How is everyone with difficult MILs/mothers doing?

sardavbak · December 2015

I know there have been a couple threads about difficult MILs/mothers... just wondering how everyone is doing as we all approach our due dates (and some who have already delivered!) I was stressed about my MIL initially, but she was in town for Thanksgiving and I think she's finally accepted our wishes to spend the majority of the first day alone just my DH and I and our daughter, so I'm feeling much more relaxed now about delivery day! Hope everyone else has been able to get through to their families as well!

NellieHarringtonCarter · December 2015

Mine isn't that difficult, but we'll see how things go as we get closer to my due date (12/20).

A little vent about a super minor thing that isn't a big deal, but is a little irksome, probably because of hormones:

I didn't have a baby shower or anything this time around, being a STM expecting a second girl, but there are a few things I need, so I added them to various registries just in case anyone offered, to keep an eye on prices, and to take advantage of completion coupons. One thing was a Rock and Play Sleeper - the one I had for my daughter was ruined in storage, and now they have different patterns (most of which aren't fantastic), but I found one at Walmart in a great design that was actually on sale and cheaper than the others, so I registered for it and was going to buy it myself on Friday. Before I could, however, my MIL texts me and says that she heard that my family threw me a shower (they didn't; we just played a few shower games and my aunt got me some baby stuff at "Thank-mas Dinner") and that she wanted to buy me a Rock and Play Sleeper, and that she hoped no one else got me one. I told her "Nope, no one got me one, but I am registered for the one I want at Walmart.com, if you would still like to get it. And it's on sale!" And she said she would get it.

So I'm pretty excited about that Rock and Play Sleeper, since we can't afford a lot of new stuff this time around (everything else we have except for the car seat is left over from my first child, who is almost 6 now) and because we used it SO MUCH for our first, and I keep checking my registry to see if one was purchased yet. It hasn't been. Sure, she could've got it at the store, or could have gotten it online without going through my registry. But today I check and now it says that it is out of stock online. And it definitely wasn't out of stock online yesterday.

So I know this is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things and the best thing to do is let it go, but if she hasn't bought it yet, or bought one that I didn't want, I might be a little pissed, since I planned on buying it myself, but didn't because she really wanted to buy it for us. Trust me, I know that is minor compared to everyone else's MIL issues. And it might not even be a issue.

momotheflyinglemur · December 2015

My MIL is working on turning her dog room into a nursery, though every time she brings it up SO and I immediatley correct her and call it a playroom. We have little cousin's who will be using the room when they come over as well, so we are trying to make sure that she caters to all those little one's not just the grandbaby she has been obsessing over.

My mom threw a fit when I reminded(keyword) her that she and all my younger siblings would need to get their flu and tdap shots this season before meeting baby. Like I said REMINDED! But of course she conveniently didn't remember that conversation and tried to go on this whole prepared monologue how when she had my sister in December 15 years ago, she didn't follow her doctor's advice and get the shots and yet everyone involved was fine and alive today. I told her pretty much that I don't care if she was okey putting her infant daughter in danger, that I was not comfortable with it. I would respect whatever decision she made, but anyone without their flu and TDap shots would not be seeing baby IRL until they are three months old. It took her a couple days but she came around and her and my sibs are getting their shots this weekend.

dec15mum · December 2015

My SO's parents have been quiet recently thankfully. In fact, any time we visit they don't mention the baby they just talk about how the world is so against them and how me and SO have it so great etc etc....
Though my rule is no hospital vistors, people can visit me at home and I have a feeling they're not going to visit at all but wait until we visit them then complain about how we're keeping their only** grandchild away from them.

**they have 5 other grandchildren

LeggoxMyxPreggo · December 2015

I haven't had a problem with mil but my husband's parents are divorced and my father in law and that entire side of the family has ignored my existence for years. They didn't even come to my wedding. I wasn't upset about it but on thanksgiving I met him and the grandmother for thefirst time (it wasn't scheduled and I was already exhausted and wanted my bed by then).

I felt it was a trap at first. They were already planning on whisking me and baby away to their home in Jamaica this July and talking about me being there for all the other holidays. Its just excessive and heavy handed.... Hubby convinced me otherwise (though there are serious inheritance arguments going on on that side).

But today I get a call from an unknown number and it was my fil saying that since my husband won't go to them because I could go into labor any moment they wanted to come to us. Right this second. I feel like they're using me to get a hold of him since he has been ignoring them for a couple months now.

It seems silly but this sudden contact is making me uneasy. I've been around for 5 years. Why now? This may be his first grandchild but my husband has dozens of cousins with children. Why me? Why now? I really want them to just go back where they came from and leave me alone. Its not like we want the money.

I don't want my child or myself to become a pawn. Its making me extremely anxious.

groovylocks · December 2015

I am very lucky. I have a kind, giving and helpful mother in law. But since we've moved into our house, that has become overwhelming. They are at the house every day, uninvited, to do chores I don't want done. They even called a landscaping company to come and remove the trees in the back yard. Without my permission. Because "leaves are bad" - ignoring the fact that trees maintain value of the property and, you know, I WANT trees in my yard. These men showed up one day out of the blue and I politely explained that i am the homeowner and they cannot touch the trees. I apologized and they left.

