Overnight guests after you take baby home...

nbc2015 · December 2015

Hi, all. First, I searched the discussion board threads; didn't find quite what I was looking for so I decided to post.

As a FTM, I'm not sure of how long I should wait before allowing overnight, out-of-town guests after bringing baby home. H's sister wants to come visit about one month after LO's EDD, but the problem is that neither H or I ever talk to her, so it's going to be uber awkward. I'm not sure I want that awkwardness while I'm still trying to adjust to having a newborn and recover from birthing a human.

It also worries me that (obviously) we have no guarantee on when LO when make his debut, so what if he a week or two late, and then I've only had 2-3 weeks before having out of town company? That seems awful.

For those of you who have been through this before, any suggestion on time frame for when might be a more appropriate (or realistic) time for company to come see LO? My concern is that H's sister is more like a "guest" than an actual family member that we are comfortable with, and I don't want to be uncomfortable in my own home. Thoughts?

lbart86 · December 2015

Also a FTM so no experience here for a situation like this but if it were me and I was already hesitant like you, I'd have H talk to her and express that it's great she wants to come but that she shouldn't make arrangements to do so until after baby is here. Like you said, if baby is late and you're still learning the ropes with a newborn, you definitely don't want to feel put out or like you have to entertain a guest. Could she stay with in-laws or friends if any in the area instead? I don't think it is a huge request on your end.

krissyandfrank · December 2015

I'm a stm and honestly there's pros and cons to this scenario. A pro being that the extra help would be nice since you will be super tired and probably need a break (nap , shower, someone else to cook ) a con being that in the first few weeks you pretty much want your baby all to yourself to cuddle and love and admire. Best advice is to do what you feel is best for you and your baby . Maybe tell her as of now you would like that time to just be alone with the baby but that may change after baby comes and you'll let her know.

VitaLuna · December 2015

My ILs came around a month and a half or two months after LO was born and that was a good amount of time. Thing are awkward with them and me and it wasn't exactly "extra help", so I'm glad they waited that long. I would not have been comfortable with them there sooner.

Monkeybutt80 · December 2015

It really depends on your relationship and their expectations. With my first, my parents were staying at my house when I went in for induction and a couple of days after I returned from the hospital, my in laws and bil/soil came and stayed for a weekend. They didn't expect me to be a host, and I didn't really host. I focused on my new baby and recovery and they helped and stayed out of the way. We plan to do the same this time except that my parents now have their own place and won't be staying at our house.

Kiek · December 2015

It depends. If the overnight guest was someone close that I didn't feel like I had to "host" and would help out, I'd be all for it. One of my oldest friends came for a week a month after DD was born and she helped out so much. We've been friends since we were 5 so it's like having close family around. She even surprised me by treating me to a mani pedi while she watched DD. If it was someone I wasn't close to I'd decline. I would really feel obligated to be a good host and that's still in the exhausted walking around in a sleepless daze phase lol

nbc2015 · December 2015

Thanks for the responses everyone. It's nice to hear that I'm not being unreasonable.

I would definitely be hosting in this scenario, and I don't think my SIL would offer much help while she was here (unless it meant snuggling LO....but as far as helping cook, clean, maybe running an errand or two, no way. That would never happen). I think I need to tell them to wait until LO gets here and then we can revisit the timeline. Before then, I think I might be setting myself up for a crapshoot.

It also irks me to know that my ILs think it's unfair because my siblings will be visiting very soon after LO is born, but they are my absolutely best friends, and there is nothing uncomfortable about having them with me. But I figure....I'm the one who has to birth the baby, it should be about my comfort level, not everyone else's.

andresh · December 2015

My mom came a couple of days after our daughter was born. Due to some complications I had postpartum she ended up staying a month which was awesome. She helped so much and was so encouraging. Two sisters stayed with other family and visited for a weekend 2-3 weeks after birth. My mom will come out for at least two weeks with this one because she will be born during the middle of the semester.

MississippiCatfish · December 2015

nbc2015 said:
Thanks for the responses everyone. It's nice to hear that I'm not being unreasonable.

I would definitely be hosting in this scenario, and I don't think my SIL would offer much help while she was here (unless it meant snuggling LO....but as far as helping cook, clean, maybe running an errand or two, no way. That would never happen). I think I need to tell them to wait until LO gets here and then we can revisit the timeline. Before then, I think I might be setting myself up for a crapshoot.

It also irks me to know that my ILs think it's unfair because my siblings will be visiting very soon after LO is born, but they are my absolutely best friends, and there is nothing uncomfortable about having them with me. But I figure....I'm the one who has to birth the baby, it should be about my comfort level, not everyone else's.

