Feeling Guilty.....

Soon2befamilyof5 · December 2015

Please do not be judgeful or hateful, I'm just looking for a little comfort and support at the moment. Currently expecting our third and last child. We already have two amazing DS. We went in for our anatomy scan today at 19 weeks into the pregnancy. DH and I obviously wanted a Girl, as did our 2 boys. Ultrasound tech had a hard time getting ANY pics cause baby just kept moving around literally from one side of my belly to the other side. She said baby is a boy. I feel real bad for feeling bummed that ultrasound tech didn't say girl. Anyone else ever have a case of gender disappointment? I love this child regardless and know that the most important thing is that the baby is healthy, but it would've been nice to have a girl. Although i wonder how accurate the tech is considering the baby was constantly moving and it took the tech forever to get pics. Thinking about asking my OB next week to order another ultrasound to double check the gender since baby was so uncooperative. But I will include the pic and see if you all agree or disagree with the tech's guess at the gender.

kalanieileen · December 2015

A couple of things, congratulations on your third baby! Hope your pregnancy is happy and healthy from here on out. Sex disappointment is a very real thing, and it's nothing to be ashamed of. Many women (and or men) experience disappointment but it eventually goes away. Maybe picking out names or buying a cute outfit will help you come out of the funk. Sex disappointment doesn't make you any less of a mother.

That being said... Normally the women on this board (including myself) don't really care to see ultrasound pictures for the sole purpose of figuring out the sex. I'm not trained to tell ultrasound images.

Also, asking your OB for another ultrasound just to find the sex is moot. Ultrasounds take time and are costly, and should only be needed for medical necessities. Finding the sex of your baby isn't a medical necessity. Your best bet would be to pay for an elective ultrasound.. Orrrrr trust the tech.

These techs have been trained to do their jobs correctly. When I had my A/S my baby was so uncooperative and she had but a millisecond to snap pictures she needed to check the anatomy, but she still got the job done.

cMichelle0423 · December 2015

Soon2befamilyof5 said:
Please do not be judgeful or hateful, I'm just looking for a little comfort and support at the moment. Currently expecting our third and last child. We already have two amazing DS. We went in for our anatomy scan today at 19 weeks into the pregnancy. DH and I obviously wanted a Girl, as did our 2 boys. Ultrasound tech had a hard time getting ANY pics cause baby just kept moving around literally from one side of my belly to the other side. She said baby is a boy. I feel real bad for feeling bummed that ultrasound tech didn't say girl. Anyone else ever have a case of gender disappointment? I love this child regardless and know that the most important thing is that the baby is healthy, but it would've been nice to have a girl. Although i wonder how accurate the tech is considering the baby was constantly moving and it took the tech forever to get pics. Thinking about asking my OB next week to order another ultrasound to double check the gender since baby was so uncooperative. But I will include the pic and see if you all agree or disagree with the tech's guess at the gender.

I can't even with this one...

kyraaD · December 2015

please dont post photos of your baby's genitals. it's just.. odd. i would take your tech's opinion over untrained internet strangers'.

anyways, i can kinda understand how it would be a little disappointing. me & my SO were really hoping for a boy. but the closer we came to the a/s, the more the sex of baby went out the window, & all i could think about was if everything was okay. your baby is healthy & doing well i take it, since you didnt mention any problems coming up. i would focus on that above all else.

ecwk · December 2015

Yikes. If you have a pair of big girl panties nearby I suggest you put them on.
No one is going to want to guess your child's sex from an ultrasound. Last time I checked, an ultrasound tech is best qualified at that so why you would think anyone here would know better is beyond me.
I've also seen several so called "gender disappointment" threads here and they have never gone down well. In my opinion, this so called gender disappointment is offensive to women who struggle with or have struggled with infertility. It really rubs me the wrong way. It's not at all "obvious" to me that you and your family would want a girl.
If you want another scan, why not just pay out of pocket? OBs do not order scans specifically to find out the sex of a child.
Finally, you can't dictate how people respond here. You can't waltz in with a very divisive topic and demand support.
Just my 2 cents.

kalanieileen · December 2015

@ecwk i definitely see where you're coming from in regards to gender disappointment topics. I definitely don't mean to trivialize any woman who struggles with losses or infertility. I've never experienced that before so I can't say that I relate. But I would have to say that I do think sex disappointment is somewhat real, in the idea that maybe you leave an appointment being a little disappointed or sad or whatever emotion you may feel, but then you perk up because your baby is healthy. It definitely shouldn't be something that drags on day in and day out.

PrimRoseMama · December 2015

Looks like a boy.

I can understand some fleeting feelings, but honestly, I've never felt disappointment at all. I've had one of each & both are equal joys.

I've suffered a second trimester loss at 20 weeks. Got to the anatomy scan & baby was gone. This was before my two living children. So ever since then I was just happy to see a living child on the screen. Every anatomy scan has produced panick & nausea.

