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Hubby won't have sex with me

Brooke n TylerBrooke n Tyler member
edited December 2015 in 3rd Trimester
We are gonna be first time parents (apparently sooner then everyone thought) I'm 34 weeks and I have contractions every 20 minutes AND I'm already dilated to 2 cm. Doctors are not stopping the labor, they are just letting it happen on its on. Anyways. My hubby will not have sex with me since we found out I'm already dilated. He is scared that it will send me into labor faster. Our LO needs to stay in longer but I miss the romance with my husband. I know once the baby gets here Romance is completely out the door for a while. Any suggestions on how to heat stuff up before the baby gets here, without the husband freaking out about sending me into labor??
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Re: Hubby won't have sex with me

  • kyraaDkyraaD member
    edited December 2015
    everything PP said.
    i think making a doctor's appointment for you & your DH to speak to him/her about it is a good idea. hearing from a professional that everything is okay would probably be the best way to reassure him everything will be okay.

    other than that, i would follow PP's advice. especially going on some nice, romantic dates before LO comes. get as much time together as possible!! good luck.

    edit because i fail at words today >.<
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  • ZoeyRaeJamesZoeyRaeJames member
    To be honest, I wouldn't push it on him, of he isn't comfortable. That, and sex sometimes makes labour move quicker, because semen is said to start contractions quicker. Just because when you orgasm, it tightens then releases your muscles. Causing everything else to relax. Which isn't good, if you're trying to keep from dilating even more! I am sure your SO is worried about causingore issues, and is very concerned about it all. That's why there is no sex. Which you're going to have to handle, AFTER your LO is born. Because you can't have sex for at least 6 weeks after the birth of your child!
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  • groovylocksgroovylocks member
    It is not sex or female orgasm or even strictly male orgasm that triggers labor.

    it's semen. 

    I'm not sure about the mechanics of WHY that is but semen has been known to bring on labor. This includes semen from vasectomized men, btw. Not sure if any of you ladies have a partner who has had a vasectomy but i just remember reading that somewhere. It's the semen itself, not the sperm. 

    Maybe this will help your husband feel better about sex. 

    But beware. Orgasms can be very painful at this stage. 
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  • PrimRoseMamaPrimRoseMama member
    I wouldn't push him if he's not uncomfortable. I find it strange that your doctors are not making an effort to avoid a preterm baby? At 34 weeks, you should be fighting to keep baby baking until at least 38 weeks or longer...


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  • Mousie93Mousie93 member
    If you go into labour after 34 weeks the procedure is to let it continue according to the NHS in UK. I have some sympathy with your husband. Sex is very psychological for men too and if he's feeling anxious about your and babys safety it's a huge turn off. His priority right now is making sure you guys are okay and if I were him sex would be the last thing on my mind to be honest. Good luck with the labour and I hope baby does well. My friend went into labour at bang on 34 weeks and her little boy spent 7 days in hospital but is now a big bouncy boy and is breastfeeding very well :) x
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  • groovylocksgroovylocks member
    PrimRoseMama said:
    It is of concern to me that you seem more concerned about getting laid than the health of your child? Help me out here. I'm with your husband on this one. There are many ways to be physically intimate & romantic without intercourse.

    As somebody who has had sex on the brain 24/7 during this pregnancy, I get that you want to have sex. But i agree, a baby born at 34 weeks is going to experience more complications than a baby born at 40 weeks. You have a month before your babe is considered full term so if you have to lay off the prostaglandins for a month, eh. No big deal.

    I've been dry since day 1. Hubby says he "feels like a bad dad" and "feels like a creep" and "doesn't find the thought of doing it around the baby sexy". So be happy you've had a healthy sex life up to this point and just take it easy. You'll make it :) I promise..
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  • fourtsixand2fourtsixand2 member
    Gosh, I understand your predicament, but I do agree with PP not to pressure him.  As you have feelings, so does he, and if he is uneasy about having sex his feelings are understandable given your situation at this point.
    There are other things you can do that are romantic and intimate between you and your husband without physically having sex.  Often times my husband says just laying with him is as intimate as having sex, and that makes me feel so good about us.
    image
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  • LIly436LIly436 member
    First of all, I too would rather have a full term baby then sex. 
    Speaking of other issues. If you want romance, then it has nothing to do with sex. If you want sex and it drives you nuts then masturbate, get the edge off
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  • Brooke n TylerBrooke n Tyler member
    Thank you for all your comments.
    I just wanna make it clear that my doctors aren't concerned about the baby's health if he comes that he is ready might need a little oxygen but other then that they believe he is completely healthy. My child's Heath is my first concern. Next, I would never pressure my hubby into anything he didn't want to do. But we have always had a very inmate relationship and for it just to stop, it hurts. I know he isn't rejecting me and he is worried.
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  • ammnam14ammnam14 member
    I think your main focus should be keeping that LO inside.

