Stay at home or Work Full Time

shawnacrest · December 2015

I know the subject has been touched on some, but I don't think there's been an actual thread created for it. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong

Since I got laid off when I first found out I was pregnant, I've been working part time just to keep myself somewhat busy. My fiance wants me to take a year off when the baby is born to bond with him and adjust to being a mom.

Now that I'm not working a regular job, I feel like I'm losing confidence in myself or a sense of self worth I guess. I've never relied on him financially and honestly enjoy working full time. I understand that once the baby is here I will have plenty to do but am afraid that I will feel like I'm not getting anything accomplished while I'm at home with him.

I was wondering if STMS could give me pros and cons of staying at home vs working full time?

imrachellea · December 2015

I always thought I wanted to be a SAHM, and honestly there are many days where I still wish that I was, but I know personally that when I was out for 12 weeks when DD1 was born by the time it came to return to work I was ready. But...that only lasted the first couple weeks back and then I just wanted to be home. It is hard. It really and truly is, and I truthfully don't think you're going to know what you will want until your LO is here. Is your current part time job one you can take leave from and have it still be waiting for you when your leave is up? I know many women have intentions of returning to work after their LO is born, and then change their minds and just inform their work when they come to that realization. I don't think you need to make a definitive decision now.

Sarcasm101 · December 2015

There is no right answer to this, it comes down to personal preference and finances.

Can you afford to stay home for a year?

I would take the 2-3 months after you give birth to figure out your preferences. You don't have to decide anytime soon. You can always start working again, it just might be at the same level/ position that you had before.

olivemomma · December 2015

I am a sahm, it was a decision both my dh and I came to together and are still very happy with. I love being there for every big and small milestone and my dh feels good about working long hours knowing she is with me. However, I do agree with sarcasm101, it is a very personal decision and there is not a right answer. Finances and personal preferences have to be considered in each case. I consider myself very lucky to do what I do and I don't think there is a greater sense of personal satisfaction than being a mom, but again, it's not a full time job for everyone. If making your own money is important to you, possibly consider watching another child along with your own? I have actually done this in the past for a little while and it kind of allows the best of both worlds. But remember, weather needs, wants, or a combination of the two give you an answer, just do what's best for you and your family and you can't go wrong.

Bootsie327 · December 2015

I left my job when I had my son and it has been great! Money is very tight, but we make it work. Thankfully, I freelance doing voice-over work which brings in something on my end. Basically we pay the bills with my husband's salary, and anything I bring in, we assess where we can use it most when it comes in. I hope to stay home until all the kids are in nursery school or older if we can continue to afford it. This will be baby #2 and we hope to one day have a third. Weigh everything before you make a decision. It is a wonderful thing but it comes with compromise (less money, less adult time/daily freedom, etc). There are plenty of pros, too- you are there for 100% of daily activity and milestones and you don't need to pay for childcare. It just depends on what way these factors matter to you!

sprocketsngadgets · December 2015

This is an incredibly personal decision and there is no right or wrong. I knew when I was pregnant with DD1 that I wasn't cut out to be a SAHM. For me the pros were extra income, adult interaction, continuing my career, DD1 getting more socialization, she doesn't need constant attention since she doesn't get it at daycare (helpful when laundry/dishes/dinner need to get done) and learning a whole lot more at our awesome daycare than she probably would with me. Cons are/were pumping was a PITA, missing a bunch of firsts (like waving and blowing kisses) and when she gets sick she gets really sick.

