Getting Hubby On Board -Help?

MrsHudson2014 · December 2015

Alright, so my Husband and I made the decision to start TTC about a month ago. 1 cycle in, BFN, no problem.

Here's my issue: He is NOT on board with tracking cycle/intercourse. He actually laughed at me when I told him what my expected fertile days were when he discovered I was using an App to help us out.

Anyone have any experience in getting hubby's on board with the idea of planned sex?

bsckgb7 · December 2015

Then keep your mouth shut. Initiate sex when it's time. Lots of ladies don't discuss with hubs and it can give them performance anxiety.

FiancB · December 2015

My H thought it was weird as well. I kept the tracking to myself and initiated when needed, as well as when it wasn't. I never waved an OPK in his face for foreplay. Don't make him feel like a sperm bank.

LittleMissTimeLord · December 2015

I think the key here is "getting hubby on board with planned sex." He may just not be a fan of that aspect of it so I agree with PP that you keep doing you girl and you get it in with him when you know it's crucial.

If you want to get him on board with the whole idea of it, of the tracking and the testing etc., more as a support rather than someone who knows exactly what's happening every single day, I suggest sharing stats with him. I think a lot of people, men especially, think it's super easy to get pregnant. You have some unprotected sex, you bang it out, boom, insta-family! Perhaps if he knew that the egg is only viable for 12-36 hours every cycle, he might understand why all of the tracking and the testing matters.

I don't have the same experience. My husband was unsure of it at first but understood my own need to understand what's going on in my own body. And he loves that I know exactly when we need to test and when AF is coming. He was supportive but didn't ask much about it during the first cycle, probably assuming the whole getting pregnant thing was easy. After that first cycle with no BFP, he got on board a lot more, realizing how these tools help. And he also likes knowing approximately (not exactly) when my fertile window is so he knows what nights he needs to plan to stay up late (he works late).

And the next time he laughs at you, tell him it's your body and you can do what you want. Then drop the mic and walk out.

*edited for the English language*

iceandsnowflakes29 · December 2015

I can't help in this department. H has come home on lunch breaks if it's that's time. He's very involved in the schedule, we have a history of having a hard time getting pregnant and I only have one fallopian tube.

I agree with not telling your H or maybe put it in a better perspective - better timed intercourse in the privacy of your home than him masterbating into a cup at a doctor's office to VHS porn.

MamaMunn · December 2015

Some guys just aren't interested in every little detail of TTC. At first, my husband didn't want me to share any of that information with him. He was worried about letting me down if he knew it was really important to "perform" on certain occasions. I just initiate sex when I need to and everything works out. He does check in with me from time to time and ask how we are doing, but other than that I don't share much with him.

MissAmeliaPond · December 2015

You could watch The Great Sperm Race (all 6 parts are on YouTube). It illustrates how truly difficult it is even for sperm to meet egg. And even if they do meet, there's no guarantee implantation will take place. But watching TGSR is a great place to start. My DH does not get performance anxiety or feel like a sperm bank, but everyone is different. It might help to watch the documentary.

khbear117 · December 2015

I think it's totally fine to track and just pounce him. He will enjoy it more because all it is is sex, not his only chance to give you a child this month. That's a lot of pressure to perform under. My hubs knows I'm doing something because I'm taking a temp every morning, but his only knowledge of my cycle is when AF is visiting. Works for us.

Lulucooks · December 2015

For the first 12 months I didn't share much at all, just initiated when I thought it'd be a good time (wasn't tracking besides the occasional OPK ). After 12 months I sat down and had a heart to heart, we gave it a year "NTNP" his way, now we do it my way. I asked when would be a good time to tell him and how so that it wasn't brought up at the wrong time or in an off putting way. He's better if I tell him a few days before my predicted FW, that things need to start happening then if I tell him as we are heading to bed.

MonaLisaRalphio · December 2015

@ntweed, I feel for you so hard. I agree with PP that "planned" sex doesn't have to be planned on your husband's part - you can easily just jump him when you know the time is right.

What I'm wondering more about is whether you will feel isolated by his disinterest. It kind of worries me that he laughed at you for having a charting app. I'm hoping he just laughed because he felt a little uncomfortable finding that out. I just know a few guys who have been kind of dismissive and even mean about this stuff. Are you going to have to "hide" your charting from him, now that you know he thinks it's silly? If he's going to beat his chest and pull the tough-guy caveman me-no-need-app routine, you might need to tell him to sit the F down.

