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Retired parents watching LO

jasminelukejasmineluke member
in October 2015 Moms
So, in 6 months we will moving due to DH job situation. We will be coincidentally closer to my parents who are both retired and they are expecting to be the baby's caregiver at that point while I am at work. Initially my husband and I were thrilled at the idea of saving money in childcare and thought who else would be better and loving then grandparents to watch the baby!
HOWEVER, it seems as though through the weeks they have their own way of doing things and feel like what they do is better because they know "how to raise kids". They disregard my wishes and plans for the baby. For example, personally I never wanted to co-sleep but they will always have the baby in bed with them and sleep for naps in bed with them night and day. They will always say obnoxious things like " we know better how to raise a baby then you do". I personally get offended by this and my husband loses it with them (they have a really rough relationship to begin with ). Basically my parents are extremely overbearing and we will feel like we owe them and will have to suck it up and take their obnoxious comments since they are watching our daughter.
Do you ladies recommend day care/nanny over the grandparents watching the baby to save everyone's sanity? Any similar Stories ??!
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Re: Retired parents watching LO

  • basdenjn6basdenjn6 member
    Wow, that's a difficult situation to be in. My
    Mom is retired and will be taking care of LO when I go back to work but she's pretty respectful of what I ask, and she was a neonatal nurse for 30 yrs. While free daycare is awesome and you can't beat having family that you trust over daycare (stranger factor) it's important that they still respect that right or wrong - you are the parent. I would have a sit down with them and tell them that while they do know a lot your requests and choices with your baby shouldn't be ignored and if they want to know why your are asking them to do something specific you'll be happy to discuss your reasons with them. From there I would pick your battles on what's most important to you. Good luck!
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  • jasminelukejasmineluke member
    They are going to take good care of her because they love her but they will do as they please even if it's not what I normally do with her the past 12 weeks. They may not stick with my routine or nap schedule or feeding schedule. They will probably interfere with bedtime a little too. They believe in attachment parenting and while I respect that choice - it is not for me and I never co-slept with my baby, she's been sleeping well in her rocker in the nursery
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  • rms924rms924 member
    I'm in this situation with my mom. We've chosen to pay for a nanny.

    My mom is not only overbearing but if she does you a favor she will never let you forget it. She will still bring up the fact that she dog sat for me and how she's allergic to my dog and how she sacrificed her health for me by watching said dog.

    She actually she says this and believes that no one else in the world has done more for her children. Sigh. For our sanity it's better for us not to rely on her. Despite the astronomical cost of a nanny. But I prob would have had to
    Give my mom money anyway. She would expect it. And while it would be less, she would prob still complain behind our backs that it wasn't enough. Do whatever is going to keep the peace and maintain your sanity :)
    Me: 34 DH:38
    DS: 18 months   <3
    Dx DOR AMH .2
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  • jessrljessrl member
    My MIL wanted to watch our LO when I return to work and we had to politely decline even though it would have saved us a ton of money. I really don't think she realizes how much work it would be and would change her mind which would leave us with no childcare. Also, based on the way she acted with our wedding, acting like we owed her the world and she could make all the decisions because she was giving her help and money, I could only imagine how she would act being able to hold childcare over our heads. She likes to throw temper tantrums and I could see her getting upset with us and then leaving us in a bind. And as much as she clearly loves LO, I don't know if I could completely trust her spending all day for weeks with LO given her temper. DH was adopted when he was about 16 months old, so she doesn't have experience with infants, and DH and I wouldn't raise LO the way she raised him in many ways. 

    Long story short, for us it will be worth the money to pay for childcare. LO will be going to my church's daycare which makes me very happy (the only thing that would make me happier is if I stayed home). To appease MIL we told her that she can watch LO once a week if she would like. I kind of don't think this will happen though. She hasn't even changed a diaper yet. 


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  • jasminelukejasmineluke member
    Thanks for the feedback ladies. My mom can be very overbearing and push her way of doing things. My dad spoils the heck out of the baby ... Which is great and sweet but it gets to the point where it makes bad habits for the baby (I know everyone says you can't spoil a baby... But holding the baby in your lap for every single nap and bedtime will eventually not allow her to learn to sleep in the crib which is a goal of ours)
    In addition, she will forever hold it over our heads as leverage when she needs something or as grandmother guilt ....
    I think we will see how the holidays go and the next 6 months with visits and see how it goes ... We will probably do daycare though
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  • crbpjbcrbpjb member
    I'm in a somewhat similar situation. My husband will be able to be with our daughter 2ish days per week and MIL was going to take her for 2. But now that our daughter is here I am having second thoughts. I know we can't afford childcare, but MIL has already been so incredibly controlling and overbearing. She watches us like a hawk when we are around her and even makes comments about every tiny thing like the way the baby's arm is positioned while my husband is holding her. She also seems very uncomfortable with the fact that we give her pumped milk once in a while. She wants me to always go nurse, but that means leaving the Christmas party sometimes and I would rather stay and spend the time with family. Makes me wonder what she will do when she watches the baby...she's going to have to give her a bottle.
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  • Knottie1445378742Knottie1445378742 member
    That is definitely the trade off when a parent or in-law watches your children, but in my experience it has been well worth it. This is baby #4 and now that their "doing us a favor" has evolved into a 10 year "job" that entails sacrifice on their end, we pay them as we would any other provider (we didn't start this until #3). There are times when I complain about something (too much junk food or the kids not picking up after themselves) and my mom tells me "I'm also the Nana", which is frustrating, but I just tell myself that there are rules in a daycare that I might not agree with. If there were something fundamentally against our way of living, it would be a different story, but I am willing to compromise quite a bit for the benefits of this scenario. I love that the grandparents have such a vested interest in wanting my children to learn and excel (I know this is a trait shared by non-relative care givers too) and the bond/dynamic with the kids is absolutely priceless.
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  • jasminelukejasmineluke member
    Just to vent - today baby girl got her 2 month vaccines. And instead of being encouraging or helpful - she proceeds to tell me that baby height and weight percentiles are "garbage" and "bull****" and that I'm pumping my baby with too many medications. Baby has thrush all over her mouth and needs nystatin and she cries after each feed and in the middle of her feeds and has lost weight - she needs her reflux meds!! I said well I'm going to listen to my pediatrician and she goes "ok do whatever you want" ... Passive aggressive
    I just feel like I will lose my mind if I have them watch her....(who is to stay she doesn't give her meds also!)
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  • krntenkrnten member
    Yikes, it sounds like an unsustainable situation. If I were you'd id pay for childcare at least most of the time to remain in control. "Free" childcare almost always comes with strings, sadly.
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