This all makes sense to me. To have someone that I'm not very comfortable around 24/7 would be tough for me. I think everybody has that "one story" from when they had their first baby, and here's mine: I remember my in laws and 2 or 3 BIL and SILs coming over for dinner and lingering for WAY too long. It was almost ten and they still hadn't gone. This was the second time they'd done this in the first week of baby's life, and I thought it was so rude, but it was obvious they were just CLUELESS to the fact that we would have been in bed at 7 when baby fell asleep if they weren't there! Anyway, that particular night I was struggling with terrible gas and afterbirth pains. Not being able to pass gas freely was causing sooo much pain. I remember crying upstairs alone until my husband found me and I had to explain the situation and beg him to get them to leave...because I needed to be able to fart freely. So ridiculous, but sooo real - a big enough deal that I still remember it 3 years later. I just wasn't comfortable around them. It would have been tough to have them around for days. So, all that to say...I definitely understand your hesitation and think any decision you make will be a-ok:)

ohgoodness · December 2015

let your DH read the link in this..its fair to not want to entertain.

https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12647688/lemon-clot-essay#latest

llpearsall · December 2015

I'm a FTM but I've already put a ban on having my in-laws stay with us for at least several months after the baby is born. I know they want to help but their visits are usually a lot of stress and work for me and I'm just not willing to risk any extra stress while I'm trying to recover and learn how to be a mother. Do what makes you comfortable and know that you can always say no now and change your mind about letting your SIL stay with you later.

Life is Exciting · December 2015

At least give yourself the first night or two to yourselves as a family. There's a lot of adjusting and a lot of emotions. I couldn't even handle having people come over to see the baby during the day for the first couple of days.

shounshe · December 2015

Thank you for starting this discussion! DH and I are in the process of scheduling visits from my mom, his mom, and his dad & stepmom, and I can feel my blood pressure rise every time I think about it. All are out of state and will want to stay with us. I want a month alone without any guests, but we weren't sure on a timeline. My doctor said she'll induce at 41 weeks if the baby is late, so at least we have an absolute end date.

I've only been around my MIL 3-4 times, and I'm not super comfortable around her, but she's a nurse and very OCD about keeping her house clean and organized, so I think she would be helpful when visiting. My mom criticizes everything I do and will not be helpful, and I'm sure she'll expect to be entertained. DH suggested having them come at the same time. That way I won't feel obligated to make conversation with one person all day while he's back at work, MIL can cook, and they can entertain each other. My OB thinks this could be a nightmare for us if they just compete for baby's attention the whole time. (They've only met once, at our wedding, so I don't know how they would get along for a week.)

Thoughts?

DrillSergeantCat · December 2015

@nbc2015 - I wouldn't allow your SIL to visit unless she's staying at a hotel. Especially if you think it's going to end being you entertaining her. Your body will have just endured 9 months of pregnancy plus labor and delivery. You need to rest. I say that with this caveat...if she's telling your hubby how excited she is to come help you out with the baby, then go ahead. How long is she planning on staying?

Kiek · December 2015

shounshe said:
Thank you for starting this discussion! DH and I are in the process of scheduling visits from my mom, his mom, and his dad & stepmom, and I can feel my blood pressure rise every time I think about it. All are out of state and will want to stay with us. I want a month alone without any guests, but we weren't sure on a timeline. My doctor said she'll induce at 41 weeks if the baby is late, so at least we have an absolute end date.

I've only been around my MIL 3-4 times, and I'm not super comfortable around her, but she's a nurse and very OCD about keeping her house clean and organized, so I think she would be helpful when visiting. My mom criticizes everything I do and will not be helpful, and I'm sure she'll expect to be entertained. DH suggested having them come at the same time. That way I won't feel obligated to make conversation with one person all day while he's back at work, MIL can cook, and they can entertain each other. My OB thinks this could be a nightmare for us if they just compete for baby's attention the whole time. (They've only met once, at our wedding, so I don't know how they would get along for a week.)

Thoughts?

I guess my situation was a little unique but it just happened to work out that my mom and MIL were both in the room for my birth and at home with me the first few days with DD. They'd only met once at our wedding and are sooooo different. But the one thing they had in common was their kids just had their grand baby and it was really nice having lots of mommy attention lol. They took very good care of DD and me.

mcklough · December 2015

shounshe said:

Thank you for starting this discussion! DH and I are in the process of scheduling visits from my mom, his mom, and his dad & stepmom, and I can feel my blood pressure rise every time I think about it. All are out of state and will want to stay with us. I want a month alone without any guests, but we weren't sure on a timeline. My doctor said she'll induce at 41 weeks if the baby is late, so at least we have an absolute end date. I've only been around my MIL 3-4 times, and I'm not super comfortable around her, but she's a nurse and very OCD about keeping her house clean and organized, so I think she would be helpful when visiting. My mom criticizes everything I do and will not be helpful, and I'm sure she'll expect to be entertained. DH suggested having them come at the same time. That way I won't feel obligated to make conversation with one person all day while he's back at work, MIL can cook, and they can entertain each other. My OB thinks this could be a nightmare for us if they just compete for baby's attention the whole time. (They've only met once, at our wedding, so I don't know how they would get along for a week.) Thoughts?

this sounds like a disaster waiting to happen in my opinion. I'm not a great hostess ever and I'm definitely not planning on being a good one after I have a baby, I'm in upstate NY and my mom and dad moved to FL- my mom thought she was going to spend a week with us a few weeks after she was born and I basically said no way. They are getting a hotel and are welcome to come over during the days but at night I want my space with DH and baby.

