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Handling visitors- what are peoples thoughts on a note on door?

jencook25jencook25 member
in January 2016 Moms

So, I'm a first time mumma, and I'm a bit apprehensive about visitors.

To give you a bit of a background run down so you know where I am coming from:

All of my family live around 1800kms away (900 miles- ish?), so don't get me wrong, I am really appreciative that they are wanting to come and visit. But this also means when they visit, it is a marathon week or two visit, not a quick pop in once a week or so. I also live on a farm, 50 minutes from town, so either they will stay with me, or they will stay in town and drive out and visit for longer than just the quick 15 minute visit. Same goes with the friends we have made in the area. Being so far from town, its a bit hard to say to visitors "sorry, now is not a good time and you should have called first, come back this afternoon", as it is a 120km (60 mile?) round trip to visit. By the way, sorry if my distance conversion is way out!

We are not strictly enforcing the 'no vac, no visit' policy, but I am trying to fend off most visitors until after bub is 6 weeks old. On top of that, I am definitely an introvert, in the sense that visitors tire me more than a lot of people at the best of times, let alone just after pushing a 8lb human out my hoo-haa.

Things I'm thinking about putting in the note include no kissing baby on the mouth, washing hands before handling baby, do not come over if sick (though that might be one I need to tell them before they leave, not at my door), etc.

What are peoples thoughts? Are you doing something similar? Or are you "laying down the law" before you present baby? If someone comes over sick, what are you going to say? How are you going to manage those people who want to hold the baby the whole time (wether it obviously wants to feed, etc)?

Any advice/experience from those who have been there before would be much appreciated!

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Re: Handling visitors- what are peoples thoughts on a note on door?

  • ccoleemanccoleeman member
    I don't have advice but I'm glad you posted this- I've been wondering if I should send a mass email to family about delivery and visiting wishes (no coming over sick, no posting baby annuouncement on social media until I have, no smoking, etc etc). This is the first grandchild on my side so it's more about laying the groundwork for my family as opposed to DH. My family also lives far away so I think it would be helpful to give them the heads up so they're prepared for when they come visit
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  • EbiejayEbiejay member
    I'm a FTM too so no previous experience. Also I don't expect many visitors since my family are across the ocean and being a military family we just have a handful of friends here. However, my plan is to contact those who might want to visit before baby comes, and tell them I don't know how I'll be feeling so please call/text before you come and we can go from there. I'm lucky, my MIL is coming to stay (we get on like a house on fire) but she's already offered to stay in a hotel at any point if we need some space for a while. 

    You can certainly put a note on your door, and I've heard that others have done it, though I think I heads up ahead of time if you're so far away from people might be more helpful. The note could be used for those people who ignored the heads up. 

    Once you do have visitors, you're completely in your right as the new mum to say you're feeling tired or something, and take baby with you to a different room, nobody should expect you to host and be present the whole time. You can use this to steal baby back from over enthusiastic hands and things too. I also think your requirements re: hand washing etc are perfectly reasonable, and you can just mention it to anyone who wants to hold LO before they do. 
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  • JoJoMama730JoJoMama730 member
    I guess I'm surprised that friends and family would come all that way without calling first.  That's just so weird to me!  I think if it were me in your shoes, I might send an email or call the people most likely to visit and ask them to please call in advance, and then during that call, you can make sure nobody is sick, etc. before they come.  It really is common sense that if you're sick, don't come around a pregnant woman or new baby, but we know not everybody sports common sense, right?  And the whole washing hands and  no kissing business?  That's personal preference.  If it's that important to you, then you should let people know in a way that makes you comfortable, but I'm personally not of the same mindset as you on those things. 

     

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  • ChrissyD1203ChrissyD1203 member
    We already told our families that if anyone wants to see baby in the first 6 weeks they need Tdap and flu shots. I will not let anyone sick near the baby. I think my husband's family woukd understand and respect that but I can see my mom (who lives further away (6 hrs) and is jealous of extra time husband's family (only 2 hrs) will get with baby since they are closer), pretending not to be sick or saying its allergies ... And then a huge fight will ensue. So I'll probably just be reiterating that in advance. We also told our nanny in writing that she is not to come to work sick.
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  • Monilee1017Monilee1017 member
    Most of DH and my family live within 5-20 minutes from our house. A few stop over without notice. I won't say or post anything and didn't with my others. Most people in DH and my family work at hospitals or are teachers so they mostly all vacs. Also everyone was pretty respectful and would not come over if sick. We aren't smokers so people don't smoke in our house, baby or no baby I think it is rude to smoke in the houses of a nonsmoker and have no problem saying that.
    Married 2006
    DS1 2010
    DS2 2013
    DD1 2016
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  • MrsReese28MrsReese28 member
    If you dont lay down the law before, it will be harder to later on. If i hadnt done that my inlaws would have been over every single fricking day. The worst part is that when they come over they never lift a finger to help.
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  • CejimlCejiml member
    Our family lives away and honestly I'm fine with them visiting. My inlaws are coming up 11 days after baby is born with 3 kids(staying at a hotel)and while I know it will be a lot I have a 3 year old that will love every minute of it. I think that's why I'm being more lenient about visitors so soon is because if her. Then the weekend after my mom, sister and her 2 yr old(staying with me) are coming for the weekend. So idk if you already have a LO in the house but if so its a great distraction. And don't feel bad if you need to escape for a nap. You worked hard and deserve to relax. But if people are coming from far away tell DH to plan on being the host and just try to relax as much as possible. 
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  • OrangeFoxOrangeFox member
    I would like to think that people are smart enough to not come over sick.

