Friends Nonexistent

jene10e · November 2015

Has anyone's friends just seemed like they dropped off the face of the Earth once you had your baby? It seems like my friends have...
Makes me sad.

jwebbbber45678 · November 2015

I haven't seen my friends in quite some time. But I attribute it to several factors that made it difficult. Baby was so young and fussy in the first six weeks and we weren't sleeping and things were hard. Then we had a deluge of family from out of town coming in to visit and stay with us. To top it off it's been a pretty bad cold season around here and all my friends with kids have been staying away when their kids are sick and then I got sick for several weeks and didn't want to get their kids sick! I miss my friends and I'll be glad to start hanging out again soon once the last of the family leaves and people stop getting sick!

chelseajeanene · November 2015

Mine did once I got engaged, then more after the wedding so I had zero expectations after the baby got here. It's unfortunate but you learn who your true friends are in the end

mill1020 · November 2015

Yes. And you're right, it is somewhat sad. But the good news is that you'll probably eventually make many new friends when you meet other parents in your community (through preschool, parenting groups, etc.) Pretty much all of the friends I spend time with these days are the moms of my kids' friends.

monicaP · November 2015

I feel like people are always too nervous to call because they don't want to wake the baby and reluctant to invite you to things because they assume your plate is full. If there is a friend you are missing try reaching out and setting up a lunch or coffee.

imsoexcited915 · November 2015

2 of my closest friends are older and have been a bit distant. One in particular who I now live closer to since we moved I haven't heard from since Halloween. I did get a thanksgiving text yesterday about how cute LO is and we should get together etc but she hasn't made any real attempt. I've called and left messages but haven't heard back. The last time we were together she had recently applied for a new job which I was very excited and inquisitive about. I called and texted her asking specifically if she heard from them yet etc since I didn't want her to think all I can talk about is me or LO. It bothered me she never came to see me or baby in the hospital which I realize is 40 minutes from her and was over the long Labor Day weekend. And pretty positive she had no plans. I just know for sure I would have visited her had she just had her first baby! It took her a month before she came to meet LO and again now lives like 15 minutes away. It also bothers me that she's a graphic designer and never offered to make my shower invites (she's done that before) or even commented that my MIL did a good job and I never got an acknowledgement about receiving my baby announcement or about it even coming out nice. She's the creative one who does this sort of thing regularly so for sure I figured she'd at least have a comment. Another thing that bothered me was her gift to me for my baby shower. She went in with another friend and didn't spend a lot (a sheet set and a humidifier - and a regifted towel for like a 7 year old that I later found out when I went to return it was from target over 2 years ago and couldn't even been returned it was so old and out of their computer system - and likely from other friend with older kids but still) believe me I know it's not about the money spent at all but I just know I would have gone all out on a really nice gift for her. Or at least put some creativity into it. She told me she wanted to make the big letters for LO wall (which I told her I was excited about) once she was born and I revealed her name but never did. Maybe it's me reading into this a bit but I'm glad to vent it and I know I sound selfish but it's bothered me because I feel like I would have been a better friend to her and showed more interest if roles were reversed. I do know she wants to have kids for sure and is single and unable to meet anyone even doing online dating which bums her out and I think she realizes she's older and the reality of having kids is slipping away. Who knows. I will now reach out over weekend to try and get together and be a better friend. The reality that I'm realizing is that having a child does change things for you dramatically as far as time and personal interests etc but I know I will need to make an extra effort to my single childless friends to keep in touch etc.

LoveLee85 · November 2015

I had a few friends that started their families before me, and they are the ones who dropped me because I didn't have kids! Funny enough, they have since reached out and we are hanging out again now that I have a baby! Good thing I don't hold grudges.

ETA: I have several good friends with kids that still have made zero attempts to meet LO. He is almost 3 months old?! I'm shocked and a little butt hurt over it(trying not to be), but you find out who your real friends are I guess? I even sent them baby birth announcements in the mail and never heard a word from them. Weird. Their loss.

ForeverEverAfter · November 2015

With DD1 we drifted away from some friends, but became much closer to others (the ones who genuinely wanted to be a part of LO's life). We moved last year, and both commute to work, so we never made local friends. Our old friends call a few times a month, I text my BFF a few times a week (and sometimes all day). Other moms I meet that I'd like to be friends with are just as busy as me, so it's tough. I'm really active in 2 facebook groups, and know some of the others IRL, so that keeps me from feeling lonely.

