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Social Workers, DHS & CPS

briwuvsbribriwuvsbri member
in 3rd Trimester
Hello, I am currently 6 months pregnant and new to this forum. This will be my third child. I had my son when I was 15 (I am now 25) and I have partial custody of him; I was homeless from 15-21, so I did not have a choice. However, him and I have a close bond. We see one another about every other weekend and when I get my own place (live with family, at the moment) he will be moving in with me. My daughter, I had at age 21. She has severe autism. Her father and I were married, but I had to leave. I did my best to stick around for her, however the relationship between her dad and I was very toxic; physically and emotionally abusive. He is a wonderful father, though. Anyway, she has to live with him because of her disability... as all of her therepies, appointments and schooling are there. If anyone here knows anyone with severe autism, then you will understand how she cannot go back and forth between houses. She has forgotten who I am since she only remembers people whom she sees frequently, but I will never give up on her. Anyway, I am so flipping terrified that social services will take this baby away from me when he is born. My fiance is not concerned. I do not drink, do drugs, or even smoke. I do have a history of past abuse and some mental disorders from childhood neglect. I am doing a lot better, as I am a full-time student and plan on becoming a veterinarian assistant. I suppose one of my flaws is that I am too blunt and honest. I love my social worker and quite frankly, tell her everything. My fiance's brother use to live with us and he was a former meth junky; he moved out. Also, my fiance's dad is a legal marijuana grower and smokes in his room. We live in Oregon and it is legal here. My social worker and midwife know about all of this. My SW said that if my fiance's brother was still living with us, then she would unfortunately have to tell DHS. My fiance and I will be moving sometime next year. Am I over thinking? I am already so attached to this baby, it is insane. Thank you all and I apologize for the long first post. I am a mess. :-(
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Re: Social Workers, DHS & CPS

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  • GoogleMDGoogleMD member
    Agree with pp, CPs will ask the questions they need to ask to determine if the child is safe. You need to stop volunteerin information and giving them more to look into.
    If you haven't already yiu need to cut all ties with the meth using brother.
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  • JMarie1291JMarie1291 member
    edited November 2015
    If the home is unfit for a child they will take the baby. Is there laws in Oregon about being a legal grower with children's in home? With marijuana being legal in Oregon is it legal to be smoked under a roof with childern? Those are the questions you need to find answers to. Call anonymously to cps and ask. Given your history they are going to be watching you looking for red flags. Is it a clean home that is suitable for a newborn or are there obvious things that will give them reason your baby shouldn't be there. Working in a hospital and seeing moms having babies and expressing concerns of cps 90% of the time didn't take the newborn home. You don't have thoughts that your baby may not be going home with you because of cps unless there are real reasons why. get you and finances lifes pulled together and be confident the cps isn't going to even be a concern before baby even gets here. People don't think things like that unless there are actual real red flags reasons.
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  • briwuvsbribriwuvsbri member
    edited November 2015
    @groovylocks - Thank you for your honest reply. I feel the same way about marijuana, as I am also not against it; I just do not want it around my baby, or any of my kids for that matter (same with cigarettes.) The smoke terrifies me because of the increased risk of SIDS, along with other obvious reasons. I talked to my fiance tonight and he agrees that his father needs to smoke outside... sadly, him actually doing this is a long shot. The topic will be discussed with my FIL and we will make ourselves clear to him; the rest is in his hands, as we cannot control his actions. For the meth-head brother, he apparently has quit... but, that is not enough for me as actions speak louder than words. He still does not live in the house and quite frankly, with six people already under one roof, there is no more room for another. I reside with my fiance's grandparents, his father and uncle. I feel like an idiot for telling my social worker and midwife so much and I have learned my lesson. You are absolutely right in every way, shape and form. Thank you for opening my eyes up to it a little bit more; the realisation finally kicked in. No one has mentioned any concern about my unborn child's saftey (minus what I noted in the original post.) My FIL is also a former meth junky, however he thankfully got clean after a jail incident. I have a personal hatred for drugs, as both of my parents abandoned me because of them and I saw how they slowly allowed it to destroy their lives.
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  • briwuvsbribriwuvsbri member
    edited November 2015
    @GoogleMD - Yes, I agree 100%. Everything that groovylocks has stated is very true. Thank you both a lot for the much needed reality check.
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  • briwuvsbribriwuvsbri member
    edited November 2015
    @JMarie1291 - Our home itself is by no means unfit for a baby, or any child. It is full of love and everything that he (the baby) will ever need; supplies, food, shelter, etc. I plan on breastfeeding for the first year, which is a huge step for me as I did not BF my other two children due to feeling uncomfortable from past sexual abuse. However, I have a lot of support this time around and I am willing to give it a go. Anyway, that it is a different story. I am only concerned about all of this because of my running mouth. I need to stop telling the MW and SW my life story and everything inbetween. If CPS ever came over to my place, they would not find anything wrong; besides maybe the whole marijuana thing. Luckily, my fiance and I will be moving next year into our own place. Therefore, all or most of my fears will disappear. I am a worry-wort. I obsess and overthink things to the extreme. My mom just recently got diagnosed with terminal cancer, so I have kind of been on edge lately. With all of that said, I have nothing to hide. Our home is not the issue; it is mainly my big mouth. The previous posters are absolutely correct. I did this to myself.
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  • MercyC1130MercyC1130 member
    edited November 2015
    @JMarie1291 I don't think being concerned implies that something is wrong.

