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June 2016 Moms
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Hormonal and In Laws

knw007knw007 member
in June 2016 Moms
Hi everyone,

So I have been feeling really hormonal and down because of my In Laws. Now we havent told them yet and I actually dread telling them we are preggo even though now we are in the 2nd trimester. I really wish I was close to my in laws but ever since DH and I got engaged they chose to look at it as loosing a son and not gaining a daughter and have treated me accordingly. Its always a battle when I am around them or when they call because they make sure to let DH know he was there's first before he was my H. This has been going on for two years now and I am at my breaking point with it especially because his family has told his extended family untrue things such as I moved him 30 minutes away and I wont let them see him etc. We plan on telling them next weekend at the extended family holiday party but I am not sure I even want to see them happy or excited to be having their 1st grandchild. I honestly dont even want them to come to the hospital because if you treat me like crap why would I want you around our child to potentially talk bad about me or treat the child as something else that takes their son away. DH doesnt understand how I feel and sees how they treat me but doesnt want to get in the middle of it. I understand not wanting to get in the middle but when we lost our 1st child earlier this year his parents were saying how we for sure have to bring the baby over every day and they will be our babysitters. I would love to have free childcare if I trusted his parents but I dont.

Thank you all for listening. I just needed to get it out to someone who will listen.
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Re: Hormonal and In Laws

  • MsBeachNJMsBeachNJ member
    First let me say that I'm sorry you're dealing with that. It sounds like a stressful situation... the one thing I would say as a different outlook would be perhaps they will realize that YOU are the gatekeeper to their grandchild, so they will change their behavior towards you because they know that you can withhold their time with the baby... ? Just a thought... Fx that it goes very well for you and that they change their attitude! 
    TTM - EDD 4/23 - Team Green <3 
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  • meggymemeggyme member
    I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I agree with PP. if anything your H is no longer theirs. He's your husband and your children's father. If they want to be a part of YOUR family they're going to have to check their attitude.
    DD1: June '16 DD2: March ‘19 :::: Married since 2011 :::: USN Wife ::::
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  • crdocrdo member
    I am so sorry you're dealing with this. Their treatment of you is unacceptable, and it's a shame they continue this behavior. Like PPs said, hopefully they'll see that in order to have a healthy relationship (or any at all) with their grandchild they should treat you with respect, and as family. Their son is a grown man with his own family.

    Not to stir any type of pot, but has your DH tried to talk to them at all in the past, or have you ever tried to discuss this with them? Just a thought.

    When DH and I were dating, his mom (current MIL) would box me out of events out of fear I was taking away her son. After a frank discussion with her one day, I made it clear I wasn't trying to compete with her, but that I simply loved her son, too. Getting that out cleared the air, and helped immensely. I don't know if you think a discussion would be productive at this point or if you would even be willing, but it's just a thought.

    I hope your announcement goes well, and that they change their treatment of you soon.
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  • knw007knw007 member
    MsBeachNJmeggyme Thank you I am hoping the realize that just because its there grandchild does not automatically give them rights to see the child. I can decide that if their behavior doesnt change.

    crdo He has tried but he is very subtle about it. He has told them that he has his own family to take care of now and we will always come before them. He doesnt think he has to keep rehashing it with them so he really doesnt unless they say something really out of line that it is blatant and he has to.  I have had a sit down with his sister a few months back where she admitted they have treated me like I took them away and they have to compete with time for him. I havent talked to his mom because I know anything I say is going to be twisted into what she thinks I feel. We tried to have an open discussion with them early summer together and right after that his aunt called us over to talk about our relationship as a couple and with his parents and things I said to his mother were twisted and made to look like I am some evil witch. At this point we might have to go over there and instead of letting DH speak and I support I will have to speak up.
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  • crdocrdo member
    @knw007: Man, that's tough. Good for you and your DH for trying. It's really hard to deal with people that will just twist your words.