MIl and FIL live about 3.5 hours away and they will be permitted to stay a night if they want, but they ar also the types that go to bed fairly early and don't really expect to be entertained. They will stay out of my way where as my mom would be like oh I was up reading at 2 am and heard you- do you need something? do you want something? and my answer will probably be "I want you to go away".

BIL may come for an afternoon- if that.

My sister and her husband are in OK and they will be invited for a long weekend probably a month and a half or two after she comes. I want to wait to pick a time for them after she's arrived and we've had a little bit of time to settle and figure out how things are going.

Extended family will be invited to meet her when we go for a weekend to stay with MIL and FIL (who live near all the rest of the extended family)

Maybe I'm just incredibly guarded but DH and I agree this is about what makes us comfortable and we feel confident in our abilities to learn how we want to parent on our own so we don't want people all up in our space.

nbc2015 · December 2015

DrillSergeantCat, it would be a long weekend visit, so probably Thurs-Sun. She will not help. She will snuggle the baby and oodle and probably want to go do stuff around town (maybe with her brother, definitely not with me). There are so many components to the relationships (and lack thereof) that make this whole thing so stressful. I get worked up just thinking about it.

I think I just need to say that we will revisit the idea once baby gets here, and not a moment before then. UGH. I'm quickly learning that you have a baby, and people start going bonkers and feigning relationships because everyone wants to see her/him. It drives me nuts!

Aussiechicka · December 2015

Last time round we had no one stay but plenty of people who lingered and couldn't take the hint to leave after an hour, or three. This time round we live in a whole other state and my sister is flying in from Australia 3 days before I'm being induced. She has 4 kids and is a fantastic Mum and cook and I'm beyond excited to have her here to help. she's very much a "what do you need" person and I could totally say that I needed some time alone and she'd just go do something.

kalenvan · December 2015

Honestly it's not the time to have guests. The only visitors I'm having is my parents and sister which they will be staying a week after delivery to help. After that it's just gonna be my husband and I so we can bond and have our time to adjust. We also planned to make visits to family during the summer so everyone gets a chance to see the baby. That way you have control and can leave whenever you want. Plus if family is traveling from out of town during the flu season that's not good for them to be around the baby.

hnull · December 2015

I'm a FTM too, but since you don't really ever talk to her take as long as you want Until you have her over! I wouldn't have an overnight visitor for a few months, that's just me because I would want some sort of routine down with baby!(: also since we are due in February I would wait since it's still cold and flu season and baby would be prone to that.

satuttle1014 · December 2015

I'm a FTM and my thought is first, they should ask you when it is okay to come visit not just make plans because you don't know when your LO will come into the world. Also if you are nervous about your adjustment, visitors can stay at a hotel and come over during the day. If they aren't going to "help" you then they don't need to stay with you. My mom will be coming to visit for a long time but she will be helping me adjust and taking care of the house.

Sprinkles07 · December 2015

My mom was in town the week of DS's due date. He ended up being a week late. and she only had the weekend left. My Sister and father flew in as well for that weekend and got there the day we came home. The extra help was nice. I was a little terrified to do it on our own so I even asked my mom to change her flight to stay a few more days. That being said, There were uncomfortable parts. Like even though it was my mom and close family, I wasn't comfortable breast feeding right in front of them and I think it did effect us being able to get into a solid routine and ultimately my milk production. This go around I am planning to have them wait until a month or so after Elle gets here. I really want to have just us for a while. I'd say have SIL wait until after LO is born to plan the trip or ask her to push it back a couple weeks so if you do end up being late it's still a month + after LO arrives.

=caenis= · December 2015

Good question. My mom will be staying with us for about a month, but she is a helpful person I don't feel I need to entertain. In your case it might be better to ask for a good month of space to adjust first, especially if your guests will cause stress.

Latina211508 · December 2015

We will not have any overnight guests at all. I want to be comfortable in my own home. I personally wouldn't even have someone stay the night family or not if we barely even talk. This is the first time (fourth baby) that we have any family not living by us. My inlaws got re-stationed and my MIL offered to help after the baby. I personally don't like help besides from my husband. Plus I don't want her staying with us for who knows how long. I would prefer to do things myself and be able to do what I want where I want. Lol I probably won't even want visitors for a while. I like my space and my husbsnds family is very over bearing at times. But do what you're comfortable with.

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