Weird mix of feelings — The Bump
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Weird mix of feelings

Just a dump to get it out of my head. It's such a strange mix of feelings. I'm ashamed, embarrassed, sad and a little bit empty. The thought of having to tell everyone is exhausting, and I'm dreading how quickly I'll inevitably have to get back to normal. I have this urgency to get pregnant again, to restore what I already had going, but I know that's not ideal for me right now.

I get this knot in my stomach when I think of the other women I know enjoying the easy pregnancy I thought I'd have. I feel stupid for thinking this would be easy. I feel a bit broken, like this proves there is clearly something wrong with me and my first baby was a miracle, even though we didn't know it at the time. I worry that I will miscarry again and that will be it. I don't think I could go through it a 4th time, but I really don't want to be in that position.

I feel stupid. And then I feel stupid for feeling stupid. I know intellectually that none of these feelings or fears are based on anything. I know that this wasn't my fault. But somehow I can't believe that enough to make myself feel better. I hate that there was nothing I could do to have ended up in a different spot than I'm in now. I hate that the only thing I can do is accept it, because it is what it is and nothing I do can make me 11 weeks pregnant again right now.

I apologize for the dump, sometimes it's just helpful to write it all down so that it stops spinning around my head. I am sorry that you all are in this same position, but I am very grateful to have a place to go for advice and to know I'm not alone in this.

Re: Weird mix of feelings

  • I honestly can relate word for word. The word "stupid" has been running through my mind for weeks. Even though, logically, I know that's ridiculous.

    I feel stupid that I ever bought and wore maternity pants while it was still so early.

    Stupid for getting excited, stupid for thinking there was no way this would happen to me twice. Stupid for telling people.

    I feel a knot in my stomach when someone announces their pregnancy or I see a bump pic. I'm simultaneously happy for them while also thinking, "I hope your baby doesn't die." AWFUL, I know. And the cycle repeats and I beat myself up, then feel okay, then have a good cry.

    You're not alone and I'm sorry for your losses. Feel free to let it all out here.
    Watsonkd
  • Thanks :) you're not alone either, everything you said rings true here as well. It's somehow reassuring to know none of this is unique to me.
    silentP
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  • Yes, same here. All of it. I have felt it all, it hurts so much in general. I also felt a little silly thinking back that I got so excited (the second time around after mc). I bought button extenders and they arrived two days after my ultrasound (mmc). But to tell you the truth, I wouldn't do it differently. I want to be excited and positive again, I don't want to be jealous or bitter...it makes me sad.

    I hope that we get that same excitement again. We need to cherish the happy times. I don;t know what the future holds, but the journey is almost as important as the outcome. I wish you ladies the best of the best. I am scared with you, but we will get through this!

     
    ******TW******Siggy warning
    BFP1 04/24/2015 EDD Dec 2015 MMC 10W5d;
    BFP 2 09/25/2015 EDD June 2016 MMC 9wks; 
    BFP 3 03/22/2016 EDD Dec 6th 2016 

       Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker


    silentP
  • I also can relate to every single word. I feel stupid for ignoring my gut. I always felt like it wasn't going to be a viable pregnancy, I wish I would've pushed for my blood tests to make sure my hormone levels were doubling. I wish I would have waited til the first trimester screen to announce to family. I'm just sad.
    Age 39, H 38

    Married 8/15

    Pregnancy #1, MMC, D&C November/December 2015
    Pregnancy #2, Dx with Triploidy at 12 weeks, MMC, D&C May 2016
    Pregnancy #3 BFP 10/20/2016- EDD 7/01/2017
    DD was born on June 26, 2017
    Pregnancy #4 CP 4/2018
    Pregnancy #5 BFP 9/13/2018, EDD= 5/27/2019
    Watsonkd
  • Agreed. But it's so bizarre to feel like we should have done anything differently. I'm sure if we had, we'd all feel equally as broken by this outcome. That said, I agree wholeheartedly and already have started building the list of what I'll do differently next time. I just hope we are all able to get our perfect outcome the next time around.

    I don't get how my mind can play both sides of every issue, how I can know there was nothing I could have done to make this easier and at the same time be creating a list of ways that I plan to do just that. I swear this whole thing makes me feel a little bit nuts.
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