So I understand that you had a preference for sex. That's not a huge deal. I had the same prior to that experience. My priorities got a very real revamping & so I've never had negative emotions with regards to sex. I've had a very different "disappointment".

My preference has always been living & healthy. Everything else was secondary for me. That's not to invalidate your feelings. Just my perspective is totally different. So I can't really relate, but I can kind of see it.

ecwk · December 2015

kalanieileen said:
@ecwk i definitely see where you're coming from in regards to gender disappointment topics. I definitely don't mean to trivialize any woman who struggles with losses or infertility. I've never experienced that before so I can't say that I relate. But I would have to say that I do think sex disappointment is somewhat real, in the idea that maybe you leave an appointment being a little disappointed or sad or whatever emotion you may feel, but then you perk up because your baby is healthy. It definitely shouldn't be something that drags on day in and day out.

I too understand where you and others are coming from. I also understand some people view it is saying bye to a son or daughter that they may never have. OP seems more than a little torn up, going so far as to seek unqualified internet opinions on her ultrasound and seems almost in denial about what the tech said. That's why it bothers me.

edit spelling .

SarahFoley725 · December 2015

I was sympathizing with you right up until the point you asked us to tell you what we think based on the US picture. I think it's a boy but I'm sure you wanted to hear someone say no they're wrong it's a girl!

It is normal to be disappointed. I think it happens to most people BUT do you think ordering extra ultrasounds or asking a bunch of people on the Internet is going to change the sex of your child? Honestly you can be disappointed but you can't just live in denial hoping the baby actually turns out to be a girl.

kristib1027 · December 2015

STOP. THIS.

shelbibrooke82 · December 2015

I'm not going to criticize you for how you feel but please please DO NOT EVER tell your child that you were disappointed because you didn't get the gender you wanted!!

Jyoung327 · December 2015

Not sure why a 2nd ultrasound would be necessary........its an anatomy scan, not a sex scan- thats a bonus. If all the parts are working and in the right spot, that is excellent. I get wanting one over the other, but really, you will find out what you are having eventually. My opinion is probably biased because although I'm not team green, I am gender neutral and don't plan to buy everything pink or blue depending if my kid is a boy or girl....if that is why you want to find out, I can't see how a doctor/technician would agree and order you up another scan. That is unnecessary.

AmadorRose · December 2015

kalanieileen said:
A couple of things, congratulations on your third baby! Hope your pregnancy is happy and healthy from here on out. Sex disappointment is a very real thing, and it's nothing to be ashamed of. Many women (and or men) experience disappointment but it eventually goes away. Maybe picking out names or buying a cute outfit will help you come out of the funk. Sex disappointment doesn't make you any less of a mother.

That being said... Normally the women on this board (including myself) don't really care to see ultrasound pictures for the sole purpose of figuring out the sex. I'm not trained to tell ultrasound images.

Also, asking your OB for another ultrasound just to find the sex is moot. Ultrasounds take time and are costly, and should only be needed for medical necessities. Finding the sex of your baby isn't a medical necessity. Your best bet would be to pay for an elective ultrasound.. Orrrrr trust the tech.

These techs have been trained to do their jobs correctly. When I had my A/S my baby was so uncooperative and she had but a millisecond to snap pictures she needed to check the anatomy, but she still got the job done.

DrillSergeantCat · December 2015

When we went to my anatomy scan, I just knew it was a girl. I was worried that my fiance was going to be upset if it was a girl and he was worried that I was going to be upset if it was a boy. The tech asked if we wanted to know, we affirmed, and she shows us our son's penis. My response was, "(deep intake of breath) REALLY?" with a huge smile on my face. This isn't to say that I wouldn't still like to have a daughter, but I was just ecstatic that everything else was okay. I truly hope that you find your disappointment to be short-lived and quickly accept your new son.

saladflambe · December 2015

If you are unsure of your tech's determination, go to a boutique ultrasound place that exists specifically for this purpose and have them do another scan.

m8881 · December 2015

I have 2 boys and we all think this baby is a girl and we want a girl, so I know where you are coming from. Before I got pregnant I swore I just wanted a healthy baby and even slightly preferred a boy since it was what I knew. Something strange happened when I saw the plus sign on the test. I can't control how I feel and I hope I don't feel disappointed when we find out (in the coming weeks) if baby is a 3rd boy. It makes it worse that I had literally everything you could ever want for a boy child but gave away and sold it all last summer because we decided to be done, and then got pregnant unexpectedly. I dread the thought of having to re-buy boy stuff. Mainly the clothes because everything else can be neutral. So give yourself time to get used to it. Imagine that your 3rd boy could grow into something amazing. I joke that if ours turns out to be a boy and I get disappointed, in the end he will probably be the only one who still talks to me as an adult. You just never know what the future holds and I would just enjoy it.

kalanieileen · December 2015

@AmadorRose

sarahufl · December 2015

Soon2befamilyof5 said:

