Hello, I am frustrated to be here, but hoping to find some meaningful support and offer some of my own, if I can.
My TTC story is depressing to type out, but facts are facts. Have been married since May 2009. Absolutely adore my husband - we are incredibly lucky in love. But, we have had five losses. I am 37 and husband is 32. First m/c in March of 2013 (7w), second in August 2013 (7w2d), third in April 2014 (9w), chemical pregnancy in January 2015 and most recent m/c November 15 (7w3d). No causes found for our RPL after all the standard testing. Minor intervention: progesterone suppositories with last three, then added supplements, folate, DHEA, and baby aspirin regimen for 4-5 months before last conception.
Standing at a crossroads - not sure that husband and I have the strength to try again. Starting to think of pursuing adoption, but then on Tuesday my DH had a fortuitous meeting with (the only) RPL specialist in our city who had previously not been willing to see us (he is retiring and didn't want new patients, my ob was "consulting" with him instead) and the doc offered us an appointment which we are definitely going to pursue. Not sure what will come of it, but have hoped/wanted to meet him face to face for some time.
We are different people than we were when this started. These losses have defined me for three years now and have re-shaped my life and my priorities. I often wander between battered and bitter to angry and depressed, but have on occasion found some balance and perspective that has helped with acceptance.
This year I made my self a priority. It was imperative to focus on my mental and physical well-being because I could have easily detoured down the dark and twisty path. So instead of giving up, I cut out drinking. I finally, really quit smoking (gross, I know). I found an exercise activity that is healthy and meaningful to me (yoga). I tried (and adore!) acupuncture. I see a therapist occasionally. I encouraged (made) my husband try therapy too (he likes it!).
I did all this and then still had another loss. And that sucks. More than words can explain. But, I am grateful for the work I did because the strength I have gained is helping me cope in a different way than I have in the past. I still want a child. I want to experience being a parent with my husband. I still wonder WHY?! And I still cry randomly and am absolutely grieving. But there's something different.... a little bit more peace, strength maybe. (And, yes, I know I sound a little psycho-babbly/self-helpy/cheesey/hippy-dippy, but this shit has worked for me.)
On the eve of Thanksgiving, my wish for you all is that you can experience some semblance of gratitude in the midst of your time of grief and pain and loss. Maybe you are thankful for your partner, for health insurance, for healthy children already born, your support system, for wine, or chocolate - something. And if you just can't.... that's ok too. I get it. I hope it's temporary.
Big love to y'all.
Me: 40, DH: 35 / Married: 2009; TTC #1: 2013
2013 - 2015: 5 pregnancies —> 5 miscarriages
TTCAL with RE (RPL specialist): February 2016
2016: 3 medicated TI cycles —> 3 medicated IUI cycles: All BFN
Donor Egg IVF Transfer: May 1, 2017
May 11, 2017: BFP!! Beta #1: 449.1, Beta #2: 844, Beta #3: 1714
EDD: 1/17/18, it's a GIRL! E. L. A. born 12/7/2017