I don't know what to do.

suteki325 · November 2015

I don't even know if this is the appropriate forum or place to be going with my troubles, but the fact is that I'm in a mess of a situation and I have no idea where or who else to turn to for unbiased help.

Okay, here we go. Bear with me - this might be a long post.

My brother has been a heroin addict for close to eight years or so now. He's run through the gamut of rehabs, halfway houses, interventions, etc. He'll stay clean for around half a year or so and then go right back to using drugs again. When I first found out about his addiction, I was there for him to talk, for support, and backed his recovery 100 percent. The more times he relapsed, though, the more tired I got of his whole charade, character, and personality - all of the lies and false promises. I just couldn't take it anymore. So as of right now our relationship is pretty much non-existent. We never talk and I actively avoid him.

Ever since DH and I became pregnant, though, his addiction has been weighing heavily on my mind. Mostly because of the fact that my mom will be watching my son when I go back to work after maternity leave, and my brother still lives at home with my parents. I don't want him around my son, at all. I know that might sound harsh, but I found something out today that was pretty shocking, even for my brother.

A friend of his messaged me on Facebook, saying that my brother has been using his ex-girlfriend, pimping her out basically, and then using the money for drugs. I know this ex-girlfriend of his, and she's an addict herself - I'm sure it's a scheme the two have cooked up together. But it makes me want to vomit. Knowing that he's sunk this low - I don't want him around my son, at all, period. He's a disgusting mess of a person and I don't want his toxic personality to ever cross paths with my son.

But putting my foot down about this is going to be so hard. Like I said, my mom will be watching DS after I return to work, and my brother still lives with my parents. Thus, it's pretty likely that he'll be around my son. My mom has said that most of the time she'll just watch DS at our house, but still. Going even further into this mess, I have no clue what to tell my parents about what I've found out. I hate to say this, but they are in complete denial about my brother and his troubles. They know that he's an addict but constantly bail him out of every bad situation he's ever put himself in. They've sent him to rehab multiple times with no success. And right now, he's been fired from his job for almost a year and is living with them, rent-free. They pay for everything for him - his food, cigarettes, gas in his car. And all the while turn a blind eye to the fact that he needs to hit rock bottom and experience the consequences of all his choices in life. In my honest opinion, I feel like he needs to go to jail. That would be a huge wake-up call for him - he's always been so pampered and never had to ask for anything in life. My parents have given him everything he's ever needed or wanted.

It would kill my mom for me to bring this choice to her - either kick my brother out of the house, or face the fact that my son won't be going over there to visit, at all. And I hate bringing that to her. I love my mom and she's so thrilled and excited to be a grandma, my dad is so excited to be a grandpa. I just don't know what to do. I know I need to tell my mom what I found out about my brother, but honestly, I feel like what is the point even? They'll send him back to rehab, he'll be clean for six months or so, and then this endless nightmare of a cycle will just begin all over again.

I feel so lost. I don't know what to do.

cMichelle0423 · November 2015

suteki325 said:
I don't even know if this is the appropriate forum or place to be going with my troubles, but the fact is that I'm in a mess of a situation and I have no idea where or who else to turn to for unbiased help.

Okay, here we go. Bear with me - this might be a long post.

My brother has been a heroin addict for close to eight years or so now. He's run through the gamut of rehabs, halfway houses, interventions, etc. He'll stay clean for around half a year or so and then go right back to using drugs again. When I first found out about his addiction, I was there for him to talk, for support, and backed his recovery 100 percent. The more times he relapsed, though, the more tired I got of his whole charade, character, and personality - all of the lies and false promises. I just couldn't take it anymore. So as of right now our relationship is pretty much non-existent. We never talk and I actively avoid him.

Ever since DH and I became pregnant, though, his addiction has been weighing heavily on my mind. Mostly because of the fact that my mom will be watching my son when I go back to work after maternity leave, and my brother still lives at home with my parents. I don't want him around my son, at all. I know that might sound harsh, but I found something out today that was pretty shocking, even for my brother.