Anyway, I hope I'm just wringing my hands over nothing. In case you need to hear it: there's nothing wrong with charting using an app (helloooooo, look around!). If your husband isn't interested in talking about TTC stuff, stick around here and talk it out with us instead!

g8rmama_16 · December 2015

At first I only let DH know about 10% of what I was doing in the TTC realm. I slowly let him in to things I was learning and reading, so he wasn't overwhelmed. He has really started to get interested and has started to ask a lot of questions. Last month he got so nervous in the last few mornings of my TWW, hoping my temps would stay up. It was adorable.

I think he is starting to get a bit guilty that I am doing so much and he just gets to show up for the fun stuff. He has asked what foods he should be eating and listens when I talk about new things I have read. He also doesn't question all the time I spend on this site and randomly googling things or all the books and stuff I have coming from Amazon daily.

Only a few times has he given me the "You only want me for my sperm" line and that doesn't last long because HIO.

Moral of the story, ease him in to the crazy and maybe he will start to be interested in the process.

[Deleted User] · December 2015

My DH knows I temp and chart, and since we are benched right now I let him know when we have to use condoms or not, but when we start TTC I don't plan on saying anything specific to him unless he asks. I don't think he would have a problem physically speaking, but I'm going to guess that if he doesn't ask he probably doesn't want to know. He watched The Great Sperm Race with me so he knows what we're up against.

_darth · December 2015

I simply sat DH down and explained the need for scheduling like a technical manual would. It was all very clinical. He had some misconceptions and gaps that needed to be corrected, but understanding the importance of timing really got him on board. I think this is something that needs to be approached directly, even though it may be a bit of an uncomfortable conversation. When both parties involved have all the information, it is a lot easier to decide how to approach sex for conception.

Also, it's good to keep in mind that trying to conceive does change the sexual dynamic for a lot of couples. For us, discussing issues surrounding potential performance anxiety and/or sexual spontaneity ahead of time was really helpful. We set clear expectations and outlined some courses of action in case things do got frustrating.

ArtlessIbex · December 2015

DarthFuriosa said:
I simply sat DH down and explained the need for scheduling like a technical manual would. It was all very clinical. He had some misconceptions and gaps that needed to be corrected, but understanding the importance of timing really got him on board. I think this is something that needs to be approached directly, even though it may be a bit of an uncomfortable conversation. When both parties involved have all the information, it is a lot easier to decide how to approach sex for conception.

Also, it's good to keep in mind that trying to conceive does change the sexual dynamic for a lot of couples. For us, discussing issues surrounding potential performance anxiety and/or sexual spontaneity ahead of time was really helpful. We set clear expectations and outlined some courses of action in case things do got frustrating.

^^ Yes to all of this. While I didn't put a lot of pressure on DH, we definitely had a discussion that centered around the basics and why we couldn't just have unprotected sex a couple times and expect to get knocked up. I too approached it like a technical meeting, outlining the general way the female body works and what I was hoping to accomplish by charting.
That said, every guy is different, so if it makes him feel super duper pressured then it's counter productive. But he should still respect your right to educate yourself about your cycle.

izza2 · December 2015

You got a lot of great responses, so I won't repeat anything. But I'm curious to know if he may feel like he'll be judged based on how often you have sex? I know when hubby and I first started TTC, even though we were fairly active, he still had moments where he would feel like I was saying we weren't having enough sex if I brought up how many days in the FW we HIO. That puts anxiety and a lot of worry on his shoulders.

beachbunnyxo123 · December 2015

I agree I think a lot of good feedback was provided. I guess it just depends on what your intention is whether it be to get him on board, accept that he is here he's at, or just getting the job done. Good luck!

Lecool · December 2015

My DH is also not 100% on the charting/temping/app train. He still hasn't really grasped the idea that TTC is more than just HIO. I've just been doing my thing, answering his questions when he asks, and slowly talking about it bit by bit to introduce it to him in smaller chunks so it's easier to digest and not so overwhelming. He's starting to get it. I also recommend the Great Sperm Race. I've seen it, and am wanting to show it to DH. It really explains what a freaking miracle conception is in a way that is really easy to understand - and it makes the effort of temping and charting totally make sense.

Good luck!

BostonBaby1 · December 2015

***lurking*** I agree to not say anything if he isn't on board.

My DH looks at it differently. He thinks FF is like a game and enjoys hearing his stats. But we try to stay as active as possible throughout the cycle so there isn't such pressure in the FW. Every couple is different though. We don't have kids yet and are pretty much on the same schedule so that makes a huge difference for us.

onefootinthebayou · December 2015

Like @DarthFuriosa we discussed the basics. TBH, I don't even want to know this shit, let alone him. It ruined sex for me at first b/c I don't like to be pressured by the timing. If you are feeling resistance, don't push it. Not everyone is interested in the mechanics of this process (and I say that not only as a woman but as a scientist. Obviously not a reproductive scientist but still. You'd think I'd be less put off by all this but I'm not). Hopefully you'll find your rythm w/o having to both live and die by the chart and timing.