MrsCayEye · December 2015

I currently work part time, but I have summers off and I did go back full time for a bit after DS was born so I've done all 3 options. I prefer the part time situation because I love my job, but I am actually going to SAH for some time after this LO is born because we are moving away for DH's job this summer. It's a personal decision and you will realize in time what is right for you. You can try to SAH and see if you like it, you can find a full time job and quit if you would rather be at home, or you can try to find a part time option. Each situation has its own set of challenges, so take your time to figure out what works best for you and your family.

shawnacrest · December 2015

Thank everyone. The part time job I have now is not meant to be long term by any means. I plan on leaving there once the baby's born. I guess I will suck it up and deal with not working full time until he's here and decide what I want to do after he's born. I appreciate everyone's input.

rebelone · December 2015

Only basing this off my own experience, in theory I would love being a SAHM and it sounds wonderful, but then I've also worked since I was 13 years old so I probably would go nuts if I didn't have a full time job. However, if I wasn't working for a period of time and then having a baby and want to go back to work, I'd probably go back part time. Child care would also play a huge factor whether or not it would pay to go back or have someone stay home because sometimes it's not worth it.

DougalMcG · December 2015

I think a lot of it depends on your financial situation, how much you like your job, how supportive your SO is, and your personality. Personally, I cannot think of any cons of staying at home, but financially it just worked for us. If staying at home meant cutting back on my spending habits then I could definitely see how that could be a con. I also find ways to keep myself busy so I'm never bored, but I'm also a pretty introverted person, so I'm kind of in my element when I'm *not* socializing with tons of people. If you're the type of person who needs constant adult interaction it might be a little rough. Also, while there might be moments when I feel under appreciated, those moments are few and far between. And when those moments do pop up I just go shopping, have a Starbucks and think about how stressful my previous job was. I find that when I put it in perspective it's really not that bad.

spicedice · December 2015

DH has loved it each time I've had to stay home for an ex trended period of time. Staying at home would probably be easier on DH and the boys, but it wouldn't work financially or for me mentally. I love my son, but sometimes I just need a break from toddler things:

Depending on if DS2 and I can form a breastfeeding relationship (apparently my hormones forgot to tell my nipples that baby was born, so DS1 was unable to latch at all), I may be stuck exclusively pumping again, which sucks when you are home alone with kids. DH actually would prefer to be a SAHD if we could afford it and if I'm EPing again. We talked about having me be a SAHM for baby #3 down the road, but that's if he can get into a job in his field. I'll also probably try for my masters degree after #3 if we decide that we're done having babies.

cmjenkies · December 2015

I enjoy working outside of the home, I always have. I'm also the breadwinner in our family and I feel as though I worked hard to make my career a reality, so it's important to me. Honestly, I don't have the patience to be a SAHM anyway. If one of us ever stayed home, it would be DH. I love being a mother and I love my babies, but I think it sounds completely terrible. My SIL is and I think she's a rock star. Whatever works for you and your family is all that matters! The wonderful thing is anybody can change their minds at any time, you're not locked permanently into any decision.

Poppy16 · December 2015

The other ladies have given great advice, and I won't repeat what they've said, especially as far as it being a personal decision based on you and your husband's preferences. But maybe my experience can help you figure out which direction you want to go in. I've been a SAHM for 9.5 years now. I quit when I was 6 months pregnant with my oldest and haven't worked since. I really didn't like working. I hated the commute, the office politics, and not being home but for 2 hours a day. My personality is that I'm introverted, and very much a home body. I love being home all day. I love being in charge of my own schedule and go to the beach when I want, or do whatever I want. Plus, I knew from the beginning that I wanted to homeschool, so going back to work has never been on my radar. As long as my husband keeps his job and health, I plan to be home for a very long time.

There's a perception that being a SAHM is mind-numbing, but that's really not true. It is a bit boring in the first year, because baby just naps a lot, eats, and crawls around. But the older they get, and the more they interact, and the more kids you add, the more exciting and fun it gets (at least, in my experience). There is tons of opportunity for getting to know other moms and socializing your kid(s). You can be as busy or as laid back as you want as a SAHM. Hope that helps! Good luck with your decision.