My in laws have no sense of privacy and have, on several occasions, come into our house (they have keys) and WALKED INTO OUR BEDROOM without knocking. Not just my mother in law, my FATHER IN LAW has also done this. Luckily in every one of these situations (bedroom invasions have happened any time they can't find us anywhere else in the house) I've been clothed but my MIL walked in on my husband in the shower because why would we close our ensuite bathroom door when we're supposed to be alone in our room?

DH says "We'll just lock the bedroom door" and, yeah ok. But I don't like the idea of locks in my home. I shouldn't have to lock myself in my room to guarantee somebody isn't going to see an errant boob.

We've recently had more issues with MIL insisting that "newborns need blankets and pillows" and unlike the annoyance of being walked in on, i am RABID about this issue. Our plan for our newborn will be to lie her in her bassinet, and later her crib, on a fitted sheet in her fuzzy PJs, swaddled. That's it. But MIL "doesn't believe in it" and thinks that sleeping without a blanket is unhealthy. I have empathy with where she's coming from. She's an immigrant who had to really micromanage to make ends meet. In her mind, a child without a blanket is a sign of deprivation but we now know that newborns, OMG do NOT use blankets for fear of death. Her rationale is that her sons had blankets and they're alive.

The blanket issue keeps me up at night. If she is sitting, she may blanket my newborn. If she comes in uninvited (which we've established happens almost daily) she may blanket the baby without my knowledge.

It's hard to be firm with them because every motivation they have for entering our home and making changes without discussing them are helpful. Their hearts are in the right place. But i'm starting to get a wee bit frustrated.

spottedginger · December 2015

groovylocks said:
I am very lucky. I have a kind, giving and helpful mother in law. But since we've moved into our house, that has become overwhelming. They are at the house every day, uninvited, to do chores I don't want done. They even called a landscaping company to come and remove the trees in the back yard. Without my permission. Because "leaves are bad" - ignoring the fact that trees maintain value of the property and, you know, I WANT trees in my yard. These men showed up one day out of the blue and I politely explained that i am the homeowner and they cannot touch the trees. I apologized and they left.

My in laws have no sense of privacy and have, on several occasions, come into our house (they have keys) and WALKED INTO OUR BEDROOM without knocking. Not just my mother in law, my FATHER IN LAW has also done this. Luckily in every one of these situations (bedroom invasions have happened about four times since we moved in in October) I've been clothed but my MIL walked in on my husband in the shower because why would we close our ensuite bathroom door when we're supposed to be alone in our room?

DH says "We'll just lock the bedroom door" and, yeah ok. But I don't like the idea of locks in my home. I shouldn't have to lock myself in my room to guarantee somebody isn't going to see an errant boob.

We've recently had more issues with MIL insisting that "newborns need blankets and pillows" and unlike the annoyance of being walked in on, i am RABID about this issue. Our plan for our newborn will be to lie her in her bassinet, and later her crib, on a fitted sheet in her fuzzy PJs, swaddled. That's it. But MIL "doesn't believe in it" and thinks that sleeping without a blanket is unhealthy. I have empathy with where she's coming from. She's an immigrant who had to really micromanage to make ends meet. In her mind, a child without a blanket is a sign of deprivation but we now know that newborns, OMG do NOT use blankets for fear of death. Her rationale is that her sons had blankets and they're alive.

The blanket issue keeps me up at night. If she is sitting, she may blanket my newborn. If she comes in uninvited (which we've established happens almost daily) she may blanket the baby without my knowledge.

It's hard to be firm with them because every motivation they have for entering our home and making changes without discussing them are helpful. Their hearts are in the right place. But i'm starting to get a wee bit frustrated.

This is when I would change the locks and establish household boundaries (with my husband).

kristen2b · December 2015

spottedginger said:

groovylocks said:
I am very lucky. I have a kind, giving and helpful mother in law. But since we've moved into our house, that has become overwhelming. They are at the house every day, uninvited, to do chores I don't want done. They even called a landscaping company to come and remove the trees in the back yard. Without my permission. Because "leaves are bad" - ignoring the fact that trees maintain value of the property and, you know, I WANT trees in my yard. These men showed up one day out of the blue and I politely explained that i am the homeowner and they cannot touch the trees. I apologized and they left.

My in laws have no sense of privacy and have, on several occasions, come into our house (they have keys) and WALKED INTO OUR BEDROOM without knocking. Not just my mother in law, my FATHER IN LAW has also done this. Luckily in every one of these situations (bedroom invasions have happened about four times since we moved in in October) I've been clothed but my MIL walked in on my husband in the shower because why would we close our ensuite bathroom door when we're supposed to be alone in our room?

DH says "We'll just lock the bedroom door" and, yeah ok. But I don't like the idea of locks in my home. I shouldn't have to lock myself in my room to guarantee somebody isn't going to see an errant boob.

We've recently had more issues with MIL insisting that "newborns need blankets and pillows" and unlike the annoyance of being walked in on, i am RABID about this issue. Our plan for our newborn will be to lie her in her bassinet, and later her crib, on a fitted sheet in her fuzzy PJs, swaddled. That's it. But MIL "doesn't believe in it" and thinks that sleeping without a blanket is unhealthy. I have empathy with where she's coming from. She's an immigrant who had to really micromanage to make ends meet. In her mind, a child without a blanket is a sign of deprivation but we now know that newborns, OMG do NOT use blankets for fear of death. Her rationale is that her sons had blankets and they're alive.

