Introduction- losses mentioned

fivetimesnoluck · November 2015

Hello, I am frustrated to be here, but hoping to find some meaningful support and offer some of my own, if I can.

My TTC story is depressing to type out, but facts are facts. Have been married since May 2009. Absolutely adore my husband - we are incredibly lucky in love. But, we have had five losses. I am 37 and husband is 32. First m/c in March of 2013 (7w), second in August 2013 (7w2d), third in April 2014 (9w), chemical pregnancy in January 2015 and most recent m/c November 15 (7w3d). No causes found for our RPL after all the standard testing. Minor intervention: progesterone suppositories with last three, then added supplements, folate, DHEA, and baby aspirin regimen for 4-5 months before last conception.

Standing at a crossroads - not sure that husband and I have the strength to try again. Starting to think of pursuing adoption, but then on Tuesday my DH had a fortuitous meeting with (the only) RPL specialist in our city who had previously not been willing to see us (he is retiring and didn't want new patients, my ob was "consulting" with him instead) and the doc offered us an appointment which we are definitely going to pursue. Not sure what will come of it, but have hoped/wanted to meet him face to face for some time.

We are different people than we were when this started. These losses have defined me for three years now and have re-shaped my life and my priorities. I often wander between battered and bitter to angry and depressed, but have on occasion found some balance and perspective that has helped with acceptance.

This year I made my self a priority. It was imperative to focus on my mental and physical well-being because I could have easily detoured down the dark and twisty path. So instead of giving up, I cut out drinking. I finally, really quit smoking (gross, I know). I found an exercise activity that is healthy and meaningful to me (yoga). I tried (and adore!) acupuncture. I see a therapist occasionally. I encouraged (made) my husband try therapy too (he likes it!).

I did all this and then still had another loss. And that sucks. More than words can explain. But, I am grateful for the work I did because the strength I have gained is helping me cope in a different way than I have in the past. I still want a child. I want to experience being a parent with my husband. I still wonder WHY?! And I still cry randomly and am absolutely grieving. But there's something different.... a little bit more peace, strength maybe. (And, yes, I know I sound a little psycho-babbly/self-helpy/cheesey/hippy-dippy, but this shit has worked for me.)

On the eve of Thanksgiving, my wish for you all is that you can experience some semblance of gratitude in the midst of your time of grief and pain and loss. Maybe you are thankful for your partner, for health insurance, for healthy children already born, your support system, for wine, or chocolate - something. And if you just can't.... that's ok too. I get it. I hope it's temporary.

Big love to y'all.

queenklau · November 2015

Hi @fivetimesnoluck, I am so so very sorry about your losses. It can be so disheartening, dissapointing, devastating... And not finding answers can make it so difficult and make us feel out of control. Life is so unfair sometimes.

I just went through my second loss in 6 months. Both mmc around 9-10 weeks. I know what you mean about being different than when this all started.

I can't imagine what you have been through and I probably don't have the right words to make you feel better. But I admire your strength and your outlook on life. I pray and I hope that the visit with the specialists gives you some further insight, options and that you get your rainbow baby after these many storms.

((Hugs))

tinypikachu · November 2015

Welcome... I am so sorry for you losses. I really can't imagine going through this again, let alone 4 more times. I will be praying for you. I hope your appointment with the specialist goes wonderfully and that you are able to get a beautiful rainbow baby soon.

I can definitely understand not being the same person and no one can blame you for that. I can tell from your post that you are a very strong woman and I pray for peace for you and your husband.

shaley29 · November 2015

Hi. So sorry for your losses. I had 4 myself, one ectopic pregnancy and 3 miscarriages all very early on. Finally after the 3rd we had genetic testing and found I have a mutation which causes blood clots. I started progesterone suppositories and baby aspirin while trying to conceive. We finally had a healthy baby girl this past July. One thing the losses taught me was how strong I really am, and that everything truly does happen for a reason. Being a Christian I believe God sent me the little angels for so many reasons, and took them home for so many more. I know the journey is not easy, and it's so scary and anxiety ridden! My prayers to you and your husband for the chance to experience having a child!

fivetimesnoluck · December 2015

Thank you all for your responses and for your support. I am trying to stay focused on looking forward. It's terribly difficult some days and manageable on others. Hugely disappointing is the recent announcement of a co-worker who is pregnant and will be about 4 weeks ahead of where I was in my last loss. I am thinking of telling her about my history so that she understands if I am ever stand-offish or distant. We are a small office (about 15 people), so I would not ever want to put her off and have her assume it's personal. (The other side of me says not to bother her with my sad story when she is in such a positive place...)

The good news is that the specialist who my husband happened to meet has already had his office call and we have an appointment for 12/16. Since he is truly nearly retired, his schedule is open and it was really our choice as to when to meet. The way I see it, there are three possible outcomes. 1. He says, I know why this is happening and you should do this to prevent it. 2. He says, I know why this is happening and there is no way around it. You should try another route to building your family. 3. He says, I have no idea what is causing this.

All of those scenarios present closure of some kind and I would be ok with any of them. I think it will be reassuring to have someone with his level of expertise really give our case serious attention.

Hoping you all have a great week!

Introduction- losses mentioned

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