JadaBlue · December 2015

PPs have given great advice. It's necessarily a personal decision. If you have the option, I would recommend not having strong expectations before your LO arrives and you have a chance to spend some time living the life you would lead as a SAHM. I was open to being a SAHM when DD was born (DH was supportive, we could afford it), but in the end was happy to resume my career when she was five months old. My daughter has been cared for by the same nanny since she was three months old (we were able to overlap for a couple of months to get comfortable, an enormous luxury), and in my view her nanny is one more person who brings love, expertise, good sense, caring, and fun into my daughter's life. My husband and I having the stimulation and "break" of work also helps us to be better parents in the mornings, afternoons, and weekends when we're with her. I hope you have the support and resources to make the decision which is best for you and your family.

mrstrax · December 2015

The hardest thing for me when I transitioned from work to SAHM was the lack of specific tasks. My job had been very task oriented - get these things done daily, these weekly, and a couple long term projects. Being a SAHM, especially in the first 6 months, your tasks for the day are pretty much keep baby fed, dry and hopefully get them to sleep. I combated it with a simple housekeeping schedule and it got much better once DD was on a schedule that I could "check off" through the day.

When DD was 6 months old, I started doing daycare for one more little boy to "supplement income" - ha! I made about half of what DH paid in taxes last year

- and to feel a little more productive. That was a fantastic in-between for our family, because I was still only focused on being a mom and not trying to find time to work from home during naps etc, but still felt like I was "earning my keep" and had to put on pants at least 4 days a week.

mrstrax · December 2015

Also, to clarify my "earning my keep" phrase and as a reminder as you look at financials - every dollar I made, we considered doubled. I made $30/day (average for our area) doing daycare, but we also didn't spend that $30 sending our daughter to daycare. So my being home and watching him actually made us $60/day. This is obviously something very individual as far as budgets go, but I know multiple families who it actually comes out almost perfectly even for mom (or dad) to work or not. The amount they spend on increased gas, work clothes, lunches out, taxes, and childcare are the same as she makes by working.

Missingchampagne · December 2015

I think it depends where your sense of personal satisfaction comes from. If you're a person that can feel deeply fulfilled as an individual by taking care of the home, and draws their merit from that, that's very important. Other women need to work and succeed in a professional environment, learning and career achievements make up a huge cornerstone of their sense of personal fulfillment and they simply cannot lose that.

For me, I needed both and was not happy with the idea of being provided for... NOR was I happy with the minimal time I was spending at home with my last job. I currently run my own business from home, and have spent the last 2 years building it up. Working from home and managing my own hours, schedule, and career has given me that sense of achievement that I've always needed. Being home allows me to be the wife and homemaker I want to be.

If you want both, you can have both, in most fields. Today's job market is much more open to working from home than it used to be, if you're willing to take your time and search "outside the box" a little.

loveymay · December 2015

I would love to be able to stay home, I hate working! I mean, I like my job but given the opportunity, I would quit and do something more meaningful with my time. We could afford for me to stay home, but we would have to change our lifestyle, and that is not something we want for ourselves or for our family. And I make a little more than my dh and my job comes with a pension. No way am I giving that up! I know it will be hard to be away from my baby, but I just think of all the things we can provide for him (like college, international travel experiences, etc) and the fact that we won't have to worry about sticking to a tight budget. But I think its a personal decision and you have to figure out what you are willing to give up on either end.

Goldsgirl9 · December 2015

I agree with all pp's. DH and I have this discussion often as he really wants me to stay home when this baby is born but I am nervous due to healthcare. DH works for himself and while he does well for himself I pay for our healthcare through my employer which would be a major expense to take on privately. We did decide that when DS starts school, in about 3 years I will quit working to be a SAHM. I will be 40 or so at that time and want to drop him off and pick him up from school and do homework with him and go on field trips. If our situation changes and I have to keep working than I will but hopefully that won't be the case. Working now is a choice and I enjoy it most days And the additional income that allows us to certain luxuries we may not be able To afford otherwise.

Ready4theParty · December 2015

I really enjoy being a mom but I also really enjoy working and feeling like I am contributing to my family's well being. With DD I wasn't working and finally found a job when she was about six months old. I think this time around if I did not have an awesome boss who got the work life balance I would really consider the SAHM thing.