The blanket issue keeps me up at night. If she is sitting, she may blanket my newborn. If she comes in uninvited (which we've established happens almost daily) she may blanket the baby without my knowledge.

It's hard to be firm with them because every motivation they have for entering our home and making changes without discussing them are helpful. Their hearts are in the right place. But i'm starting to get a wee bit frustrated.
This is when I would change the locks and establish household boundaries (with my husband).

Yes!! Omg. Nip that mess in the bud!! That is not ok. I would DIE if any member of our family just came in when they wanted. Keys are for emergencies only!

angbrienza · December 2015

groovylocks said:
I am very lucky. I have a kind, giving and helpful mother in law. But since we've moved into our house, that has become overwhelming. They are at the house every day, uninvited, to do chores I don't want done. They even called a landscaping company to come and remove the trees in the back yard. Without my permission. Because "leaves are bad" - ignoring the fact that trees maintain value of the property and, you know, I WANT trees in my yard. These men showed up one day out of the blue and I politely explained that i am the homeowner and they cannot touch the trees. I apologized and they left.

My in laws have no sense of privacy and have, on several occasions, come into our house (they have keys) and WALKED INTO OUR BEDROOM without knocking. Not just my mother in law, my FATHER IN LAW has also done this. Luckily in every one of these situations (bedroom invasions have happened any time they can't find us anywhere else in the house) I've been clothed but my MIL walked in on my husband in the shower because why would we close our ensuite bathroom door when we're supposed to be alone in our room?

DH says "We'll just lock the bedroom door" and, yeah ok. But I don't like the idea of locks in my home. I shouldn't have to lock myself in my room to guarantee somebody isn't going to see an errant boob.

We've recently had more issues with MIL insisting that "newborns need blankets and pillows" and unlike the annoyance of being walked in on, i am RABID about this issue. Our plan for our newborn will be to lie her in her bassinet, and later her crib, on a fitted sheet in her fuzzy PJs, swaddled. That's it. But MIL "doesn't believe in it" and thinks that sleeping without a blanket is unhealthy. I have empathy with where she's coming from. She's an immigrant who had to really micromanage to make ends meet. In her mind, a child without a blanket is a sign of deprivation but we now know that newborns, OMG do NOT use blankets for fear of death. Her rationale is that her sons had blankets and they're alive.

The blanket issue keeps me up at night. If she is sitting, she may blanket my newborn. If she comes in uninvited (which we've established happens almost daily) she may blanket the baby without my knowledge.

It's hard to be firm with them because every motivation they have for entering our home and making changes without discussing them are helpful. Their hearts are in the right place. But i'm starting to get a wee bit frustrated.

Oh my lord. This is a nightmare. You need to have a sit down with your husband and help him see how crazy this is. If he doesn't, and refuses to address the issue of them not believing in you have ANY privacy whatsoever, then you need to change the locks. This would make me want to move far far away from them, no matter how helpful they may be. You are a saint for dealing with this. Let me tell u!

taysun · December 2015

spottedginger said:

groovylocks said:
I am very lucky. I have a kind, giving and helpful mother in law. But since we've moved into our house, that has become overwhelming. They are at the house every day, uninvited, to do chores I don't want done. They even called a landscaping company to come and remove the trees in the back yard. Without my permission. Because "leaves are bad" - ignoring the fact that trees maintain value of the property and, you know, I WANT trees in my yard. These men showed up one day out of the blue and I politely explained that i am the homeowner and they cannot touch the trees. I apologized and they left.

My in laws have no sense of privacy and have, on several occasions, come into our house (they have keys) and WALKED INTO OUR BEDROOM without knocking. Not just my mother in law, my FATHER IN LAW has also done this. Luckily in every one of these situations (bedroom invasions have happened about four times since we moved in in October) I've been clothed but my MIL walked in on my husband in the shower because why would we close our ensuite bathroom door when we're supposed to be alone in our room?

DH says "We'll just lock the bedroom door" and, yeah ok. But I don't like the idea of locks in my home. I shouldn't have to lock myself in my room to guarantee somebody isn't going to see an errant boob.

We've recently had more issues with MIL insisting that "newborns need blankets and pillows" and unlike the annoyance of being walked in on, i am RABID about this issue. Our plan for our newborn will be to lie her in her bassinet, and later her crib, on a fitted sheet in her fuzzy PJs, swaddled. That's it. But MIL "doesn't believe in it" and thinks that sleeping without a blanket is unhealthy. I have empathy with where she's coming from. She's an immigrant who had to really micromanage to make ends meet. In her mind, a child without a blanket is a sign of deprivation but we now know that newborns, OMG do NOT use blankets for fear of death. Her rationale is that her sons had blankets and they're alive.

The blanket issue keeps me up at night. If she is sitting, she may blanket my newborn. If she comes in uninvited (which we've established happens almost daily) she may blanket the baby without my knowledge.

It's hard to be firm with them because every motivation they have for entering our home and making changes without discussing them are helpful. Their hearts are in the right place. But i'm starting to get a wee bit frustrated.
This is when I would change the locks and establish household boundaries (with my husband).

