is it wrong to host my own baby shower?

ginakijewski · November 2015

I'm 31+4 and no one has stepped forward to throw me a baby shower! This is my 5th pregnancy but my first child...everyone says they can't wait for the shower but not even planned. Am I being ridiculous?

katymae08 · November 2015

Nope! I planned my first. We had a barbecue and had it coed and it was great! I didn't like the thought of someone footing the bill to throw it and then also taking all the gifts from people. Throw yourself a shower the way you want it. If that bothers someone, they don't have to attend.

cali1710 · November 2015

I agree I dont think its wrong! I think its crazy no one stepped up to do one! But keep in mind maybe they are throwing a surprise one and are really good at keeping it quiet!

ChrissyD1203 · November 2015

Other people might join in this thread and say it's bad etiquette, but if your attendees won't care then go for it. I like the co-ed BBQ idea. Make it more a party than a shower.

ambercakes92 · November 2015

I would be very uncomfortable doing it, because it is a gift-giving event and that is asking for presents in your honor. However, you know your audience. If they wouldn't bat an eye, then go ahead. I would personally just go without a shower.

nlwz123 · November 2015

I personally wouldn't.

Wicked4589 · November 2015

I wouldn't throw my own but maybe that's just me.

MrsB915 · November 2015

First let me say, I'm sorry for your losses and congratulations on you healthy pregnancy.

I don't think you should throw your own shower. A shower by definition is a gift giving event so throwing your own would be considered in poor taste.

As pp said, someone else may be throwing you a suprise shower. Otherwise, unfortunately this is something that you may not get. If you want to have a party to celebrate the baby I suggest a sip n see after the baby is born. Personally I'd plan it for a couple months after the baby is born and has had their first round of shots. A nice early spring BBQ or get together would be a great way to celebrate your new bundle of joy.

chineymachine · November 2015

While I personally think it's bad etiquette to throw your own shower, this absolutely sucks that no one has come forward to offer one for you! I think you could send out invitations for a "celebrate the new baby" party without mentioning a shower or registry or gifts and hopefully people will bring something to it.

fishsticks-n-custard · November 2015

If you go to the baby shower forum, there are actually a few threads on this (I know because I searched them in 2nd trimester because I was thinking of hosting my own). The general consensus was it was not etiquette to host your own; but you can do whatever you want to! Just know that it will rub some people the wrong way.

https://forums.thebump.com/categories/baby-showers

jeanbug12 · November 2015

It is pretty poor form to throw your own gift giving event. Maybe you could casually mention to the people who "can't wait for the shower" that there isn't one and someone will offer to throw you one.

stlmomof2 · November 2015

I don't see it as gift giving to "me" if I threw my own. The gifts go to the baby and are most likely exclusively baby items. I also am not understanding why it's ok for mothers to throw birthday parties for their LOs at the age of 1, 2, 3, etc. Isn't it kind of the same thing as throwing the baby shower except the fact that baby isn't born? Is there something I am missing here?

I am going to be STM and am not expecting a baby shower with this one and not going to throw my own... But I always like these types of events. Birthdays, baby showers, weddings....

makeshifwings · November 2015

I say do it! I don't understand this whole "bad etiquette" thing...a shower is a gift giving party no matter who throws it. Everyone knows that. It's about celebrating the new life that is coming into the world and helping the new parents prepare. I don't see how who is throwing the party should make any difference. I personally think it's tackier to hint around that you aren't having one so someone will offer than to throw your own.

zg49 · November 2015

If it was me, I'd wait and do a co-ed "come meet our baby" event after the baby is born. People will still want to bring gifts but it looks less tacky because you're also inviting them to meet the baby. That's just me though. As PP said, if you know your crowd won't be offended then go ahead and throw your own!

