Mom in delivery room

Meg920 · December 2015

Last night we were out to dinner for my moms birthday. Right in the middle of dinner she announced that she wants to be in the room when I have my daughter.

First of all, why is this an appropriate dinner conversation?

Second, why are you telling me this when I'm almost 36 weeks pregnant?

And last, when I told you that I'm not comfortable with it, why the f did you not drop it? She even told me I couldn't have any cake until I agreed.

I am so irritated. This is my first child and I want to experience it with my husband. I don't want this to be a show and this is not her moment. Her moment will be when I'm done with labor.

Sorry for the rant, but I'm really upset about how this was handled. I understand why she would want to be there, but I feel like she is being completely rude.

BarrettJ89 · December 2015

She may (likely will) be upset, but you are the one holding all the cards. You get to make the rules. I would be extremely irritated if someone informed me, rather than asked me, if they could be in the room. It's extremely personal and you're obviously a bit vulnerable and exposed. If she pushes, even after you tell her no, tell the nurses. They are the best bouncers/security ever. They want happy Mamas! If you tell them that you only want your husband there, they WILL keep her out during delivery or until you give the Ok.

Edit: words are tough and my thumbs are too fat for this keyboard.

kmo8986 · December 2015

I made it very clear that I didn't want anyone at the hospital with us until we were ready, so it squashed this as ever being a thought for my mom. My sister in law had her mom, and then our mother in law thought that it was her right to be there too, so she ended up while in labor being bullied into my mother in law being there so it was me taking a stand that no one would be there.

I guess I would just say that it is your moment, with your new family and hurt feelings will have to get over it because how you want it is how it should be, no matter how it makes others feel (aside from maybe your husband)

kimber308 · December 2015

I'm a private person. I love my mom and MIL but there is no way either of them will be in the room. I've mentioned that it'll just be my husband, so I think they both know. Don't give in to this - it's one of the most important processes of your life and you get to make that decision. It's not like they'll never see the baby! It's just the beginning.

dragonfly321 · December 2015

Lurking-
these types of posts irritate the hell out of me. I hate self righteous, bossy people and I sympathize with you, OP. NOBODY has a right to say who's in the room with you except YOU. Your husband can't even make this decision. It's your vag and you have complete control of who gets to see what comes out of it and when.
I agree with PP, the nurses will be your BFF. You tell them what you want, and they will make sure it happens.
Sure... She'll be upset, but nothing should cloud YOUR moment of joy. Stand your ground, mama!

stephanienjer · December 2015

I have decided that my mom can be in my room--until it's time to push, and then she needs to be OUT.

At our childbirth class (held by the hospital,) we're told that we can discretely tell the nurses any concerns about getting someone out. They'll make it look like it's their rule, but get. them. out.

The hospital then has a hard and fast rule that for the first hour after birth, only mom and dad are allowed with baby.

You might talk to your OB ward, to see if they're willing to help you out.

Good luck.

Meg920 · December 2015

I will absolutely stand my ground. I just couldn't believe how the situation was handled. I have said before that it was just going to be my husband and I... So I'm not sure why she is so surprised. I told my dad about it, and he was pretty pissed lol. Mom and dad have been divorced for a long time but they get along really well. He even offered to call her. Ironically my moms best friend works in labor and deliver in the hospital where I'm delivering... Convenient

maureenmce · December 2015

OP - I totally feel you! My mom, who had never even mentioned coming down to visit after the baby was born at all, suddenly informed me, at 31 weeks, that she was going to be there for the birth. She and I have a... complicated relationship (she's a recovering alcoholic and bipolar among other issues), and we've never been especially close, so I was like wait, WHAT?

I told my husband that, just like we have been planning for months, it is just going to be the two of us and he can call my mom and have her come to the hospital *once the baby is born.* I am too stressed out and emotional to go ten rounds with her right now, and there's no way in hell I'm going to deal with her and her opinions while in labor ("epidurals harm the baby!" "baby monitors are a waste of money!" "If you have any caffeine your baby will have problems once it's born!")

And since she didn't ask or consult me about this in anyway, she just decided on her own, I am deciding on my own - not to give her any information about where/when to go until it's done with and the baby is here. Just remember you are in charge of who is there or isn't there and no one needs to even know that you're going into labor until it's done. Good luck!

lemomof5 · December 2015

I had this problem with my mom too. She was there when my sister had her baby (who was single) so she assumed she'd be there for mine, although she never brought it up to me. She just showed up at the hospital when I was pushing and came in the room. My husband got her out quickly with nurses help. She was so mad at me for a while. I felt it was something for just my DH and me.

ambercakes92 · December 2015

I understand where you're coming from, OP, and think you need to stand your ground! Birth is so personal and you reserve the right to say who will be present.