A friend of his messaged me on Facebook, saying that my brother has been using his ex-girlfriend, pimping her out basically, and then using the money for drugs. I know this ex-girlfriend of his, and she's an addict herself - I'm sure it's a scheme the two have cooked up together. But it makes me want to vomit. Knowing that he's sunk this low - I don't want him around my son, at all, period. He's a disgusting mess of a person and I don't want his toxic personality to ever cross paths with my son.

But putting my foot down about this is going to be so hard. Like I said, my mom will be watching DS after I return to work, and my brother still lives with my parents. Thus, it's pretty likely that he'll be around my son. My mom has said that most of the time she'll just watch DS at our house, but still. Going even further into this mess, I have no clue what to tell my parents about what I've found out. I hate to say this, but they are in complete denial about my brother and his troubles. They know that he's an addict but constantly bail him out of every bad situation he's ever put himself in. They've sent him to rehab multiple times with no success. And right now, he's been fired from his job for almost a year and is living with them, rent-free. They pay for everything for him - his food, cigarettes, gas in his car. And all the while turn a blind eye to the fact that he needs to hit rock bottom and experience the consequences of all his choices in life. In my honest opinion, I feel like he needs to go to jail. That would be a huge wake-up call for him - he's always been so pampered and never had to ask for anything in life. My parents have given him everything he's ever needed or wanted.

It would kill my mom for me to bring this choice to her - either kick my brother out of the house, or face the fact that my son won't be going over there to visit, at all. And I hate bringing that to her. I love my mom and she's so thrilled and excited to be a grandma, my dad is so excited to be a grandpa. I just don't know what to do. I know I need to tell my mom what I found out about my brother, but honestly, I feel like what is the point even? They'll send him back to rehab, he'll be clean for six months or so, and then this endless nightmare of a cycle will just begin all over again.

I feel so lost. I don't know what to do.

I hate to say it, but you may have to find someone else to watch you LO. Whether your brother is living at home or not, he knows your mom will always be there to help him out. That being said, you never know what can happen if your mom decides to let him come over for any reason. To her house or even yours. You're mom is a serious enabler. And most of the time in relationships like that, the enabler is just as irrational as the addict because they're so desperate to help the addict.

Personally if I were in your situation, I would distance myself from your parents and brother until he was out of the picture completely, or seriously got clean. And that could take years to happen. Good luck op. I think once your lo is born, your mommy instincts will help you figure things out.

sheslikeasunburn · November 2015

I'm sorry you and your family are going through this. Addiction is a very serious and sad disease. I would recommend finding someone else to watch your baby. I think making your Mom choose will probably only cause tension between you. You can try to help her see what is going on, but not as it relates to benefiting you (ie feeling more secure about her caring for your baby). You should come from a place of genuinely just wanting to help your brother. Good luck.

amoulder423 · November 2015

I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

1. Consider finding a support group for loved ones of addicts (like Al-Anon)

2. Make hard and fast rules about how your parents can be around the baby and stick to them. For example, your mom must watch the baby at your house and cannot allow your brother to come over. Baby is not allowed at your parents house. If a rule is broken, you immediately find someone else to take care of baby.

Good luck!

andresh · November 2015

You are going to have to have to find a different sitter. As stated in the previous post your mom is an enabler. If your brother is pimping out his ex-girlfriend, who is to say he won't try to do something to your son. My sister works for CPS as dealing with an issue with a friend, where there is a safety issue with someone who is living with her mom, who is watching her child. I don't want to scare you, but if something happens to your child while in your mom's care (and your brother is involved) that is justification for CPS to remove the child from the home pending an investigation. This is a serious safety issue. I'm sorry you are facing this situation with your mom, but it would be best to find a different sitter.

