6th BFN - exhausted

tvh1982 · December 2015

Hi!
I'm exhausted! I'm pissed off! I have the sads! I'm annoyed! I've lost the energy to keep going!
But I'm not ready to give up!
Seems everyone gets pregnant, and because apparently they all go through the same as me ( yes, the oops I'm pregnants, the we thought we would try and voilas, the another one would be nice people) need to share there wonderful news with me.
While I sit and listen, pretend to be exited, trying to explain that I really don't know how it is to be pregnant, as I've never been, and meanwhile cramp away as I feel, yet again, that my attempt of getting pregnant wasn't a success!
I've had 5 IUI, 2 of those with hormones, as they found out after the 3rd time I have PCOS.
Now I had my first IVF, over stimulated, lots of pain and 16 eggs. 13 got fertilised and 12 made it to day 3. As my body needed more rest, we waited til day 5.
8 eggs made it, and one was ready to burst, so that one got placed back.
I have wonderful eggs, incredible results of tests, yet I'm bleeding away and no positive test.
How do you get through this.
And why does it have to hurt?
Can't I just have someone that knocks on my door with flowers and chocolate and says 'sorry lov, we'll try next month'
Nope...my bathroom looks like a crime scene and my uterus is having a tantrum (sorry for the details!)
I'm done, tired and want to take a winter nap and wake up pregnant!

2legbaby · December 2015

So sorry @tvh1982....I don't think anyone who hasn't been through this can understand the mental and emotional exhaustion that comes with this rough path we have to take. It sounds like you are not ready to give up yet and you have more frozen embies to work with so take a break and regroup and try again when you (and your body!) are ready. Best of luck to you!

HBamama2B · December 2015

Knock knock. I wasn't sure what you like, so here are some orchids (a Chinese symbol for many children), and some chocolates to choose from. I'm so sorry this cycle did not work out. Those of us here hear and understand completely the many emotions and the struggle with exhaustion and loss you are going through each cycle. I hope your winter brings new hope and a BFP for you before it's over.

Piperella · December 2015

I can't say it any better than @HBamama2B did. I'm sorry you're so tired, but I'm glad you're not ready to give up either! In addition to the flowers and chocolates, I'd like to send you some happy man maids.

vssbrm · December 2015

Ugh, I am so sorry, I feel you. We just did our 4th IUI, which my H had to talk me into. After more than three years of actively trying, not one BFP, I just can't any more. But I am also not ready to give up, and terrified of IVF. I hope that you get your BFP soon, we are all stronger than we give our selves credit for!!

tvh1982 · December 2015

@2legbaby, @HBamama2B, @Piperella and @vssbrm you all rock!
Thank you for the cheer me ups, the flowers, chocolates and man maids

It's been a tough ride so far, and I think this time was the worst as I got home the ultrasound picture with my tiny little dot. It was the first time I seen it, and the first time I knew that it made it that far to be a tiny little dot!
I spoke with the clinic and they are ready for me when I am.
Due to Christmas, me living in a different country as my family, and getting treated in yet another country, I'll wait til January.
Hope 2016 will give us ladies those babies we so deserve!
Thank you again for being so wonderful on this site. It makes my journey a little bit easier

mskeenan · December 2015

Oh honey I am so so sorry ! I would give you a big hug and a big plate of cookies if I were there . I know the repeated disappointment that weighs on you month after month of failed attempts. It just plain sucks !!!

On the bright side (I always try to remind myself of the bright side after I have my cry fest )- you had a wonderful response to the meds ! I know Did you freeze the remaining 7 embryos ? If you plan on doing a frozen transfer that may increase your odds I would think next time - especially if you overstimulated during your last cycle .

Sending love and hugs your way !!!

oxinfree · December 2015

@tvh1982 All I can say is I can 100% empathize with you. I'm so so SO sorry my dear. I too know how it feels to never have had the feeling of being pregnant and the uncertainty of a dream unrealized. How to cope? Let yourself grieve!!! What other people don't understand about the IVF process is that you saw your embryo... You saw the egg that began to develop, cell by cell, into the child you hoped you'd one day hold in your arms and that didn't happen. It can feel like a major loss, and yet one many people don't recognize as you never had a double line on a test. Well your baby was developing and growing, and now it is not, and its okay to be sad about that. I think so often we just want to brush off the pain and start again. And that's a valid option if you feel ready. But sometimes we need a minute to absorb what we just went through before being ready (mind body soul) to start another cycle.

