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3rd Trimester
sanayeli
member
depressed and hopeless
sanayeli
member
Ok so my story is a little long and I will try to make sense as much as possible . I am 30 weeks pregnant with my first little girl . I have 2 sons 6 and 8. I'm living with my "fiancé" . My fiancé and I started living together too soon and well we got pregnant too soon as well. Before I got with him I worked a lot to provide for my children and was independent. I won't say sometimes I struggled with bills but I always got them paid. My kids had what they needed and wanted . I didn't have much time with them just because of my work schedule . I would take mood stablelizers and some other drugs (all prescribed). I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder (mild). Well anyways I would say that everything was fine with us apart from me having to take medication I think we were doing well. My fiancé and I met thru an online app. We hit it off well and eventually he met my kids and they liked him. He was currently working on getting his business started back up . He knew I hated not having as much time as I wanted with my kids . He was needing someone to help him with the paperwork and accounting for his business . Well he offered me a job which I kindly refused and thru time he insisted and everything seemed to make sense to me to take it. So I quit my job and started working from home. Everything was good I had more time for my kids and I spoke to my fiancé almost all day . He wasn't around because he is truck driver so he would be on the road and I would handle the paperwork at home. We decided to take it to the next step and move in together . It made sense since I was working with him and whenever he would be home he would be with me. We got a place and started making it our home . Everything was going great. I hadn't taken my pills and felt that maybe I had won my battle with my disorder. Time goes by and I start feeling depressed . It was getting harder to be a stay at home mom when I've worked all my life . I started pushing him away and being distant . I didn't want to feel that way but I just couldn't deal with being at home. I know that going from working a52 a hour a week job to being a stay home mom affected me but also not taking my medication affected me. This affected our relationship and we were on the verge of breaking up . It also didn't help that I responded to a message from my ex and started talking to him. Not in a relationship way but as friends . Even if my intentions weren't to pursue a relations with my ex it was still wrong of me to talk to him . My fiancé found out and well we were going to break up . We talked it and I apologized and promised I wouldn't do anything stupid like that again. I know I lost his trust there. With him being out of town for work he felt that I physically cheated on him which I didn't . I was always on the phone with him and tried to let him know that there was no way I would/could have cheated on him . A month later I found out I was pregnant . I didn't get the reaction I expected obviously because of what had happened. Which I understood. Thru the first months of pregnancy it was hell . Not only me feeling physically sick and not being able to leave the house but he started having trouble with his business . It was stressful for him and me. I felt like I was dying thru the pregnancy and having to deal with financial issues was just a lot. After the first 5 months I felt better . His business still wasn't doing well but we were holding on to it. I know he was stressed and I tried to help however I could but there wasn't much I could do . Around the 5 month of pregnancy he just became distant and was really mean to me. He didn't really care about the pregnancy and was just not thoughtful. He made me feel like I was disgusting to him because of the pregnancy. Well I found out he was on a dating app . I confronted him and told him to leave . He said he hadn't done anything but how was I suppose to know. He tried to throw in my face about what happened with the ex thing but no matter what I told him that didn't justify what he did . That it didn't make it right. I understood I messed up but if we were going to go back and forth and payback each other for stuff we did then that was not a relationship and not healthy. I also told him that hurt me a lot because I was pregnant . I "forgave " him . The reason why was because I told myself I'm pregnant. If I leave I can't get a job, I have no money and no place to live. I couldn't put my kids thru that. Up until now we fight constantly . He is not considerate and has made me feel so disgusting. He has refused to have sex with me. He says he's just not in the mood. With all the things he says to me and the way he treats me i don't really feel happy about my pregnancy . Now we are having major financial problems. There's nothing I can really do since no one will hire me. I know there's a law about discriminating but really who would say that's reason they won't hire you. With all that has happened I feel
Hopeless . I tell myself it's my fault for getting with him it's my fault for quitting my job it's my fault for getting pregnant . Sometimes I feel so helpless where I can only think about one way out. I know I won't do it I have my kids to think about . I can't get back on medication because I don't want anything to happen to my baby . I can't really talk to anyone one about it because they just wouldn't understand. What I wrote is nothing to what I'm going thru but it was the best way I could sum it up . I could go to therapy but I just don't feel like it would do any good because my BPD is a chemical imbalance. I just sometimes feel so hopeless and I wonder if anyone else feels like that . Maybe knowing I'm not the only one would make me feel a little better . Like if I'm not alone. Idk what the point of my post really is maybe I just needed to vent . Thank you
Hopeless . I tell myself it's my fault for getting with him it's my fault for quitting my job it's my fault for getting pregnant . Sometimes I feel so helpless where I can only think about one way out. I know I won't do it I have my kids to think about . I can't get back on medication because I don't want anything to happen to my baby . I can't really talk to anyone one about it because they just wouldn't understand. What I wrote is nothing to what I'm going thru but it was the best way I could sum it up . I could go to therapy but I just don't feel like it would do any good because my BPD is a chemical imbalance. I just sometimes feel so hopeless and I wonder if anyone else feels like that . Maybe knowing I'm not the only one would make me feel a little better . Like if I'm not alone. Idk what the point of my post really is maybe I just needed to vent . Thank you
Re: depressed and hopeless
If you want to leave him, there are resources available at women shelters and churches for you and your children. If you want to go back to work, you can try to find a job. The worst they can say is no, which is what you already expect so not the biggest let down, right?