Eta - charting/temping is your best shot at accuracy but you don't both have to do it. Unfortunately, the burden falls on us to take the temps and keep track of them although I've seen that some posters are calmed by it and enjoy the ritual.

[Deleted User] · December 2015

I dunno about you gorgeous ladies but this post has put me in the mood to watch The Great Sperm Race... for the third time.

Anyone else here watch it multiple times? So good. So hilarious. So much science. So much bad acting.

Edit: So here I am drunk on mulled wine, watching TGSP and suddenly I've decided there needs to be a live action documentary just like TGSP only based off TCOYF.

PrimRoseMama · December 2015

I'd just keep it to myself & then jump him when I felt like it.

MissAmeliaPond · December 2015

@antoto I've seen it twice, but I've been thinking about watching it again. DH goes out of town this Wed-Fri (and he hates rewatching anything), so I might watch TGSR while he's gone!

sammajane19 · December 2015

UM yes, I've watched TGSR at least three times, and once made my husband (who's an actor) watch it. He was much amused. Love the bad acting!

simcal18 · December 2015

I'm sorry that you're having trouble with this OP. I think introducing it in pieces may help. I also think keeping it really simple at first may help--just general stuff like "there are only a few days when a woman is fertile each month, and I will be monitoring myself for signs of fertility, and it's important that we have sex during that window if we want to conceive." Details can come in later if he notices you temping, you want to discuss a certain symptom/timing, or things like that. I'd also initiate sex throughout the month and not specifically call out when it's baby-making sex time unless it's necessary.

Frankly, I don't agree with the "keep your mouth shut" school of thought. The burden is already on the woman to temp, track CM/CP, OPK's possibly, use all of that information to determine her fertile window, and then initiate baby-making sex. And this is all before pregnancy even starts. Why should the burden be exclusively on the woman to not only do all of this, but to spare the man the stress of TTC as well? Nope. Nope nope nope nope nope. Not for me.

rkstro2 · December 2015

OP there are a ton of great suggestions here. I think the best thing you can do is try to approach you SO and use the suggestions above as tailored for him. You know him best and his learning style/interest level/performance anxiety or whatever. For us I didn't start out talking about fertile window and all that from the beginning. We started out just using Frequent timing and dreaming about our possibly future kids and he thought that was fun. As the months have pressed onward he has become more and more interested in the physiology of TTC and now knows there are only a few days we can actually end up KU and he his very interested and asks all kinds of questions.

PrettyPalomino · December 2015

When I started with the BBT I would get up and do it in the bathroom because I didn't want him to know, but after the ugliest most unreliable chart, I decided to tell him he's going to hear a beep in the morning and not to be alarmed haha. We are both light sleepers so he does hear it but now it's turned into a bit of a gimmick and he asks me "how's your temp today?" half jokingly and half curious, it's actually so cute.

He was put off by all of it at first, I also slowly introduced new concepts over a few weeks. I keep him in the loop about everything EXCEPT THE FERTILE WINDOW. I'll tell him after the fact if we got it right but I don't want to put that pressure on him, even though he doesn't seem to be affected. Sometimes he asks, which is also cute.

Adcrabtree · December 2015

We tried the whole planned sex thing my husband is fine with it. It was actually me that was weirded out by it. Ugh ttc is stressful everyone said it's the fun part. -_-

onefootinthebayou · December 2015

rkstro2 said:
OP there are a ton of great suggestions here. I think the best thing you can do is try to approach you SO and use the suggestions above as tailored for him. You know him best and his learning style/interest level/performance anxiety or whatever. For us I didn't start out talking about fertile window and all that from the beginning. We started out just using Frequent timing and dreaming about our possibly future kids and he thought that was fun. As the months have pressed onward he has become more and more interested in the physiology of TTC and now knows there are only a few days we can actually end up KU and he his very interested and asks all kinds of questions.

I'm squarely in the keep it to yourself school of thought (clearly this is personal choice and not my recommendation) but I finally made the mistake of explaining the "fertile window" (which I don't even like b/c I'm averse to this whole process for some unknown reason) to H and was promptly treated to several choruses of a song to the tune of "The Never Ending Story" about the fertile window. We are children.

skilouise · December 2015

I've explained the basics to DH. He understands that there are only a few days a month where we can get KU, and that my tracking temps and other signs helps identify those days. He has been sweet, and will ask about my temps even when he doesn't fully understand it all.