After the first failed round, I cried (a lot) but jumped right back on the horse determined to get pregnant on the second go, and at the time that was the best thing for me! All I can say, is that I took a long break after our second failed IVF because I didn't know if I could handle another heartbreak. Time heals. Those losses stick with me (I even got a tattoo recently honouring our struggle and dedication etc) and I carry them with me in all that I do, but my heart doesn't ache like it used to. I feel ready to go again. You know your body, and what it can handle. Don't stress if you feel wounded and sad. It doesn't last forever, and unfortunately with our periods, we get hyper emotional making it even worse than it already is. Hug your DH, cry on his shoulder, vent to us, do whatever you need to do to process, and then when you're ready, start making a plan for your next steps. I found my WTF appointment with RE gave me closure and readiness to move forward.

Best of luck to you!!!

tvh1982 · December 2015

@mskeenan, I did indeed freeze the remaining 7.
The clinic recommends to do a stimulated FET, whenever I'm ready.
I just hope one of my embryos is strong enough to survive thawing.
I take a month of as it's the holidays, which gives me a forced break to breath

Thank you for giving the positive side, it's easy to forget sometimes!

tvh1982 · December 2015

@oxinfree thank you so much for your kind words, and expressing what I feel.
I thought I was nuts to think about that little dot as my embryo.
For me I felt pregnant, I was pregnant, as I seen it and have the picture to prove it.
Which indeed makes it hard for others to understand.
It's really nice knowing that others do understand.
I have trouble grieving, find it wrong to cry and keep pushin those tears away. My acupuncturists has giving me a hard time about that, she told me I should let those tears flow

I unfortunately don't have a DH to help me along, it's just me taking this journey. On top of that I don't really share how I feel to those close to me either. Don't want them to worry

Must admit, opening up on this forum is a good help and your response was top on.
Thank you for sharing your experience.

mskeenan · December 2015

@tvh1982 that is great that you had 7 to freeze whenever you are ready . Sounds like a good time to take a break and re group . I'm currently taking a break myself and it's wonderful . I needed it to work through some of my grief before moving forward . This process is emotionally draining . Take extra good care of yourself in your time off . And yes , cry ! It's good to let it all out !!

tvh1982 · December 2015

@mskeenan It is indeed emotionally draining. I didn't expect it to be this difficult, as I haven't experienced it up close. They all just pop out babies in my family, so I am actually the first that suffers.

A break will be good, although I notice that I am secretly counting the days until my next period.

I hope I manage to stop that and enjoy the holiday seasons

But I notice my body needs a break form all the hormones, as it is telling me it is exhausted, so better listen to it

Thank you again for your kind words, it means a lot.

KLake42 · December 2015

I'm so sorry you're struggling. I've learned that I can draw strength from the stories of other ladies here, and I hope this space provides some support for you too.

I've had 7 failed medicated IUIs, and I'm getting ready for IVF. With low reserve, I'm not as optimistic as I'd like to be. I'll be lucky to get 1 or 2 good quality embryos out of this. I would be over the moon if I had 7 day-5 snowflakes, so take heart-- those are really, really good numbers! And a lot of people have greater success with FET than with fresh transfers, because the stimulation and egg retrieval really does beat up your body. You'll be calmer, more relaxed and stable, for your FET.

Take care of yourself, eat well, get massages and expensive chocolate, and really splurge on yourself. You deserve it, after getting this far in your journey!

And I already know that you've got strength, that you've made the choice to do this single. You are a kick-ass warrior, and you have the power to continue carrying yourself forward on your path.

tvh1982 · December 2015

I indeed can draw strength from these stories on here @klake42.

It feels like I am not complete alone, and all the women on here are just so lovely.

Kinda weird how 'strangers' can help you through something so personal. But knowing that others can relate and understand what you are going through gives such a comfort!

I only realise now how lucky I am with having 7 day-5 snowflakes (I like that you call them that), which make me relax a little bit more.

I indeed heard that some women have a greater success with FET than with fresh transfer. I was very stress, very sore, very stimulated, and so exhausted, that I reckon my body could not handle it all. It kinda tells me off now, and my uterus having a huge tantrum.

A December break will be good for me, even though I rather just get those pink lines right now!

I never been a patient girl before, so this is a huge test, and probably a good thing. Got to learn to be patient

I like your advice about the eat well, get massage, ... I definitely will do that

Bets of luck with your FET in January. I'll keep my FX that we will soon get those two pink lines we deserve!

plumeria05 · December 2015

@tvh1982 I'm here with BIG hugs. We all know what you're going through and it's nice to vent to people that truly understands the pain.

tvh1982 · December 2015

Thank you for the big hug @plumeria05!

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