I was a huge mess with DD1 when a close friend ditched me. I was really hurt and felt alone. We went from hanging out 6x a week and cooking together, to her only stopping by if she needed something. I've gotten better perspective since then. The good friends never really leave-you might talk less now, but they'll come around.

Kayciejoe56 · November 2015

We have a good group of friends who are all at different life stages. Some engaged, some married and some with kids. We are the third couple to have kids, and the first 2 couples never came to anything after their kids were born. I think everyone assumed we would be the same, so we did miss out on some invites in the first month or so. We started reaching out to everyone else to make plans, so that they knew we still wanted to be included, even with lo.

Now things are back to normal and we see everyone pretty regularly. We go to almost everything we are invited to and lo adjusts well to any situation. He sleeps great in restaurants, lets all our friends hold him and easily switches between bottle and breastfeeding depending on what's more convenient.

I think you should do some reaching out and see how it goes. I think most people try to give new parents space, assuming they have a lot going on. If you are ready to get out and socialize, or have people over, let them know.

jen83mn · November 2015

monicaP said:
I feel like people are always too nervous to call because they don't want to wake the baby and reluctant to invite you to things because they assume your plate is full. If there is a friend you are missing try reaching out and setting up a lunch or coffee.

Yes, this! My friends stopped inviting me to some things assuming I wouldn't be able to go (which in all reality I wouldn't since the events are later at night when I'm putting baby to bed), but sometimes it still makes me a little bummed out. Instead, I text them to make plans and they're always excited to hear from me and we plan lunch dates so we can catch up while my DH watches baby. And I just planned a girls' night out event for my birthday in January so I can see a live band with them like the old times while DH watches baby that night. I think when people hear how much work a newborn is they just assume you're too busy and don't want to bother you, so reach out to them instead.

jene10e · November 2015

Thank you for everyone's advice. I think I will reach out to my friends and see what happens. If they are my true friends, then things will be ok.
On a good note, my best friend of almost 16 years gets my daughter things and hangs out with us like no big deal. He's been so good to me, my husband and my family. Ya know, like what a friend is supposed to do.

cassandral56 · November 2015

During the time I was getting planning my wedding, I had 3 girls that I thought were my friends. Slowly but surely they worked there way out of my wedding. They couldn't find a dress, or they didn't make time to go and 2 weeks before my wedding I had to change my bridal party. My mom was my maid of honor, and my Uncles fiancé was my second. One girl said my wedding was the same day as her grandmothers funeral. The second girl tried to find a dress and I gave her an idea of what I wanted, but what she sent me wasn't what I asked her to look for. My original maid of honor...time was her excuse. Time got away from her. And I should have known when none of them came to help with looking for a wedding dress. I hoped they changed but they haven't. After my wedding I was nonexistent, I worked full time, and four months of our lives was taken into trying to buy our house. And I found out we were pregnant during those 4 months. I felt alone, and like I didn't have anyone. My husband who is 10 years older then me went through similar situations when he went through his first marriage. He expected this from my friends and tried to help me see. And it's better now, still don't talk to any of them like I did before my wedding. But I'm better, still getting there but hopefully in the future I can meet someone who has kids and understand.

MiromiM · November 2015

My and DH lives have not really changed that much since having our little ones. Who can say that? Super lame adults.

I haven't noticed my friends distancing themselves, however, we're in the process of moving across country in January so that might be why. I agree with reaching out to people. I never knew, before I had kids, how hard/stressful it would be so I felt bad calling them up and asking for their time or for them to hang out as often as we did.

TabulaRasa25 · December 2015

I'm probably the one who has fallen off the face of the Earth, because my plate IS full, between baby, buying a new house and getting ready to move, and a full-time graduate program. I sometimes feel stressed that I'm not keeping up with friends well, but it is what it is, and I know I'd feel MORE stressed if I were giving into the feeling of obligation to shoehorn socializing in when I really don't have the time to devote to it right now.

TabulaRasa25 · December 2015

Another thing is that due to our ages (I'm 37 and my husband is 43, and we are first-time parents), we have a number of peers that have reached our same age and either have much older kids or are childfree by choice, and I feel like those people aren't always going to be keen on hanging out while I deal with the near-constant needs of an infant at an age where they are long past that stage, or were never interested in it at all.

jene10e · December 2015

I heard the following and had to pass it along: You know who your true friends are when you move, get married, or have kids. Truer words have never been spoken.

chelseajeanene · December 2015

jene10e said:
I heard the following and had to pass it along: You know who your true friends are when you move, get married, or have kids. Truer words have never been spoken.

100% agreed

Friends Nonexistent

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