you can't please everyone.

codeeye · December 2015

I just need to vent ladies, and maybe some advice if anyone has it.

As a person who has had problems with fertility in the past I know what it's like to have pregnant women talk about their pregnancy while you are just hoping for a baby. When I found myself in those situations where I was green with jealousy I would simply distance myself because I didn't want to take away from the other woman's joy.

Don't get me wrong, even though my pregnancy hasn't exactly been "smooth sailing" (I'm basically experiencing all of the bad things you hear about and very little of the good) I still strive every day to feel completely blessed by my little miracle. That doesn't mean that I don't get sick of puking all day or of having the same headache for more than a week straight sometimes. I have a pretty solid sense of humour so I have found that writing Whitty Facebook status' and making little jokes about the "bad parts" of pregnancy helps me bring humour to the situation and make me feel more optimistic. I don't do this too often (I checked. In the last 6 weeks I have made 3 statuses and posted two pictures) but I feel like there are certain people who say certain things that just get to me.

"Stop talking about your pregnancy like 1000's of women haven't done it before"

"I'll take all your nausea if you just make God give me a baby"

"At least you ARE pregnant"

People talk about being sensitive to ladies with fertility issues and I have been there and am aware of how much it can't hurt you to hear someone else "complaining" (no matter how humourous is was) about their symptoms when all you want is that opportunity. But no one talks about when you finally are successful, and you finally are that pregnant woman and you are filled with happiness and people try to take that happiness from you with their negative comments.

I have been through the waiting and the dissappintment and the waiting some more and the wondering if it ever will happen. I still fear a miscarriage because I feel it's just too good to be true. So when I am trying to be optimistic and happy and humourous about my pregnancy I feel like I sometimes have to censor my own joy to protect the feelings of others. Call me selfish but after all I've been through I want to have joy and happiness and excitement and not have it ruined by other people.

I guess you just can't please everyone.

mrstmoose · December 2015

So just a couple of thoughts. First, I don't think anyone is in the wrong here. You are overjoyed that you are pregnant (as you should be) but it does remind other women that they are not (understandable). So you could probably do a few things: first, ignore everyone completely and continue doing your thing. If it makes them that upset, they can take you off their newsfeed. Two, delete their comments if they upset you (you are able to do this on your Facebook). Or lastly, reach out to the ones who you've upset, tell them that it was not your intent and leave it at that. I would not necessarily change how you are acting on Facebook for a couple of people but maybe just be more mindful before you hit "share."

Like I said, I don't think anyone is in the wrong (although I will say their comments are rude but we know where they are coming from), but you have the power to how you react. Be the bigger person! Good luck!

lalala2004 · December 2015

I'll admit, I have posted almost nothing about my pregnancy on Facebook. I posted our announcement and then I think I made some joke about pregnancy and a super early bed time.

I really wanted to make sure I didn't complain about the pregnancy much. I someone asks how I'm feeling, I'm honest, but putting a positive spin on it. In the past, I've found pregnanct women who complain excessively (or much at all, really) come off as ungrateful. On a place like The Bump it's acceptable as others can commiserate. For everyone in your normal life, they may think "Ummm.... Sorry you're pregnant?" It's hard to relate.

That said, it doesn't sound like you've been excessive, and the comments people have made are extremely rude and uncalled for. You did nothing wrong.

kami09 · December 2015

Who the hell would respond like that on Facebook?!

codeeye · December 2015

Thanks ladies. I tried to be as understanding and pleasant as possible with these people and I think maybe a lot of how I was feeling about the whole situation is exacerbated by hormones! Haha

JennyS86 · December 2015

I can see how this is a difficult situation for you. You can ignore the comments or you can address them privately if it would make you feel better. I went through infertility treatments for pcos before having twins 2 yrs ago. I didn't ovulate for 10 years (not all of that time was trying to conceive!). Now, I am on the other side of the spectrum because I got pregnant "on my own". I wasn't having regular periods at all, so the pregnancy was a wonderful surprise. My friends know that I am miserable with hyperemesis...but slowly getting better! I try not to complain, if they ask, I tell them...and they know by my lack of hygiene...
Personally, the facebook world doesn't know about the pregnancy yet. I hear you on the hormones.

mjhulsing · December 2015

It took us 3.5 years to get pregnant. Every time a friend would announce hers it would kill me. When we announced ours I was very careful to not "gloat" about it. Thankfully, most of our friends knew of our struggles.