N1col3 · November 2015

I see nothing wrong with it. But hurry girl, you're getting low on time!

apinkpelican · November 2015

Is there an obvious person that you would assume would host? For me its my sister & mom. I would ask them if they know if anyone was planning a shower since a lot of people are asking.

kodariah · November 2015

I know my bestfriend had three pregnancies before she actually had a health happy baby and so the issue of her being pregnant became sensitive to alot of people so no one wanted to throw her a baby shower by baby three for that reason. Plus by her third pregnancy people assumed she already had alot of what she needed... If I were you I would plan a BBQ or something fun like that, not call it a shower per say and invite everyone to come help you celebrate the addition to your family.

jrouge12 · November 2015

I'm a stickler for etiquette but jeesh who are these friends that won't step up and throw you a shower?! Throw that barbecue. Celebrate your baby. If friends or family think it's rude then ignore it. I think it is also inconsiderate of people not to throw a shower.

lillianspencer15 · November 2015

Well seeing as how the shower you get stuff for the baby I would go ahead and throw your own. It's not like you are throwing your own birthday party. My mom wasn't sure if I wanted here to throw my baby shower so I mentioned to her my concern about no one throwing me a shower because I can't bring my self to throw my own and she offered maybe you could voice your concerns with someone you are close to and they will throw you a shower.

maureenmce · November 2015

OP - how have you responded to the people who say they can't wait for the shower? If you let them know there wasn't one being planned, I'm assuming one or more of them would step up and plan it? Sometimes people assume that family are planning the shower and if that's not the case, friends will happily step in, but they need to know one isn't happening otherwise.

My good friend offered at 27 weeks or so and said she would've offered to start planning it sooner, but she assumed my mom was throwing my shower.

Good luck and congrats on your pregnancy!

PedsIsHardcore · November 2015

My mom threw me a baby shower, but she didn't want to host it. We had close friends and family at a restaurant so everything was easy.

maddisonwallace · November 2015

Do it!!! People throw birthday parties all the time and no one gets their panties in a wad over bringing a present. I realize this isn't a birthday party, but *isn't* it...? Maybe a pre-birthday party?

you deserve one. Treat yo self.

MissMheMhe · November 2015

IMO, it is tack to throw a shower for yourself. But I do like the idea of a BBQ of some sort for family and friends to just get together and celebrate, either before or after, the coming of baby. No gifts necessary. If the reason you want a shower is for the gifts, then no, absolutely not.

Mommyduclos · November 2015

I had a similar situation with my first- I lived somewhere new and was away from people who would have obviously thrown me a shower. People kept asking and I was just honest and said as far as I was aware I wasn't having one. A couple very nice ladies stepped up and threw one for me. I wouldn't have thrown one for myself and I kind of side eye people that do, but still attend because I love babies and parties lol the only shower I didn't attend was one for a mama having her fourth girl and her last baby was still under 2! Seriously this woman didn't need it- she registered for a purse for herself and toys for her other kids. That one was too far for me.

stlmomof2 · November 2015

thegoudalife said:

jrouge12 said:
I'm a stickler for etiquette but jeesh who are these friends that won't step up and throw you a shower?! Throw that barbecue. Celebrate your baby. If friends or family think it's rude then ignore it. I think it is also inconsiderate of people not to throw a shower.
First, equating how someone values your friendship with parties and material things probably isn't going to bode well for said friendship in the future. The fact that no one has offered does not mean they are bad friends.

Showers are gifts given to the MTB, because throwing a gift giving event for yourself is tacky. Which is why others throw it for you. Throwing showers take time and money, of which her friends/family might not have much of. And even if they did, it's not OPs business as to what they do with their time or money.

Personally, I find it rude that women feel they deserve or are entitled to a shower soley because they chose to have a baby. It's not bad to want one but it's bad to assume that others are just chomping at the bit to host.

Gifts are given for the mother, to use for her child. The baby isn't slapping on the lotion by itself or changing into a new outfit after a blowout by itself. Hence, showers are to welcome women into motherhood.

In general, I feel like if you have to ask if something would be off putting, then it probably is.

Gifts are for the Baby. Like a birthday party for a 1 year old is for the 1 year old who cannot slap on lotion for himself yet. I see 21 year olds posting events on facebook for their 21st birthday (usually drinking fest) yet everyone wants to go to that one! They are all gift giving events in the long run.

Call me dumb but i'm not getting it still....

Wouldn't call friends bad if they aren't throwing you a shower but....

OP do what you please. If any of these "friends" don't want to go to a special event just because you're hosting it and no one else wanted to step up... You'll remember who they were.

claireloSC · November 2015

Most adults throwing their own birthday party are not expecting or asking for gifts. It's not really the same as having a registry. The social norm is if you're coming to the baby shower, you bring a gift. That's not true of adult birthdays, at least in my circle. We just all go out to dinner together and are simply spending time with the birthday guy or gal. It's reasonable to ask a friend to spend time with you - not to bring you presents. Do whatever you want, but that's why people think it's tacky. You're throwing a party for yourself where the price of admission is a gift. And, it's not just any gift, but you have a list of dozens of items you are asking people to buy for you. You're basically saying "hey come over, and bring me a present!" Many people find that tacky or rude.

