Should we stop worrying about duplicate names?

2-Step · December 2015

DH has a huge family. I think he has over 25 first cousins and we are fairly close to most of them. We see many of them only about once or twice a year, but we're all FB friends and communicate fairly often. They live in another state but we usually meet up for a family reunion every other year or so for a week long vacation and we always know what is going on with them etc. This has been a huge problem for us with naming. In addition to the 25 cousins, there are 10 aunts and uncles and about 12 children from the cousins. My side is smaller but very close and still involves 6 cousins with 8 children plus aunts and uncles. Add in our close friends and basically every name we like has been used.

So, at what point do you say screw it and use whatever name you like?

Our biggest dilemma is that the main name we love is associated with a black sheep of the extended family. It is one person we don't want to honor at all, but we both like the name and think it would fit our family.He's a second cousin, but we see his mom and brothers about 2-3x a year at family functions. I know it would be awkward because he has broken his mother's heart so I'm not sure how that conversation would go when we see them and introduce our new baby with the same name. I also don't want to cause her any pain. Its not a super common name.

Two of our other top names were given to children of his cousin and they are close in age, so those names are out.

So, WWYD? Settle for a name we like less that is outside the family/friend circle, or just say screw it and use whichever one we like no matter who shares it? I have 10 weeks to go and we are both frustrated and at a loss right now. We've been up and down the SSA list multiple times.

penelope4612 · December 2015

#1 - If you tell us the name you want to use, we may be able to try to help you find something similar.

#2 - Are the cousins that are similar in age people you see very often? Are the names common? If you don't see them often and the names are common, then I would consider it fine to use them, especially if there is possibly a nickname you could use to distinguish them. Remember, your kids may meet other kids in the neighborhood and/or at school, sports, etc with the same name as them. It happens, and it sounds like it's potentially better for you because you're not inadvertently "honoring" someone that you dislike.

#3 - If you choose the name of the black sheep of the family, I would probably warn his mother beforehand and explain your position, so she's not blindsided by it at some family function, in the event that it is upsetting to her.

Elsa1984 · December 2015

In all honesty, if you would have just said that it was a duplicate name of a family member that you rarely see, I would use it. HOWEVER, since this person has already caused some issues when it comes to the family, and he has broken his mother's heart who knows how many times (because you really probably don't know EVERY story of everything he is done to her and the family), I wouldn't use it.

I have two uncles that have names that I love, but both of them had issues with the family, and although my dad would never say anything if we used either name (just because we like the name), I know that it would sting.....and it would suck for him. So those names were vetoed because of that.

I would ditch the name, and start looking for something else.

Bringmemylongswordho · December 2015

Sounds like the name has baggage. I'd drop that one and would look for new names, but I'd stop worrying about duplicates since your extended family is so large.

2-Step · December 2015

penelope4612 said:

#1 - If you tell us the name you want to use, we may be able to try to help you find something similar.
#2 - Are the cousins that are similar in age people you see very often? Are the names common? If you don't see them often and the names are common, then I would consider it fine to use them, especially if there is possibly a nickname you could use to distinguish them. Remember, your kids may meet other kids in the neighborhood and/or at school, sports, etc with the same name as them. It happens, and it sounds like it's potentially better for you because you're not inadvertently "honoring" someone that you dislike.
#3 - If you choose the name of the black sheep of the family, I would probably warn his mother beforehand and explain your position, so she's not blindsided by it at some family function, in the event that it is upsetting to her.

Ok, so the name is Drew. I posted about it earlier. Here is the scenario. One of my DHs cousins is named Andrew, it is his best friend since birth and everyone calls him Andy. He was the best man in our wedding and we love him. The second cousin, Drew (same side of the family) is the black sheep. I love the name Drew and I have liked it since I was a little girl. My solution was to use Andrew and nn to Drew and say we are honoring the best friend. DH is on the fence about using his cousin/best friend's name, not sure why. He says if we are going to nn to Drew it's the same thing as just using it and we shouldn't bother with Andrew if we are going to call him something different. To me, it just seems more respectful in some way not to open the wound and have someone else to honor. He doesn't really get it, so I am interested in other opinions.

ETA: I also feel like Andrew nn Drew is more common so it might not seem like we are directly using that name. Maybe I am just tricking myself with semantics though!

penelope4612 · December 2015

2-Step said:

penelope4612 said:

#1 - If you tell us the name you want to use, we may be able to try to help you find something similar.
#2 - Are the cousins that are similar in age people you see very often? Are the names common? If you don't see them often and the names are common, then I would consider it fine to use them, especially if there is possibly a nickname you could use to distinguish them. Remember, your kids may meet other kids in the neighborhood and/or at school, sports, etc with the same name as them. It happens, and it sounds like it's potentially better for you because you're not inadvertently "honoring" someone that you dislike.
#3 - If you choose the name of the black sheep of the family, I would probably warn his mother beforehand and explain your position, so she's not blindsided by it at some family function, in the event that it is upsetting to her.