I don't think you're complaining too much, it probably just hurts them like it hurt you. My thoughts are to surround yourself with positive people. It took us a long while to come to grips with possibly not having a baby, and now that we are the people around us are positive influences in our lives.

Your friends will be happy for you, they just need their own time to "grieve"

gamommyx3 · December 2015

I understand what you mean about feeling like you need to censor yourself to protect others. Neither of my husband's sisters can have children, and one went through years of trying with a surrogate and then began the adoption process. Another friend was TTC with her husband after the hit one year of marriage, and he died suddenly of HCM one night in his sleep. There's a lot of sorrow and frustration around wanting to start a family...and then I got pregnant on the very first try. I didn't even want to tell any of them because I knew it would hurt. Fortunately for me they were all gracious - I didn't hear any of the comments you're hearing. I'm still afraid to say anything negative about pregnancy to my SIL though...they ended up adopting a beautiful baby girl, but I know she'd still give her left arm to be able to be pregnant. Any time she asks me how I am I tell her I'm good, even if I'm unable to get off the couch.

Pomegranate1983 · December 2015

I can relate to your story from every side (the waiting, going through infertility issues, being jealous and angry about other women being pregnant, and now to finally being pregnant myself). I was thankful that friends would be aware of what they were saying to me when I was going through infertility and let them know I may not be as involved or talk about their pregnancy. I let them know just because I'm not asking questions about it or wanting pictures or wanting to go shopping with them didn't mean I wasn't happy for them, I was just processing my own feelings and dealing with emotions on my end. I also remember saying those same comments when my sister or friends who complained about being pregnant.

I also dealt with my younger sister being pregnant while in an unstable and not-so-great situation with the baby daddy and when I let her know the same thing (I just needed time), I was told I was a horrible sister/aunt to be, I was being selfish, and she didn't want anything to do with me. When she did talk with me, we always argued about the same thing. She thought along the same lines as you do but she was so verbal and demanding about it, it was mean and completely insensitive. She wanted people to just be happy for her, to be able to gush and go baby shopping with me, and was hurt and angry when I didn't ask every time, all the time about her pregnancy.

Now, being on the other end of being pregnant, with letting people know, and those who I talk with about my pregnancy, I am careful. I know sometimes it feels like bottling things up a bit and that can be bothersome but I know what it is like to be told, "too bad, you should be happy for me, you're awful." I also found with friends who were understanding and gracious, I wanted to talk about their pregnancy more, little by little, as time went on and I was able to process my own feelings. Also, I make sure to save those more venting comments about the negative parts of pregnancy to friends who already have children or are also pregnant. I don't have facebook, or any social media site, so I just send a text to a select person or two and that meets my fix for venting.

Edited for clarification

buffythevampireslayer · December 2015

I can't believe people would post comments like that on Facebook. I see statuses all the time that piss me off, I am sure we all do, and while I may talk sh*t to my friends/husband/whoever about it, I would never comment. I would ignore the comments.

Getting pregnant is hard for some people. Being pregnant is hard for some people. There will always be someone who has it better or worse. You do what you need to do to make yourself feel better. It's good to be sensitive to others, but if people are so sensitive they can't see Facebook statuses about getting pregnant without freaking out, they should maybe take a social media fast.

vinerie · December 2015

I think the one conclusion to take away from this is Facebook sucks. I mean that in all seriousness. It offers an incomplete, manufactured glimpse into people's lives, and there is simply no way to NOT come off as insufferable on Facebook, whether you're talking about your pregnancy, wedding, a vacation, your kid or anything else, for that matter. It's not you-- its Facebook.

