New to board - seeking advice on in laws and private treatment

Izzle11 · November 2015

Hi to everyone.... My husband and I have even trying to conceive for over a year and have found out that he has low sperm count and some abnormalities. I also suffer from very irregular periods so I don't know if I'm ovulating regularly. We've just last week been for our first appointment at our hospital and at the moment my DH has one more sample to give and I'm off for several blood tests and a scan. We go for an appointment in February to find the results of all this. So we really are at the very beginning of what I suspect may be a long journey but I'm so happy that we've taken our first step. I was hoping to seek some advice on my in laws! We are very close the my DH's parents and they do so much for us and I love them to death. They've worked really hard all their life and are now financially very comfortable. They were also unable to have any more children after they had my DH so they understand how this is all feeling for us. They've offered from the beginning to help us if we choose to go private for any treatment though at the moment we are happy going through the NHS especially as we don't have any actual diagnose so to speak yet. But now they've found a private fertility clinic near us and without saying the exact words I know they would like us to go there now. I feel as though we're not at that point yet and if we can get help on the NHS then we should go down that route first. Our problem might be something simple, the waiting lists might not be long etc It's not that I don't feel a sense of urgency (I do the crying in the shower, the moments of despair and helplessness, the bargaining with a god I'm not even sure exists) because I desperately want to have children but am I being naive? Am I being ungrateful? My DH is on the same page as me but then are WE being naive. I just feel so new at all this. Thank you xx

BrightenMySky · November 2015

It sounds like you are in a different country, so I cannot speak to the private/NHS decision as I'm in the US. Waiting until February to get the results seems like a long time, but I think if you are both relatively young and ok waiting, it's fine to wait. Can you do some research into the private clinic to see if people are generally happy with treatment there and if they get good results? I am sorry I cannot be more helpful, but welcome and GL.

oxinfree · November 2015

Hi there! Interesting dilemma. My husbands family is also financially well off, and supported up a great deal in our costs the first few rounds of our treatment. It was difficult to take their help, but I think its hard for a parent to watch their child suffer in something so out of their/our control.

I mean, when push comes to shove, I think you have to honour what feels right for you! If going through the NHS as you call it, is what you'd like to do, you shouldn't feel pressured to do otherwise. That being said, I've had experiences in both Canada (public) and US (private) and I can tell you that once you do get going the treatment isn't comparable. I would take private any day over the public and the waiting and feeling like another cog in a machine. But again, that's just how I feel, and I can't say that's a shared sentiment because I'm sure others feel differently.

Ultimately, throughout your entire journey, you're going to have to make a lot of decisions that could easily go many different ways. In each of those circumstances you and your DH really need to band together and make the choice as a unit, and not let others' opinions or preferences alter your course!

I wish you much success. Big hugs to you! xo

Izzle11 · November 2015

I'm sorry, I should have been more specific about the NHS, I'm in the UK and it's our national health service so it's basically free health care which is funded through our taxes. Though in some cases such as fertility treatment its limited in regards to what you can have.
@BrightenMySky Thank you for your advice, I have looked into the private clinic and it appears to get a good success rate but equally I feel like I'm prepared to try the NHS first. We're only just into our 30s and though this may change with time I feel like there are so many people out there who have been trying and waiting for longer than us that I should wait my turn.
@oxinfree I have to confess I hadn't thought of how watching them see my DH struggle would affect them. Also I've been quite lucky in that so far I really like my doctor and I felt he was invested us but I guess time will tell. Thank you for sharing your experience with me, I can't tell you how comforting it is to feel like someone else has walked the same path. You've definitely given me some stuff to think about xx

Piperella · November 2015

Can you go to the private facility for an HSG to make sure your uterus and fallopian tubes are in good condition? The reason I say this is because no matter how long or often you try, there could be something physically stopping you from getting pregnant. My husband is from Scotland, so I understand the workings of NHS a tiny bit. Even though you feel young in your early 30s, some of us WISH we knew then what we know now. Your egss start to decrease in quality and in some cases, reserve in your early 30s. I'd try to get as many of the facts as quickly as possibly so you can educated decisions if you decide to slow the process down. There's a reason why there is a TTC after 35 group and those after 35 are considered advanced maternal age (high risk). Good luck to you and your husband as you make decisions. You are very fortunate to have a supportive family.

PCOSat25 · November 2015

I think this is an area many of us struggle with...knowing when to accept help that is offered. I am in the U.S. so all care is private (and often expensive). Multiple family members have offered DH and I financial assistance but we have not felt comfortable accepting help yet. Our strategy is to exhaust all the options that we can afford on our own and then accept help if we REALLY need it in the future. For me it would just put additional stress on the situation if I was wagering someone else's money in this process. I don't want to go there if I don't have to. But that is totally just me...

As for your specific situation if I were you I would probably be very concerned about time. It sounds like NHS moves very slowly. You just had all your tests and won't get results until February??? That is crazy talk!!! And it sounds like that hasn't even included BASIC infertility tests such as the HSG. How long will you have to wait for that? How long will you have to wait after a dx to start treatment? How long will you have to wait in between treatment cycles? Maybe you can reach out to some UK specific boards to answer these questions.

Before I even started treatment with my RE my OBGYN told me that the first major decline in a woman's fertility is at 21 (what???) and then the next major decline is at 30, 35 and so on. I understand that you might feel in your early thirties that you have tons of time but recognize that even with the speed of treatment that a private clinic provides it can take YEARS. DH and I are a year and a half in to treatment with meds, monitoring, IUI, etc.

If NHS is going to continue to be super slow for you I almost think accepting help and going private is a necessity.

dreamcatch-her · November 2015

I have irregular periods and was diagnosed with PCOS. With PCOS, you rarely ovulate, sometimes not at all. Although you may not be sure if you two are ready for the next steps yet, your chances with both of you having issues are pretty low to conceive. In my experience, I didn't have any other option than to start the treatments. Sometimes the treatments can take years before any results(pregnancy). So, it's just my personal opinion based on my experience to try right away. I really hope you guys find what is best for you. February seems like a long time to get results. GL!!

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