    I live in the city with friends and a few family members very close by. Even without a mass email or announcement, no one just stopped by without calling or texting first.

    Most people didn't stay super long, but they also didn't have a long drive to get to us. We had one guest hang around too long. It was actually a family member who doesn't have children. So I don't think they have any concept of the situation and just wanted to hang out. I actually told them that I was going to take a nap with the baby and went in the bedroom. DH came to check on me a few minutes later and the person left.

    We agreed on this arrangement before. If I needed space or people to leave, I take the baby to feed or lay down in the other room. DH checks on me a few minutes later and can come back out and let the guest know that it's time to go.
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  • amargaret24amargaret24 member
    You just grew the baby inside of you for 9 stinkin' months! You're tired, you're learning to breastfeed, you're a mother for the first time........don't feel bad! About anything! Your house, your baby, your rules, your sanity. Whatever, the baby is here to stay!! They have all the time in the world. Get Snapchat and snap videos and photos constantly so they feel involved haha.
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  • EvaD84EvaD84 member
    You'll be surprised how many people think its ok to do a surprise visit and have no consideration that house might be in a mess, people at home sick or tired etc...

    I used to tell my mum off about this when younger but she didn't think she did anything wrong even though we were travelling from overseas.

    We would fly from australia to singapore and she would literally call her cousin at the airport and say we are on our way.... Meaning we stay at ur place... Cousin never complained but i just always thought this was very impolite

    I see this as being rude
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  • ByeByeSpottsByeByeSpotts member
    I'm so nervous about being overwhelmed. My I laws are flying in from California 2 weeks after my due date and are renting a house 10 blocks away. My mom will stay with us for a few days, and I have 5 sisters who will visit at various times.

    The last time the in-laws were in town i asked them to text or call before they came over each day and they NEVER did.

    Soo I'm thinking of sending an email to our family and friends. Would love your thoughts. Not trying to sound like a crazy person just want people to be respectful and I know I won't stand up for myself when the time comes.

    Here's my draft:

    We can't wait for you to spend time with Baby C and appreciate all the love you have for Baby C!

    In advance of Baby C's arrival, we wanted to share a few rules that we kindly ask that you follow.

    - Please Call or text before coming over. We will let you know if it's okay to come over.
    - No visitors before 10 AM or after 6 PM
    - If you are sick, please do not come over.
    - Please wash your hands thoroughly before touching the baby.
    - Please no kissing the baby on the lips
    - Please park on the street. Do not block the driveway or the fire hydrant in front of our house.
    - If Sarah or the baby are having a tough day, we may ask you to leave. It's nothing personal, just want Mama and Baby to be comfortable as they adjust to being home and starting our new life together.
    -
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  • carlyhammondcarlyhammond member
    My family already knows this now -
    I refuse to open the door for any reason unless I know someone is coming over. For my safety. I live in a mobile home and I'm home mostly by myself all the time.
    People knock all the time, I don't open the door, I don't acknowledge they are here.
    If you inform me, I'll be outside waiting on you, or I'll have the front door open. Otherwise I'm not opening the door.
    My sister is anti-vac and has already informed me she refuses to get vaccinated- she had a TB test recently but refuses any shots.

    I will have my baby vaccinated, so I'm not totally worried, but I will be pushing the washing of hands. Kissing is weird- like kissing his head is cool but don't kiss his mouth it's weird.
    If/when baby gets hungry when people are holding him or over I will take the baby and I will feed him in private. He will be breast fed and I'm not comfortable whipping out my boobie.

    If he gets fussy I expect him to be handed back to me...

    I will not fight over my own child..