Not sure why the WKs feel the need to step up here...OP asked for opinions and she has gotten them and no one has been rude.

ambercakes92 · November 2015

stlmomof2 said:

thegoudalife said:

jrouge12 said:
I'm a stickler for etiquette but jeesh who are these friends that won't step up and throw you a shower?! Throw that barbecue. Celebrate your baby. If friends or family think it's rude then ignore it. I think it is also inconsiderate of people not to throw a shower.
First, equating how someone values your friendship with parties and material things probably isn't going to bode well for said friendship in the future. The fact that no one has offered does not mean they are bad friends.

Showers are gifts given to the MTB, because throwing a gift giving event for yourself is tacky. Which is why others throw it for you. Throwing showers take time and money, of which her friends/family might not have much of. And even if they did, it's not OPs business as to what they do with their time or money.

Personally, I find it rude that women feel they deserve or are entitled to a shower soley because they chose to have a baby. It's not bad to want one but it's bad to assume that others are just chomping at the bit to host.

Gifts are given for the mother, to use for her child. The baby isn't slapping on the lotion by itself or changing into a new outfit after a blowout by itself. Hence, showers are to welcome women into motherhood.

In general, I feel like if you have to ask if something would be off putting, then it probably is.
Gifts are for the Baby. Like a birthday party for a 1 year old is for the 1 year old who cannot slap on lotion for himself yet. I see 21 year olds posting events on facebook for their 21st birthday (usually drinking fest) yet everyone wants to go to that one! They are all gift giving events in the long run.

Call me dumb but i'm not getting it still....

Wouldn't call friends bad if they aren't throwing you a shower but....

OP do what you please. If any of these "friends" don't want to go to a special event just because you're hosting it and no one else wanted to step up... You'll remember who they were.

The baby shower is very much so about giving the mother *functional* gifts FOR the baby -- clothes, diapers, and other items needed for baby's survival. You need to buy these items if people do not supply them for you.

A birthday party for a 1 year old is going to yield nonessential, "fun" items. These items are probably things the baby does not need, and that you would not be bothered to buy yourself because ultimately they are unnecessary. Do you see the difference?

And as for older birthdays, nobody brings a gift to a 21 year olds birthday party. Once you start getting older, you simply do not get gifts on a large scale because you can work and buy your own presents.

jrouge12 · November 2015

@thegoudalife I don't think I ever said the friends were bad. I'm just starting to not care about people throwing their own damn shower. There are worse things in the world than a woman who has suffered heartbreak after losing previous pregnancies wanting to have a shower. I'm over it. Let her celebrate her happiness without an Emily Post lecture.

I do think that if she has no friends or family that offered to step up and throw a shower that sucks and those friends are not that caring or empathetic. Why can't she throw a barbecue? Who really cares? Are you being invited?

I'm lucky enough to have had 2 parties thrown for me in honor of my baby. I feel blessed. I don't have a ton of money but would step up and throw a shower for a friend who wasn't as lucky. It wouldn't be pinterest worthy and I might serve pigs in a blanket.

As I said before, I am a stickler for etiquette. But I know it's ok to let things go too. Customs change over time. I think gender reveal parties are a waste of time and are just as rude as throwing your own shower but they are becoming normal. Ranting on a message board won't stop them.

ccoleeman · November 2015

@ambercakes92 I'm not 100% sure everyone gets the "purchase functional/essential gifts for mom" memo with the shower...maybe it's just me but 90% of my shower gifts were clothes, toys and books, many of which would fall under the non essential category (not that I'm not appreciative)

ambercakes92 · November 2015

ccoleeman said:
@ambercakes92 I'm not 100% sure everyone gets the "purchase functional/essential gifts for mom" memo with the shower...maybe it's just me but 90% of my shower gifts were clothes, toys and books, many of which would fall under the non essential category (not that I'm not appreciative)

I consider clothes to be essential and books can go either way, but I do see your point. I got all items that I would've bought myself had they not been purchased for me (aside from an 8-foot stuffed bear). I got mostly practical things like clothes, baby wipes, diapers, swaddles, baby swing, stroller/car seat, and teething toys.

fricktion · November 2015

I say yes it's wrong. You may as well just ask people to send you gifts! Showers are a form of a gift someone gives you.