Yes I would change the locks and stash a spare key in a secret spot so if necessary they could get in if you ASKED them to.
Literally the first thing I did when we moved in was get the spare keys away from SO's grandmother who owns the house.

kepoole · December 2015

spottedginger said:

groovylocks said:
I am very lucky. I have a kind, giving and helpful mother in law. But since we've moved into our house, that has become overwhelming. They are at the house every day, uninvited, to do chores I don't want done. They even called a landscaping company to come and remove the trees in the back yard. Without my permission. Because "leaves are bad" - ignoring the fact that trees maintain value of the property and, you know, I WANT trees in my yard. These men showed up one day out of the blue and I politely explained that i am the homeowner and they cannot touch the trees. I apologized and they left.

My in laws have no sense of privacy and have, on several occasions, come into our house (they have keys) and WALKED INTO OUR BEDROOM without knocking. Not just my mother in law, my FATHER IN LAW has also done this. Luckily in every one of these situations (bedroom invasions have happened about four times since we moved in in October) I've been clothed but my MIL walked in on my husband in the shower because why would we close our ensuite bathroom door when we're supposed to be alone in our room?

DH says "We'll just lock the bedroom door" and, yeah ok. But I don't like the idea of locks in my home. I shouldn't have to lock myself in my room to guarantee somebody isn't going to see an errant boob.

We've recently had more issues with MIL insisting that "newborns need blankets and pillows" and unlike the annoyance of being walked in on, i am RABID about this issue. Our plan for our newborn will be to lie her in her bassinet, and later her crib, on a fitted sheet in her fuzzy PJs, swaddled. That's it. But MIL "doesn't believe in it" and thinks that sleeping without a blanket is unhealthy. I have empathy with where she's coming from. She's an immigrant who had to really micromanage to make ends meet. In her mind, a child without a blanket is a sign of deprivation but we now know that newborns, OMG do NOT use blankets for fear of death. Her rationale is that her sons had blankets and they're alive.

The blanket issue keeps me up at night. If she is sitting, she may blanket my newborn. If she comes in uninvited (which we've established happens almost daily) she may blanket the baby without my knowledge.

It's hard to be firm with them because every motivation they have for entering our home and making changes without discussing them are helpful. Their hearts are in the right place. But i'm starting to get a wee bit frustrated.
This is when I would change the locks and establish household boundaries (with my husband).

This. ^^ absolutely change the locks. Immediately. If they can't respect your privacy, that's irritating. But when it comes to the safety of your newborn, their feelings don't matter. They cannot come into your home and do these things!

redfallon · December 2015

@NellieHarringtonCarter said:

Mine isn't that difficult, but we'll see how things go as we get closer to my due date (12/20).

A little vent about a super minor thing that isn't a big deal, but is a little irksome, probably because of hormones:

I didn't have a baby shower or anything this time around, being a STM expecting a second girl, but there are a few things I need, so I added them to various registries just in case anyone offered, to keep an eye on prices, and to take advantage of completion coupons. One thing was a Rock and Play Sleeper - the one I had for my daughter was ruined in storage, and now they have different patterns (most of which aren't fantastic), but I found one at Walmart in a great design that was actually on sale and cheaper than the others, so I registered for it and was going to buy it myself on Friday. Before I could, however, my MIL texts me and says that she heard that my family threw me a shower (they didn't; we just played a few shower games and my aunt got me some baby stuff at "Thank-mas Dinner") and that she wanted to buy me a Rock and Play Sleeper, and that she hoped no one else got me one. I told her "Nope, no one got me one, but I am registered for the one I want at Walmart.com, if you would still like to get it. And it's on sale!" And she said she would get it.

So I'm pretty excited about that Rock and Play Sleeper, since we can't afford a lot of new stuff this time around (everything else we have except for the car seat is left over from my first child, who is almost 6 now) and because we used it SO MUCH for our first, and I keep checking my registry to see if one was purchased yet. It hasn't been. Sure, she could've got it at the store, or could have gotten it online without going through my registry. But today I check and now it says that it is out of stock online. And it definitely wasn't out of stock online yesterday.

So I know this is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things and the best thing to do is let it go, but if she hasn't bought it yet, or bought one that I didn't want, I might be a little pissed, since I planned on buying it myself, but didn't because she really wanted to buy it for us. Trust me, I know that is minor compared to everyone else's MIL issues. And it might not even be a issue.

It may not be a big deal, but it would piss me off, too.

blackpugmom · December 2015

Change the locks. Your husband needs to establish boundaries. This is not appropriate. The blankets is her problem and she cannot go against your wishes no matter what she did for her boys. Ask at the hospital if they have grandparent flyers about the new sleeping recommendations. Where I work we have them as many many grandparents are not used to the new recommendations and lots of new parents are having this same conflict. Best wishes! These people do not need to be letting themselves into your home. Especially if you are concerned they cannot respect your parenting. Stop this before it gets worse...of it will get worse.

preggoandglowing · December 2015

I've complained about my overly loving MIL a couple times on here. She's recently started back up now that I'm closer to due date. She just left me a voicemail earlier saying she misses me and wants to chat with me to see how I'm doing. I just spent an hour chatting with her in person on Thanksgiving because she insisted on sitting next to me.. that wasn't even a week ago!

kdoak2015 · December 2015

We had our girl on Monday and I have to say everyone really respected our wishes. We let everyone come visit and hold her at separate times and MIL was good about it all. I can't imagine anyone else there but my DH it was quite the experience.