I am sorry that you're going through all of this and that he's treating you this way. Just to be clear nothing is "your" fault. You made all of those decisions together as a couple and he is just as much at fault for the negative state of things.
Thank you
I'm not a fan of forgiving someone that hurts you as retaliation but if you're set on working it out with him, you both need to go to counseling. Honestly, the way he's treating you is not ok. He alone is responsible for his own actions. IMO because you're pregnant is not a good reason to forgive him. As pp noted, find help. Talk to a counselor and they can help you find the necessary resources.
You mentioned earlier in your post that you were feeling better and thought you didn't need the meds anymore, which tells me that's probably the end goal- to get to a point where you're able to get along without them. So why not go to therapy? At the very least, a professional of some sort needs to know that you abruptly stopped taking treatment so they can help you create a plan- that may involve a small dose for awhile combined with therapy, or just therapy. Please take the time now to invest in your mental health. It won't get any easier after the baby arrives, and it will be the best possible thing you can do for your family
I would definitely get yourself to a therapist- see if your OB can recommend a group that may have a psychiatrist and a psychologist in the same place. That's what I have and it really helps to have the two have a close relationship. My psychologist helped me at different times to sort through the emotional things that are going on to determine if medication is needed at the time. They support me when I try to come off but I inevitably always wind up back on it- clinical depression runs in my family. I was in a good place prior to pregnancy so they suggested I come off and see how I coped. Things have been going really well for me so I am off them now, but I don't have BPD which I know is a different animal than clinical depression.
All along my doctors told me that if I felt myself getting depressed that I should call them. My primary, my OB, my psychologist and my psychiatrist ALL agreed that there are many circumstances that the risk of medicine far outweighs the negatives of suffering with mental health issues. They aren't going to give you something that isn't safe without having a very in-depth conversation and trying many other options.
From what you said it sounds like you took yourself off your medication which may be why they didn't help you develop a plan for "relapse". I know that's not the right word, but depending on how hard I crashed back into my depression it felt appropriate sometimes.
Sorry this got rambling, but all the other stuff that's going on is incredibly legitimate but in my personal opinion secondary to your mental health situation.
*Kate*
February 2016
Once you have the baby, see about getting your old job back. It would probably help you psychologically to be able to focus on your old life again. Your two sons should come first over any man, so let the guy who's interested in other women go. If he's planning to find someone else, sticking around won't make it easy. Also, not sure how you feel about birth control, but if you're done having kids, you may wanna look into something more permanent so you don't end up accidentally knocked up again.
Either way, figure out how to leave his place without displacing your kids. See if there's a local shelter or if any friends or family can help you out. I've had numerous friends stay with me over the years when they were in need of a short-term place. Talk to a doctor about medication and therapy for your Bi-polar. Pregnancy hormones amplify all kinds of mental illnesses and a new baby with financial issues is only going to exacerbate the problem.
Good luck and I hope you start to feel better soon. Try to avoid stress as much as possible for your growing baby. They carry that with them into adulthood and you don't need to be worried all time or else it will make the pregnancy tougher.
Once again thank you for the support ladies. I am doing much better.