    I don't have any other personal experience or advice, othere than to say at some point, you just have to choose what's best for you and your growing family. If you think a talk will help, great. But if not, maybe you have to draw a line in the sand like "We would love for you to be involved grandparents, and for us all to have a good relationship. However, that's only possible if you treat us all with respect, realizing I am in no way trying to separate you from your son, since we are all family." Or something.
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  • Atlast111Atlast111 member
    edited December 2015
    crdo said:

    I am so sorry you're dealing with this. Their treatment of you is unacceptable, and it's a shame they continue this behavior. Like PPs said, hopefully they'll see that in order to have a healthy relationship (or any at all) with their grandchild they should treat you with respect, and as family. Their son is a grown man with his own family.

    Not to stir any type of pot, but has your DH tried to talk to them at all in the past, or have you ever tried to discuss this with them? Just a thought.

    When DH and I were dating, his mom (current MIL) would box me out of events out of fear I was taking away her son. After a frank discussion with her one day, I made it clear I wasn't trying to compete with her, but that I simply loved her son, too. Getting that out cleared the air, and helped immensely. I don't know if you think a discussion would be productive at this point or if you would even be willing, but it's just a thought.

    I hope your announcement goes well, and that they change their treatment of you soon.

    This is such good advice. Some times getting things out in the open is best. My MIL can be difficult sometimes but is very kind. I had an incident where she got offended and was cross with me. I invited her round for a chat and explained how much i loved her son and valued being a part of her family. I also stated my respect for them. It really helped. I would take a gentle but honest approach. Try and use the word "i" instead of "you" and it will come across as less confrontational. You can't carry on like that, it's so stressful for you.
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  • HBamama2BHBamama2B member
    I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. DH and I are in a very similar situation. I hope your announcement goes well, but in the end I hope either way you focus on you and your new family with your fiancé. This is such a wonderful moment and it's important that we know that even if our parents or in laws can't show their support now, they may have a better outlook when the grandchild arrives. Good luck!
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  • BoonhildeBoonhilde member
    Your husband IS in the middle of it though! There's no getting around that. If HE wants THEM in his and your baby's lives then HE needs to get HIS family to treat you better. HE can't expect you to welcome people into YOUR life who are rude to you.
    BabyFetus Ticker

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  • knw007knw007 member
    Thank you this is all great advice we will be sitting down with them in the next week. We need to get on the same page and have a relationship or nothing.
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  • SweetMamaJuneSweetMamaJune member
    This should NOT happen and I am so sorry OP! That said, DH's parents, DH needs to step in for you here, without a doubt!!! This is not a "choose me or them" kind of argument, this is a "I am not being treated with respect from your family, fix it" argument!! Maybe I'm hormonal, & coming on a bit strong...my own MIL also offered free childcare but keeps calling LO her baby which makes my newly forming mamabear claws poke out a bit...
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  • HBamama2BHBamama2B member
    edited December 2015
    @SweetMamaJune she's calling your LO what?! It's like naw, you had your baby and I had sex with him, that's why this is MY baby. Release the mamabear!

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  • poisonouspetalpoisonouspetal member
    She's not my in law yet but mine is terrible as well. She's hated me as soon as she found out her son and I was dating, even though we had been friends since high school.

    My SO sent her a photo of the ultrasound, clearly a baby because I was at 10 weeks and her reply... "for heavens sake."

    We have been fighting over how his family treats me for years and he finally has realized that she'll never change and its worth distancing ourselves from her. When he told her I would be included if she wanted to visit or see the baby, she made her choice. She never wants to see the grandbaby. Her first too.

    I'm not torn up about it. I'd rather have it this way than her trying to brain wash the poor little thing with her racism and hate but I know it bothers my SO.

    I've been trying this thought. Would you really want someone like that possibly influencing your baby? If you ever need to vent about in laws, please pm me, lol. I could go on all day. Congrats to you though, for being so strong and putting up with it for so long.
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