FinePlacentaPie · November 2015

jrouge12 said:

@thegoudalife I don't think I ever said the friends were bad. I'm just starting to not care about people throwing their own damn shower. There are worse things in the world than a woman who has suffered heartbreak after losing previous pregnancies wanting to have a shower. I'm over it. Let her celebrate her happiness without an Emily Post lecture. I do think that if she has no friends or family that offered to step up and throw a shower that sucks and those friends are not that caring or empathetic. Why can't she throw a barbecue? Who really cares? Are you being invited? I'm lucky enough to have had 2 parties thrown for me in honor of my baby. I feel blessed. I don't have a ton of money but would step up and throw a shower for a friend who wasn't as lucky. It wouldn't be pinterest worthy and I might serve pigs in a blanket. As I said before, I am a stickler for etiquette. But I know it's ok to let things go too. Customs change over time. I think gender reveal parties are a waste of time and are just as rude as throwing your own shower but they are becoming normal. Ranting on a message board won't stop them.

Oh, so if a woman's friends or family aren't in a good financial place to throw her a party, they aren't caring? Cool.

jrouge12 · November 2015

@FinePlacentaPie There's no winning on this board. I'm sorry you took that so horribly. If I had a friend in a similar situation (and my financial situation sucks) I would save my best and throw her a freaking shower for $20 because I care a lot about my friends. Cool?

fricktion · November 2015

And it is terrible etiquette to throw yourself any type of birthday party and not state "no gifts". My husband and I have birthday parties at our house every year to celebrate with friends. We also do an annual Christmas party and we say no gifts for everything.

ginakijewski · November 2015

Nope...no obvious person to throw me a shoer. I live in Canada and ALL my side of family in USA...also lost mom in law a year ago.....

Rach8672 · November 2015

I say have a BBQ and invite your friends and call it a celebration of the new baby! I would just avoid doing a registry and I'm assuming most people who can afford to/ want to will bring you a gift to help prep for the new baby . I personally wouldn't find it tacky if my friend threw a party like this , on the other hand ... I'm not super judgemental . Go for it

jencook25 · November 2015

I haven't bothered to read most of the comments as I expect a lot of them will irk me!
I think go for it, and even more so after the ups and downs you would have been through! Yep, its gift giving. Just like engagement parties, weddings, birthdays and housewarming. All of which you organise for yourself. I see nothing wrong with it! If people dont want to give gifts on principal, they can still come and celebrate, while enjoying the food you've prepared for them! If it really offends them, they don't need to come!

ashleyfowee · November 2015

I would not host my own shower and I would majorly side eye a mom to be if I were invited to a shower thrown by herself. Would you throw your own wedding shower? As most have said, it's a gift giving event. These gifts aren't "for the baby!", they are for the new parents. Most items are essentials- bottles, clothes, blankets, etc. that the parents need for the baby. This is vastly different than a child's birthday when the child receives mostly non-essential fun items.

I agree that by asking the question you know some people will find it off putting. If you're ok with that, then go ahead.

Mommyduclos · November 2015

jencook25 said:
I haven't bothered to read most of the comments as I expect a lot of them will irk me!
I think go for it, and even more so after the ups and downs you would have been through! Yep, its gift giving. Just like engagement parties, weddings, birthdays and housewarming. All of which you organise for yourself. I see nothing wrong with it! If people dont want to give gifts on principal, they can still come and celebrate, while enjoying the food you've prepared for them! If it really offends them, they don't need to come!

Actually it don't see engagement parties or birthday parties (for adults) or house warmings as gift giving events. In fact I've thrown all of these and maybe gotten a gift or two, definitely not like a shower. A wedding is a gift giving event, however technically you are supposed to be invited by the couple or the bride's parents, not the couple themselves, though I wouldn't side eye a couple who invited me to their own wedding, but most formal wedding invites are not from the couple. Secondly the main purpose of a wedding is to see the couple get married the main purpose of a shower is to bring a gift, so why it is frowned upon is because it literally comes across as "buy us presents"

maddisonwallace · November 2015

Okay well she said that there's no one to throw her one so is she just supposed to not have one and miss out because she's displaced from friends and family?

maddisonwallace · November 2015

I'm getting really hormonal over this. Lol

is it wrong to host my own baby shower?

Re: is it wrong to host my own baby shower?

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