ealiska · December 2015

Mine insisted we come over for dinner Saturday night and served sandwiches...with lunch meat...knowing I'm not supposed to eat that. And then proceeded to give my BIL's fiancé the same invite list of her friends (about 20...we only had 140 people at our wedding) but told her she could cut the list down if she wanted. Everyone on that list was MANDATORY for me. And yes, we paid for our own wedding.
I almost rage cried. Most of the time she's wonderful but there are also lots of times I want to hurt her with my words.

groovylocks · December 2015

Wow thanks everybody. I didn't think it was this big of a deal... i mean i did think it was but oddly, I'm a pretty laid back person by nature and i think i didn't realize that i have a right to be uptight about this. You know, because i should be gracious about all the things they're insisting on doing. I'd give them literature about the blankies too but both refuse to learn to read English beyond the very basics - and their spoken English is also spotty. So there is this massive language barrier between us (Yes their son too.. he doesn't speak much of their language anymore and they don't communicate with him any other way) and them. We are now trying to find a pediatrician that speaks their language too that can have a long sit-down with them. The problem is that they, and their son, my husband, are control freaks and get beyond panicked if they don't have their hands in everything. And reading all these responses and rereading what i wrote, I am starting to see a HUGE problem going forward. And finding a solid, reliable translator that is also a specialist is starting to look imperative.

My parents could be of some assistance but they live 3 hours away by air and in another country. I'm just so glad they'll be here for the first couple of weeks.

groovylocks · December 2015

Also i think I didn't realize how inappropriate this was becauase my own father will just stroll on in if he has keys. We live far from them now but i had to take away my parents keys a long time ago. I have never had anybody respect my personal space and I'm not used to asking for it. For years, my sister and I shared a room in a five bedroom house because "That's what sisters do". And i realize what a doormat I'm being and now i'm annoyed as hell.. I also am kind of realizing that I'm really weird about the personal space i DO get. I never thought much about the connection before.

So thank you everybody because i honestly expected some people to say "Oh don't look a gift horse in the mouth, they're helping you so let it go" and to see that 100% of responses think this is not ok is really great to hear. And really made me realize that "yeah, no, this is not ok with me"

kristen2b · December 2015

groovylocks said:

So thank you everybody because i honestly expected some people to say "Oh don't look a gift horse in the mouth, they're helping you so let it go" and to see that 100% of responses think this is not ok is really great to hear. And really made me realize that "yeah, no, this is not ok with me"

Girl no. Gift or no gift your home should be your sanctuary. And yours is certainly not! Hell your bedroom/bathroom isn't even your sanctuary! You have nowhere that you can escape! That's not cool at all!!

rmarie13 · December 2015

Take care of it now! Before we were married I moved in with DH. His parents have keys and one day mil called to ask if I was home bc she wanted to drop off some food. I had just left for an appointment so she said she'd let herself in and leave the food in the fridge. Well when I got home I found all of DH's clothes folded and ironed.... I left them hanging to dry along with a bunch of my bras and panties so I was mortified that she saw my "delicates". After some back and forth with DH he thanked his mom and told her while he appreciates it and knows she meant well, we think it's inappropriate that she does that.
It did take a while for him to see my point because we too are from different cultures. So, it might take some effort and a bit of arguing but it's worth it! Stand your ground and very clearly lay out what you want.

TomekiaB · December 2015

@groovylocks My husband moved to the US at 18yo from Ukraine and his parents came shortly after he did and I deal with a major language barrier and the cultural differences can be insane too. DH would not hesitate to give his family keys...but I thank my "lucky stars" we live out of state (and that they only will drive about 15 miles total now). Luckily the language barrier also means if my in-laws plan to travel--DH probably booked their flights. Anyway, I would definitely change the locks if DH has an issue with it stand your ground.

I also have made it very clear to DH that our child(ren)'s safety comes before anything or anyone else to include family. So, the family either respects my authority as a parent and safety decisions I make OR I will do whatever necessary to make sure my child is safe even if that is not allowing them to be alone or unsupervised with our child(ren). I am not generally a worrier or "over" protective but I will not ignore any threats to the safety of my child(ren). I wouldn't allow your MIL be alone with your daughter until your DD is old enough to be less at risk from the extra blankets.

RSB1982 · December 2015

I'm not that worried about my in-laws, they live several hours away but do plan on visiting after the baby is born to help us out. Over Thanksgiving I did get a little annoyed every time the sex of the baby came up. We are team green and having a surprise. My in-laws have four grandsons and no granddaughters. So as you can probably guess, they are super excited about the possibility that we may have a girl. I shouldn't let it get to me, but I just want to scream that we have no control over the sex of the baby! It makes me feel like they won't be excited if we have a boy. Anyway, just a little rant, nothing compared to what some of you are dealing with. I just wish I didn't have this added pressure! I doubt my husbands brother and sister will have anymore kids (they are several years older than us) so I think they feel like we are their last hope.

celainev · December 2015

groovylocks said:
I am very lucky. I have a kind, giving and helpful mother in law. But since we've moved into our house, that has become overwhelming. They are at the house every day, uninvited, to do chores I don't want done. They even called a landscaping company to come and remove the trees in the back yard. Without my permission. Because "leaves are bad" - ignoring the fact that trees maintain value of the property and, you know, I WANT trees in my yard. These men showed up one day out of the blue and I politely explained that i am the homeowner and they cannot touch the trees. I apologized and they left.

