Ladies with relatives who smoke

egraves4 · December 2015

SO and I have been talking about this more recently, especially with all the talk of how it can increase the risk of SIDS exponentially. Both of my parents smoke and while I don't live with them or anything, they live 30 minutes away from me so I see them on a pretty regular basis. They've smoked for as long as I can remember. Throughout my pregnancy I've gone over to their house, and my SO says that whenever I come home that I basically reek of smoke. They don't smoke in the house, but they might as well because they smoke in the garage and in the 20 years they've lived there it's everywhere in the house. I try to stay away from it as much as possible since I've been pregnant, and I don't like to think about the damage of just being at the house can do.

As baby's arrival gets closer, I know that my parents expect me to spend a good amount of time around their house. I'm a FTM so I'm sure my mom thinks that I will be over a good amount. But now I'm not so sure I should even be anywhere near their house, and I'm not sure how that is going to go over with them. I would love for them to be babysitters and they've already talked about getting a crib for the house, but I don't know how comfortable I am with the entire situation because their house is basically contaminated with the smoke.

And at what point do I draw the line? My parents have been smokers for years; it's on their skin, on their breath, all over their clothes... How many precautions do I realistically need to be taking? The whole situation makes me highly uncomfortable because as much as I hate that they smoke, it's never something I've talked about with them.

BabySeaTurtles · December 2015

Why would your mom have the expectation that you will be at their house more, regardless of the smoking? You are the one who is far pregnant and then will have an infant, so it makes so much more sense for them to come to you.
Plus, the dangers and side effects of smoking and second-hand smoking are WELL publicized. If your mom is any kind of reasonable just let her know what is on your mind and hopefully she will respect your wishes. I know a LOT of our parents' generation has the mentality of "well we/you turned out just fine" when confronted with today's safety standards so you may have to be prepared for that part of the conversation.

egraves4 · December 2015

BabySeaTurtles said:

Why would your mom have the expectation that you will be at their house more, regardless of the smoking? You are the one who is far pregnant and then will have an infant, so it makes so much more sense for them to come to you. Plus, the dangers and side effects of smoking and second-hand smoking are WELL publicized. If your mom is any kind of reasonable just let her know what is on your mind and hopefully she will respect your wishes. I know a LOT of our parents' generation has the mentality of "well we/you turned out just fine" when confronted with today's safety standards so you may have to be prepared for that part of the conversation.

I totally get what you're saying. I feel like it's when people post about not wanting a mom or MIL in the delivery room and they ask what to do it's point blank obvious but it doesn't make it any easier to confront. I know it's a choice my parents make, and because they make those choices it's an obvious one that I shouldn't have my baby in their house. I'm just not sure how far I should take it. Like making them wear clothes that haven't been infested with smoke? I mean they both probably smoke at least a pack a day.

purpletulip · December 2015

That's a tough situation. The effects of third hand smoke are serious enough that your child shouldn't be at their house even past infancy. Your LO can even be exposed by having your parents hold him/her in a different environment, because it'll be on their skin, hair and clothes.
I would talk to them asap and let them know that you're starting to get information about how serious a risk this is and it's really worrying you, because you want your LO to see them but you need to protect his/her health too. See where they stand (will they brush off your concerns or will they take them seriously?) and what ideas they might have.
I'd talk to your pediatrician too to get ideas and you could always tell your parents what your doctor says so it's not as much of a direct "attack".
Maybe it'll be good enough if they shower and change into clean clothes before coming over?

wisco29 · December 2015

I have family that smokes, some would smoke outside when we went there and some even though they were asked to would smoke in a bedroom with the door shut... Needless to say we haven't been back there.

I also hate dd being around these people when they come back inside from smoking because it's all over their clothes etc.

I would just tell them that you don't want your child around smoke at all. So if when you're at their house if they could refrain for that amount of time from smoking

blueberrymomma · December 2015

My sisters baby daddy and his parents both smoke. I would make my sister change and wash her hands before holding my daughter because the smell was so bad
Flash forward to this summer when her 1.5 year old son had to have his anodes(sp?) removed and tubes put in his ears. The doctor said he'd never seen them so inflamed and bad in such a young child and it's caused by second hand smoke. Even though the grandparents never smoked around him they smoked in their house for decades before so he was always breathing in the toxins. Since his surgery he isn't constantly sick, having ear infections, coughing, and congested
So in my opinion you have every right for your health and your child's to not bring them into a smoking environment and your parents should understand

