December 2015 Moms
VesperLove
member
Circumcision Question
VesperLove
member
(TL; DR at bottom if you don't feel like reading!)
Sorry, ladies. I feel like I've had so many questions the last few days. I don't mean to be a total AW. I know circumcision has come up a lot in previous months but as our due date approaches this is still a topic of conversation for me and my husband and I need some advice after a conversation we had last night. I'm not looking for debate on whether or not circumcision should or should not be done, which is why I'm going to omit our opinions/decisions and just focus on the situation and what I should do about it. I hope I'm still able to get my points across well.
Sorry, ladies. I feel like I've had so many questions the last few days. I don't mean to be a total AW. I know circumcision has come up a lot in previous months but as our due date approaches this is still a topic of conversation for me and my husband and I need some advice after a conversation we had last night. I'm not looking for debate on whether or not circumcision should or should not be done, which is why I'm going to omit our opinions/decisions and just focus on the situation and what I should do about it. I hope I'm still able to get my points across well.
So obviously circumcision is a big decision. As soon as we found out we were having a boy we obviously started discussing both options. For some reason I've always felt that my husband is better suited to make this decision and, while I do have an opinion on it, I've always felt comfortable deferring to him for the final choice. I guess I just felt that because he is a male and he had this decision made for him when he was a baby, and because he has dealt with the repercussions (for lack of a better word) of that decision, that he can relate to the pros and cons a bit more than I can and brings more to the table when it comes to decision making. So, I've told him from the beginning that I have an opinion (and I shared that opinion with him) but that I would back whatever decision he was most comfortable with.
Well last night at dinner he told me that he's not 100% sure yet but that thinks he's made a decision on what he wants to do ... and that decision is the opposite of the opinion/preference that I shared with him. Obviously I knew this would be a possibility but for some reason I just never expected it to actually happen that way (naivety I guess?).
Anyway, I asked him why he was leaning that way just to know what thought process he had gone through and all of his reasons were super vague. He mentioned this and that -- all sort of in passing -- and didn't provide any concrete reasons ... he just "felt" it was the right way to go. And for some reason, I'm struggling with this. I knew that our opinions might not match up but I didn't expect him, someone who has pushed to do research on SO many things the last few months, to not show up with concrete reasons for a big decision like this and to just base it on a feeling. But then again, I base a ton of my decisions on my gut/how I'm feeling so I can't blame him for doing that as well (that's exactly where my opinion/preference on circumcision came from too - simply how I feel about it rather than data).
So I guess my question is this. Do I just say okay since I've told him from the beginning I'll support whatever he wants to do? Do I ask for more solid reasons from him so I can feel a little better about it? I guess I just really didn't expect that we wouldn't see eye to eye on this particular decision. I'm still feeling weird that our opinions don't match on this and I'm not sure if I should just suck it up or pursue the conversation more.
TL; DR: I told DH from Day One that he could have the final say on the circumcision debate and now that he's made it (and our preferences don't match) I'm having a hard time accepting it. Wondering what to do.
TL; DR: I told DH from Day One that he could have the final say on the circumcision debate and now that he's made it (and our preferences don't match) I'm having a hard time accepting it. Wondering what to do.
Re: Circumcision Question
But since you've already told him he gets final say I'd say stick to your word.
See it the other way around, if you were having a daughter and there was a decision to be made over the vagina you'd be the one more informed - even if it is just a gut feeling- because you've got more experience in that department.
I hope you can work through it and see eye to eye on the choice that is made
I personally left it to my husband completely but we also shared the same views on the topic. Can you two sit down and do some research together? Maybe that would make it less confusing for the both of you.
I think I'm just feeling like if I bring it up with him again he is going to feel like I'm going against my word of just trusting his judgment and supporting his decision. But, while I do feel that I'm just going to go with him on this, I would like a little more information so I'll either be doing more research on my own or I'll find a way to bring it up again that doesn't sound like I'm trying to change his mind but rather just wrap my head around this other option a bit more.