Something to consider would be if you plan to re-enter the workforce after your child (ren) goes to school. Will your career allow you to start where you left off or will you need to start back at the bottom of the ladder?

ivyvines6 · December 2015

Not a STM, but I wanted to add I'll be staying home for a few years. I legitimately do not make enough money to justify childcare expenses. Plus my background has me very well groomed for this lifestyle. (Think an abusive Dugger family scenario) I'm probably the odd one out as I've never been particularly attached to any job I've ever held, no matter how much or little I put into it. I will still be teaching dance PT in the evenings, but LO will be going with me, and tbh I don't even view my dance classes as work. (Just wish it paid better!)

spicedice · December 2015

Knottie9983816 said:
Not a STM, but I wanted to add I'll be staying home for a few years. I legitimately do not make enough money to justify childcare expenses. Plus my background has me very well groomed for this lifestyle. (Think an abusive Dugger family scenario) I'm probably the odd one out as I've never been particularly attached to any job I've ever held, no matter how much or little I put into it. I will still be teaching dance PT in the evenings, but LO will be going with me, and tbh I don't even view my dance classes as work. (Just wish it paid better!)

The only reason we can afford childcare is because my MIL is a SAHM and babysits when DH and I both work! We've actually been agonizing over what we're going to do after my leave ends and I return to work, since that means leaving my MIL with a toddler and an infant. I don't think she could handle both kids 5 days a week (she has a really bad back and major migraine issues), so DH is going to try and move his schedule around so she only has the kids 2-3 days a week.

I can't imagine paying for daycare... It's about $125 a week for a toddler in my area.

kt012885 · December 2015

I believe I have the best of both worlds, at least for me. When DD was 8 months (now 2 1/2) I quit my full-time job as a lending assistant to stay at home part-time. I substitute teach part-time. I LOVE it! That first summer I started cleaning houses and now do both clean and sub. I work on average 3 days a week- sometimes more and sometimes less. It gets me out of the house with some adult interaction but I get to stay at home and spend time with DD and soon the baby. I'd be ok if I was full-time SAHM but we just can't afford it.

Pros (for me)- We spend our days going on walks, going to the park, swimming in our pool (summer), we do craft time, go to the library once a week and just playing outside/inside. She doesn't get near as sick as she did when going to daycare full-time.

Cons- I'd say adult interaction if I was at home full-time.

I love every single minute of it. I do bring in money (not a lot but enough)- so I don't feel totally dependent on DH which helps. DD has always been a very laid back baby/child and sleeps great so thankfully there hasn't been too many stressful days. However, I have friends that would never want to stay home- I really think it just depends on the person. I couldn't go another day having someone else experience DD's firsts and getting so much time with her.

So basically part-time is best for me for those reasons. I do miss her like crazy when working but she gets to go to daycare and play with her friends and I think that is important for kids too- to have the social interaction with other kids.

ashleymarie1027 · December 2015

sprocketsngadgets said:
This is an incredibly personal decision and there is no right or wrong. I knew when I was pregnant with DD1 that I wasn't cut out to be a SAHM. For me the pros were extra income, adult interaction, continuing my career, DD1 getting more socialization, she doesn't need constant attention since she doesn't get it at daycare (helpful when laundry/dishes/dinner need to get done) and learning a whole lot more at our awesome daycare than she probably would with me. Cons are/were pumping was a PITA, missing a bunch of firsts (like waving and blowing kisses) and when she gets sick she gets really sick.

This is me pretty much exactly. That being said, I'm really happy with our arrangement overall. My parents both worked, but focuses on family in the "off work" time.

My advice to offer is, when you're a parent working outside the home, there seems to be even less time left for "me time". I'm ok with that, but i can imagine that aspect being hard for some.

cortney626 · December 2015

I've always worked full time (my daughter is 8). DH and I both run companies and I enjoy my job. I would not be able to be a SAHM. Not for me. Plus I would have to work to maintain our lifestyle, even with day care expenses. For DH and I, us both working just works. We both have our jobs during the day then we come home and tag team whatever needs to be done...homework, dinner, clean up, etc.