My in laws have no sense of privacy and have, on several occasions, come into our house (they have keys) and WALKED INTO OUR BEDROOM without knocking. Not just my mother in law, my FATHER IN LAW has also done this. Luckily in every one of these situations (bedroom invasions have happened any time they can't find us anywhere else in the house) I've been clothed but my MIL walked in on my husband in the shower because why would we close our ensuite bathroom door when we're supposed to be alone in our room?

DH says "We'll just lock the bedroom door" and, yeah ok. But I don't like the idea of locks in my home. I shouldn't have to lock myself in my room to guarantee somebody isn't going to see an errant boob.

We've recently had more issues with MIL insisting that "newborns need blankets and pillows" and unlike the annoyance of being walked in on, i am RABID about this issue. Our plan for our newborn will be to lie her in her bassinet, and later her crib, on a fitted sheet in her fuzzy PJs, swaddled. That's it. But MIL "doesn't believe in it" and thinks that sleeping without a blanket is unhealthy. I have empathy with where she's coming from. She's an immigrant who had to really micromanage to make ends meet. In her mind, a child without a blanket is a sign of deprivation but we now know that newborns, OMG do NOT use blankets for fear of death. Her rationale is that her sons had blankets and they're alive.

The blanket issue keeps me up at night. If she is sitting, she may blanket my newborn. If she comes in uninvited (which we've established happens almost daily) she may blanket the baby without my knowledge.

It's hard to be firm with them because every motivation they have for entering our home and making changes without discussing them are helpful. Their hearts are in the right place. But i'm starting to get a wee bit frustrated.

Change the locks!!

I have a similar problem but with my grandparents. We live in my parent's old house, but they moved out a few weeks ago. We live in farmland and don't usually lock our doors during the day. My grandparents are used to walking into the house without knocking when it was my moms house. She never stopped that issue, even though it did bother her. Now that my parents have moved out, my grandparents have continued to walk in without knocking. It bothers me because I don't want to lock my front door, because if my parents or siblings come over, they knock, and I call for them to come in. The front door is down a flight of steps and I am too lazy to walk up and down all the time. Now I have to lock my door to keep the crazy seniors out. And when I lock my door, I get a phone call from my grandma making sure I'm alive and asking me silly questions. They also want a key to the house but I refuse.

My grandma also gave me a quilt for the nursery, which is nice, but I know she expects us to use it while baby is sleeping, which I will not.

Silly people!

samieranney · December 2015

I've gone out of my way to include my MIL when it comes to updates on my well being, I'll go to my doctors appointments and cue her in on how I've been feeling and she ALWAYS flys off the handle and believes I'm in impending danger.
From my kidney stones in early pregnancy, my uti, and then my recent nausea and vomiting.
Here's an example:
I'm 39 weeks pregnant now.. she texts and calls me about 5-7 or more times a day to ask how I am,(not an exaggeration..questions are; if I've had contractions, if the baby is moving, if I feel ok and then asks if I need her here at my home.
On the weeks I would have an appointment she would insist on taking me even after I've declined several times and THEN invite my hubbys sister along to my appointments too without my permission ... It's like there is two of them.
Mind you I ask them both to sit in the waiting room out of fear of losing any more of my privacy.
So I have recently received just a bit of information about my dilation and here is where the freak out begins she gets highly disappointed, asks me to get checked again because "that doesn't sound right" thinks I'm not receiving proper care, asks me if I'm having contractions which I will say "yes, but only BH nothing painful, I feel fine" she calls my hubby gets him worked up and scared so that he drives all the way into town from work saying "my mom said you were in pain and dilated" and then she calls her friend who works in OB to tell her and exaggerated the story and insists for days and days after to go get checked out even at the slightest little twinge all because she is so impatient to meet the baby.

There have been several occasions where she had even misspoke and called my son "our baby" as if she had created him herself. It freaks me out!
No matter how many times I have blatantly asked her to calm down and stop there have been no signs of her backing off.
From silly excuses to stop by my house, to asking me every 5 mins if I'm ok, getting her family members worked up like I'm in danger and even my own husband when it is my job to notify him when there is an update with me and his son.
It's gone as far as her speaking even to my mother saying that she would like to be apart of her grandsons life just like she was with her first grandson (who lived with her) NOT GUNNA HAPPEN. She's delusional to even say that my son when he is a newborn can go stay the night at her house.. Her house that is full of dog and cat hair and a loud crazy older grandson that the mother never keeps an eye on.
I understand partially because her daughter has always been very dependent even with her other grandson but how do I get her to understand me and my SO have a life together and she has got to stop thinking she is going to be taking care of my child for me!
Now if I can just keep her out of the delivery room! She honestly thinks she needs to be there... How can I be any more rude to get her to back off?!

groovylocks · December 2015

I think, @samieranney, there are a few lines of defense here. Does your L&D ward do bodyguard duty? I was amazed to find out ours does! So you give them a list of people who are admitted to the delivery room while you're pushing and they bounce unwanted guests from the room, doing the dirty work for you.

If you want to explain beforehand why you're doing this, be honest and say "Look. I don't want people looking at my private parts, even if there IS a baby coming out of them." and follow it up with discussing how this is a special moment for parents and while you love them and want them to share in things that come after, this moment is special. It's something mom and dad will only get to do once (with this child) and for you, it's a private thing.

And it's about you. Don't let anybody else make it about them.