AdorkablePixie · December 2015

I also had trouble getting pregnant. We tried for 22 months and had treatments. I final,y got pregnant. I still haven't announced it on the Facebook world. I know I will at some point, I'm just afraid I will crush someone going through the same thing I was and not even know it. I saw SO MANY people get pregnant while we were trying. Even people who weren't trying. It was so upsetting for me. That being said, I'd just ignore their comments, delete their comments, talks with them about, or block them from future posts like that. Or all of the above! lol Facebook, and people, can really suck sometimes.

wsgjmw1 · December 2015

Here is my two cents. The reason we each have social media is to see what else everyone is up to right? We scroll through pictures, statues etc. day after day. So naturally we post things that are going on in our life, whether that is getting a new job, new puppy, breakup, new relationship AND pregnancy. I looked back on my instagram and since I have become pregnant that is the only thing I have posted about. If my "friends" don't like it then they can delete me or ignore it. But I am sharing what is going on in my life right now, it just so happens to be my pregnancy, just like once this baby is born my IG will be flooded with pictures of my baby and so forth. I say you do you girl, and if your followers don't like what you're posting they thats their problem.

KidShrink · December 2015

Having also been through 2 years of infertility, I completely hear you. As we were starting fertility treatments, my younger sister (in a fairly recent relationship, with an unstable history) announced she was pregnant on the first month of trying. And then she complained to me about feeling sick, and dared saying things such as 'well, it doesn't matter all that much if ever you can't get pregnant, at least you'll be an auntie'. Needless to say, I had to be pretty blunt with her and I felt irritated by everyone's negative/complaining posts about their pregnancy or baby. We were very open about our struggles throughout, so when we announced our pregnancy on FB, I wanted to make sure to be delicate about it, knowing very well other people we knew were going through a similar ordeal. So we said something along the lines of 'For our friends who are having a hard time conceiving, know that we have a thought for you and wish you the best'. I have been very careful about my complaining, and when people probe for it, my typical answer is that I worked really hard for this, so it doesn't matter. I'm sure I'll end up complaining at some point though! And it certainly doesn't seem like you're being excessive (unlike a friend of my husband's who apparently tried for 7 years, and complains at least twice a day about her daughter's attitude when she's really just as bitchy as her). I would certainly have a conversation with the people who wrote you those comments though (assuming they're close, otherwise just delete the comments).

JoMunson · December 2015

So about two days after we found out our first baby didn't have a heartbeat, a girl I was in grad school with who was pregnant asked me how I was, I brushed it off and asked how she was and she proceeded to complain about her baby kicking her all night. I snapped back "well it could be worse". It was totally out of my pain and jealously and she didn't technically do anything wrong (she did tend to complain about every aspect of her life). Just ignore them is what I say. I eventually got over it and realized I need to be happy for women instead of mad that they had something I didn't.

Pascal86 · December 2015

I think I've said this before somewhere here, but in general, if I have something to say, I think of a specific person or group to share it with, and then call or email them. You have no idea what's going on with the many people on Facebook, and unless they're all close personal friends, there's no real reason to share pregnancy complaints. On the other hand, if I get a phone call or email from a friend, I feel way more of a connection and happy they wanted to talk to me. So when you want to complain, just think about what you're trying to accomplish - for me, complaining is usually more satisfying when I have a conversation with a friend about it rather than just shooting it out into social media. Then you can be selective about who's hearing it, and not risk upsetting someone just because you felt like complaining. And of course, you can always come complain on here to us!

nbgmom · December 2015

Coming at it from the other side, I appreciate what you are saying. I myself have not gone through infertility but I have more than a few friends from close to acquaintances, that have been trying for years to have babies. I have rough pregnancies, but I havent yet had trouble getting the baby in or getting a healthy baby out. That being said, I have never once referred to any of my 3 pregnancies as miserable, even when my face is full of busted blood vessels. I will make light hearted "this baby rejects all the food I want. I wish it would tell me what it wants to eat" kind of posts on occasion, but I don't gush baby posts all over, because I love my friends, and as much as I love my kids, it makes my heart ache that much more for my friends. And I am very open about how much I care. Infertility is such a lonely and isolating thing and people suffer so silently. The stigma is terrible. Congrats on your pregnancies ladies, and best wishes on this one and all future ones

RMLandy · December 2015

After all the rude comments and unsolicited advice I received from social media last pregnancy, I decided that this time, I won't be posting much (if anything) about pregnancy. Partly because it can get irritating when people are complaining all the time, but mostly because of the title of your post! People won't be satisfied no matter what you do! And once you post on social media about something, you're basically inviting opinions. So I choose for my own sanity to keep it off Facebook because you're exactly right - no matter if they know your struggles or not, someone will find some way or reason to try to steal your joy! So I say, don't let 'em and just do your thing outside the social media eye.