I'm having an opposite situation with my mom. I told her I might want her in the room with me and she was just like "uhhh". I've since changed my mind and only want baby's dad there, but it made me a little bummed that she wasn't jumping at the chance, especially when I hear about all these other moms trying to barge their way in.

BarrettJ89 · December 2015

My mom was in the room when my son was born. For her, it was a huge deal because her mom passed away long before my brother or I were born. I was really worried because she is a super overly emotional person and that was the last thing I wanted while pushing. She kept it together, I was drugged, and it all worked out. At the point of actual delivery, I didn't give a rat's ass who was looking, I just wanted that baby out. Lol
Sounds like you have the right idea though. Try and make it known before the hospital (again), so she isn't shocked when she gets there and the nurses tell her she's not allowed in the room... That might make it a little easier on you both. You're sticking to your word, not making up something new.

scornwell717 · December 2015

This would irritate the crap out of me! I don't want my mom in the room and I was scared to tell her at first because I didn't want to make her sad...but thankfully we were on the same page cause she doesn't wanna be in there either! Even if she did want to be there, she'd respect my privacy. Your momma will love you no matter what, so just stand your ground and tell her she's gotta wait til after baby comes out!

Monilee1017 · December 2015

What I think is funny is how people's opinion on this changes once they have kids. My MIL didn't tell anyone in her family she was in labor until after my husband was born and she was ready for people to come up. But then when I was pregnant she needs to know as soon as something happened. I didn't care what people did or where they were when I had my baby, but I told them only DH would be in the room, ended up with CS. I was induced and my mom and MIL wanted to be there. I had to explain to them how long it takes for induced babies and how they will not miss anything. I was induced at 7pm and the both were at the hospital at 8am and stayed until the baby was born. My opinion is let people at the hospital but tell the nurses you only want DH in the room. Everyone else can wait in the waiting room.

stlmomof2 · December 2015

I wouldn't want any family member looking at my vagina during the delivery exception of DH...I mean it's a very personal experience for the mother and father and I don't think anyone has the right to just say "I'm going to be in the delivery room" no... No you're not.... Not with that attitude.

My SIL has expressed her feelings when I was 31 weeks about being in the OR. C section and vaginal delivery is different but I believe it can only be one other person in the OR at the hospital I'm delivering so... Guess who gets booted out?

ChrissyD1203 · December 2015

I totally agree with you OP. I only want my husband too. I love my mom but she's too emotional for me. She walked me down the aisle at my wedding and was literally screaming/crying/bawling - I was so embarrassed and it caused a huge fight. I've said early on only my husband and over the past 8 months she's made a few passive aggressive comments, but I won't be guilted into this!

Grace213 · December 2015

dragonfly321 said:
Lurking-
these types of posts irritate the hell out of me. I hate self righteous, bossy people and I sympathize with you, OP. NOBODY has a right to say who's in the room with you except YOU. Your husband can't even make this decision.

Ugh, exactly!!!!! My mom was in the room for DD (partly because shes a nurse and I know has my best interest medically at heart and because hubs was too much of a little girl to cut the cord lol) Well hubs tried to tell me he doesnt want my mom in the room for #2. Yeah, no. I appreciate him telling me what he'd prefer but this baby is ripping out of MY body so it's my call.

YOUR call, mama! NOT your mamas!

MrsB915 · December 2015

I had son early and this topic never came up before I was in labor. When parents got to the hospital my mom had the nurse ask if I wanted her to come in. I was doing well with just husband and didn't want to risk stalling labor by adding a new element. I kinda regretted it later as she may have been able to help. This time around I mentioned that I might want her there during labor (just husband for ) pushing and she said it up to me, she'll do whatever I want. I haven't made up my mind yet but it will definitely just be my husband for pushing and the actual birth.

OP, I can't believe your mom had the nerve to declare that she was going to be present, especially after you'd already said you wanted just your husband there! I'm glad you're going to hold your ground!

missperky · December 2015

My mom did the exact thing during Thanksgiving dinner. She was there for DD'S birth, but this time I just want me and DH there. I told her she was babysitting DD and only DH would be there period. She was hurt, but I told her to deal with it. Fortunately I just found out my birth center only allows one birth partner in the room.
Just be firm with her.

cawalp · December 2015

Husband will be the only one in the room, period. This became known pretty much as soon as we announced the pregnancy because my sister wanted me in the room for her first delivery and my mom wiggled her way in and I was the one that ended up getting kicked out for the birth. I was furious and so was my sister but she acted like it was her right.
It's definitely the mother-to-be's choice no matter what. If they have a problem with it, then I'd just tell them that they won't get a call until after baby is born if they are going to be that stubborn.

