Donor Sperm

lizzer811 · November 2015

Completely new to this entire process - can anyone help me with the extremely difficult decision of possibly using donor sperm? My husband and I attempted one round of IVF and were unsuccessful and due to his unique condition, we will most likely not try IVF again due to procedures we would both need to go through + financially it is not in the cards. Donor sperm is an option and we just really need any advice, thoughts, opinions - anything that will help make this process a little easier. It has rocked both of us, and we are struggling with what to do.

smdrodgers · November 2015

Well #1, I'm so sorry you are in this position now, it definitely takes an adjustment period to get used to the idea. DH has azoospermia (due to childhood cancer) and we have had years to get used to what that means.

I would suggest you look at your RE office's website to see what sperm banks they recommend. Ours had about 4 they preferred, we happened to pick our bank from the list prior to meeting the RE. Different REs suggest different vials of sperm for IUI (which is what I assume you will be doing vs IVF), versus just the standard IUI vials (there is a ton of information on this, and of course your RE can help as well). Look at lots of different websites, it's amazing the amount of information the banks provide, about both the bank and the donors. We started casually looking at donors we thought would be a good fit for what we wanted (someone who looked semi close to DH).

At the end of the day, we are really happy with the donor we picked, he allows contact with the child after they turn 18, so if they have questions it's a nice option. Also - one last note, our RE requires 3rd party reproduction counseling (just 1 session) which I did find helpful.

lizzer811 · November 2015

Thank you so much for your response. We have about 4 different banks to choose from. And yes I will be doing IUI. I have tried looking at information online, I have just found it to be so overwhelming, and it makes me super-emotional just knowing that the child will not biologically be my husbands. I know I should get past this, but it does leave me just sad and so indecisive. Did it take you awhile to come to this conclusion and decide to go this route rather than adoption? At first I was okay with it, and then it got a little harder to accept, and now I cannot even think of it without wanting to just run away from my thoughts. Is this normal? Thank you again for your response.

smdrodgers · November 2015

It is really overwhelming to look at the info sometimes, but I'm a researcher by nature, so it also makes me feel a little better. We looked into adoption as well, but it was important to my husband to try to get pregnant, he wanted us to have that experience. I think you are at a completely normal point, like I said, my husband and I have had years to process this, and sometimes I just don't want to think about it either. You both will come to a solution that works for you, it might be donor sperm, it might be adoption, maybe something else. My husband is actually much less bothered by not being biologically related to our future child than I am, I worry about them saying things like "you aren't my real dad." I do think the counseling that we did with the REs office was helpful, we specifically talked about 3rd party reproduction for about 90 minutes. Best of luck! Feel free to PM me if I can help, or you just need someone to listen!

itmusthavebeentheroses · November 2015

My husband has noa, so our only option was tese simulatneous with ivf, with donor back up. The tese ivf was successful, so we did not need the donor, however we still went through the emotional process of accepting that donor may be our only option and the process of choosing a donor. We used ccrb and were pretty happy with them. We were very overwhelmed by the enormous selection and did not know where to begin. We opted to pay extra for the service where we send them photos and our wish list and they sent us a short list of recommended donors. We wound up choosing their top suggestion.

It's natural to feel uncomfortable about the process. But it's important you and your husband work through it together. Once the baby is here, you will not love it any differently than a bio child. And from the child's eyes, you and your husband are the only parents he/she will ever know. Good luck!!!

peregrinefalconx · December 2015

I'm a donor egg recipient, so I get how difficult it is to know it's not "your" child. But it is. It's just genetics. Who raises that child makes the parent, not who provided the donation. There are therapists that specialize in this. I just saw one on Monday--she was great. She focuses on infertility. I had to meet with one at my clinic too. She was not helpful particularly.

Honestly, it takes a LOT of inner work to realize your issues, deal with them, your fears/hopes/dreams. As a PP said, it is overwhelming at the beginning. I thought about adoption, but I wanted control and at my and my husband's age, we didn't want to wait years. You and your husband may have different concerns that weigh heavily.

Nobody expects this stuff. But the desire to parent won out for me.

lizzer811 · December 2015

Thank you both so much for your responses! It means a lot to hear your experiences and thoughts on the process since it is SO overwhelming and emotional. I need to make an appointment for counseling sessions, I know it would help, just need to make the move. Thank you both again so, so much. Your shared experiences mean so much! It is definitely a lot to think of and in the end a baby is what we want more than anything, and we should be thankful to be able to have this opportunity, or creative way to have a baby, we just need to wrap our heads around it a little bit more. That's very true that no one expects this stuff - we certainly didn't, and living in a world where ALL of our friends are getting pregnant at the drop of a hat, it makes things even more difficult, and makes us realize how much we want it for ourselves. Definitely a lot to think about!

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