Weight loss (Possible eating disorder relapse!)

ashleyrobertson0113 · December 2015

Alright ladies, please bare with me as this requires a bit of background info...

I'm currently 14w5d and a FTM. I started my pregnancy overweight and due to severe morning sickness have lost 15 pounds.

My last Doctor appointment was a month ago and I finally caved and agreed to take zofran. I'm now able to keep food down (usually) but have zero appetite still.

Now here's the catch... Since I was 15 I've bounced back and forth between struggling with anorexia and severe binge eating. This last year I have had it pretty much under control and have been focusing on my health. I'm terrified that my lack of appetite and the nausea is all in my head and subconsciously I'm slipping back into my anorexic tendencies.

Either way, I'm so afraid that my apparent inability to force myself to eat even though I feel sick is going to hurt my baby. I'm so scared. And I don't really know what to do. I guess my point in all of this is that I could use some reassurance and support from other expecting moms.

mrsschmity · December 2015

I don't have any experience with eating disorders, so maybe someone else can offer some advice there. I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry you're experiencing this. Have you talked to your doctor or a counselor about your fears? I think that would be a great place to start. They can point you in the right direction and offer you some reassurance. Your biggest priority right now is keeping yourself and the little human growing inside you safe and healthy, so do what you need to do to get some help girl.

Either way, you've got support here if you need to talk about it!

Wyattnash00 · December 2015

I too don't have experience with an eating disorder but I'm pretty nuts about my body, and worked my butt off to finally be in the best shape before getting pregnant again. I'm sometimes too aware of what goes in my mouth. However, I know this is a blip in life, being pregnant, and growing a healthy baby is most important. I know you know this, but ur mind may be working against you. I would definitely recommend a therapist and/or nutritionist, and maybe get on an eating plan, so ur comfortable with how many calories you need each day? Just a thought. Always here to vent, love this group of ladies:)

goldie987 · December 2015

I second @mrsschmity, talk to your doctor or someone you've been working with on your food issues about your fears. It is totally normal to lose weight in the first trimester and to be nauseous and have a lack of appetite through 16-20 weeks (said my doctor). Do your best to get some healthy foods in and remember, its all for the baby.

Eta- I wasn't sure whether to add this but I think I will. I struggled with food issues in my teens and have noticed some of the odd behaviors I picked up then coming back as weight has come off due to nausea/lack of appetite. Being aware that they are there is a huge benefit because then you can do your best to stop them if you know they're there. If you start to have issues with the weight coming on as pregnancy progresses, just remember that a large portion (if you stay in the normal range) is the baby and its accessories (placenta, uterus growth, amniotic fluid, higher blood volume etc). While the ladies here are no replacement for a professional, sometimes just talking can help and everyone here can be really great and supportive.

NicknShan · December 2015

First of all - kudos to you for acknowledging this! It shows how great of a mama you are going to be, and how much love you already have for that baby.

Secondly, you said this, "This last year I have had it pretty much under control and have been focusing on my health." which means you have the tools and you can do it!!

It is normal to drop weight early on, and try to squeeze in healthy snacks as you can!! I also agree with @mrsschmity, and make sure and talk to someone.

If it helps, stay off the scale. And at appointments, step on the scale facing away from the numbers. Ask your OB not to talk to you about weight unless she is concerned, and you can talk to your OB about your concerns as well.

Hugs to you!

mkemommy · December 2015

I "second" or "third" the idea of talking to a counselor. I wouldn't say I've ever had an eating disorder but I did go through a period of time in college (about a year) where I under-ate and overexercised. I was so happy to be thin until I realized it was getting out of hand. Now, I'm just happy if I'm healthy. Would an eating plan or food diary be helpful? Not necessarily one where you write down everything you ate but one where you started the diary page each day with a healthy minimum calorie threshold you set with a nutritionist (along with a range that goes higher than that minimum) that you know you have to meet each day? As the day goes on you can subtract from that number and the goal at the end of the day is, at the bare minimum, to get to "zero" or at least a positive number. Just an idea (and I'm sure a counselor or nutritionist who specializes in eating disorders would have better ones) but psychologically it is sometimes easier to see numbers go down rather than counting all your calories or points "up" for the day.

mrsschmity · December 2015

NicknShan said:
If it helps, stay off the scale. And at appointments, step on the scale facing away from the numbers. Ask your OB not to talk to you about weight unless she is concerned, and you can talk to your OB about your concerns as well.

I second this. I don't even own a scale, and at every appointment I look away. I started off this pregnancy at a healthy weight, but sometimes just seeing the numbers go up can screw with your head. The number on the scale is irrelevent as long as you're healthy.

catherinekate · December 2015

I'm glad you're reaching out and are being proactive with your health. Seconding what everyone else has said: please mention this to your doctor or midwife. I have a close friend who experienced this and managed it with the help of support groups, a counsellor and her physician. There are lots of people who can help and there is zero shame in your feelings or experience. Hugs.

HighFive16 · December 2015

I don't have experience to offer any useful advice but I agree you are brave and proactive to acknowledge this, you can keep it under control like you have shown over the last year and definitely bring this up with your doctor.

We are all here for you so feel free to post any time you need to if you feel you are getting out of control. Hugs to you mama.

PBear93 · December 2015

I too have struggled with eating issues and have been seeing a nutritionist the last few years and I have found it to be very helpful. They are often covered by insurance, so it may be something to look into.
I don't own a scale anymore and I second @NicknShan with the idea of staying off the scale and not looking at it when you get on at your dr. And asking them not to discuss weight with you unless it is an issue.

