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proudparent2b · December 2015

Eta: relative passed away. I am saddened by the loss and do not want to retain this as a reminder of my fears and frustrations. They were mostly inspired by my anxiety over the past week that any call could be of the bad news and helplessness of knowing that there was nothing we could do to change the diagnosis.

PYLWhammy · December 2015

If you are out of state, your husband's family should know that you can't necessarily be there at the drop of a hat. My family is all out of state and I've missed a boatload of weddings and funerals.

You can't be there for everything, and family should respect that. Especially the job interview thing.. you don't just give up an interview opportunity, especially in this economy!

sarawifenow · December 2015

I'm sorry that you are frustrated. I will say that, to me, I would try to make it out to see my H's grandparent. Having lost my grandfather 3 years ago, the pain is still very fresh. I spent so much time with him growing up and spent everyday by his side while he was dying. I would not give that up for the world. Interviews can be rescheduled, time with family cannot.

In regards to the nursery and Christmas, I understand why you would be a little frustrated, but I think you really need to let this go. Perhaps your in-laws now have medical expenses they are dealing with that they had not forseen. Also, no one is obligated to give you a gift.

I'm sorry if this response seems a little harsh, but I do think that you should be focusing more on the fact that your H's grandparent is dying instead of things like your TV and whether or not you will be fed (I'm assuming you can take care of that part by yourself).

I say, go to your anatomy scan and then go see the grandparent. In the end, I would hope it would be comforting to your H to know that he saw his grandparent one last time.

ETA: I just wanted to say that I am really sorry that you and H are going through such a tough situation this close to the holidays. It sucks any time of year, but this time of the year is just that much more stressful.

dshannah · December 2015

Shit happens. You can't miss your appointment and your husband can't miss his job interviews. That should be enough for the family. For the relative on his/her deathbed, try to spend QT by Skype and phone, and have the relatives who are there keep telling the dying person how much DH loves him/her.

My guess is that DH is wanted there not for the dying person, but for the rest of the family. Missing these interviews will make it impossible for him to earn the money to see them in the future. With a baby on the way, wild anyone begrudge him a freaking job opportunity, let alone 2?

All the other shit doesn't matter. You are required to be elsewhere when this relative is dying. You're sad, but you can show love in lots of ways other than your physical presence. Name baby after him/her, send your prayers, have a relative hold a phone up to dying relative's ear so DH can express how much the person means to him.

jessiedee13 · December 2015

Wait...they planned the not yet deceased relatives funeral already? I can't even process that. Planning it (for example caskets, where it'll be ect) isn't unheard of, my grandma planned her own when she did my grandpa's last month. But to have a date set is crazy to me.

Anyway, that wasn't my original comment I was just flabbergasted. I get being upset or feeling "like a jerk" as you put it, especially when it's about family. If your husband can make calls and check in, I don't see it being a huge problem. You have to put you guys first. It makes it so much more difficult with a dying family member, but keeping them in your thoughts and prayers (or whatever you believe) won't hurt.

Hugs to you.

kami09 · December 2015

I was with you up until #6 & beyond. It started sounding...almost like you have a chip on your shoulder. I get like this too, so I can't fault you. I will get annoyed/upset about 1 thing and just pile on everything I am feeling just because. A lot of that has nothing to do with the relative passing, so just try taking a step back and looking at the whole picture.

Try to make them understand you can't make it for financial reasons and that your husband has 2 interviews that he can't miss-- as sad as it is. Leave it at that.

ETA: (wasn't quite finished with my thought lol) I'm sorry you guys are even in this predicament. If it were me, I'd want my husband to be able to see his grandparent one last time...but I've also been in a situation where my husband hadn't had a full time position (teacher) for a looong time. & it is ROUGH. Sadly, you need this income to survive. I get that.

yogahh · December 2015

As someone coming from a tough situation with family right now, I don't feel like I have room to give advice, but at the same time, I cant let this one go.

I get not being able to drop everything to see Grandma. I am sure he spent time with her when she was well and able, and that's really what matters. BUT, to hear you complain about a TV, a lack of Christmas presents and nursery furniture is too much. I am sure its just a combination of everything going on, but I would urge you NOT to say anything about these trivial things to his family. Accept what is offered with gratitude.

T&P for grandma and the family. Grandmas really are the best, so I am sorry to hear about the impending loss, especially at the holidays.

edited to add... not sure why I assumed this is Grandma.

