Husband is happy about miscarriage, I'm devastated

mamabug08 · November 2015

I'd like to preface that this post isn't a "poor me" post. Just hoping someone has gone through this and can offer some help. We found out when my period was 2 weeks late that I was pregnant with a surprise baby. We were shocked and trying to figure out logistics (we have 2 other kids) but started to pick names, etc. At our 9 week appt we were told there was no heartbeat. I went back a week later to confirm that the baby had indeed passed. It took 2 1/2 excruciatingly long weeks from that point to miscarry. I'm now 2 weeks from that horrible day, and last night I got in an argument with my husband in which he told me "I never wanted that baby. I prayed you'd lose it. I'm happy we don't have to have it. I'm not listening to you from now on, we're done having kids. I'm getting a vasectomy so we don't have any more mistakes." I just cried. I didn't even know what to say. How do I go back to normal after that? He'll just tell me "I just said that in the heat of the moment" or some bull crap.

rachrobertson · November 2015

Wow. Sorry for your loss and having to deal with that on top of it. No advice, I couldn't erase that comment from my head.

mamabug08 · November 2015

I'll never forget it. It's such a horrible, cruel thing to say.

queenklau · November 2015

I am so sorry for your loss!

It may be his way of coping with the loss, you never know. Big hugs to you, it is a difficult situation on any couple.

diane2218 · November 2015

I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. To answer honestly, I would never be able to "just let the comment go" - heat of the moment or not, that was hurtful and uncalled for by your husband. Take care of yourself physically right for the moment and stay focused on your two other children. Possibly think about seeing a counselor or therapist to work through the comments from your husband; you need someone to really help you with that. Best wishes.

BriDaily · November 2015

That is incredibly saddening.

First, my heart goes out to you on losing your third child… I lost my third child in January, so I can commiserate a bit.

Second, I don't think I could ever look at my husband the same way after such words. I get that he may be upset and grieving in his own way but to me, saying something like that equals instant divorce. A man should never have such little regard for the incredible ability of a woman to be a vessel for a new human life.

I will end in saying that many couples end up in divorce after a loss… and it all too often hinges on how the man in the situation reacted and whether or not he was supportive of his partner during the loss situation. Personally, I am getting a divorce as a direct result of negative actions my partner took during my loss.

cherith104 · November 2015

Omg. I'm so sorry for your loss. That's just so wrong and terrible to say to anyone after suffering a loss. You need support and your husband is the one who is suppose to be there for you when you have your ups and downs. For better or for worse. Honestly, I didn't get that much support when I had my miscarriage from my husband ,pretty much was alone in it, but if he would've said anything like that to me I would've left him. I don't think I would ever be able to forgive him for that. That's just awful. I just wish I could give you a big hug.

queenklau · November 2015

@mamabug08 I just re-read your post and it shocked me even more than the first time. I want to also say that what you husband said is a horrible, hurtful and macabre thing to say.
I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt (hence my earlier post), but reading it again, it is just so awful...I am so so very sorry.

From different posts I think that losses, like any other tragic event throughout your lives, either bring the couple closer or destroy the relationship. It is through the ups and downs that you become a team and battle through it all together, but if you can't be at your best during the worst, then how can you expect to trust and lean on each other in the future?

Again, I am very sorry for your loss, and feel so bad you are not getting the support, love and care you deserve. Please PM me if you want to talk. ((Hugs))

cjt121413 · November 2015

I'm so very sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry that your husband is not giving you the support you need.

Often, men and women seem to handle miscarriage differently. Women often bond with our unborn children right away, whereas men sometimes don't connect with the baby until birth or until later in the pregnancy. I'm not excusing your husband's comments at all, of course. I know my husband has not been as sad about the miscarriage as I have.

Also, perhaps he doesn't know how to handle your grief. I know my husband has never seen me like this. Since our miscarriage, I've been very sad, very weepy, unable to really do much. My husband has expressed that he doesn't know how to help and that he is very worried about me. He's used to me being the one who keeps our family running, and it's hard for him not to be able to fix it. Perhaps your husband is going through similar feelings. Not that his behavior is excusable at all.

Counseling might be helpful. I've read that miscarriage either brings a couple closer or tears them apart. So much of it is communication, and it seems like your communication has broken down.

Again, I'm so sorry.

TTamTamTam · November 2015

How does your husband usually communicate (disappointment, sadness, lack of understanding) with you?

This actually sounds similar to something my husband would say to me on a regular day about something that means a lot to me but he doesn't yet understand. He doesn't really think before he says what's on his mind (unfortunately, lol).
It may be true that your husband was terrified of the new pregnancy and this was his way of trying to communicate it with you before you 'got the idea' of trying again on purpose.

That being said, I completely agree with previous posts this it's absolutely not right. No matter how he's feeling you deserve to be handled with gentle hands and words.

cjt121413 said:
I've read that miscarriage either brings a couple closer or tears them apart. So much of it is communication, and it seems like your communication has broken down.

My usually fairly insensitive husband was caring and supportive during our recent loss. If he can do it anyone can, haha.

You are in my thoughts. I hope it all turns out OK in the end.

SharonB222 · November 2015

I dearly miss my 3rd child that has yet to pass (complicated early pg loss, now 9w5d). DH and I both knew before TTC#3 we would be happy with two or three children. So it wasn't a surprise during this loss when DH "reminded" me to be grateful for our two children and that he was relieved there would not be a 3rd (he's old, er, not me, ok me too). However, he is willing to listen to me more than not, so that's the difference between our DHs. My DH wasn't mean about it. But then my DH is also lousy at comfort, but we've had lots of "practice" in this area so he's much better this time around, our last time around. I am sorry for your loss. I am sorry your DH was a jackass that day.

fivetimesnoluck · November 2015

I am so sorry. No words of advice, but lots of love to you. Grief is a bitch, but there's really no excuse for him to be so callous. I will keep you in my thoughts and hope that you have others who do offer the warmth, comfort and support that you deserve.

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