I am so confused... — The Bump
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

I am so confused...

Photogenic Name Dropper First Comment
edited November 2015 in Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
I was 19 weeks pregnant with identical twin boys. First ever (surprise!) pregnancy. I wasn't even supposed to be able to get pregnant due to childhood cancer.

I had a placental abruption. Lost both twins. Still had to birth them in the hospital. Worst experience ever.

I was showing quite a bit at the time. It was obvious I was pregnant. It's obvious I'm not now. Most people close to me and co-workers know I lost the babies, I obviously had to call in sick to work for a few days for the induced labor and a blood transfusion, and my manager of course told everyone...but why is everyone acting like nothing happened?? It's as if they never existed. Why?

My partner is on the other side of the world for work. He is wonderful, but I still am hurting and am dying for some comfort. I don't want to be total doom and gloom or be coddled, but I've been through hell in the past week. I just don't understand why people that like and care about me are pretending that everything is just fine. Some people won't even look at me. Really?!
I work in surgery. My first day back at work, four days after delivering them, my manager assigned me to a D&C and acted like I was crazy when I quietly asked to do something else.

Anyone else go through this? Does EVERYONE go through this?

If someone would just look at me and smile, that honestly would be enough. But have I done something "wrong" in their eyes or something? I just don't get it.

Re: I am so confused...

  • I am SO sorry for your loss and having to do this on your own until your partner comes home. I cannot even imagine what you are going through. My MIL told everyone we were expecting even though we asked her not to. We lost our baby at 7w. People didn't have to know if we didn't want to tell them because it wasn't obvious yet. She has now told everyone that we lost the baby and not to say anything to me because "it will upset me." It's very difficult to look them in the eye knowing they knew we were pregnant, lost the baby and that they aren't going to say anything to me either way. She even told my sister and brother in laws and all their significant others not to say anything to me about it. So everyone knows and its this huge silent secret and I just want to hide from them all.

    Do you have any family or coworkers you can confide in? It tried doing it by myself and have just recently started to tell my best friend, sister and mom that even though I'm acting ok I'm really not (I've been doing this through text because it's easier to get my words out that way). I told DH, but he is dealing with it differently and isn't great at being affectionate.

    We are here for you whenever you need to talk!!!
  • I had my second mmc 3 weeks ago. my first day back at work I sat in my driveway sobbing because I was so afraid to face anyone at work. some people said nothing and while that was good so I didn't even have to talk about anything it actually was cathartic to have people ask how I am and give positive wishes and hugs. maybe tell your mom to let everyone know it's not taboo? knowing people care made the transition to "normal" life so much easier. good luck ❤️
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  • First, I am sorry about losing your angels.

    I had a similar situation (as far as the people), although few people knew. I lost both my babies at 9-10 weeks this year and had shared it with a few family members, friends and coworkers. After I found out there was no HB I texted everyone that knew so that they wouldn't ask me about the pregnancy. I did this for both losses. Many people responded through text, "I am sorry", which was fine. However, after my second loss I didn't hear from several people, including my sisters
    ******TW******Siggy warning
    BFP1 04/24/2015 EDD Dec 2015 MMC 10W5d;
    BFP 2 09/25/2015 EDD June 2016 MMC 9wks; 
    BFP 3 03/22/2016 EDD Dec 6th 2016 

       Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

  • I'm so sorry for your loss.  I think that many people don't know what to say.  Others have never been through the experience and don't know or can't imagine how awful it really is.  With that said, your manager's response seems particularly cruel and I'm sorry you had to go through that.  
  • I'm so very sorry for your loss. It's true that people just don't talk about miscarriage, which doesn't help when it's all you can think about. I think people usually mean well but don't know what to say so they don't say anything. Do you have any close friends you can talk to? I hope so. You're not alone. I hope this board can provide some support. I know it has for me.

    Me: 33     H: 36

    Married: 12/14/13   DS: 1/29/09

    BFP2: 10/9/15  MMC: 11/12/15

    BFP3: 4/6/16   DD: 12/12/16

  • I am so sorry for your losses. My MIL never acknowledged our mmc which required a d&c until what would have been our due date. But, I think that was because it was pretty obvious that I was not happy with how she reacted to our loss. I also work in healthcare and was asked the week I came back to administer a drug that pregnant people can't administer and I broke down. It is hard and it makes it harder when people try to act like nothing happened. I get that it is awkward for them to approach the subject, but to blatantly ignore it is especially hurtful and.makes for a long work day.
  • I think people just don't know what to say. They're afraid to say anything or say too much in case it upsets you. I lost one of my twins between 27w and 31w and had to deliver her along with her sister at 37w and no one is talking about it either.
  • tinypikachutinypikachu
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    edited November 2015
    I'm sorry you're having to go through this. My heart goes out to you. I've had a very similar reaction from people around me that knew about the pregnancy. My child is gone, DH and I are mourning, heartbroken, and everyone acts like nothing happened. I've found that some people don't know what to say or how to talk about it, others think that you don't want to discuss it and some think it's taboo and/or unimportant (which is a little cruel and plain sad).

    I really hated getting that reaction and have always been completely open about my miscarriage to everyone that knew about it (except in social media). I'm answering all the questions that people are afraid of asking. I feel like I want to put out the message that miscarriage is not taboo and it's not something that you need to hide from the world as if you did something bad.

    Maybe talking about it yourself might let the people that are afraid of bringing it up for fear of you not wanting to discuss it. Maybe give them an opening when they ask something simple like how was your weekend or how are you.

    ETA: this is obviously my experience and POV, how much you want to share is up to you.

    How about going to a support group? Check to see if there's one in your area to see if you can find some comfort as it must be incredibly hard with you H away. DH and I went to one the day after we found out we were going to miscarry and it was very, very helpful.
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