How go convince family you actually don't want a shower?

goldie987 · December 2015

I'm probably not in the majority here but I have no desire whatsoever to have a baby shower, I was very uncomfortable being the center of attention at my bridal shower and have no desire to repeat the experience. My mom and I are very similar and she is totally on board with the no baby shower thing (she didn't allow anyone to throw one for her for similar reasons) but my MIL is upset that there will be no shower for her first grandbaby and keeps saying I'll regret it and asking how else am I going to get the stuff we need (uh, idk, we'll go buy it ourselves? Or is that not allowed? ). Any recommendations on how to politely tell her it isn't happening and head off her trying to throw one herself?

dufferoo · December 2015

Flatter, insist, deflect. "MIL, you have no idea how honored and grateful I am to have your support, but I am being 100% sincere when I tell you I really don't want a shower. Hubby and I are so excited to buy our own things for the baby, and I beg of you to respect our wishes. But in the meantime, maybe you would be kind enough to come shopping with me one of these days to help pick out lampshades for the nursery? You have such a good eye for that sort of thing!"

Bringmemylongswordho · December 2015

Everything @dufferoo said.

Also, make sure your H has your back and is telling MIL the same thing. She might be slightly more inclined to drop it if her son is adamant about no shower as well.

VOR · December 2015

I agree fully with both the previous posters.

one idea, though... how would you feel about a "meet the baby" party after the baby is born? These events are not about gifts so no gift opening and I would feel it's more of a co-ed thing so your DH would be there too. Would you be willing for her to host something like this? It might appease her.

My only concern, though, with her focus on gifts, is that she'd still want you to open the gifts that some people will still bring.

regardless if you consider this or not or just flat out don't want anything, make sure your DH is communicating with her on all these issues too. Hearing it from him might get her to back off.

[Deleted User] · December 2015

I think the term is "bean dip".

MIL says "Why aren't you having a shower? You'll regret it! blah blah blah!"

and because you've already patiently explained and shouldn't have to repeat yourself

You say "No thanks, have you tried this bean dip?"

Meaning just DON'T have this conversation with her anymore. If you need to be firm, be firm. If you need to just ignore, just ignore. It's entirely within your rights to pass on a shower. She needs to respect that decision and leave it alone.

midge519 · December 2015

My concern with your MIL is that no matter how hard you push you don't want one she seems dead set on you getting one so she may end up planning a surprise one so you can't really decline it. I'd hope your DH is on the same page as you and can shut down a surprise one she may plan but, personally, I'd be wary of one day suddenly being surprised with one.

I'm sorry you're going through this and I truly hope they respect your wishes

goldie987 · December 2015

Thanks for the suggestions ladies. DH at the very least is 100% aware of my objections to a shower and is okay with there not being one. My biggest concern is that we'll likely be in town for a holiday when I'm 7 months along and I can see her using that as an opportunity to do some sort of surprise thing which is why I want to make it 100% clear that it is not something I want at all.

PrimRoseMama · December 2015

dufferoo said:

Flatter, insist, deflect. "MIL, you have no idea how honored and grateful I am to have your support, but I am being 100% sincere when I tell you I really don't want a shower. Hubby and I are so excited to buy our own things for the baby, and I beg of you to respect our wishes. But in the meantime, maybe you would be kind enough to come shopping with me one of these days to help pick out lampshades for the nursery? You have such a good eye for that sort of thing!"

Oh all of this. Its hard when you have that family member that won't accept no. Good luck!

[Deleted User] · December 2015

Sgoldberg247 said:

Thanks for the suggestions ladies. DH at the very least is 100% aware of my objections to a shower and is okay with there not being one. My biggest concern is that we'll likely be in town for a holiday when I'm 7 months along and I can see her using that as an opportunity to do some sort of surprise thing which is why I want to make it 100% clear that it is not something I want at all.

Sounds like DH needs to give her a call and make her aware that something like that would be inappropriate. I'm a strong believer in "your family your responsibility, my family my responsibility" when it comes to stuff like that.

VOR · December 2015

Sgoldberg247 said:

DH at the very least is 100% aware of my objections to a shower and is okay with there not being one.

Has he communicated this to his mom? This SHOULD NOT BE YOUR BATTLE to deal with. He needs to be stepping up here and telling his mom "absolutely no shower".

neverblushed · December 2015

You've gotten great advice above. The only thing I would add is that you want to strike a balance between assertively standing up for yourself on this and gently respecting your MIL's right to mourn the fact that she's not going to get to participate in a Grandma-to-be tradition.

She's probably SO excited about this, especially if it's her first grandchild. She may have attended several baby showers for her friends' and relatives' daughters by now. At all of these, she has probably been looking forward to the day when her daughter in law would be the guest of honor and she would get to bask in the glow of her role as a proud grandma-to-be.

Her desire to have a shower for you is most likely a sincere expression of her joy and love. She's allowed to be disappointed and to express her disappointment, just like you're allowed to say "no" to a shower. If you can find some avenue other than a shower through which she can express her joy and love, she'll get over it faster.

In your situation I'd probably do exactly what Dufferoo and VOR suggested and re-route her towards some nursery furniture shopping and/or a "meet the baby" party.

goldie987 · December 2015

neverblushed said:
You've gotten great advice above. The only thing I would add is that you want to strike a balance between assertively standing up for yourself on this and gently respecting your MIL's right to mourn the fact that she's not going to get to participate in a Grandma-to-be tradition.

She's probably SO excited about this, especially if it's her first grandchild. She may have attended several baby showers for her friends' and relatives' daughters by now. At all of these, she has probably been looking forward to the day when her daughter in law would be the guest of honor and she would get to bask in the glow of her role as a proud grandma-to-be.

Her desire to have a shower for you is most likely a sincere expression of her joy and love. She's allowed to be disappointed and to express her disappointment, just like you're allowed to say "no" to a shower. If you can find some avenue other than a shower through which she can express her joy and love, she'll get over it faster.

In your situation I'd probably do exactly what Dufferoo and VOR suggested and re-route her towards some nursery furniture shopping and/or a "meet the baby" party.

I totally get that, my biggest worry is that she'll plan something anyways because she is so excited so I was looking for ways to make it 100% clear that, while I appreciate the excitement and thought it isn't something I am interested in doing. Our plans were to bring the baby up to visit family (they all live 4-6 hours away) around 2 months old and do a big meet the baby party then that I have no issues with her being all over, I just really have no desire to relive the center of attention-ness of a shower. In a meet the baby party the baby is the center of attention.

How go convince family you actually don't want a shower?

Re: How go convince family you actually don't want a shower?

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