I actually said the same exact thing to DH about circumcision and told him that it was ultimately up to him. We were asked at each appointment if we were going to circumcise and my doctor gave me her recommendation, then suggested that we YouTube it, do the research, and then come to a final decision. We did just that. Researched, watched YouTube, and researched again. We discussed how we each felt about it and why we felt that way. We were split on the decision, one to circumcise and one to not. Because each of us felt strongly one way, he made the final decision to not circumcise because he could not justify it to himself as medically necessary.
All of that being said, the difference between my situation and yours is that my husband gave me a firm and valid reason for why he wanted to proceed the way he did, and it doesn't sound like your husband has done this, at least not to the detail you need. I would need more information from him as well to be comfortable with whatever decision he made, especially if I was at odds with that decision. I think you should bring it up to your husband, let him know that you're still working this through in your mind, and ask him to elaborate more on why he's making the decision he is so that you can be more comfortable with it.
You don't want this to become problem down the road. Remind him that even though you want him to decide, you need more than just "a feeling."
My advise would be to uphold your promise. I can absolutely understand 100% that as PP have stated as a mans decision on their own body parts weights more. I do however (and can relate) that you have valid feelings that need concrete information to feel at peace with your acceptance. So I recommend you begin the conversation reiterating once again that you will support his decision, you just need him to take some time to articulate the reasons behind them aside from gut.
**super lurker - first post**
I also like so many others of you have left this decision up to my husband, but in the end we are on the same page. I think you do have to trust his decision since that's what you told him you would do... However, to me from reading your post I would probably be struggling more with it since he admitted he's not 100%. If me and DH were in the situation where he choose the opposite of what I was thinking but I knew he was 100% on board with his decision I would completely trust him no more questions asked, but it might be worth bringing up again just to put your mind at ease and if nothing else it might push him to be more confident in his decision.
But I also knew my DH had done little to no research on the cons of having the procedure done (or as to why we actually do circumcisions routinely in the U.S.). So, I told him I would back his choice if a) he did some research for both sides of the argument and b) watched a video of an infant being circumcised (and I wasn't asking him to watch one of the "shock value" ones - just a routine one).
After telling me for months that we would for sure do the procedure (and me saying that while I would have a hard time when they took him away for it and while it was healing, I would respect DH's choice - BUT he still had to watch the video and do his research). About a month ago, I asked him what he thought and if he'd looked any more into the research for both options. He said he had decided to leave our son intact (much to my surprise).
I don't know where you stand with it. I think it is fair to tell him that while you will stand by his choice you do need to know why the choice was made for you to be able to be ok with it. If he grumbles say you aren't backing out of anything but you just need to know the actual thought process behind his decision so you can feel 100% about your "mutual" decision. Sure - DH and DS are the ones with the equipment but you are the mother who has to be able to say she was happy and confident in the choice (one way or the other).
My brother and SIL have 3 boys and apparently they also had a hard time agreeing. My brother was adamant for circumcision and my SIL hated her babies in pain. So much so she's said for the first week or two of their lives she will not change a diaper and my brother has to do ALL the diaper changes because it upsets her to see the healing penis. So because of that i think it's important for you and your husband to come to a conclusion that you're both comfortable with and neither are compromising so one isn't resenting the other if there is an issue (with either outcome).
I'm saying this because I've asked him the questions you mentioned asking your husband like if he ever wished his parents made the opposite decision. And that was his response, he literally never put one thought to it and if he was missing out because of his lack of foreskin.
So yeah, I think socially it must depend on the guy or the family? He also never saw other people's penises growing up. I suppose this helped us with our decision because if there was really peepee comparing sessions going on in locker rooms (in his experience) we'd maybe decide differently.
While it's something I feel strongly about, I would have considered doing it the other way if my husband felt really strongly about it for specific reasons.
I don't think it matters that you told him he could make the final decision and now you're not sure if you feel that way- it's human to change your mind or to realize you feel more strongly about something than you thought you would. It sounds like you're less concerned about the fact that he has a different opinion than you & more uneasy about the lack of reasoning and research.
Definitely share your discomfort and see if further conversation helps!