I have some friends who are SAHMs and they absolutely love it. Their husbands are supportive and can swing it financially. Another close friend hated it and ending up going back to work. She was missing the adult interaction. She was the care taker 24/7. When her husband got home from work, she can't just hand off the kids. Some resentment on both parties started to set in. That could be more about their relationship than her just being at home.

There are so many factors like pp's have mentioned. If you have DH's support and can afford it financially, try being a SAHM. If you need to go back into the workforce, you can always do that too. Good luck!

pinottoparenthood · December 2015

Ugh I am in the same boat. I am a STM... I took six weeks off with my son, went back to work for a couple weeks, then had the summer (I'm a teacher)..... so I essentially was with him for the first four months of his life. That time was amazing and I am so glad I had it! I am having my second around the same time for the same reason. I do love being with my son, but I also find that sometimes when I am home for long periods of time (like the summer), my days feel a little bit repetitive/sometimes I feel like I don't really have a purpose if that makes sense. I LOVE being a mom and of course it's the most important thing to me, but for me I'm not sure if it's 100% fulfilling.

I am currently trying to decide if it's worth it to go back to work. I only make a little over $30k a year at my teaching job, so after childcare, I won't be bringing much home. My husband is currently pursuing a job opportunity that would more than double his salary and definitely enable me to stay home. It's exciting but it's also scary. I think I would need to network and make a lot of mom friends (the job would require us to move), because otherwise I would get bored and kind of lonely at home. Being at home by yourself for long periods of time, especially with an infant, can be sort of lonely and isolating.

We'll see what happens! If my husband gets this promotion, I'll at least try staying at home for awhile and see how Ifeel. Like others have mentioned, it's not like you can't go back to working down the road if that;s what you want to do!

spicedice · December 2015

pinottoparenthood said:
Ugh I am in the same boat. I am a STM... I took six weeks off with my son, went back to work for a couple weeks, then had the summer (I'm a teacher)..... so I essentially was with him for the first four months of his life. That time was amazing and I am so glad I had it! I am having my second around the same time for the same reason. I do love being with my son, but I also find that sometimes when I am home for long periods of time (like the summer), my days feel a little bit repetitive/sometimes I feel like I don't really have a purpose if that makes sense. I LOVE being a mom and of course it's the most important thing to me, but for me I'm not sure if it's 100% fulfilling.

I am currently trying to decide if it's worth it to go back to work. I only make a little over $30k a year at my teaching job, so after childcare, I won't be bringing much home. My husband is currently pursuing a job opportunity that would more than double his salary and definitely enable me to stay home. It's exciting but it's also scary. I think I would need to network and make a lot of mom friends (the job would require us to move), because otherwise I would get bored and kind of lonely at home. Being at home by yourself for long periods of time, especially with an infant, can be sort of lonely and isolating.

We'll see what happens! If my husband gets this promotion, I'll at least try staying at home for awhile and see how Ifeel. Like others have mentioned, it's not like you can't go back to working down the road if that;s what you want to do!

I'm currently trying to see if I can stretch my PTO long enough to take an extra month off from work. Four months with baby sounds heavenly!

I'm terrible at networking with moms in my area... Most of my friends don't have kids (DH and I were pretty much the first ones in either of our social groups to get married or have kids) or their kids are way too old to play well with DS1. DH may have a job opportunity sometime in the next year or two that would require us to relocate, but it should pay enough for me to stay at home with the boys. If that happens, I'm probably going to go for my masters degree.

mountainsmama · December 2015

Can I just say how great and respectful this thread is? I think the SAH vs. working mom debate is one of the biggest issues at the heart of the mommy wars and nobody has even hinted at a "you're a bad mom if you work" or "you have no life/will spoil your kids" kind of argument on here.

