Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
Watsonkd
member
Weird mix of feelings
Watsonkd
member
Just a dump to get it out of my head. It's such a strange mix of feelings. I'm ashamed, embarrassed, sad and a little bit empty. The thought of having to tell everyone is exhausting, and I'm dreading how quickly I'll inevitably have to get back to normal. I have this urgency to get pregnant again, to restore what I already had going, but I know that's not ideal for me right now.
I get this knot in my stomach when I think of the other women I know enjoying the easy pregnancy I thought I'd have. I feel stupid for thinking this would be easy. I feel a bit broken, like this proves there is clearly something wrong with me and my first baby was a miracle, even though we didn't know it at the time. I worry that I will miscarry again and that will be it. I don't think I could go through it a 4th time, but I really don't want to be in that position.
I feel stupid. And then I feel stupid for feeling stupid. I know intellectually that none of these feelings or fears are based on anything. I know that this wasn't my fault. But somehow I can't believe that enough to make myself feel better. I hate that there was nothing I could do to have ended up in a different spot than I'm in now. I hate that the only thing I can do is accept it, because it is what it is and nothing I do can make me 11 weeks pregnant again right now.
I apologize for the dump, sometimes it's just helpful to write it all down so that it stops spinning around my head. I am sorry that you all are in this same position, but I am very grateful to have a place to go for advice and to know I'm not alone in this.
I get this knot in my stomach when I think of the other women I know enjoying the easy pregnancy I thought I'd have. I feel stupid for thinking this would be easy. I feel a bit broken, like this proves there is clearly something wrong with me and my first baby was a miracle, even though we didn't know it at the time. I worry that I will miscarry again and that will be it. I don't think I could go through it a 4th time, but I really don't want to be in that position.
I feel stupid. And then I feel stupid for feeling stupid. I know intellectually that none of these feelings or fears are based on anything. I know that this wasn't my fault. But somehow I can't believe that enough to make myself feel better. I hate that there was nothing I could do to have ended up in a different spot than I'm in now. I hate that the only thing I can do is accept it, because it is what it is and nothing I do can make me 11 weeks pregnant again right now.
I apologize for the dump, sometimes it's just helpful to write it all down so that it stops spinning around my head. I am sorry that you all are in this same position, but I am very grateful to have a place to go for advice and to know I'm not alone in this.
Re: Weird mix of feelings
I feel stupid that I ever bought and wore maternity pants while it was still so early.
Stupid for getting excited, stupid for thinking there was no way this would happen to me twice. Stupid for telling people.
I feel a knot in my stomach when someone announces their pregnancy or I see a bump pic. I'm simultaneously happy for them while also thinking, "I hope your baby doesn't die." AWFUL, I know. And the cycle repeats and I beat myself up, then feel okay, then have a good cry.
You're not alone and I'm sorry for your losses. Feel free to let it all out here.
BFP1 04/24/2015 EDD Dec 2015 MMC 10W5d;
BFP 2 09/25/2015 EDD June 2016 MMC 9wks;
BFP 3 03/22/2016 EDD Dec 6th 2016
I don't get how my mind can play both sides of every issue, how I can know there was nothing I could have done to make this easier and at the same time be creating a list of ways that I plan to do just that. I swear this whole thing makes me feel a little bit nuts.