First BFP, First CP

MRSCORKER · November 2015

Hi ladies,

I'm heartbroken to be here but I'm grateful to find others in a similar place. DH and I decided to go off of BCP in september. Our plan was to wait to start TTC until February but we just wanted to give my body a few cycles to regulate if necessary. I had just started charting/temping and using OPKs just to get the hang of it all. We got our BFP this past Wednesday, the day AF was due. In hindsight, I really wish I hadn't tested so early and I definitely won't in the future. Anyway, I got 5 BFPs, 4 very faint positives on FRER and 1 Clearblue digital with weeks predictor which made me feel better, can't really question it went it says "Pregnant". I went to my GYN on Friday to get a blood test and did a pee test there which came back negative. I told myself it was because it was still so early, my urine was diluted from drinking so much water and the dr's tests were just not as senstive as the expensive HPTs I had taken already. My intuition was telling me something wasn't right. I was just so anxious and even though I tried to be hopeful, I was just waiting for it all to go away. I felt like it was just a massive mistake and any minute I would start bleeding. I had been having mild cramping on and off for the past few days and yesterday started having some very light brown spotting. I read that all of that is very common but the spotting continued as well as the cramping until it could no longer be considered spotting. Over night I started really bleeding and passing big clots of tissue. I took another clearblue digital which came back negative. I now have to admit that I had a chemical pregnancy and I'm so confused and heartbroken. My doctor is supposed to call me monday with my blood test results from Friday and I just don't know if I even want to know. I feel like if I hear that I was pregnant on Friday it will just hurt more and if I hear that I wasn't, I'll just be more confused than ever. I was only 4w 3d so I feel guilty feeling like I lost a baby when so many ladies have experienced losses so much later. I told my mom what happened and she said "When you eventually do get pregnant, it will be a healthy, happy pregnancy" and I just wanted to say "when I get pregnant AGAIN..." Am I wrong to feel that way? I know it wasn't confirmed with blood work yet so maybe I can't say that I was actually pregnant. I just don't know. I'm feeling lost and sad.

Sending happy thoughts and positive vibes out to all of you.

Thanks for letting me vent.

queenklau · November 2015

Hi welcome, I am sorry you are going through this. Whether you are a mom for 1 hr or 70 years, it is your baby, and nobody can take that away. It is ok to feel like you are feeling, confused, lost, disappointed and angry at people's comments. Your mom is just trying to make you feel better, but nobody will ever know what you are feeling, because it is a personal journey. Just be honest with yourself and feel away, and time will help with the healing.

We are here for you throughout this journey, hopefully you won't be in this board for long.

MRSCORKER · November 2015

Thank you

That means a lot.

mom2adoodle · November 2015

I'm so sorry for your loss. I too suffered a chemical pregnancy last month. No matter how far along you were, a BFP is pregnant!! I think many people don't understand this concept and don't let is discredit any joy or warm feelings you had when the baby was growing inside of you. I get not testing early but I also know it's hard to wait. I had my chemical at about 5.5 weeks so you can't necessarily beat yourself up for testing early. I think now is the time to be gentle with yourself

mrszoess · November 2015

I had a cp in January and recently a mmc. it's hard not to test when you have a feeling! my mom said similar things but I think it's because people are generally awkward in that situation. good luck!

diane2218 · November 2015

I'm so sorry you are going through this! We had an early miscarriage last month - we were 5 to 6 weeks. It was confirmed twice with bloodwork and rising hcg before it dropped. It's incredibly hard those first few days, weeks, it still is hard. I asked my nurse practitioner if I should consider this a chemical pregnancy and she said it was an early miscarriage. It is unclear from what I read if some doctors use the terms interchangeably. Regardless, it doesn't matter what it is called. You lost a baby and a dream - I'm so sorry. This board is such a kind place to be and hope it helps you,too. On the note of testing early or not- that's the conversation my husband and are having recently. We both prefer not to test early after experiencing this loss, just see if my period shows up or have symptoms. Pro: it would avoid the hurt of knowing since early loss can be common. Con: (this is what I want to share with you since you may or may not know) my doctor told me that without at least 2, likely 3 documented m/c they will not do any further testing or bloodwork. So if we don't test but have losses early and not have bloodwork to document them we may not learn what problem potentially is there. How cruel things can be. I say that to you just so you can start thinking about it and decide what's best for you. We honestly don't know yet what we want- got my first period and I haven't ovulated yet this cycle. Right now take care of yourself. Focus on the positives in life and spend time with your husband- easier said than done I know but take it one day at a time.

MRSCORKER · November 2015

@diane2218 I never thought of the down side of waiting to test. You have a good point. I'm going to keep charting and temping and we're going to start TTC again in February. I guess we have some time to decide. I feel like it would be difficult to not test when I know exactly when I ovulated and therefore, exactly when AF is due. Thank you for your kind words

tinypikachu · November 2015

I am sorry you had to experience this. Yes, the answer would be when you get pregnant AGAIN. No matter how early or what happened, you have already been pregnant. You had a baby that was preparing to grow and develop and for some reason unrelated to anything you did, that baby is gone. No one can tell you that you weren't excited or already planning a future for that babe, you become a mommy as soon as you get pregnant.

As far as what @diane2218 said, it is considered a miscarriage in medical terms when the baby has implanted and started growing. A CP is when the egg is fertilized but never implants in the uterine wall and is released with the regular period. There wouldn't be any tissue because it's a fertilized egg, no placenta yet. This is why CPs happen within a week of the expected period.

I lost mine early, just shy of 6w, we knew a few days before. It was a confirmed miscarriage because baby was growing in the sac, which was confirmed with a couple of ultrasounds. No matter how early on it is, it is still one of the worse things that can happen to a mommy.

MRSCORKER · November 2015

@AlwaysAuntNeverMom, Thanks for the clarification. Mine was within a week of my expected period so I guess I was right in labeling it a CP. Regardless of technicalites, it's heartbreaking. My intuition told me something wasn't right and I had constant anxiety from the moment I got the BFP. I'm already looking ahead and hoping I get a better gut feeling the next time. I don't think I could handle that kind of anxiety for a full 9 months! I'm so glad to have this forum as a resource so that I can see how possible it is to move through grief and start again.

silentP · November 2015

I'm so sorry for your loss. Once we see a positive test, we immediately start dreaming about that baby and that pregnancy, and all that we are meant to enjoy that comes along with it. Be kind to yourself. ((Hugs))

m6agua · November 2015

I'm sorry for your loss. Always trust your intuition. You know your body more than anyone.

askye1212 · November 2015

I am sorry you are going throught this. I had a miscatriage in October. I was disappointed becausr we tried for a few months then next thing I knew, I was having a miscarriage. I have learned from this journey that your a mom regardless. You lost a baby. If you are given a BFP your still pregnant. I was 5 weeks when I lost mine. It dosent matter how early you find out or if i was not confirmed by a doctor. You were still pregnant. We are here for you. Ps these ladies are supportive and amazing.

MRSCORKER · November 2015

@askye1212 Thank you for your kind words. I'm so sorry for your loss as well. My doctor did confirm that my blood test was positive. It hurt to hear on Monday that I was pregnant on Friday but at least I felt validated that I had lost something. FX you get your rainbow baby soon.

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