Merciel · December 2015

I totally agree with wsgjmw1.

The point of FB, at least for me, is to post updates about my life for my friends and family that I don't get to see regularly anymore. Most of them are pretty trivial, a few of them are semi-serious, but for the most part I'm just going to talk about whatever random thing is going on in my life.

I don't post a ton about the pregnancy because frankly it's not very interesting. But I made the announcement so people would know that was a thing, and I've referred to it in passing now and then because it is a thing, and if people can't cope with hearing about it then they're welcome to unfollow or unfriend me, just like they're welcome to unfollow or unfriend me if they don't want to look at pictures of my dogs or hear about me screwing up a pot of chili or whatever else.

Negative comments get burned straight to the ground, though. I have no time for those people in my life.

camillaandcarson · December 2015

I haven't posted anything on mine. I will maybe post 1 picture in a month. However having said that your fb page is your personal page. Post what you want. And delete any comments you don't want or address them privately. Either way it is your page, it is totally expected you would post about what is currently going on in your life on your own page.

GoatSnakeMouse · December 2015

When I was struggling to conceive, I hid most pregnant friends' posts from my timeline. There's nothing wrong with them posting, I just didn't need to see it. Now that I'm pregnant, I really don't post about it, but mostly because I find that repeated "OMG I am such a pregnant lady!" posts are just *super boring* to non-pregnant people. That's what the Bump is for!

vinerie · December 2015

GoatSnakeMouse said:

When I was struggling to conceive, I hid most pregnant friends' posts from my timeline. There's nothing wrong with them posting, I just didn't need to see it. Now that I'm pregnant, I really don't post about it, but mostly because I find that repeated "OMG I am such a pregnant lady!" posts are just *super boring* to non-pregnant people. That's what the Bump is for!

THIS. I'm hoping to remember this myself, which is why I haven't said a word on FB. Like @goatsnakemouse said, that's what The Bump (and good friends) are for!

sosweet487 · December 2015

I have a little different dilemma going on right now with one of my friends. She was one of my closest friends, we met in college and were inseparable. She was in my wedding back in August 2013. After the wedding, she started feeling horrible. She ended up deleting me on facebook because she was so unhappy with her life that it hurt her seeing me happy and posting pictures of my husband and myself. She went through depression and actually tried to commit suicide. I was taken aback by that. I tried to be understanding and tell myself to not take anything personally, but it definitely hurt a bit.

Fast forward to now, I am afraid to talk to her about my pregnancy. I actually stopped reaching out to her because I was afraid that she would go down the same path as she did after my wedding. I ended up reaching out to her a few days ago, explained why I wasn't reaching out to her more. I thought we were good but then the following day after talking to her she sends me a message saying, "Ugh, I hate kids." She is a 5th-grade teacher so I figured it was just her venting about her students so I responded saying that kids can be shitty between the ages of 9 and 17. She responded back saying, "No, they're shitty between the ages of 0 and 22."

Her response just really rubbed me the wrong way and I didn't know how to respond. I'm trying to be sensitive, but I just feel like no matter what she will never be happy. I've been limiting how much I post on Facebook because I don't want to have the same thing happen to her again as it did with my wedding... I had only posted my announcement and that was it. Well... 2 things if you count the time I re-posted the Adele impersonator video on facebook with the caption, "You know you're pregnant when this makes you cry."

Pascal86 · December 2015

@sosweet487 - I would create a custom group for when you post on facebook that just excludes her. Normally I say you shouldn't share stuff if you think it could hurt people in general, but sounds like this woman is pretty emotionally volatile and it might be better to just not include her in your social media world - for the sake of her sanity and your feelings.

Merciel · December 2015

Hey, if she hates kids, at least you know she won't be jealous about your pregnancy news, right? So no need to censor yourself on that account.

More seriously: that's a tough situation and it sucks that your friend is going through a hard time and feeling unhappy, but letting her misery spread to you won't fix anything. Just live your life. If someday she reaches out to you and asks for help, then as a friend, it would be good if you can be there for her. But in the meantime, my advice is don't bother tiptoeing on eggshells. Your life is yours, your happiness is yours, and you deserve to enjoy it without worrying about someone who'd just find something else to be miserable about anyway.

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