Itllbeokay · December 2015

I'm an 18 year old. My daughter's father and I are not together, so I refer to her as the paternal grandmother. She lives only seven minutes away and is always asking if I have thought to buy various items, as though I'm incompetent and can't raise my own child. PG has insisted on coming to all my appointments because that's what she has done with her other DILs. But I only want my mom coming. After making a huge deal about coming to my appts, she as only come to one and made me late. (The baby's dad still lives with her) and she has already told me she moved him to a bigger room with a crib so my infant daughter can have weekend stays without me during which I am breast feeding. When she found out I was pregnant she told me it wasn't my fault that the devil was using me to try and get to her family. I know she's trying to be nice, but my daughter does not need her to be the mom. That is my job. But she's constantly trying to double check everything I do. I checked with my hospital's regulations (since its a military hospital and we are not married) and explained them to her concerning their presence during labor and she called them afterwards and tried quoting the regulations for if her son and I were married. She wants to be allowed in my room, but I've already talked to the hospital about who is allowed in my room. And my own mom tells me I'm just fighting it because she never bothered to talk to me before and I should understand her intentions are good and not as I'm taking them, but she keeps talking and referring to my daughter as her baby which is not okay with me.

Hector33 · December 2015

RSB1982 said:
I'm not that worried about my in-laws, they live several hours away but do plan on visiting after the baby is born to help us out. Over Thanksgiving I did get a little annoyed every time the sex of the baby came up. We are team green and having a surprise. My in-laws have four grandsons and no granddaughters. So as you can probably guess, they are super excited about the possibility that we may have a girl. I shouldn't let it get to me, but I just want to scream that we have no control over the sex of the baby! It makes me feel like they won't be excited if we have a boy. Anyway, just a little rant, nothing compared to what some of you are dealing with. I just wish I didn't have this added pressure! I doubt my husbands brother and sister will have anymore kids (they are several years older than us).

My MIL did not even congratulate myself and DH when we told her that I was pregnant. Instead she said "Well just as long your happy, it had better be a girl!" then hung up the phone.

cdv2015 · December 2015

Still in the hospital from having my daughter via csection yesterday. FIL shows up, no big deal. My daughter starts showing signs of being hungry, so he tells me (FIL was holding her). He hands her to me and DOES NOT WALK AWAY. He just keeps making comments about her being hungry whIle remaining two feet away from me. Ummm... Can I have just a small amount of privacy, please? I don't feel comfortable just whipping my boob out in front of my husband's dad. DH finally sent him to get a drink from the vending machine.

MIL shares a picture of our daughter with the caption: "Little Miss (nickname)". DH and I have said numerous times she isn't going by a nickname, yet she insists. She also calls my middle child "Evilee" when her name is "Evvie" (short for Evelyn).

Small issues, but folks are testing my nerves.

redfallon · December 2015

@samieranney said:

I've gone out of my way to include my MIL when it comes to updates on my well being, I'll go to my doctors appointments and cue her in on how I've been feeling and she ALWAYS flys off the handle and believes I'm in impending danger. From my kidney stones in early pregnancy, my uti, and then my recent nausea and vomiting. Here's an example: I'm 39 weeks pregnant now.. she texts and calls me about 5-7 or more times a day to ask how I am,(not an exaggeration..questions are; if I've had contractions, if the baby is moving, if I feel ok and then asks if I need her here at my home. On the weeks I would have an appointment she would insist on taking me even after I've declined several times and THEN invite my hubbys sister along to my appointments too without my permission ... It's like there is two of them. Mind you I ask them both to sit in the waiting room out of fear of losing any more of my privacy. So I have recently received just a bit of information about my dilation and here is where the freak out begins she gets highly disappointed, asks me to get checked again because "that doesn't sound right" thinks I'm not receiving proper care, asks me if I'm having contractions which I will say "yes, but only BH nothing painful, I feel fine" she calls my hubby gets him worked up and scared so that he drives all the way into town from work saying "my mom said you were in pain and dilated" and then she calls her friend who works in OB to tell her and exaggerated the story and insists for days and days after to go get checked out even at the slightest little twinge all because she is so impatient to meet the baby. There have been several occasions where she had even misspoke and called my son "our baby" as if she had created him herself. It freaks me out! No matter how many times I have blatantly asked her to calm down and stop there have been no signs of her backing off. From silly excuses to stop by my house, to asking me every 5 mins if I'm ok, getting her family members worked up like I'm in danger and even my own husband when it is my job to notify him when there is an update with me and his son. It's gone as far as her speaking even to my mother saying that she would like to be apart of her grandsons life just like she was with her first grandson (who lived with her) NOT GUNNA HAPPEN. She's delusional to even say that my son when he is a newborn can go stay the night at her house.. Her house that is full of dog and cat hair and a loud crazy older grandson that the mother never keeps an eye on. I understand partially because her daughter has always been very dependent even with her other grandson but how do I get her to understand me and my SO have a life together and she has got to stop thinking she is going to be taking care of my child for me! Now if I can just keep her out of the delivery room! She honestly thinks she needs to be there... How can I be any more rude to get her to back off?!

This one is easy. Stop telling her when your appointments are. When she asks how you are doing, say fine. Don't tell her any specifics about BH or dilation or anything. She can't run with details if you don't give them to her.

groovylocks · December 2015

cdv2015 said:

He hands her to me and DOES NOT WALK AWAY. He just keeps making comments about her being hungry whIle remaining two feet away from me. Ummm... Can I have just a small amount of privacy, please? I don't feel comfortable just whipping my boob out in front of my husband's dad. DH finally sent him to get a drink from the vending machine.