    As for the smoking, I would look into an air purifier. It won't solve the problem, but if the person smoking is refusing to do so outside, it may help.
    Also, yeah, brother has got to go. Doesn't mean there aren't ways that you all can help him, but you have bigger priorities now.

    Edit... Random double negative
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  • briwuvsbribriwuvsbri member
    edited November 2015
    @MercyC1130 - That is a wonderful idea, thank you! My baby will always come first, no questions asked.
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  • briwuvsbribriwuvsbri member
    edited November 2015
    @groovylocks - You are such a kind person and I sincerely appreciate all of your advice, thank you! :smiley:
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  • briwuvsbribriwuvsbri member
    edited November 2015
    @KonaCoffeeBean - His former meth addicted brother has not lived with us for many, many months. My FIL has been clean for quite a while and no longer associates with anyone who does meth, as he had a wake-up call in jail; plus, he would end up right back in jail if he continued to use (that or rehab.) However, he was never "fully" addicted. I know this because both of my parents were and they could not quit as easily as my FIL did. Both my BIL and FIL look way better, since they have gained weight and so forth. My BIL will not be moving back in and unfortunately, my fiance and I are stuck living here until we get our apartment; we are on a waiting list. Oh, and I forgot to mention that my BIL is definitely not around frequently.
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  • taysuntaysun member
    briwuvsbri said:

    @KonaCoffeeBean His former meth addicted brother has not lived with us for many, many months. My FIL has been clean for quite a while and no longer associates with anyone who does meth, as he had a wake-up call in jail; plus, he would end up right back in jail if he continued to use (that or rehab.) However, he was never "fully" addicted. I know this because both of my parents were and they could not quit as easily as my FIL did. Both my BIL and FIL look way better, since they have gained weight and so forth. My BIL will not be moving back in and unfortunately, my fiance and I are stuck living here until we get our apartment; we are on a waiting list. Oh, and I forgot to mention that my BIL is definitely not around frequently.

    It sounds like you're making a lot of excuses. It doesn't matter how easily your fiancé's father quit, he was still a user and I'm sure his criminal record is known to CPS.
    All of you could be the nicest most well equipped people, but that history is bound to make CPS want to keep an eye on the situation.
    I would focus on doing what you can to distance yourself from anyone that could be a red flag. Sit down with your social worker and discuss what plans you have to find other accommodation and show her that you are making a serious effort.
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  • briwuvsbribriwuvsbri member
    edited November 2015
    @taysun - Excuses? No, far from... but, I do not blame you for thinking that at all as you (or anyone on this forum) will never know the whole story. If CPS really wants to keep an eye on things, then so be it. There is nothing that I can do, until I am able to move out. My fiance and I are doing everything that we can. I am always honest with my social worker and she personally sees no problem with my FIL; it was my BIL that she was more concerned about. My SW knows that I am making a serious effort and she supports me completely. I apologize if I am coming off as rude, as that is not my intent and I do appreciate the advice. Thank you.
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  • briwuvsbribriwuvsbri member
    edited November 2015
    I would also like to note that my mother, who was just diagnosed with cancer this month, is a former meth user and has been clean for around 3 years now (she is an AA sponser and helps alcoholics/drug addicts.) She does not live with us, but I refuse to keep her from seeing her own grandson just because she used in the past. My father is a former meth user, as well (he attends meetings for support.) He lives across the country, however he has been clean for a long while; working on 2-3 years. I understand that I am going to probably get bashed for saying all of this, but I am not one to judge somebody due to their past. I understand that it is different within the eyes of the law, but we all make mistakes. None of us are saints; we all sin. The important thing is that we are willing to learn/change from those mistakes, and if not... then that is a different story. I use to be a heavy marijuana user and drank alcohol frequently. However, that is all in my past. To say that someone is a criminal because of having a vice is asinine to me. We all have vices; be it food, cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, or even something healthy like jogging. I do not know, maybe I just think this way because I have had a crappy past and am able to understand certain things a bit better than those who have had a fortunate life that was not broken with poor parental choices. I was homeless from 15-21 and that alone taught me a lot. Sure, my FIL and BIL are former meth users. They both quit. I would rather proudly say that then have to say the alternative, that they are still using. I am not trying to justify their wrong actions, but I do believe in giving people a second chance. If they do go back to using in the future, then what is done is done. They will no longer be a part of me or my family's life. Period. With that said, my fiance and I are going to have a serious talk with the FIL. If he refuses to take his marijuana smoking outside when the baby arrives, then there will be consequences for those actions. My BIL is not moving back in, no if ands or butts. Once again, I am expecting to get slammed hard for this comment.
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  • groovylocksgroovylocks member
    edited November 2015
    Damn you poor thing, you are surrounded by people with serious problems. I can see why it's hard to completely untangle them from your life and moreover, I don't know that you'd want to cut them off without contact or anything. I used to smoke pot and drink too, you're not alone. Obviously I don't smoke anything since getting pregnant and have only had the occasional glass of wine. Most situations like this are not black and white but lots of shades of gray and usually complicated. however, I do agree with pps that say CPS can't really look in depth to gray areas and will tend to focus on black and white empiricism. So things like "HIstorically, where we see any evidence of meth, we see evidence of neglect or abuse so if we see any evidence of it around or near a child's sphere of influence, we are going to be hyper-vigilent"