Please do not be judgeful or hateful, I'm just looking for a little comfort and support at the moment. Currently expecting our third and last child. We already have two amazing DS. We went in for our anatomy scan today at 19 weeks into the pregnancy. DH and I obviously wanted a Girl, as did our 2 boys. Ultrasound tech had a hard time getting ANY pics cause baby just kept moving around literally from one side of my belly to the other side. She said baby is a boy. I feel real bad for feeling bummed that ultrasound tech didn't say girl. Anyone else ever have a case of gender disappointment? I love this child regardless and know that the most important thing is that the baby is healthy, but it would've been nice to have a girl. Although i wonder how accurate the tech is considering the baby was constantly moving and it took the tech forever to get pics. Thinking about asking my OB next week to order another ultrasound to double check the gender since baby was so uncooperative. But I will include the pic and see if you all agree or disagree with the tech's guess at the gender.

I am confused by your use of "obviously wanted a girl"

Why is that obvious? It's ok to want one, but I wouldn't assume that it is "obvious" you would want a girl after 2 boys.

Also, nobody can read your ultrasound. But don't ask your OB for another because you are bummed you aren't getting your girl. That's not the point of an anatomy scan.

cmerribury · December 2015

The tech would not have said boy if they weren't pretty darned sure.

That said, I can (a teeny tiny bit) understand a modicum of gender disappointment, but I am in the same camp as @ecwk having had two losses as well. I think your best bet would be to come to terms with the sex of your child and realize that every child is a unique and precious gift. Your baby is healthy, I would try to be happy.

GinnyJ2012 · December 2015

As a mom of two boys and pregnant again I do understand a little of where you're coming from. A few things I thought of while reading your post
1. Baby looks like a boy, but I'm not a trained tech.
2. More than anything I want a healthy baby.
3. I am worried that my first reaction to finding out the sex will be disappointment. Not because I don't love my boys, because I do, but because of what j will never get to experience by hanging a girl.
4. I read this blog a while ago and it's pretty accurate to sum up some of my feelings if this baby is another boy.
https://www.scarymommy.com/what-breaks-my-heart-most-about-not-having-a-daughter/

DebraG421 · December 2015

Dear Mom of 3,

First of all, let me congratulate you on now having 3 healthy children! Maybe people think they are trying to set you straight, but I think when someone asks for support on how they feel, if you can't relate or are offended, it is probably best not to reply. They are right though in that internet strangers will not know better than your tech, so we cannot make you feel better by disagreeing with your tech but perhaps by not condemning your feelings. I'm sorry if any of the replies on here made you feel worse! This is supposed to be a judgement-free place of support and community, and now with busy city life and jobs and spread out families, we need that support from fellow women more than ever!

Let me break my perspective down for you for what it's worth:

1. NO, you are not a bad mom for being disappointed initially and it doesn't mean that you don't love your new baby

2. An initial reaction or feeling to something is out of your control and it's neither right nor wrong.

3. Realize that you need to focus on being grateful for what you have now that you know.

4. Volunteer or adopt if you want to have an experience with girls- those are the only types of things you can control- not a natural conception.

5. I second the member's advice about buying some cute boy things to get you excited about it and pick out a cute boy name. He'll be a little prince!

FYI... check out one of the episodes of "Everybody Loves Raymond" where his brother Robby finds out his birthday is wrong and that his mother used to dress him up as a girl when he was little because she had wanted a girl. The family reactions are priceless! It's fun to laugh at the extreme versions of something very real that you can relate to. (But of course, don't do that to your little boy!) ;-)

DrillSergeantCat · December 2015

@debrag421

1) No. This is not and never has been a "judgment-free place of support." It is a public Internet forum.

2) The vast majority of the responses OP got were not "condemning her feelings." Yes, there were a few, but for the most part the other ladies gave good advice that it appears you've chosen to ignore. In fact, the majority of the responses were very similar to your 3rd point.

3) Back to my first point, seeing as how this is a public Internet forum, you are going to get answers you might not agree with.

4) It's funny to me that your very first comment ever was to say how mean people are. Nice.

HuggaTree · December 2015

I have a bit of gender disappointment too and just admitting your feelings and being real with them is better than keeping them bottled up. We're only human after all. The thing that helps me, because trust me I've questioned my US hoping maybe the tech was wrong, is that whatever gender your baby is...it is. It won't change. You have to accept it being either gender at that point. Of course you'll love your baby regardless and at a certain point you'll just be glad it's healthy. My son was born 6 weeks early and had to stay in the NICU for 2 weeks...after he came out the fact that he was a boy never even crossed my mind. Now we're having another boy and at first it took a while to wrap my head around it. But focus on the positives...

A) baby and mommy are healthy

what boy wouldn't love to have a brother
C) less expensive if you saved everything the first time
D) mama's boys are real and the love and bond is amazing

It also helped to know there are ladies that have 4-5 of the same gender, and they've pushed through it.

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