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April 2016 Moms
sarahufl
member
Inappropriate Bosses- What Would April Do? (update in comments)
sarahufl
member
I know this has been touched on here and there, and those of you who have read my comments on the issue probably know it is something I am really passionate about.
I waited till FOREVER to tell my boss I was pregnant (about 22 weeks) and only because I could no longer hide it. I am a particularly private person and I work in a very gossipy place so I was just not comfortable talking about it. I have zero concerns about my job security, just don't want to make it a thing. I scheduled a private meeting with my bosses (I have 2) specifically just to tell them. Well, once they found out I had a meeting with them that I billed as "personal" (with no agenda), they immediately started speculating with one of my coworkers what it may be about. The coworker knew already, but told the bosses that they had no idea and just to wait till the meeting. They continued to hassle said coworker but she eventually asked them to stop talking about it with her.
The next day, in our meeting, I told them that I had chosen not to widely announce my pregnancy and that I appreciated their discretion and very specifically asked them not to discuss it with others (never mind that they shouldn't anyway, but that's another issue). The Boss Boss waited about 3 minutes to go into another colleague's office who happens to be a very good friend of mine and told her right away, which really pissed me off, but I decided to let it go (she already knew anyway). I manage a masters program at a university, so I work with about 50 students, about 20 faculty and an untold number of admin folks but I don't teach or anything, so I am not always in front of the students or the faculty, so they could feasibly go a long time without seeing me and realizing I was pregnant. Well, I found out yesterday that Boss Boss announced my pregnancy to one of his classes. The way I found out was when one of my students rushed into my office to embrace me, saying she had no idea until Boss Boss shared it with them.
I was really taken aback (first by the overt display of emotion, which always feels awkward to me) and secondly by the fact that my boss was actually announcing my personal business to one of his classes without even thinking about it or discussing it with me first. So, what do I do? Do I let it go? Do I confront him about it? I can't decide.
I waited till FOREVER to tell my boss I was pregnant (about 22 weeks) and only because I could no longer hide it. I am a particularly private person and I work in a very gossipy place so I was just not comfortable talking about it. I have zero concerns about my job security, just don't want to make it a thing. I scheduled a private meeting with my bosses (I have 2) specifically just to tell them. Well, once they found out I had a meeting with them that I billed as "personal" (with no agenda), they immediately started speculating with one of my coworkers what it may be about. The coworker knew already, but told the bosses that they had no idea and just to wait till the meeting. They continued to hassle said coworker but she eventually asked them to stop talking about it with her.
The next day, in our meeting, I told them that I had chosen not to widely announce my pregnancy and that I appreciated their discretion and very specifically asked them not to discuss it with others (never mind that they shouldn't anyway, but that's another issue). The Boss Boss waited about 3 minutes to go into another colleague's office who happens to be a very good friend of mine and told her right away, which really pissed me off, but I decided to let it go (she already knew anyway). I manage a masters program at a university, so I work with about 50 students, about 20 faculty and an untold number of admin folks but I don't teach or anything, so I am not always in front of the students or the faculty, so they could feasibly go a long time without seeing me and realizing I was pregnant. Well, I found out yesterday that Boss Boss announced my pregnancy to one of his classes. The way I found out was when one of my students rushed into my office to embrace me, saying she had no idea until Boss Boss shared it with them.
I was really taken aback (first by the overt display of emotion, which always feels awkward to me) and secondly by the fact that my boss was actually announcing my personal business to one of his classes without even thinking about it or discussing it with me first. So, what do I do? Do I let it go? Do I confront him about it? I can't decide.
Re: Inappropriate Bosses- What Would April Do? (update in comments)
Let it go.
I really don't understand why you are trying so hard to keep this a secret.
**** Formerly Snoflakes4eva****
Seems like reason enough to me.
I understand wanting to be private about this. However I think you are also walking a fine line as well. Unfortunately as the belly grows so will the questions and excitement from others. No matter how you feel about the pregnancy (wanting to keep it secret/private) others just assume you are willing to talk about it.
That all might be true. But they cant take it back so I don't think there is any use in rehashing it. If you complain they will just go tell people you complained. So, let it go.
Plus, you have said multiple times that you will be quitting when you have the baby. So I don't see the point in getting all worked up over this when you will likely never see them again in 4 months.
I don't see the point in asking him not to tell. Someone is going to have to cover your work, and it has got to be visibly obvious soon (if its not already)
**** Formerly Snoflakes4eva****
First of all, how unprofessional to gossip and share information even after you made it clear that it should be kept confidential.
