing and my hubby works so he won't even be around for Christmas Eve...ugh, im just really really not looking forward to seeing them. At all. I don't even want to talk about the baby with them.

photomama142 · December 2015

Wanted to add, i have two good friends that have all boys and you wouldnt believe the rude comments they've gotten...and on the other side, i grew up with just girls (three of us) and my dad got comments from co-workers about how much it would "suck" to have three girls...to which my dad would justshake his head and reply that well, yes, those honor student, well behaved, girls who never had a speeding ticket or car wreck, never a dui or never had to be picked up from jail, all working on getting their bachelor degrees, never an unwed pregnancy, yes totally "sucked", lol...because that was all the opposite of what many of the guys he worked with were dealing with with their sons! Just unbelievable what people say when you have either ALL boys or ALL girls! Idiots.

cmerribury · December 2015

My MIL and her husband were doing this for a while...annoyingly even after we determined (through blood tests) that it was a boy, they kept insisting that the doctors were wrong because "everyone in their family has one boy and one girl." Clearly this is how science works to them. Anyway, it sucked and made me feel like crap for my sweet son who was somehow already a disappointment to his grandparents. Thing is, I got over it because that's their loss and their disappointment. He's going to be awesome and I couldn't love him more. If they aren't on board, they will miss out.

Do your best to go to a "happy place" when she starts chattering in your ear. Just smile and nod and ignore every word that comes out of her mouth.

cmjenkies · December 2015

You would think that since I am having a girl this time around after a boy that random gender comments wouldn't get under my skin, but they do. I am thrilled to be having a daughter, DH family is chock full of boys and I thought our odds were slim. That being said, I really just wanted a happy, healthy baby. Whenever we announced it was a girl, so many people were like "Oh, I'm so excited that's exactly what I wanted for you!" "Oh, girls are the best, you're going to love it!" "Oh, now you'll have one of each, a perfect set!" I would feel sad thinking that another son would be a disappointment to people, when that is so far from the truth for my family and I.

Thank the lord for my in laws, who have been nothing but supportive of this pregnancy and excited regardless of the sex of the baby. I would have lost my mind.

I give you permission to go ahead and throat punch her, btw.

PrimRoseMama · December 2015

We had the opposite during my pregnancy with my daughter. Taiwanese culture (my in-laws) prizes boys by tradition. I did NOT invite them to any of my scans. Save yourself & make it a private medical appointment. Your doctor & nurses will respect it.

Your in-laws need to learn boundaries NOW. ASAP. Otherwise they will steam roll you once baby is here. You need your husband on board too.

Your body, your baby & whatever else that is personal is NOT up for dissection, debate or discussion. You have no control over it & tell them to drop it. I don't even mince words with my MIL anymore. I just say, "thank you for your thoughts. I'd like to talk about something else now."

If nothing else relocate yourself or go silent. They need to lay off!

missemmawoodhouse · December 2015

lalala2004 said:

HuggaTree said:
Ignoring her seems to be the best option at this point but it's like ignoring a fly in your ear. Ugh. And I have to hear how my BIL had a hysterectomy from her...um, is anything private information anymore?
Wait....what? I'm not doctor, but I'm a little confused...

I assume OP's MIL had to have a hysterectomy after giving birth to OP's BIL. At least that's how I read it.

CecilB93 · December 2015

missemmawoodhouse said:

Ignoring her seems to be the best option at this point but it's like ignoring a fly in your ear. Ugh. And I have to hear how my BIL had a hysterectomy from her...um, is anything private information anymore?
Wait....what? I'm not doctor, but I'm a little confused...
I assume OP's MIL had to have a hysterectomy after giving birth to OP's BIL. At least that's how I read it.

I'm thinking that OP meant vasectomy, not hysterectomy. Could just be a baby brain moment

lalala2004 · December 2015

CecilB93 said:

missemmawoodhouse said:

lalala2004 said:

HuggaTree said:
Ignoring her seems to be the best option at this point but it's like ignoring a fly in your ear. Ugh. And I have to hear how my BIL had a hysterectomy from her...um, is anything private information anymore?
Wait....what? I'm not doctor, but I'm a little confused...
I assume OP's MIL had to have a hysterectomy after giving birth to OP's BIL. At least that's how I read it.

I'm thinking that OP meant vasectomy, not hysterectomy. Could just be a baby brain moment

That would make more sense

Knottie83732320 · December 2015

My fiance comes from a family of 3 boys so I totally can relate. His mom wants it to be a girl so bad and is convinced it's a girl. I feel like she will be disappointed if it's a boy but I will be happy with a healthy baby whatever they may be!

akb1125 · December 2015

Ugh, my husbands family was the same way! My husband's side has all boys. The last girl born was his mom, 57 or so years ago.

I had told my husband if this baby ended up being a boy, he could tell them on his own and I didn't want to hear anything about the family curse of only having boys.

We're having a girl this time so it ended up not being an issue. Ugh but im getting mad just thinking about all the comments from my first pregnancy. I love my boy and would be lucky to have more just like him.

peregrinefalconx · December 2015

You've gotten some great answers here. I would be straight with the people that they need to "step off." Tell them it's a boy and that you don't want to hear about it anymore, no negativity. My in laws have all girls and they wanted a boy of course, but we're having a girl which we are psyched about. They'd never be so rude as to make a comment, but if they got me angry enough, I would say something.

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Vent: pressure from in laws to have a girl is driving me freaking insane

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