Hipshaker · December 2015

I'm not telling any one I'm honing into labor. Dh will obviously know lol. But there will no calls except to announce lo's arrival after the golden hour. My hospital too has a strict golden hour rule.

Cricket99 · December 2015

This is why I am thankful that we live in another country 6,000 miles away from our families. Not that I'm worried that any of them would try to force their way in when I'm in active labor, but because I want a little bit of time to recoup my wits after giving birth. I don't want anyone but DH and our doula in there for a while after LO arrives. Besides, the firsts few days is all whipping out boob to do trial and error with breastfeeding. I know my dad doesn't want to see that. We have nicely scheduled everyone to come visit us after the birth with the first people arriving at least a week after LO gets here

ahayleyq · December 2015

I really appreciate this thread! My mom was not a happy camper when I told her that she wasn't invited in for the actual pushing part. It's hard not to get get trapped by guilt!

JanMarMay · December 2015

My MIL pulled this s* with me during my baby shower. Made a big fuss in front of 20 ladies about how she demanded to be there and how i was being unreasonable by not including her in the delivery (after grilling me about where she could sit when I was in labor), then spent the rest of the party pouting and glaring at me. She then proceeded to spend the next two days texting my husband LONG ranting texts about how horrible we are (we're quiet professional nerds with zero drama in our lives) and how selfish we are being. We were able to say "this behavior is exactly why we don't want you there". Her husband talked sense in to her and now she understands (kind of) and is backing off). She never addressed me directly, just ranted to my mom about me.

The problem is that now I don't want to include her at all in any part of baby's first days. I am mad that she was so mean to my husband, so selfish, and so much more concerned with what she wants rather than what I want or what is best for baby. Not sure how to get over this with just 5 weeks left... do I bring this up with her or pretend it didn't happen?

rsstout · December 2015

I was very specific with my first that I just wanted it to be me and my hubby. My mom was bummed, but she understood and my MIL never mentioned it. Everyone was at the hospital with us while I was in labor and they hung out in the room, but when it was time to push, they got booted out. This time it was pretty much implied that it would be the same way. I am a private person and certainly don't want everyone looking at my goods. Hubby and I made this baby without help, and we will bring this baby into the world without help. LOL! i am sorry that your mother handled the situation the way she did. That was definitely uncalled for and could have been handled much better than it was. hold your ground and do what YOU want. She will be upset, but if she really cares, she will get over it. Good luck!

Soon2bStaff · December 2015

DH and I wanted to experience DD's birth just the two of us. We didn't know what to expect and I felt like a room full of people would just stress me out... even before pushing started. We stopped by each parent's homes the night of induction and then we went to the hospital. It was DH and I from 8pm through the night until 8pm the next night. His family and my family came to say hello to DD after delivery and then they left for the night. Looking back, I wouldn't have cared if people were in our room the morning of DD's birth but I'm glad we did what we did. Again, we didn't know what to expect so who knew I would labor so long! Leading up to delivery, my mom made comments to people like, "they don't want us in the room" but I don't think it was malicious by any means.. I just think she was hurt/disappointed and didn't know how else to respond to people asking her a sensitive question. I know she wanted to be in there but again, this was DH and I's decision and I'm glad I was able to relax throughout labor pain and not entertain visitors.

ETA: I was totally lurking and forgot I wasn't in my month board before I posted. Hi from F16!

Good luck either way!

mesamyt · December 2015

Withholding cake from a pregnant woman?! What a douche.

My MIL tried to pull crap like this. She announced that she was going to be my plus one in the room with me during my c-section. She felt it was her right since this is more than likely her last grandchild. Yeah. That didn't fly with me or my husband. We have refused to tell her when our section date is or which hospital we will be at. The joke is on her though. My doctor thinks I will go naturally before my section date. And we won't tell her if/when we do either. She can come out (maybe) after I have LO as we have previously told her. I'm still on the fence after their last visit.

EvaD84 · December 2015

I would just say "mum, when is the last time you saw my vagina? Well its changed now and only 1 person sees it and thats the person who'll be there allowed to see it on the day besides the dr"....

Its so inappropriate for mums/mils to think they can be in a room while ur delivering ad stare at ur vagina

ByeByeSpotts · December 2015

At first my husband didn't want anyone else in the room but the two of us. after thinking it through we decided to have my mom be in the room. She's been to almost all of our appts with us and honestly whenever I don't feel good, I want my mom.

We were talking to my mom about it and I was telling her how her and my husband have to leave the room when I get my epidural (hospital's rule) and my mom says "who says you're getting an epidural?" And I responded "who said I'm not?!"

Lol, ugh my mom. In fairness I was 3 weeks late and my mom was in labor with me for 3 days with contractions that lasted for MINUTES not seconds, so she has no sympathy for me lol.

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