    If your social worker already knows this much of your history, I'd say "Look, given my history, I realize it could look bad on paper. Can you help me come up with a plan that will keep my child safe, my family together and still allow us to keep some contact with our recovering loved ones?" and I think such a statement will show her you're serious and will open dialogue for a really good strategy going forward.

    @KonaCoffeeBean you are the industry expert around these parts. Does this suggestion sound reasonable or is there another direction that is better?
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  • briwuvsbribriwuvsbri member
    @groovylocks - Yeah, I have sat down quite a few times with my SW and even keep close tabs with her that way she knows what is going on. She has never once stated anything about CPS, however she did mention DHS only if my BIL was still using and living with us. She has helped to sign my fiance and I up for an apartment waiting list, scheduled me an appointment to see a counselor about breastfeeding, given me phone numbers to help with baby supplies and other financial help inbetween. She even stated that after the baby is born that I can still keep in touch with her, if I would like. I think another reason of why I am also concerned about CPS is simply due to the fact of my two previous children not living with me; I said a bit about it in the original post. Maybe I am just over-reacting, I do not know? *Sigh*
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  • JMarie1291JMarie1291 member
    If your making all the right moves in all the right directions then you have nothing to worry about. Even though your past drags behind and your children aren't with you, you should be fine and are over reacting. If there's more to it and you have an CPS case that isn't closed they might pay a visit...but again as you say your doing all the right things they'll have no reason to take the baby. CPS deals with so many terrible cases a day they aren't going to waste the time if there's no flags. Even past cases with them they won't care as long as newborn is in no danger. States all have different laws....if baby comes out and were i live we drug test every infant (drug test for infants can show drug from the beginning of the pregnancy) if drugs found in baby CPS is immediately called in. I know alot of states do....do this now. You say you use to smoke marijuana and given family past not saying you do drugs or anything(but if you did in beginning of pregnancy...just so you know).... But marijuana even though its legal its still a drug....
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  • 4N6s4N6s member
    Move out :)
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  • briwuvsbribriwuvsbri member
    edited November 2015
    @JMarie1291 - Thank you! I am somewhat relieved that someone told me that I am over-reacting. My fiance believes so, too. I have personally never dealt with CPS before, well besides when I was around 5-years-old and they got called on my mom. Anyway, my MW and SW both know about my marijuana use; I did smoke while pregnant, but once I found out that I was, I quit. Here in Oregon, marijuana is not a big deal whatsoever. My MW even agrees that smoking cigarettes is far worse, however smoking anything is bad. They (MW & SW) are just very proud of me for quitting and I must say, that I am extremely proud of myself too. :smiley:
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  • briwuvsbribriwuvsbri member
    edited November 2015
    @4N6s - Yeah, that is what my fiance and I are waiting on. My social worker helped to put us both on an apartment waiting list. Other than that, we are pretty much stuck here until then.
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  • briwuvsbribriwuvsbri member
    edited December 2015
    Update: I talked to my MW today about my concerns with CPS. I told her that I was worried about my past marijuana use showing up in the babies first stool and she told me that they do not drug test the baby, unless the mother fails hers. She also noted that in the state of Oregon, CPS does not even bother with marijuana because it is legal; they would only take action if it was an illegal drug and even still, they give you options and try to help out the situation (if you fail to comply, then there is a problem.) The concern with my BIL/FIL is pretty much a "closed case," since the baby and I are in no harm. Anyway, talking to her today and opening up about my CPS worrys really helped a lot. Thank you ladies for your advice, much appreciated. :smile:
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