How to tell your anti kid close friend your preggers?

stillcozy · November 2015

So I have a close friend/best friend who I've known going on 10 years. We are close and have been there through each other's ups and downs always very supportive. She actually got married before me but since I've gotten married it seems like she is paranoid about me and other friends having children. I've had two situations where she had called me or texted me complaining saying, "we lost another one" when someone tells her they are pregnant.
This after she knows we are trying.

She's told me she doesn't like being around pregnant people because it makes her uncomfortable. She doesn't want kids and thinks everything will change and be awful. I've tried to explain how yes it will be different but we will still have time. I'm terrified to tell her I am expecting. I should be thrilled to share this with such a close friend but instead I'm dreading it. Any advice on how to break the news ?

Renrich10 · November 2015

I would have a girls night. Just the two of you. Maybe some ice cream or whatever you two enjoy together. And just tell her. And tell her how important she is to you and that yes things will change, they just have to. But that doesn't mean you won't still be friends. And just because she doesn't want to have kids, doesn't mean she won't be an amazing aunt like person to your kid. And if she can't be happy for you, then sadly it may mean your friendship has run its course. But I hope that isn't the case. Congratulations, enjoy this wonderful blessing with those who love you both!

AudreyGriswold · November 2015

sounds like she should be in therapy. the problem is hers, not yours. Do you really want someone like this as a friend anyway?

DarkCat · November 2015

It's one thing for her not to want kids in her personal life but to go so far as to project her feelings onto her friends? That's not healthy. She may be one of those people you see once in a while when your not busy with your child. I don't see the friendship working unless she changes her attitude.

pourmeanothermocktail · November 2015

My best is anti kids, but she's more understanding. We told her first, so we could be upfront. And clarified that while some things will change, the important ones never will. It helps that we're not party-ers and don't stay up real late normally, so our basic hang out rules don't have to change.

Taymiller · November 2015

This is totally her issue not yours. I will say you need to be prepared to possibly lose this friend. It is really hard to stay friends with someone who is so anti kid when you have kids. It is sad and it sucks but it is reality.

dolewhipper · November 2015

Sounds like a sh** friend.

I have a few friends who don't want kids, but seriously? "We lost another one"? Sounds incredibly immature. I would be upfront with her, tell her how you're extremely excited, and if she doesn't want to share in your growth as a family, that's her choice.

stillcozy · November 2015

Thanks it's been hard so I appreciate the advice

FiancB · November 2015

She sounds like a shitty friend.

My best friend doesn't want kids but was still very happy and excited for me.

BostonBaby1 · November 2015

Maybe I'm a total bitch, but I think that you should just tell her, "we are having a baby!" And let her deal with her own psychological issues. If she doesn't want to be your friend anymore then you don't want her in your life. This is one of those situations where you tell her, "it's not me, it is you."

PinkLady2015 · November 2015

I wouldnt go as far as to say she's a shitty friend or she's mental. I was actually on the other side of the fence a few years ago where I didn't want kids and used to "commiserate" with another friend whenever someone we knew was pregnant, b/c in reality- it definitely changes the dynamics of a friendship no matter how much either person tries to maintain a sense of regularity. It may just be her way of expressing her "sadness" that the friendship will change and she will see less of that person. It seems like the "we lost another one" may be more in a joking around manner than actual animosity or refusal to be happy for the person. I mean if she flat out refuses to continue the friendship or gets butt hurt that baby now comes first then yea, I'd cease the friendship or realize that she will be more of an acquaintance. Just tell her that youre pregnant. My guess is she will truly be happy for you but may be a bit sad knowing that she will probably have a different type of friendship going forward. Give the girl a chance to share in your happiness. If not, then good riddance!

nopegoat · November 2015

I was the first one to get KU in my group of friends and honestly it showed me who my real friends were because the real ones stuck around.

I would just flat out tell her. No special night or anything and let her deal with it whatever way she wants. If she is a real friend she will stick around and support you, if not then that's her loss not yours.

thebigoaktree · November 2015

My DH is going to have to go through this, he has the people that don't want kids but are supportive and the ones that think people are stupid for having them before they're 30. I'm just thankful he's realizing quality over quantity right now because I don't really want to be around close mindedness like that. His friends that I do honestly like have told him,"we don't mind kids just as long as they go home with you at night." Which I find to be awesome because it reassures my DH that he's not going to loose good people by our choice to have children. Your friend is either going to understand and be a good friend or she's not and you really didn't loose a good friend at all.

stillcozy · November 2015

Thanks everyone! I appreciate it.

stillcozy · December 2015

Hey just wanted to leave an update I told my friend today I was pregnant. It went so well ladies it about made me cry. She apologized if she made me feel bad and admitted it was her own issue and she is starting to work through it. She told me how excited she was for me and knew I was ready and prepared. We have a fun Christmas night out planned for Friday and she has even been supporting me and asking me how I am doing. I never thought I would get this reaction and feel like I have my friend back.

blackgirlmagic · December 2015

That's great! I'm so happy that it went so well for you!

DobbysSock · December 2015

Great news! Glad you had a good outcome. It can be challenging to balance a friendship with someone who's in a totally different life stage but it's so worth it if the person is a good friend. I've experienced this from both sides, both with friendships that were made stronger and friendships that were destroyed.

The friendship that was destroyed was prior to me having kids, and my friend had her first baby. She completely lost interest in anything not related to kids - her eyes would literally glaze over when hearing a story about her single friend's life. She minimized accomplishments because in her eyes nothing was as momentous as becoming a mother. This is an extreme example but it's easy to get wrapped up in this beautiful baby that is just your world and forget that there are other important people and things out there.

From my friends who did it right, and my experience with a friend who's not into kids - make sure to keep asking her about her life, taking an interest in her work, accomplishments, hobbies, etc. Involve them in your family/kids' lives but also make time for one-on-one visits and don't try to force a close relationship with your kids if she's not into it. My friend's first comment seeing DD was to peer over her car seat and say "Oh, she's cute for a baby." She wouldn't hold her as a baby. But now that DD can talk and play, my friend has started asking me to bring her along and she's developing more of a relationship with her, at her own pace. Our friendship has changed in terms of quantity of time, but not quality, because we support each other in the paths we've chosen to take even if we don't fully understand the other's desire to take those paths.

stillcozy · December 2015

@DobbysSock thank you so much for that perspective I really appreciate the insight an reminder to be focused on her as well! Such wise and welcomed wisdom! Also I love your screen name!

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