Uhhh..... hm. I'm not trying to be That Guy but... that would weird me out. A lot. I have very invasive, boundary-issue inlaws too but I have faith that when it's time for the boob to make an appearance, the males at least will know enough to disappear..

groovylocks · December 2015

Itllbeokay said:

When she found out I was pregnant she told me it wasn't my fault that the devil was using me to try and get to her family.

Ask her how she's so sure that the devil wasn't using HER SON to try to get to YOUR family.

What a sexist monstrosity of a woman.. Shame on her.

groovylocks · December 2015

groovylocks said:

Itllbeokay said:

When she found out I was pregnant she told me it wasn't my fault that the devil was using me to try and get to her family.

Ask her how she's so sure that the devil wasn't using HER SON to try to get to YOUR family.

What a sexist monstrosity of a woman.. Shame on her.

No, you know what? I'm totally GIFing this lady..

blansaw · December 2015

So mine is a little backwards. It's my mother, and she blames getting the shingles when I had DD#1 because I was in labor for 33 hours and she stayed at the hospital the whole time.

So she told me that she will not be doing that again and will just stay at home and watch DD#1 while we are at the hospital.

Now we do need help with someone watching DD#1, but it hurt my feelings a bit that she was just so blunt and rude about not wanting to be there for this delivery. It wasn't like she volunteered to help,just she flat out used DD#1 as an excuse to not be at the hospital while I'm in labor. OUCH

cdv2015 · December 2015

groovylocks said:

cdv2015 said:

He hands her to me and DOES NOT WALK AWAY. He just keeps making comments about her being hungry whIle remaining two feet away from me. Ummm... Can I have just a small amount of privacy, please? I don't feel comfortable just whipping my boob out in front of my husband's dad. DH finally sent him to get a drink from the vending machine.

Uhhh..... hm. I'm not trying to be That Guy but... that would weird me out. A lot. I have very invasive, boundary-issue inlaws too but I have faith that when it's time for the boob to make an appearance, the males at least will know enough to disappear..

It doesn't help that I am "blessed abundantly" in that department before pregnancy, and stay a little self-conscious about it. It definitely creeped me out a little.

morganelizabeth23 · December 2015

My in-laws are more strange than anything else. They don't act that interested, and send short, concise emails with questions every few months. My FIL made a totally weird comment when we were camping around the 30 week mark that "there's something really sexy about a pregnant woman" and I had no idea what to say. Knowing him it was completely harmless (just tactless) but my husband quipped back with, "Dad, that's called a fetish." I almost snorted. My FIL is also the one who is always insisting we name her something "holiday" related - like Noel or Holly - which isn't going to happen. I've been nice about listening to his other name ideas, but I think he gets offended when we don't ABSOLUTELY LOVE his choices. Other than that my MIL's lack of interest is a little disconcerting, but it is their first grandchild, so who knows how they'll be once she's born.

My own parents are a mixed bag. My Dad I know will be an amazing Grandpa, because it's basically what he was born to be. He was a disconnected Dad, but he's always loved babies and is really good with them - he also loved playing with my brother and I when we were kids. My mom has been manic/neurotic my entire life, so nothing has changed there. 70% of what she does is out of love and the rest is totally nonsensical and anxiety driven. So one day she'll be really supportive and amazing, and another day she'll get angry over some tiny decision we've made about the baby. Like a few weeks ago she was applauding that I'd donated a lot of our things to make room for baby (we're in a 1 bedroom apartment so space is limited, thankfully the rooms are huge) and the next she's insisting that they bring down my brother's old bassinet because we'll "definitely need it" - when we already have rockers, a travel crib, and a billion other portable baby things that take up space.

It will be interesting navigating the life of baby ahead! Hopefully we don't pull our hair out all at once :P.

groovylocks · December 2015

Maybe I'm speaking from bad experience but now when men make comments about the sexiness of pregnancy, I get REALLY put out about it. I have only had one person make that comment - somebody i know at work - and at first it was just a lot of complements but it progressed and the attention got a bit out of control and crossed a few lines. It IS a fetish, I firmly believe that, and idk.. i just feel like nobody who isn't snaking on a preggo would say something like that.

So be careful.. it's flattering to know that our bloated bodies are still attractive to some people but preggo fetishists are really licentious.

I hope it was harmless and he's just cracking a bad joke.. I'm sure it was and i hate to assume the worst about people. I'm just coming fresh off of my own experience with the same thing - and it's embarrassing and upsetting and i'm quick to get defensive about the subject..

charleeziegler · December 2015

My MIL drivese crazy! This will be my second child. She doesn't even pay attention to my first son. This pregnancy she has never asked how ive been doing or how my appointments are going. Then she decideds to book a trip to the dominican Republic a week before I'm due. Doctor said possible induction on the 11th (they will be on vaca) my husband told her this on the phone last night and she said well we will be on vacation all annoyed. Like I have to wait for them to be home. I might even go before then I'm 3cm and 75%thinned and have been having contractions. I wanted to tell her why in the hell would you schedule a week vacation out of the country a week before I'm due and she knows I went early with my first child. It just annoys me. Don't make me feel guilty of something I have no control of. She has all winter to book a trip. Why do it a week before I'm do? Makes no sense. Oh well baby waits for no one!

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