Second, I completely understand your personal preference for keeping it under wraps. That is YOUR decision and right as a pregnant woman. I too am a private person and am still keeping it secret from my coworkers now at 23 weeks (although I am reaching the point of having to tell them because it is becoming noticeable). Just like any other life event or situation, you have a right to be private about it and for administration to keep it private as well.
If it truly bothers you that all of these people know and even more people will potentially find out because of his blabber mouth, confront him professionally. He should know how you feel about who all he has told already and he should know how you want him to behave in the future. An administrative professional has to maintain that respect and confidentiality.
I'd be pissed, too.
That was incredibly inappropriate of your boss to gossip about you ahead of time and I am pretty sure illegal for your boss to tell others about your pregnancy after your meeting (especially when you reiterated how/ why you wanted to keep this private).
I absolutely do not agree with "letting it go," I think you should be bringing this to HR.
edit: homonyms ugh.
**** Formerly Snoflakes4eva****
He is a socially awkward bozo. But he also came to gossip with me about another co-worker's pregnancy earlier this year. Talking about how much $$ it was going to cost him for her to go on leave and how it annoyed him. Dude is totally unprofessional in general.
I also would normally recommend going to HR; however, having worked for a university, I know that their HR departments aren't always the best. If your HR department is better than mine was, it's worth a conversation with someone. If not, I think I'd just let it go, as crappy as that is.
Needless to say that really pissed me off for multiple reasons: 1. I didn't get "knocked up." This was a planned pregnancy for two loving people who want to start a family. The term KU to me sounds like a mistake was made, and I don't like it. Maybe that is a UO
2. Being pregnant doesn't make me any less capable of doing my job correctly so if she was mentioning it because it would be difficult she's incorrect.
3. Lastly she shouldn't be talking about my pregnancy with my old store and my old team because it was none of their concern!
Rather than say nothing, because I know myself and I definitely would've been angry every time I saw her, I decided to confront her and ask about it. She claimed she never said what she said.. I will never know the truth. Either she is lying or the friend. BUT the point is, nothing has been mentioned about my pregnancy again.. Because I made it known that it was inappropriate.
If you're like me and it's difficult to let things go, I say talk to your Boss Boss about it. Let him/her know that you felt violated because you trusted them to be discreet until you were ready and they weren't. Maybe explain you understand their excitement, and you understand maybe they weren't trying to be rude, but that you feel it was inappropriate. Etc
Depending on their reaction to that convo, I would say drop it if all parties agree on what happened, or if Boss Boss finds no fault and is disagreeable then I say take to HR.
My top thoughts were April Ludgate (Parks and Rec) or April Kempner (Grey's Anatomy) and I felt their reactions would be very different!
It just dawned on me in reading the updates that WE are April
I am clearly winning at braining!
If you are comfortable I would also talk to your boss' boss. Let him know you heard what's been said and you don't appreciate it and if it continues you are going to report the behavior. If that doesn't get his ass in line I don't know what will! I despise my boss; she is a horrible leader and manager but she will do ANYTHING to cover her own ass. Hopefully yours is the same and this shuts him up.
He thanked me for my professionalism and said I will still get the paid leave and we worked out a plan to hire someone new/transition. I then told him that, while it is obviously not a secret, I prefer to not have my pregnancy or leave discussed with students or staff, especially not in my absence. That I was uncomfortable to find out he had brought it up with his students.
He immediately knew what I was referring to and apologized, blaming the cold medicine he was on (which I don't think is a good excuse, but at least he owned up to it). He said he felt bad for bringing it up and knows he should not have and won't do it in the future. While I don't believe he won't do it again, it was nice to at least get acknowledgement. And now we have had the conversation (albeit for the 2nd time.....).
I just feel like that sort of behavior should not go unmentioned- and maybe now he won't do it to other co-workers (which he does have a history of doing). And who knows, maybe he doesn't give a crap, but I felt like it needed to be brought up.
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Nov siggy challenge: animals eating Thanksgiving food
Rhys - born 04.17.2013
Harry - born 04.18.2016
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Nov siggy challenge: animals eating Thanksgiving food
Rhys - born 04.17.2013
Harry - born 04.18.2016
The way I see it, me being pregnant was a very private decision I made with my husband that has all of a sudden become extremely public. No, I can't hide it any longer, but that doesn't mean that I want people leading discussions about it in my absence. People always get judgy when I talk about not wanting to discuss it, but why SHOULD I be forced to discuss it with people I barely know? Why is pregnancy considered a medical condition that people freely just talk about? But you wouldn't imagine talking about other conditions?
Aside from all these reasons, my boss should not have been talking to students about me. And if nobody ever speaks up about it, he will just keep doing it - I have watched him talk about my co-workers behind their backs for years and I don't want him to do it to me.