paytonpedro · December 2015

I'll start out by saying that I don't have any advice for you except do what YOU think is right regardless of what anyone else says. It's YOUR baby and your choice.
What that being said, my mil is a smoker like that and is pissed that H has been asking her to quit smoking. I've made it very clear to him that she can do whatever she wants but if she wants a relationship with her grandchild (which she does) then she needs to not smell like smoke. It's on her hair, skin, breath, clothes, in her house (she smokes in the house) and if I smell it at all my child will not be around her. My mom also smokes and I've made the same thing clear to her (she's much more understanding and is trying to quit and isn't throwing a fit like mil). It's my decision whose around my child, and I want him to have a relationship with both his grandmas, but if either smell like an ash tray it's not going to happen. He can't advocate for himself that he doesn't wanna smell it, and I know I surely don't, so it's my responsibility to advocate for him. Knowing that it raises the chances for SIDS just makes my case stronger.

egraves4 · December 2015

I agree with all of this. I haven't even mentioned it yet to them, which is probably bad on my part because if I had just done so even a month or two ago it wouldn't be so bad. Now I feel like we are so close and I've not said a word, but it really wasn't on my mind.

dem068a · December 2015

When we were at an infant care class the other day, the nurse said that it is as harmful to the baby to breathe smoke off of someone's clothes as it is to smoke in the same room as the baby. I am not sure if I 100% believe that it is as bad as direct cigarette smoke, but a few people in my husband's family smoke and we are telling them that they can't be around the baby if that have been smoking (or at all smell like smoke). They are adults and can decide if smoking or seeing the baby is more important to them, but I am definitely not compromising the health of my baby just to not offend people who smoke

cvolkmar · December 2015

I'm kind of in the same boat, but it's my FIL that's the smoker (and my MIL HATES that he smokes - so I've got that in my favor). My husband told him we wouldn't have kids until he stopped smoking; he did for almost a year. Well, he did that e-cig thing, which is probably just as horrible. It just took us a year to get pregnant - and literally he started up again w/ 2 packs a day the month we found out.

I've told him all along and I've probably been too blunt/rude about it that he will not be able to hold the baby if he's smoked and the baby isn't allowed in his truck. They (my in laws) have this vision that they're going to tote around the baby like an accessory or something. We've told him he'll be the last person to know when we're in labor cause he'll just smoke the entire time I'm in labor until he knows the baby is here and safe. I've even sent him articles to read about the baby being exposed to smoke in utero and upon his/her arrival.

I agree you need to probably say something sooner rather than later…it's so hard because he smoked around my husband as a baby and he's "fine." I told him that was his choice as a parent, my choice as a parent (and a Special Education teacher) is to not have my child around an active smoker.

If it was my mom that was smoking, I'm sure I'd be more sensitive about the topic than I've been with my FIL, but she's a mom - you're a mom! You both only want what's best and she knows that all that smoke around the baby is not healthy. Best of luck.

22snc12 · December 2015

If it were me, I wouldn't allow my child at their house. They want to smoke that's fine, but it's my kid and my responsibility to keep them from the dangers of that, if possible, and it is. My parents smoked, my dad still does and they only ever smoked/smoke outside. My MIL, FIL and BIL all chain smoke and in their houses. I don't condone and made it clear I don't want my kid, and soon to be kids, in their houses. However, my husband will take my son over there sometimes, not often, which causes stress between us. His FIL has health problems and doesn't want him to have to come to our house. My husband is against smoking too, yet makes an exception for this, even though he knows it's a problem for us!

22snc12 · December 2015

dem068a said:
When we were at an infant care class the other day, the nurse said that it is as harmful to the baby to breathe smoke off of someone's clothes as it is to smoke in the same room as the baby. I am not sure if I 100% believe that it is as bad as direct cigarette smoke, but a few people in my husband's family smoke and we are telling them that they can't be around the baby if that have been smoking (or at all smell like smoke). They are adults and can decide if smoking or seeing the baby is more important to them, but I am definitely not compromising the health of my baby just to not offend people who smoke

I actually would believe this, at least to some degree. The molecules are present if they are being picked up to be smelled, if that makes sense. My FIL chain smokes in his house and he doesn't actively smoke while we are there, but the walls, ceilings, furniture, etc are still covered in the smoke/tar/nicotine and the air is saturated with it. It's lingering and would suggest it's still dangerous. We come home smelling like smoke and he wasn't even smoking with us in there. May not be as dangerous as breathing the smoke from an active cigarette, but still dangerous.

egraves4 · December 2015

It is, my parents don't smoke in the house at all, but there is a room in the garage that they do and over the years it's gotten all throughout the ventilation system. I don't want to say we can never be there... But I feel almost guilty to think about bringing her over there. It's one thing when I'm pregnant, but I feel like I'm almost betraying her health by putting her into a situation she can't help.