SoSweetTea1124 · November 2015

I am with everyone else. Find someone else to watch your child. Put some distance between you and your family. The most important thing should be the safety of your child and that could be compromised in a number of different ways by allowing your mother to watch your son. What would happen if she got a phone call that your brother needed help while she was watching your son? Is she going to take your son with her to bail him out of jail, or sit with him at the hospital until you get there? The best way to keep your son and your brother from having contact in any way is to find someone else to watch your baby. It sucks, but I wouldn't take any chances. Good luck.

suteki325 · November 2015

Thank you for the replies so far. The idea of CPS getting involved is so terrifying to me. Its just not worth the risk. I'll let my mom know. She's going to be heartbroken but maybe this is what she needs to finally open her eyes and stop enabling him. They need to kick him out and quit giving him money. Let him live on the streets - he needs to hit rock bottom for once in his spoiled, entitled life. And I do plan on trying to find a local Nar-Anon group to start going to - I know it would be good for me. I have so much pent-up anger and resentment towards my brother, and going to my parents about my feelings towards him is pointless. I need someone to open up to.

VitaLuna · November 2015

Your baby comes first. I don't think it's unreasonable to tell your mom that she can only watch LO at your house.

I also think she'd be well within her right at that point to say she wouldn't watch LO, although I'm guessing she won't take it to that level.

Either way, you need to have a backup plan. I agree that your LO shouldn't be around your brother at all, but that may mean finding alternate childcare.

Achae · November 2015

Until your parents stop enabling your brother and he gets help for himself I'd find a different person to watch my LO. It would obviously cost but to me it'd be more important than letting her "mostly" watch LO (what does that mean? She'd leave LO alone with your addicted brother?). Otherwise not only would he be dangerous to have with baby, I'd imagine he'd sell possessions or baby's formula/food/etc to pay for his addiction. He needs to get help but that can only come from him.

thisusername · November 2015

I completely agree, find someone else. It sounds like your brother has given up on himself too and there's no fixing that.
I had to tell my MIL that her oldest daughter was no longer welcome in mine or this baby's life a few months ago. They're all trying to persuade me otherwise. (She blatantly threatened me and the unborn baby and then spread lies to her family. She is off meds and unstable, way different but just background info)
So even if you do tell your mom you don't want him around, they may try and convince you otherwise. The truth is; YOU know best. You're the one protecting that baby during its weakest 9 months, you are the decision maker. Go with your gut and don't give up. Sorry about your brother.

Achae · November 2015

andresh said:

You are going to have to have to find a different sitter. As stated in the previous post your mom is an enabler. If your brother is pimping out his ex-girlfriend, who is to say he won't try to do something to your son. My sister works for CPS as dealing with an issue with a friend, where there is a safety issue with someone who is living with her mom, who is watching her child. I don't want to scare you, but if something happens to your child while in your mom's care (and your brother is involved) that is justification for CPS to remove the child from the home pending an investigation. This is a serious safety issue. I'm sorry you are facing this situation with your mom, but it would be best to find a different sitter.

OP, this is true. I deal with screen outs in my work place and they'll note that the sitter is enabling the addict and has access to the baby.

Jellybelly119 · November 2015

I could have written this post, minus the childcare part. And the pimping out the gf part; I haven't heard of that from my brother quite yet! I cut off contact with my brother a few years ago, but he still lives with my parents as well and I don't feel very comfortable with my son over there without me despite my brother being clean for a year and a half (or more; I've lost track.) You need to stick to your guns for sure, and if your mom's feelings get hurt in the process, so be it. I'm sure she knows deep down that you're right. If you can work it out so that she absolutely understands that she is ONLY to watch your child at your house, where you brother is never to visit, that may be a compromise that satisfies her. Best of luck to you!!

PinkRoses · November 2015

I agree with the others in that you should probably find another means of childcare. However, I wouldn't cut your parents out completely. I'm sure on some level they realize what's going on with your brother and could probably use a ray of sunshine in their lives. The first grandchild is such a huge deal.

I realize some may say I'm too soft, or that I'm enabling the enablers. I just feel bad that more people have to suffer because of the choices your brother has made. Maybe limit your parents to visits at your house, without your brother.

Wishing you all the best.