Bluejay3030 · December 2015

I agree with @kami09 that you can do your best to help them understand that your husband has 2 interviews he can't miss, and that since he is out of work you simply don't have the funds to make the trip happen (assuming that's true). Most of these other reasons sound petty and selfish in the grand scheme of things.

I do agree though that it's beyond strange that they've already planned the funeral and set a date. I wouldn't be able to handle that.

So sorry that your family is going through this. I hope you can set aside your frustrations and find a way to be supportive from a distance. Maybe sending/arranging for meals or flowers to show them you care without having to break the bank.

gamommyx3 · December 2015

It sounds like you flat out can't afford to go - can't skip job interviews or your scan and you can't afford to stay there anyway.

It also seems like you're maybe overwhelmed in general. Try to let go of the smaller stuff - you have months to get nursery furniture and probably still a shower to look forward to, a dvd player is nowhere near a necessity, and it sounds like you got a brand new TV already for Christmas? All that stuff is transient and will only matter in the short term so do yourself a favor and let it go.

And finally I'm with @jessiedee13 , setting a date for a funeral for someone who isn't dead is just plain odd.

kbrands7 · December 2015

I feel like it's very strange that the funeral is already planned and the grandparent has not yet passed. That said, I agree that it's reasonable that you should still go to the anatomy scan, and your husband should go to his interviews. Beyond that, make time to be with his family as soon as you can-- and try to make the funeral and see/skype the grandparent. Stuff happens at inconvenient times sometimes. I'm sure that this will make for a difficult holiday, but you really don't have control over timing. I'm sorry that so many stressful things seem to be coming together at the same time. The other things on your list are probably frustrating in the moment, but are not worth dwelling on. I hope that you were able to vent and then let them go.

LadySamLady · December 2015

Honestly, most of the issues you are upset about seem a bit trivial right now, particularly when juxtaposed with the fact that your H's grandparent is dying.

I am not someone who dwells on the past or lives with many regrets, but I missed my maternal grandmother's funeral and it is something I will always regret. The reason I missed it was all due to immaturity and selfishness. I was 20 at the time and it would have been my first funeral, I was supposed to fly by myself from northern CA where I went to school to VA and I just freaked out at the airport and couldn't get on the plane. I wasn't particularly close to that grandmother but it would have meant a lot to my mother and my grandfather if I had been there. I really, really wish I had been more mature, sucked it up, and got on that effing plane. I say this because I wouldn't want you or your H to have the same regrets.

JessicaB0627 · December 2015

So first of all, I'm sorry you are going through this this close to Christmas. But I do think a lot of your post is a little ridiculous. I understand not being able to reschedule interviews, but you could probably let the office know that you have a dying relative out of town and would need your A/S rescheduled.

I'm assuming that you are an adult and completely capable of taking care of yourself. So visiting his family or not, you should be able to at least feed yourself. It's also very gracious of them to buy you a new tv and complaining about something as petty as having to buy a new DVD player is ridiculous. Do you absolutely have to have a DVD player right away? Same goes with the nursery furniture. It was nice of her to buy you anything, so maybe you should just say thank you and move on. And it sounds like people have bought you things (tv and a piece of nursery furniture) so complaining about not getting anything for Christmas isn't necessary. Sorry but the second half of your post comes off as very selfish.

mmemartinez · December 2015

If your DH wants to go, then you should go. We did not go to my DH's grandma's funeral because we were 3 hrs away and had a flight to Paris the next day. It was his call though.

As an aside, you can get a pretty cheap DVD player these days. Like 20 or 30 bucks. A free new TV is freakin awesome.

countrygrl5533 · December 2015

I totally get the annoyed by things you feel like you shouldn't be. I feel like I am there every, single day. As far as visiting the sick grandparent, do what your DH wants. Let it be known that you will do what he wants and not complain about it. That's the hard part for me.

My DH was a freshman in college with no car when his grandfather got sick and then died before he could get a ride. It really, really bothers him that he never got to see his grandfather one more time. I don't want your DH to experience the same thing. That is worth the spending money you don't have and dealing with an uncomfortable situation...if that is what your DH wants to do. I just don't want to see him telling you "no, I don't want to" because of all the other situation or because he thinks you don't want to, then regretting that decision later in life.