TalulaPants · December 2015

I just told my mother no. We already have a very strained relationship but I won't make any exceptions for anyone when it comes to the health of my daughter. As someone who has struggled with asthma since I was a young child, it's important for me to do everything I can to prevent her from dealing with what I have. Good luck OP.

Ktjennks · December 2015

I've already decided that anyone who smells like smoke will not be holding my baby. I am even considering telling them they can't even come over if they smell. All my fiance's friends smoke and when they come over they will go outside but I won't even be allowing that anymore once she comes. I made him quit smoking when we found out we were expecting.. I basically made it difficult for him. If he would come home and smell I would tell him he can't come near me until he showers and brushes his teeth because it's so disgusting. I told him he wouldn't be able to hold her if he smells because I am not going to risk it, it's horrible for the child. He has been doing great about no smoking and I'll help keep him accountable. I wouldn't care how upset or angry my parents got.. when it comes to the health of my little baby. She is way more important than hurting their feelings. If it's that important to see your little one then they can do the best they can to not smell when they come see the baby at your home. (Just my opinion)

Achae · December 2015

My MIL smokes inside her trailer and we refuse to even visit her. We let her know if we will be in town and what restaurant she can meet us at or stay at her parents trailer, and she has to wash her hands before playing with baby. Not to mention anything she gifts us I either trash or toss straight into the wash while saying thanks. She sends cookies for Christmas and they go straight to the trash because they taste and smell like smoke. I'm sure it's caused a further strain for our relationship, but my husband is completely in agreement and hates it as much as I do especially considering it gave him asthma. MIL has made comments how we "don't make time for her" but we both work full-time so if we have a free weekend it will be on our terms!

egraves4 · December 2015

I actually had a heart to heart with my older brother about it. I thoroughly freaked him out, now he's scared about his own well-being lol. It definitely put me at ease that he agreed with me. He hasn't had kids yet either but agreed that were at the age (22 and 25) that we don't have to necessarily agree with what our parents do.

pettycrocker · December 2015

I didn't read the responses so appologies if this has been mentioned- I have good friends that live around the corner from me that smoke like freaking CHIMNIES. I know my girlfriend is dying to spend time with baby, but honestly, I do not feel comfortable bringing a baby there (they smoke in the house) my daughter (4.5) has asthma and I have only brought her over a couple times. Granted they will smoke in another room of the house if she is over- the house just stinks like smoke. I was there for a couple hours recently, came home and couldn't get the smell of smoke out of my hair, I had to wash my hair TWICE. Yuck. There's just no way I would feel comfortable bringing baby's diaper bag and carrier in a smelly smoke house. I'll tell her she is welcome to come to my house to see the baby, but I wouldn't bring the baby over for a good many years. (Not before I no longer needed to bring a diaper bag with me)

RRC216 · December 2015

Not to much advice here other than do what you feel is right for baby. I don't come near ppl that smoke in public, let alone anyone I know. During my pregnancy I walk the other way. There will be no way in hell I would let anyone come near my baby smelling of smoke, or smoking. Doesn't fly with me. Ftm as well.

d17y4 · December 2015

Same boat as you. ..and it's so easy to say have a conversation about it. ...but it is so much harder than that. My husband and i prepared a sign to frame and put at the entrance of our home. It asks our guests to please wash their hands when they come to visit us and baby, and if thrre is a chance of third hand smoke on your clothes to please put a clean receiving blanket between you and baby. We bought lots of blankets for this purpose. I know its skirting around the issue but we wanted to look for sone solution rather than just cut family out of the picture. Good luck!!!

egraves4 · December 2015

@d17y4 what a good idea. Receiving blankets are so cheap anyway, we already have a lot too. I don't believe that I will 100% be able to fix the issue, but it will be much easier to have a handle on it if my parents at least agree to my conditions.

4N6s · December 2015

My husbands parents smoke and I already told him I will not bring the baby over there. He agrees that it's not healthy (luckily).
I'm willing to meet at a halfway point or at our house...haha.

alanna3622 · December 2015

When I first saw this thread I thought that it was an overreaction. But then I read the comments and checked it out on Google a bit. I am glad I did! I didn't realize that third hand smoke could have such an impact.

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