Kiek · November 2015

The thing about addicts is they've lost all of their moral compass. All that matters is the next high. The thing with codependent enablers is they are just as sick as the addicts and all that matters to them is keeping their loved one from suffering true consequences. It's like another sick addiction in itself. Definitely recommend Nar-Anon. I've gone to al-anon for a long time now and it's extremely helpful in sorting through all this and know you aren't alone. You need to set up boundaries. You can't control what your parents do but you can control what you allow into your space. I had to decide when DD was born that anyone contributing to the toxic behavior in my family was no longer welcome in my home. I agree with the other posters, I would find another sitter. Yes, it'll hurt your moms feelings, but that's a very healthy boundary for you to have in place for the protection of your family.

suteki325 · November 2015

Thank you so much, everyone. It means a lot to me to have your advice and support, and to hear that there are others who are suffering from having an addict in their lives. I feel like its such a shameful and embarrassing thing, and I never open up or let people know about it because I worry that they would judge me somehow. And as much as it will hurt my mom to hear that I may be looking into other childcare options, the simple fact is that the safety and well-being of my son has to come first.

Katty422 · November 2015

I would have your mother watch your baby at your house at all times. I would tell her everything you have found out about the whole pimping his gf out. I would tell her that he is not welcome to be around your baby.
Make that very clear... I am sorry your going through this.

KylieeSchon · December 2015

I am in a very similar situation and feel so stuck. I live at home and my brother does too, he is a party freak constantly coming and going at all hours of the night, constantly having 5+ people over and smoking.. They are so loud and wake up bf and I all the time. He also has horrible anger problems to the point some family members are scared to confront him for fear of being screamed at. Point being I don't want my son around this, but he lives here an moving out is not an option as we don't make enough for rent and don't have a car. This has been stressing me out for so long idk what to do either.. Very stressed about the whole thing..

mruda · December 2015

I don't have advice to offer. I wish I did. I am going through something similar with a sister that just started down that path of addiction and lies. I know how stressful it can be and how much it is on your thoughts when you are pregnant. I want my sister to be in her niece's life but at the same time I don't want who she is now to be in her niece's life. Its killing me. I think about it all the time and don't have people to talk to about it.

Basically, I want to say I get your feelings; I empathize. Advice of PP makes sense about maybe finding other childcare. I can only imagine how hard that would be, though.

Good luck.

Jameca706 · December 2015

You are in my prayers I personally know how u feel and now in days you have to be very careful whom you leave your baby with so I get wanting to leave him with your mom but with his situation n their denial Id be skeptical too is it possible to work different shift then your husband? It's hard to do any job when you worried about your child's welfare. Hope n pray it works out for you!

AdventureMama · December 2015

I'm so sorry you're going through this situation. It must be so incredibly difficult. Huge hugs.

I agree with PPs that I'd either find a new babysitter or I would set up VERY strict rules about where your mom can watch your son and make it clear that your brother can never, ever visit. But if you don't trust her not to keep him away from him, a new sitter is probably the best option.

Good luck making this decision and having the hard conversation. Let us know how it goes, if you're so inclined.

suteki325 · December 2015

Thank you for the recent replies. It's so helpful to have other's support in this, even if it is just over an online forum. Creepy internet hugs to you all

So I guess my brother came clean to my parents that he was using again, and he's back on methadone (which is basically "legal" heroin to help with withdrawals when an addict is trying to get clean). Rinse and repeat, per usual. But I still haven't told my mom about him helping his girlfriend pimp herself out for drug money. I just haven't had the heart to bring it up during the holidays, you know? I know I'm putting it off, but after Christmas I'll have to steel myself for the hard conversation. It's going to suck, but I have to keep reminding myself that it's in the best interest of my son. He's due February 3rd and I'll be going back to work sometime mid to late March, so I can't keep putting the conversation off forever. And I'd rather do it before he's here.

Basically I'm going to set very firm rules and guidelines for where she is allowed to babysit my son. I'm going to tell her that she is only allowed to babysit over at our house. I'm only going back to work part-time, for two 10 hours shifts each Wednesday and Friday (and every other Saturday, but DH will be off work those days and able to watch LO then). So it's really not asking her too much, to stay at our house during the day only two days out of the week. I'm also going to tell her that my brother is not allowed in our home (he would probably steal something, anyway).