It's obviously such a personal and situation-dependent question. I have no choice but to go back to work, as I have a ton of law school debt to pay off, but I also worked my whole 20s to get where I am in my career and I wouldn't want to give that all up. That being said, I know it's going to be soo hard to leave my little one all day when I come back. I'm hoping to work out more flexible hours and come into the office 4 days a week.

There is no right answer and both scenarios have pros and cons. Women (generally)have to deal with so much more complexity than men when it comes to this work/life balance stuff!

jasmineahenderson · December 2015

I agree with everyone on. It's really a personal decision. I am a SAHWM meaning I run a business from home, but I just started that. When I originally became pregnant I plan to go back to work and when my son was born I didn't have a choice because I was teaching and I had to finish out my contract. However, after he was born my husband and I sat down and decided that that would be my last year until my children went to school because I wanted to be home with them. But I have lots of friends who are also teachers and who went back to work afterwards. You do miss adult interaction unless you get a really good group of friends or other stay at home moms, but it's nice to be the one who sees everything, all the first. Honestly it's a conversation I would have with your partner after your little one is born because everything changes once you meet that little one.

dancingsphinx22 · December 2015

My mother was a SAHM to three kids, and I'm pretty sure she hated it. When my youngest brother was old enough to go to school, she went back to work part time, and I think she liked that a lot more.

For me, I never found a job/career that I LOVED. I'm not worried about leaving a career behind. I'm also introverted, so social interaction isn't exactly high on my list of priorities.

I will be a SAHM when baby gets here, and then DH and I will decide if working would be better or not, either for financial reasons, or emotional reasons.

Not to get too personal, but my mother was very crabby when she was a SAHM. Maybe she was depressed, but she never wanted to interact with us kids. We were more of a nuisance to her than anything. But when she was working, things at home got a lot better, because she was out of the house.

In a way, she became a better mother because she was working. It won't be like that for every woman. Just something to consider

allaire314 · December 2015

jasmineahenderson said:

I agree with everyone on. It's really a personal decision. I am a SAHWM meaning I run a business from home, but I just started that. When I originally became pregnant I plan to go back to work and when my son was born I didn't have a choice because I was teaching and I had to finish out my contract. However, after he was born my husband and I sat down and decided that that would be my last year until my children went to school because I wanted to be home with them. But I have lots of friends who are also teachers and who went back to work afterwards. You do miss adult interaction unless you get a really good group of friends or other stay at home moms, but it's nice to be the one who sees everything, all the first. Honestly it's a conversation I would have with your partner after your little horny because everything changes once you meet that little one.

Hold up... why would you need to by horny to have the conversation!?

jasmineahenderson · December 2015

Autocorrect. Sorry typing with a one year old in your lap doesn't work

pinottoparenthood · December 2015

allaire314 said:

jasmineahenderson said:

I agree with everyone on. It's really a personal decision. I am a SAHWM meaning I run a business from home, but I just started that. When I originally became pregnant I plan to go back to work and when my son was born I didn't have a choice because I was teaching and I had to finish out my contract. However, after he was born my husband and I sat down and decided that that would be my last year until my children went to school because I wanted to be home with them. But I have lots of friends who are also teachers and who went back to work afterwards. You do miss adult interaction unless you get a really good group of friends or other stay at home moms, but it's nice to be the one who sees everything, all the first. Honestly it's a conversation I would have with your partner after your little horny because everything changes once you meet that little one.

Hold up... why would you need to by horny to have the conversation!?

bahahhahahahahahaaa

Somersky · December 2015

I love this thread! @LArunnergal I feel your law school pain. Hubs and I kicked our debt payments into high gear this past year and we aim to make the last student loan payment just about the time my maternity leave is up (thank goodness!). Now we are weighing whether DH will become a SAHD or go back to work. For me, I feel like I need at least a couple more years of this good income--and I do enjoy the work, and would probably be a cranky SAHM. DH has far more patience than me, which I'm guessing would make him a better stay at home candidate. But I do worry about the potential for loneliness.

I'll have to show DH this thread so he gets various perspectives on the stay at home experience!

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