However, I have zero intention of explaining CM to him. Ever. Gotta keep some mystery alive.

MrsHudson2014 · December 2015

simcal18 said:

Frankly, I don't agree with the "keep your mouth shut" school of thought. The burden is already on the woman to temp, track CM/CP, OPK's possibly, use all of that information to determine her fertile window, and then initiate baby-making sex. And this is all before pregnancy even starts. Why should the burden be exclusively on the woman to not only do all of this, but to spare the man the stress of TTC as well? Nope. Nope nope nope nope nope. Not for me.

Thank you for this, and to everyone else! I have never, and will never, be a keep my mouth shut kind of girl. My DH and I have always had a very open line of communication in all things, so his reaction to this was surprising.

I will take a bit of advice from each of you, and slowly introduce it in a different way.

l9i · December 2015

I also introduced DH to the whole tracking process in bits. I started at first with temping so he knew about that. For the first two months we weren't TTC so it was more just to learn more about my body and when AF would come after getting off BC. Eventually he asked about the temperatures and was curious to the point in which I explained. He's a science geek and I think he found it fascinating how much you could gather from subtle temperature differences. This month and last we have been TTC. He occasionally asks about my temperature and where it's at (if it's going up or down). He knows the generally flow of the cycle in that the early part is the best to TTC, but doesn't know exactly when.

MNturnsVA · December 2015

I'm not somebody who needs a lot of sex in my life but that has been a source of conflict for us anyways. Because I knew we were going to be TTC around the time of our biggest argument about sex, I made a decision to up my game so that when we got to TTC, he didn't feel "used".

When we got to the TTC, I had mentioned a few things I had learned on here about the facts of how it works. I don't think he knew I was temping until about our 3-4 month into it? And I really don't know how he found out? I think I brought it up. He knew I was using OPKS though because I had some sitting out a couple different times and he was seeing all the boxes they came in. But I still don't think he knows what they are for specifically.

For me, its helpful to pinpoint our FW so I don't feel like we HAVE to have sex EOD from CD 10 to CD 25 because I wouldn't last that long anyways. Now, that can bite you in the butt too if you aren't adding in an extra day or 2 on either end just to cover your self in case you O early or late.....

I think the best approach for the beginning is on a need to know basis. Dropping little tid bits like "wow, I had no idea what the chances were and there is a window of time when it can happen" and progress as you get further on the journey.

now that we are on month 8 of TTC, he's paying a lot more attention than he did in the past because he thought it was just going to happen. So there's that.

jamaicanqt · December 2015

ntweed said:

Alright, so my Husband and I made the decision to start TTC about a month ago. 1 cycle in, BFN, no problem. Here's my issue: He is NOT on board with tracking cycle/intercourse. He actually laughed at me when I told him what my expected fertile days were when he discovered I was using an App to help us out. Anyone have any experience in getting hubby's on board with the idea of planned sex?

Thank you so much for posting this! My DH is the same way. He hates the "planning" aspect of it all so like many of the other posters have stated, we just gotta take charge when WE know its time. He says I can get obsessive at times and this is my current obsession. He is very protective and is concerned about me getting my hopes up and then nothing happens. So I understand where he's coming from but I don't really have anyone to talk to about this stuff, except for you all. Thank goodness for you all!

And I haven't seen the TGSR video everyone keeps referring to so I'll probably check it out this weekend (and maybe convince DH to watch with me).

MrsHudson2014 · December 2015

ashbear720 said:
You could watch The Great Sperm Race (all 6 parts are on YouTube). It illustrates how truly difficult it is even for sperm to meet egg. And even if they do meet, there's no guarantee implantation will take place. But watching TGSR is a great place to start. My DH does not get performance anxiety or feel like a sperm bank, but everyone is different. It might help to watch the documentary.

@ashbear720 I have not seen this, but will definitely look into it!

PennStateCait · December 2015

MH is fascinated by temping so he's cool with me telling him my temps and how they help me understand my body but he wasn't all about the scheduling sex part. I agree with @ashbear720 about The Great Sperm Race and it was really educational for both of us. I just turned it on one night and we watched all 6 parts. It's really interesting and presented in such a great way. It really helps you understand the importance of timing.

After our first BFN last cycle after our first month TTC, MH is all about knowing when I'm ovulating and asking lots of questions. It's cute

I guess it just takes men a little while to realize it's (usually) not as easy as just having unprotected sex.

Now... CM specifics... I'll just keep that to myself. There is definitely a line.

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