    I may actually text my family all that now .. Just so they are aware there are rules...
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  • MamaGooGooMamaGooGoo member
    With my daughter 2 years ago I got super annoyed with everyone coming over to "drop off dinner" that they then sat and ate with us and stayed for 2 effing hours. I just want to say that make sure your husband or baby daddy is on board with your rules, too! That was the problem with us last time-- the family would call or text my husband so they wouldn't be bothering me, and he'd say yeah sure come over... Then he'd tell me after he spoke to them and I'd be like wtf I don't want visitors!!! Then he'd say I have to call them and tell them not to come. Um no... It caused a lot of arguments. So this time I typed up my rules and went over them with him and I made him sign it like a contract. It's in my hospital bag ready to go!
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  • mg137mg137 member
    I can't imagine people coming to visit a family with a brand new baby without asking.

    People should be understanding. If they want to breastfeed the baby and get up through the night, then I'm sure you'll be fresh and rested for visitors the next day. But as long as it's you doing it, they will hopefully understand that you're tired, probably have sore nipples, maybe still have sore other things, and might not have had time to shower or put a bra on.

    My husband and I dropped off dinner for friends with a new baby about 25 minutes away from us. I had been talking to the wife about coming and was excited to see her and meet the new baby. When we got there the husband just met us outside because the baby was napping and the wife was shutting her eyes for a bit. I wasn't bothered by that at all. I was disappointed that the timing worked out poorly for us but I was so happy that she had taken the opportunity to get a nap rather than worrying about hosting us. It's natural for people dropping off dinner or visiting to want to see the whole new family, but I think anyone who cares about you will want you prioritizing yourself, even if that means you're not up for visitors when they show up.

    I have a strict no-sickies rule and strict vaccine rule.
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  • apinkpelicanapinkpelican member
    With DD i sent out an email to immediate family asking to get the flu and tdap vaccines if they planned to spend any extended amount of time with the baby.  No one had any issues with this.  I also laid out our wishes for visitors in the hospital.   I thought I had planned ahead well but still was overwhelmed in the hospital with visitors.  Stick up for yourself and your baby and if you aren't ready for visitors just say so.  Most people will call/text first.  "We can't wait for you to wait LO in a few weeks once we are settled in to our new life together" or something along those lines should work.  
    I ended up with "Uncle Bob" (who I'd never met), showing up with my in-laws to the hospital.  Also DH's boss actually stopped by the house unannounced and I swear to you, lifted my nursing cover to look at the baby.   I wish I was kidding.   So as much as you plan you'll still get some folks that don't listen and live by their own rules.   I second PP mentioning to make sure DH is on board with your rules.  If you are ever uncomfortable, he can tell people you are napping with the baby.
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  • jencook25jencook25 member
    Thanks for all your responses ladies! They have made me feed more reassured about laying down the rules, which is great, as I am having one of "those" days today (summer + swelling = wedding ring had to be cut off + many tears!). I will definitely get DH on board with my rules, as I can imagine he also be the one to say 'sure, come on over!' and ask me afterwards, as someone said their DH did above!
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  • jencook25jencook25 member
    Also, I will definitely keep the napping with baby trick up my sleeve!
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  • ondabiancaondabianca member
    I'm pretty laid back...visitors won't really bother me.  Of course the house may be a bit of a mess (I don't really plan to do any "special" cleaning for anyone, even my nearly OCD mother) and I won't really be catering to anyone (food, drinks, etc will be whatever we have in the fridge), and I certainly may be in PJs or not quite put together...but those who care about visiting will understand.

    My own family lives far away and will be driving quite a distance but plan to stay in a hotel and only for a few days for this first visit.  

    My fiance's family is closer and we'll extend the invite once we are home and settled.  Same with some friends.  I figure once fiance goes back to work (he's taking 2 weeks off) I'll be up for some adult company.  Again, perhaps I am too laid back and assuming but I'm pretty certain that those who are sick would have the good sense not to come around a newborn.
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  • mamakculbmamakculb member
    The only bad situation we had was when we had out of town family come in to stay with MIL two days after baby was born. Since MIL worked during the day, they literally drove into town and came straight to our apartment. Two adults and 3 kids 5-12 years old in our 800sq ft apartment. They stayed the first time for over 2 hours. Uggh! Then they tried to leave their kids with MiL for two weeks (it was summer and this happens most years) but they wanted us to watch them during the day while MiL worked! DH put his foot down and someone else kept them all day. I couldn't believe they thought it was okay to expect that. Sorry I'm not babysitting your 3 kids 30-40 hours a week with a 5 day old!

    All of our other visitors were great. Church friends brought us meals every couple days. They'd call ahead and spend 10-15 mins to see the baby and drop off the food, then they'd go. MIL came over regularly, sometimes with little notice on her way home from work, but for short periods of time and always brought food or house stuff. I'm very comfortable with her so I never had to get dressed or host her, which was great.

    Definitely lay down the rules with those who try to overstep it. Don't feel obligated to inconvenience yourself for others constantly. Having a newborn is exhausting, and you can't be a people pleaser all the time.



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