TXmamatobe · December 2015

What's a DVD player? #appletv

Just kidding. I felt you on this until I got to number six and beyond. Then it sounded ungrateful and petty and I wanted to gouge my eyes out for reading it. Can you believe there are little kids all over this word who not only don't get anything for Christmas, but barely have enough to live on throughout the year? im sorry your new tv doesn't support the DVD player and that your MIL only bought you one piece of furniture.

All that aside, I'm sorry for your family's loss in the coming days (if that happens). That should be a reality check right there but if not, have fun not opening anything on Christmas since that's what is important.

I really hope that this post is a joke.

yogahh · December 2015

TXmamatobe said:

What's a DVD player? #appletv Just kidding. I felt you on this until I got to number six and beyond. Then it sounded ungrateful and petty and I wanted to gouge my eyes out for reading it. Can you believe there are little kids all over this word who not only don't get anything for Christmas, but barely have enough to live on throughout the year? im sorry your new tv doesn't support the DVD player and that your MIL only bought you one piece of furniture. All that aside, I'm sorry for your family's loss in the coming days (if that happens). That should be a reality check right there but if not, have fun not opening anything on Christmas since that's what is important. I really hope that this post is a joke.

I may or may not have a bit of a girl crush on you.

doozer1345 · December 2015

I'm with the other PP's where it sounds like you're overwhelmed and was with you until the last part. You are getting a Christmas present except it's not as expensive as you thought it would be. The least expensive furniture is still a gift and it sounds like the TV is a gift too. I can't tell you the last time I've gotten a gift that wasn't geared towards DD, being a mom, or being a homemaker in general from people other than DH. That's just part of the lifestyle and stage you're at in life. When I had DD I was put out of work and DH and we couldn't save a dime. We had NO money saved for a new baby. So, anything we were given we were grateful for.

As far as family goes, I understand it's a tough situation but this person is leaving the world. I think your DH will have a harder time with it if he doesn't get to say his proper goodbyes in the end. Also, do you maybe have a friend that could come dog/house sit while you're gone? It may help with the finances. Hang in there. This time of year (especially pg) is hard.

lalala2004 · December 2015

I completely understand not being able to visit this relative, your reasons are completely reasonable. However, your need to pile on at the end obviously has everyone scratching their heads a bit and wondering why this is pertinent to the dying relative....? Doesn't come across well at all.

My grandma is in the hospital right now, and I have no idea how it will affect our Christmas plans. I'm sitting with her now while I'm still not done with my shopping. That's just life. Illness and death don't go on vacation during the holidays, unfortunately.

JennyS86 · December 2015

I'm sorry you're in this difficult situation, pregnant, around the holidays. That really sucks. Have you considered having just DH go? My Grandma died pretty suddenly, and I flew out for the funeral, 3 days later, but DH stayed at home with our 4month old twins, who had been home from the nicu for less than one month.

It sounds like you visited at Thanksgiving, so that is a good thing, right? Try not to think of the small details, like a fee for rescheduling an appt, but look at the big picture - about what DH needs right now. Does he want to go or need to go? If so, try to make it happen for him. Good luck with your decisions.

sarawifenow · December 2015

OP, I am curious to know your response now that you have gotten several replies? Is your DH wanting to go?

AdorkablePixie · December 2015

I agree with all the other posts. If your DH wants to go then send him on his way, you both probably don't need to be there. That way you can still make it to your appointment, not spend as much on plane tickets, and someone will be home with the dog. It's a win win. There is no way my DH would miss seeing a grandparent one last time given the chance. I feel like maybe you're being a little bit selfish...

proudparent2b · December 2015

Thanks guys! I appreciate your comments. As I said in my header/ post, I do feel like a jerk for the way I feel. As many of you confirmed, I am being one. Of course I have not and will not complain to anyone in real life. It's just a lot at once and it's tough feeling out of control on everything.

Anyway, I appreciate your comments and the understanding/sympathy that many of you expressed.

Pascal86 · December 2015

@proudparent2b I don't think you're a jerk, I think you're falling into the dangerous "one thing is bad so everything is bad" mentality. Losing a grandparent and not being able to be there sounds really tough, and it feels like the other stuff is getting grabbed along with it because sometimes your brain just wants to lump everything remotely bad into one sad miserable ball of sadness, no matter how trivial things are individually.

I do this a LOT, and my advice is to take inventory of what you're really upset about, recognize what's not that big of a deal, and that way you might be able to better mentally weigh what you're sad or frustrated with, and what is actually good in your life, and have a better balance of emotions with more focus on what needs attention right now.

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