    There is so much more to a relationship than sex. I was a little upset as well when my H said he was uncomfortable doing the deed but never pushed it. Some men are just uncomfortable with the thought of sex while their unborn baby is inches away. Go on a date, watch a movie together, do something fun together!
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  • BigboobsmcgeeBigboobsmcgee member
    Brooke n Tyler said:
    Thank you for all your comments. I just wanna make it clear that my doctors aren't concerned about the baby's health if he comes that he is ready might need a little oxygen but other then that they believe he is completely healthy. My child's Heath is my first concern. Next, I would never pressure my hubby into anything he didn't want to do. But we have always had a very inmate relationship and for it just to stop, it hurts. I know he isn't rejecting me and he is worried.
    Hoping for the best for your LO.
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  • skruhminskruhmin member
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  • soxfan9968soxfan9968 member
    edited December 2015
    @kynbar5 lol! I didn't even spot him until you mentioned him!! You've got it bad! Lol

    Edit: ugh I can't spell.

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  • skruhminskruhmin member
    kynbar5 said:
    image
    That love tit was for the hottie in the 2nd row! ;) haha
    Horndog! (thanks for the giggle though)
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  • kynbar5kynbar5 member
    I could spot that man like Waldo in a very crowded room! ;)
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  • cmerriburycmerribury member
    Totally agree with the other ladies, OP. Try to put yourself in his shoes...being pressured into something that makes you uncomfortable (for legitimate reasons) would probably seriously upset you. I know it would me.

    @kynbar5, that is one gorgeous man...you do have it bad, though. ;)
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  • ecwkecwk member
    @PrimRoseMama your sex/cake analogy is on point. As usual!

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  • skruhminskruhmin member
    But mostly cake....after sex....after cake......after sex.  That's like a day spent in heaven.  Dammit why'd she mention the cake?!?
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  • GinnyBarretteGinnyBarrette member
    I wish my husband didn't want to have sex. I feel like a walrus!
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  • xxarlannaxxxxarlannaxx member
    I'd be more concerned with my baby's health and well being rather than sexual intercourse. Maybe you guys can do something that is a little less physical but still romantic like have a candle-lit dinner or something sweet & cute. Have him give you a back massage or cuddle and watch your favorite movie?
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  • groovylocksgroovylocks member
    wait op, are you bothered by the lack of sex or bothered by the fear of losing intimacy? Because they're very different. I think i said in my previous post that my dh REFUSES TO HAVE SEX because "there's a baby in there and she's just a baby! I don't want her knowledge of my existence to be about sex sounds" etc..

    And honestly i was ok with all of that, even in the midst of being VERY turned on my entire pregnancy, that was minor. What wasn't minor was a fear that my husband and i would grow apart. Because contrary to some opinions here, I actually believe sex IS an important part of a marriage. THE most important part? Of course not. But important? Yes. And when there are major changes in a couple's sex life, it can cause one or both partners to become paranoid and can create feelings of isolation and mistrust.

    If that's how you're feeling, trust your husband. That's what i've had to do. I've had to trust that he's being honest about his motivation and I've had to trust that this is absolutely temporary. That while our sex life will never be the same, it will come back. That he still finds me attractive and still loves me.

    Don't worry about that stuff. Your husband doesn't want to hurt your baby OR hurt you. I promise, that's what's going on here. He's being a good dad and this is a sign of his devotion to come. Embrace this as you choosing a really good partner. Don't pressure him and regain your intimacy with cuddles, hugs, long talks about your amazing future and other great things like that.
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  • blended10blended10 member
    Honestly I think it's a great sign of self-discipline to not engage in sex for the welfare of your child. I admire a person capable of that sort of unselfishness. It speaks volumes as to the type of father you can expect him to be. PP have given you great advice - I might encourage you to post on the dads board to get another perspective.
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  • MrsB915MrsB915 member
    My husband has been distant in regards to sex for a while and rather than bring it up I just bottled it up, thinking it was about me and the way I look.

    It was really bothering me and I couldn't take it anymore so I gently brought it up and we had an honest conversation about it. He said that he doesn't want to have sex because everytime we do something bad happens pregnancy related. Its not related but this is his perception. Our son was born early at 32 weeks two years ago. I had no idea that this whole time my husband had been carrying this guilt, thinking that he in some way caused it. He said he worried that the same thing would happen this time as I was in triage several days after having sex during thus pregnancy.

    So we agreed to refrain until I'm cleared after the baby is born. But I was honest about my needs as well. I told him that if it makes him feel safer that is fine but I need him to be more intimate in other ways, cuddling, talking, foot rubs, ect. I still miss sex but I understand that his motivations have nothing to do with me and are all about keeping our baby safe. If I make it to 38 weeks or more I may broach the subject but I'd never pressure him as I wouldn't want him to pressure me to do something I didn't want to do.
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  • groovylocksgroovylocks member
    Yeah... I felt bad when I did used to apply pressure. I mean all the noise we give guys when they pressure us and how it's part of this really damaging culture of entitlement men have over our bodies... And then the second we want sex and they don't, that standard changes. I felt bad pressuring him because I'd feel really violated if he did that to me. And he never has.
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