Ok, so the name is Drew. I posted about it earlier. Here is the scenario. One of my DHs cousins is named Andrew, it is his best friend since birth and everyone calls him Andy. He was the best man in our wedding and we love him. The second cousin, Drew (same side of the family) is the black sheep. I love the name Drew and I have liked it since I was a little girl. My solution was to use Andrew and nn to Drew and say we are honoring the best friend. DH is on the fence about using his cousin/best friend's name, not sure why. He says if we are going to nn to Drew it's the same thing as just using it and we shouldn't bother with Andrew if we are going to call him something different. To me, it just seems more respectful in some way not to open the wound and have someone else to honor. He doesn't really get it, so I am interested in other opinions.

ETA: I also feel like Andrew nn Drew is more common so it might not seem like we are directly using that name. Maybe I am just tricking myself with semantics though!

Ok I actually agree with you on this one. If you can easily get away with naming the child Andrew and using Drew and making it a point that you're not honoring the cousin that you don't like, then that is a win/win in my book. Also, in my opinion, it's always better to give the child a longer first name so that they can choose how they'd like to be called in the future (as someone with a short name that doesn't lend itself to nicknames) but I realize that only some people share this opinion.

Names that I think are along the same lines as Drew (I'm sure you've seen all these, but...)

Ryan

Jack

Brian

Dylan

Rhys

Brock

Max

Neil

Kirk

Kurt

Kyle

Cole

Luke

Evan

Jacob/Jake

Brett

Eric

Ethan

Joshua/Josh

Tyler

Noah

Nathan/Nate

Zachary/Zack

Caleb

Knottie1442268460 · December 2015

I wouldn't use an/drew. The others are up for grabs!

MamaWren919 · December 2015

I wouldn't worry about 2nd cousins. Nieces and nephews or first cousins who you see often are a factor, but you have to draw the line somewhere. My 2nd cousin named her daughter Ivy, but I would still use that name if we ever have a girl. Unless the black sheep would make your parents/immediate family uncomfortable with the name, I wouldn't worry about black sheep either. Don't choose a name based on what people you only see at family reunions might think.

2-Step · December 2015

MamaWren919 said:

I wouldn't worry about 2nd cousins. Nieces and nephews or first cousins who you see often are a factor, but you have to draw the line somewhere. My 2nd cousin named her daughter Ivy, but I would still use that name if we ever have a girl. Unless the black sheep would make your parents/immediate family uncomfortable with the name, I wouldn't worry about black sheep either. Don't choose a name based on what people you only see at family reunions might think.

Ok, this is what DH says too and it is his family. I know the parents and first cousins would not care much. They might comment on it once but after that I don't think it would be brought up again. I was worried about it being disrespectful or something, but I guess he knows his family best. He thinks they wouldn't be offended at all and it's just about us not having a bad associate with the name, which I don't.

m8881 · December 2015

I gave my son a name not used much and my uncle is also named it, but I wasn't honoring him at all. I never see him but we keep in touch a little. There were comments made about it but i explained that we just liked the name. I wouldnt have done it if there was any bad association though.

stephweinstein · December 2015

Personally I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't want my child associated with someone people considered an outsider.

lm45678 · December 2015

We're specifically not using the mn John if this LO is a boy because he is the black sheep in my family.

Unless you both are 100% in love with the name and can't imagine your son being named anything else I would go back to the drawing board.

@penelope4612 had some great suggestions

Elsa1984 · December 2015

I would use Andrew and the nn Drew in this situation. It gives LO something to fall back on if he wants a more formal name for documents, it keeps people from thinking he is named after cousin Drew, and you can still call him Drew 100% of the time. Plus, it sounds like cousin Andy is a pretty important person in your husband's life, what would be so wrong about naming your child after him (when it comes to baby's legal name)? Our friend is a Andrew (Andy), and his son is Andrew (Drew), but his son is 5 and has NO idea that his legal name is Andrew. He has always been called Drew, and nothing else. They were going to go with only Drew as his legal name, but they thought that "Andrew Lastname" would look better on resumes, diploma, formal invitations, etc....than "Drew Lastname" would. One of our top contenders is in honor of someone (my husband's best friend of 25+ years) that has always gone by the name Sam, never Samuel. I am not a big fan of Samuel, and just like Sam. It is also my MIL's father's name, my MIL's brother's name, and Sam was the name of my favorite dog growing up. There is a little bit of bad blood between MIL (and all of her sister's), and this brother......so part of me is like "do I still use it?", but looking at the whole picture, she would know that we were honoring her father, and Sam (our friend). And as much as I would love to just use Sam (which is what best friend, husband's grandfather, husband's uncle, and my dog all went by), we would end up using Samuel so it would be a more formal name, but he would 100% go by Sam.

tripledaggerWed95976 · December 2015

I don't think duplicate names within a family is a problem, however I wouldn't use a name that has a bad connotation within your family.