Another reason I don't want LO at my parent's house is because my brother, his "girlfriend" and her son (who is two) are constantly over there. My mom pretty much babysits her son anytime it's needed as well, which makes me so incredibly mad, because who knows what the hell my brother and this girl are out doing while my mom is watching her kid. And if CPS were to get involved in the situation (which honestly, they probably should - it's crossed my mind a few times to place an anonymous call to them regarding this child) - my mom could get wrapped up in all of that drama, when it should have nothing to do with her whatsoever. But she's so blind to the real situation, and how quickly it could turn bad. It's infuriating.

I don't want my brother, or this girl, around my son at all. And I'm going to have to be very firm in that. I love my parents and I don't want to hurt them. But I have to place his safety and wellbeing above everything else. I just hope she understands that. And if she doesn't, then I will have to look into other options of childcare. I would hope that the threat of not getting to babysit her grandson (which she's been looking so forward to) will maybe, FINALLY, be enough for her to open her damn eyes and stop enabling my brother. We'll see.

Achae · December 2015

suteki325 said:

Thank you for the recent replies. It's so helpful to have other's support in this, even if it is just over an online forum. Creepy internet hugs to you all
So I guess my brother came clean to my parents that he was using again, and he's back on methadone (which is basically "legal" heroin to help with withdrawals when an addict is trying to get clean). Rinse and repeat, per usual. But I still haven't told my mom about him helping his girlfriend pimp herself out for drug money. I just haven't had the heart to bring it up during the holidays, you know? I know I'm putting it off, but after Christmas I'll have to steel myself for the hard conversation. It's going to suck, but I have to keep reminding myself that it's in the best interest of my son. He's due February 3rd and I'll be going back to work sometime mid to late March, so I can't keep putting the conversation off forever. And I'd rather do it before he's here.
Basically I'm going to set very firm rules and guidelines for where she is allowed to babysit my son. I'm going to tell her that she is only allowed to babysit over at our house. I'm only going back to work part-time, for two 10 hours shifts each Wednesday and Friday (and every other Saturday, but DH will be off work those days and able to watch LO then). So it's really not asking her too much, to stay at our house during the day only two days out of the week. I'm also going to tell her that my brother is not allowed in our home (he would probably steal something, anyway).
Another reason I don't want LO at my parent's house is because my brother, his "girlfriend" and her son (who is two) are constantly over there. My mom pretty much babysits her son anytime it's needed as well, which makes me so incredibly mad, because who knows what the hell my brother and this girl are out doing while my mom is watching her kid. And if CPS were to get involved in the situation (which honestly, they probably should - it's crossed my mind a few times to place an anonymous call to them regarding this child) - my mom could get wrapped up in all of that drama, when it should have nothing to do with her whatsoever. But she's so blind to the real situation, and how quickly it could turn bad. It's infuriating.
I don't want my brother, or this girl, around my son at all. And I'm going to have to be very firm in that. I love my parents and I don't want to hurt them. But I have to place his safety and wellbeing above everything else. I just hope she understands that. And if she doesn't, then I will have to look into other options of childcare. I would hope that the threat of not getting to babysit her grandson (which she's been looking so forward to) will maybe, FINALLY, be enough for her to open her damn eyes and stop enabling my brother. We'll see.

It sounds like there is a positive plan in place, and it's good that he's on methadone! Hopefully your mom is able to understand and accept it as well. I would also place a call to CPS/Human services so they are aware of brother's girlfriend and her two year old. That child will need someone looking out for him as well

MrsAguirre117 · December 2015

You're doing the right thing @suteki325. So sorry for the position you have been put in and I also do feel bad for your mother as well.
Best of luck breaking the new to them and I can't imagine your mother wouldn't be ok with your plan B for her to come by you twice a week. That's totally reasonable IMO. You're a strong, stand-up woman. Best of luck!

alwaysadventure · December 2015

That's a tough situation to be in. But I have to agree with previous posters and say that finding alternate child care might be the best option in this case. Best of luck!

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