How to deal with questions about getting pregnant from others that don't know about your loss?

DNM114 · December 2015

Hi Everyone, I just miscarried at 8 weeks around Thanksgiving and with the holiday season we have had a lot of family events and parties. We only told our immediate family and closest friends about the pregnancy/loss so people innocently have been asking me "are you going to try for that girl?"(I have boys). How do you all deal with questions from people about if you are going to get pregnant? I just kind of smiled and said, well we have our hands full now, or laughed it off when I really just wanted to burst into tears. I got asked this 3 or 4 times at a Neighborhood christmas party this past weekend. I am not looking forward to all the family Christmas gatherings, I might just have to answer honestly and tell them we just miscarried and don't want to be asked those questions, but feel that will ruin the Christmas spirit/mood. Thoughts on what to say/do in response or how do you cope with these questions? We are going to start trying again but I don't think that's anyones business!!

penelope4612 · December 2015

Ugh, I don't have good advice but I feel you. I went to a function with DHs family and his grandfather is quite old and occasionally inappropriate and brings up having babies every time we see him. I thought he knew about our loss, since DH couldn't go home to see them the last time they were visiting because we were in the midst of a miscarriage and he didn't want to leave me alone. I'm still not sure if he knows or not, but he came up to me and was telling me about how it's my turn next and he knows we'll have babies soon, etc etc and didn't pick up on my cues that I was uncomfortable or DHs signals to drop it. It's so uncomfortable, difficult and frustrating. Anyway, I'm sorry that you had to go through that repeatedly at a party. That really sucks.

I think you just have to figure out what you're comfortable saying, and that probably also depends upon who you're saying it to. A simple "unfortunately we had a miscarriage so this is a sensitive subject right now and I'd rather not talk about it" might get your point across and news might spread so that others don't ask you. But then you'd have to be fine with people knowing. Since you already have kids, you could also just say "We're happy with our boys and not planning another". If they push it you could ask if they'd like to contribute to the college fund for another baby and that will probably shut them up.

PeggyOlsonFTW · December 2015

My advice is that if people are going to be that nosy, go ahead and burst into tears and tell them about your loss. I think your reproductive plans are none of their business and it's ok to remind them of that.

lilyaster · December 2015

I'm not in that situation now because we had told everyone, but I have a friend who m/c'd and her response is "We're working on it." It really is nobody's business and I don't think they realize what a personal question it is.

kja2011 · December 2015

I either say:
Hopefully soon, but things don't always go according to plans
Or
Hopefully soon. I had a recent miscarriage and we are taking things one day at at time.

chloe97 · December 2015

Honestly, I'm done hiding things-including my miscarriage. I'm not pregnant yet, but when I am I've decided I'm not fake drinking again and if someone is rude enough to ask what's going on, I'm just going to tell them flat out I had a miscarriage and it sucks, I'm pregnant again and wasn't planning to tell anyone because it's early, but since you asked...

Hopefully it's enough to teach people to keep their mouths shut.

strickland8052 · December 2015

I've been thinking about this lately too. H's aunt always asks us, so I've just decided that whatever comes out of my mouth is OK. If I bust out into tears...fine... I shouldn't have to pretend all is dandy in the world when we are experiencing a loss.

We have been pretty open about our TTC plans, and I honestly don't mind being open about this either. I think it helps for people to know what we are dealing with.

RipleyLV426 · December 2015

I think that there is so much stigma when it comes to talking about miscarriage. I tried to hide it at first, and cry when I was out of sight. Hell, I had a girl announce her TWINS pregnancy in front of me a month after my miscarriage (She knew about my miscarriage) and even said on more than one occasion "If you want one just let me know!" All smiles of course. But now when people ask, I tell them! Who cares if it makes them uncomfortable! It didn't happen to them! I actually had a male friend who knew so little about it (He thought the baby just gets absorbed back into your body) That I sat him down and explained what was actually happening, and he was so upset about what i was experiencing, he spent the entire day with me to make sure I was ok. People need to talk about it more. Not saying you have to until you're comfortable, but it shouldn't feel like this dirty little secret that we can't talk about. Talking is the only way I've gotten through this.

RipleyLV426 · December 2015

Amen to that chloe97 !

FiancB · December 2015

If people are going to make me uncomfortable by pushing it, I am perfectly okay with making them extremely uncomfortable by letting them know I had a loss and fuckyouverymuch for the reminder.

decoycandy · December 2015

Ya. I was thinking of just saying " I am trying to get through this miscarriage first, then we shall see"

There are 8 grandkids already, another on the way, mine would have been the 10th. I am also the oldest, so I get the question everytime. Christmas will be hard, but I don't have the emotional energy to fake a smile and placade those who make insensitive comments

R0824H · December 2015

I straight up say "well if you need to know we have been trying and so far we've had 2 losses" or something along that line...if they want to pry into what's going on in my uterus, I give them the facts. I don't hide our losses, it's a part of me and a part of our ttc journey and will always be a part of it. It's suprising how many people will open up with their stories after.

Then again I find people always like to offer their medical advice as to why it happened which is pretty annoying

RipleyLV426 · December 2015

@R0824H you gotta loooove the advice! I always appreciate the "It wasn't meant to be with that child" or "If you're meant to be a parent you will be". People can be so stupid.

R0824H · December 2015

@RipleyLV426 ughh that's the worst to hear.. or the "i'm sorry but don't worry I'm sure you'll be pregnant soon" ....I'm 100% sure you don't have a magic crystal ball that looks into my uterus so cut the rainbows and unicorn farts mmk?

I know it's usually because they think it's comforting and most likely they never have gone through a loss so they don't understand how painful their words

RipleyLV426 · December 2015

@R0284H Or the classic "If you just stop trying and relax you'll get pregnant" I don't ovulate on my own ya ASS!

Screamertree · December 2015

We lost our son at the 13 week mark, we had already told everyone, family friends, everyone.
A week and a half before our wedding.
Three weeks before Thanksgiving.
My amazing husband told a select few people, and asked them if they'd inform whichever group they were "representing", a couple friends, an aunt from each side of the family, of what had happened, and that condolences are appreciated, but beyond that, keep your mouth shut. Everyone followed orders, and we had as good a time as can be hoped for under such circumstances.
I hope this helps. Dealing with loss is never easy, only made worse when you're supposed to be putting on a happy face for the world. Good luck!

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