FutureMrsCaesar · December 2015

I think you'd be fine using Andrew, nn Drew if you can get DH on board. I also think it's fine to duplicate names within the family unless they will be basically the same age or very, very close, then I'd probably think long and hard. With that big of a family it would be almost impossible to find a great name that someone hasn't used. Like someone else said, maybe just give them a heads up in advance.

EmmaKapoor · December 2015

Tough one. Do you like the name Druitt? You can nickname it with Dru or Drew.
Good luck x

southerngirlgetsfit · January 2016

I'm wondering why your husband isn't okay with naming the baby after his good friend, but is okay with naming it after such a negative influence in your family.

Either way, I'd use Andrew or Drew and say to hell with them all lol

LoveLee85 · January 2016

Oh my gosh...are we related?! Lol my DH family is massive. His mom has 6 sisters, that all have grown kids, who have their own kids!! Some of these 'kids' are engaged or in college. And we get together with them all the time. It's insane. Lol. Two of my top boy names his family has already used. I was so upset. Found new names, then it turns out 'those were unacceptable' because their cousins in another state used them. WTH. I also couldn't use a single biblical name, they have used them all a few times over. I decided to go with a fresh name and I'm glad I did. I feel like there are just too many names to have repeats in close families. It was very difficult until we found more names we liked online. Since my LO, there have been 4 more babies born into the family. I was so anxious they would use my girl name, or my other boy names! Thank goodness they didn't! Because there was a baby boom in there family, we didn't share names with ANYONE.

LoveLee85 · January 2016

Wanted to add, you can always use any name you like....just be ready for some backlash.

2-Step · January 2016

southerngirlgetsfit said:

I'm wondering why your husband isn't okay with naming the baby after his good friend, but is okay with naming it after such a negative influence in your family.

Either way, I'd use Andrew or Drew and say to hell with them all lol

I think he just doesn't really like the name Andrew, even though he loves his friend. He tends to not like traditional names, so Drew was kind of a compromise I guess.

LadySamLady · January 2016

If Drew is the only name you love and feels right then you should use it. People may have weirdness about it in the beginning but so what? They probably won't say anything to you if they do and it will be short lived weirdness. My first cousin had a baby boy three months after my brother/SIL had boy twins and there are now two baby Emmets (one spelled with two Ts) in our family. It was super weird at first, especially since she didn't give my brother/SIL a heads up or anything but now we're all used to it and no one cares. Emmet and Emmett are very different but the name fits them both.

TheHauntedHauswife · January 2016

Like @EmmaKapoor said, Druitt is nice also Drewer another option.

LizaKate1213 · January 2016

I think you should scrap it. Its a great name, but sounds like there is a lot attached to it emotionally. Also, even with a big family, there are literally hundreds of thousands of names out there and only 100 or so family members. Especially if DH isn't on board completely, it's best to find something you both mutually love and don't have any doubts over. I don't think it would be too bad to use as a MN though.

lalalorelai · January 2016

My mom is one of 11 kids. I have 25 cousins just on her side, and most of them are older than me and have kids. There's somewhere around 60 kids in my cousins' kids' generation. I know most of their names but if I didn't do any duplicates there aren't many normal names left. We drew the line at first cousins--we wouldn't take any names from aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, siblings, or first cousins. Anything other than that is fair game. And we only went that far because I'm fairly close with all my first cousins and see them at least once a year.

So I think picking Andrew is far enough removed that it won't get confusing.

2-Step · January 2016

We decided to go another direction. Thanks for your opinions everyone. We ran it by DHs family over the holidays and got some bad reactions so that turned us off. It was good to hear what others think about duplicates though because we may have to consider some other dups in our search for the right name!

linzandjer11 · January 2016

once you name your child, even if you have to give up a name you love, you'll love your child's name because it's theirs! Don't mourn names you can't use too long. There are SO many out there and you only have to pick one.

arcanejinx · January 2016

At last count my Dad has 67 living first cousins. Even though my name is not common there are a few Tanya's in the extended family. However no one is associated with causing pain to others in the family. I'm one of 15? Cousins (most who have children and grandchildren now) on one side and one of 8 on the other. I'm not worried about stepping on toes name wise-even though I see some more than others.

One of my fave boys name is Everette-which is DHs father's name. It was the only boys name we both liked but because of drama we both agreed we wouldn't use it as his father doesn't deserve to think we are honouring him in any way (he goes by a different middle name). Sometimes you just have to let a name go. We are having a girl so the name isn't an issue anymore.

Once we both agreed Everette was off the table totally we came up with a few completely different names we were happy with.

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