MynaBird · December 2015

Much empathy here. I'm a recovering bulimic -- discharged from therapy five years ago, but it always stays with you, and I have gone through brief relapses a couple of times. I also have had severe morning sickness with both of my pregnancies, although it wasn't until this pregnancy that I was vomiting regularly. For me, every time I throw up (pregnant or not), I end up guilty and running through a mental inventory: Did I really need to puke? Could I have avoided it? Did I feel like I wanted to? What did I feel like before and after? What had I eaten? Did I feel guilty about it? Add in the emotional pressure of being responsible for a growing human being -- it's a lot to handle, and I totally feel for you.

PPs above have had great suggestions -- talk to your care provider, make sure they are aware of your history as well as what you're experiencing right now, and let them know what your triggers are (the suggestion of not discussing weight unless its an issue is a really good one). I also went on a mild antidepressant during my first pregnancy, and I may do the same later on in this pregnancy if I feel the need.

As for eating, now is the time more than ever to listen to your body (not your head!) and give it what it tells you it needs. So much of an eating disorder is that disconnect between what the head wants and what the body wants. You obviously want to do what's right for your baby, and right now that means paying attention to what your body needs and putting those needs first. I know morning sickness can make you feel like nothing sounds appetizing at all. I like to take a minute to sit and think about if there's anything that seems like something I could eat without feeling sick. The other night that meant I ate a raw turnip for dinner. Which, OK, is weird (and terribly close to the kind of weird dinner I would have eaten during one of my restricting phases), but! It didn't make me sick, and I got some fiber and nutrients.

You can do this! Don't be afraid to ask for help and support. I know how difficult it is, especially feeling out of control of your body, but you know you are taking care of someone besides yourself now, and that can help you put aside your own fears.

Atlast111 · December 2015

mkemommy said:
I "second" or "third" the idea of talking to a counselor. I wouldn't say I've ever had an eating disorder but I did go through a period of time in college (about a year) where I under-ate and overexercised. I was so happy to be thin until I realized it was getting out of hand. Now, I'm just happy if I'm healthy. Would an eating plan or food diary be helpful? Not necessarily one where you write down everything you ate but one where you started the diary page each day with a healthy minimum calorie threshold you set with a nutritionist (along with a range that goes higher than that minimum) that you know you have to meet each day? As the day goes on you can subtract from that number and the goal at the end of the day is, at the bare minimum, to get to "zero" or at least a positive number. Just an idea (and I'm sure a counselor or nutritionist who specializes in eating disorders would have better ones) but psychologically it is sometimes easier to see numbers go down rather than counting all your calories or points "up" for the day.

Its not that you are falling back into old habits its just ms and pregnancy makes everyone a disfunctional eater. As i mentioned on a previous post i lived off mac and cheese and mash when i was sick. You go into survival mode. This post above is a really good idea with counting down cals. I find just eating anything that appeals the best way to get my cals when I'm feeling sick or not hungry. Go for high calorie foods and carbs if you are struggling to eat and eat stuff you really love. It's more important to get the energy from the food than to eat healthily as the prenatal will cover vitamins required. Your baby just needs to gain a good amount of weight, my midwife said if you get your cals from donuts.....so be it. At least you don't have to eat many! I know this sounds like crazy advice but it gives the body the energy it needs. The other option is to drink nutrition shakes if your doc approves this.

ashleyrobertson0113 · December 2015

I just want to take a minute to thank all of you ladies who have responded. You have no idea how loved and supported you have made me feel and how much you have eased my anxiety. I have a doctor appointment Friday and definitely plan to talk to them about this. So again, thank you, thank you, thank you!

SMLmom · December 2015

I recovered from anorexia about 5 years ago but it haunts me. I know I have a distorted body image still and pregnancy brings a whole host of challenges with that.

The only silver lining I can share is that, because of my ED background, I'm very aware of meal planning and calorie intake etc. This really helped me out in my first pregnancy. I stuck rigidly to the number of extra calories I was supposed to consume.... in retrospect, I wish I'd relaxed a little but on the positive side, my obgyn was really impressed at my ideal weight gain, and this made perfectionist me very proud.

I suggest being open with your obgyn about your past and always stepping on the scale backward. Mine is a pro at being really neutral about the process.

I bet once you're through the horrible first trimester, you can resume a healthy lifestyle. I hope the same for myself. Best wishes.

gray51015 · December 2015

I don't have first hand experience either, but hugs to you. I'm glad you have a doctor's appointment soon, hopefully they will be able to reassure you and ease some of your anxiety!

adiaz132003 · December 2015

I have some experience with a family member who had it all her life. What helped was talking to someone on the regular and also having good distractions and hobbies. Another thing that can help is to plan out your meals so that you know you are getting enough. Good luck my dear.

arosemong · December 2015

Like others have said, it's great you're acknowledging this ❤️

I am a barre/yoga instructor so I am very very body conscious. As much as I'm excited to have a baby, the changes my body is going through is overwhelming to say the least. I have quite a few girlfriends with EDs & they have all found so much help in counseling. It's great to have a support system too & you def have that here! You will be a great mom. ❤️

UseTheTriforce94 · December 2015

I dealt with eating/body issues when I was younger so I totally feel you on this one. The best thing, like others have said (sorry to be the broken record!) good on you for acknowledging it and being strong enough to face it before it becomes any more severe. If you haven't already, I would mention it to your OB as well as use positive reinforcement to remind yourself that the weight you gain is for your baby to grow and be healthy. Sometimes the shift in perspective is everything. Good luck and I hope everything is ok with you!

Funkymooncow · December 2015

This is such a great thread and well done for posting in the first place - everyone here has been really supportive!
I have struggled with ED and it's something which can be very hard to talk about as others don't always understand. You'll be a fab mum because you're already addressing it now before it becomes a bigger problem

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