Really need advice, please read

jburrell13 · November 2015

Hi ladies, I hate to admit it but I really need to be honest and need some help and someone to vent too. I EBF so I have always felt a huge bond to our little one and she is obviously pretty dependent on me because I exclusively nurse. My husband and I had a huge blowout today because he pretty much said he can't stand me, that I don't do anything all day and that I have made this whole situation about me. I have no idea what to do. I had no idea he felt so much hate towards me and then he just blew up after I told him I felt like he was more interested in his phone and friends then helping with the baby (this argument has been a long time coming). I just really need to vent to someone I'm lost on what to do, is my marriage in trouble what should I do. Really curious to any other mommy's that might have experienced fighting with SO since I'm a FTM. PLEASE HELP

mommav83 · November 2015

He's probably jealous, he doesn't know it and it probably scares the shit out of him but he's jealous of you, the baby, your bond, and the fact that besides changing diapers and burping her there isn't much else he can do to help. Of course he can cuddle her and such but I think that is harder if she's ebf too. Mind you this is just my opinion. Remember he's a FTD to so this is trial and error for both of you and until everyone transitions it's going to be rocky. When you both calm down maybe ask him why he feels that way and what you can do around the house that might ease that and then talk about your frustrations without blaming. Hope this helps and good luck.

jburrell13 · November 2015

Thank you so much for your advice. I have literally been in tears contemplating going to my parents for the night for about an hour.

tracij12 · November 2015

So sorry you are dealing with this. Sadly I think these types of arguments are more common than people like to admit. Caring for a newborn is hard and puts a strain on relationships that no one can prepare you for. Exhaustion paired with new feelings (resentment, jealousy) is a hard combo. Definitely don't go to your parents! I found with my first that how we were able to work through things after those big blow ups was the most important thing. Take some time to cool down (or let him cool down) and then see if you can have a civil conversation.

While he should absolutely not tell you he can't stand you (and I really hope the word hate was not used), his reaction could have been so strong b/c in his mind you were bssically saying he was not a good dad. If he is already feeling a little lackluster, that could have really hurt him and many men jump quickly to being defensive.

You are definitely not alone! Venting here is a good way to get some aggression out and calm yourself down before having these types of talks.

Good luck!!

Casseylemon · November 2015

I would think the best thing to do is stay calm and praise him for the things he's doing right. I bet all he said was in impulse and he doesn't mean it. It may be a good time to call up someone to watch your LO and get some alone time with him so you can talk.

Lindseybub · November 2015

How old is your newborn? I have a 3 week old and me and my partner have been snapping at each other a lot!! I think it's normal you need to make sure you get time to yourselves. We are planning a date night lol. Dreading leaving baby with our mums though but we need it, not for a couple of weeks yet but maybe sort something like that with your husband. Even if it's just cinema for a couple of hours, you need mummy and daddy time still

zetlopez · November 2015

You don't do anything all day? Does he not realize you're taking care of a newborn. I don't do much else either lately and there is no way anyone would give me grief about it. He may be feeling inadequate about being a ftd and be taking it out on you. I'd ask what kinds of things he wants me to be doing and see if he can take over some baby duty to give you time to do other things. If he's not willing to help with baby then he can't expect you to pitch in around the house. I'd wait to have this conversation once you're calm tho.

dalzien · November 2015

This was my DH and I with our first. It was like we forgot how to talk to each other/communicate when DD was born. Take time for the two of you to calm down then approach him about it. My DH didn't feel involved with the baby (I also EBF), so I need up pumping him a bottle for a few nights a week until he realized how exhausting it was and didn't want to do it anymore lol. I would get an apology though for his "I hate you" outburst though. Even if he didn't mean it, having DH say that to me would hurt me deeply.

sgoodsel · November 2015

The first few months with a newborn are the hardest! I agree with the other posters about what his problems could be, also he could be feeling really bad for being back at work and not getting to spend time with the baby.

I just read this article this morning about how the newborn phase is rough.
https://www.scarymommy.com/pep-talk-for-getting-through-newborn-stage/

If you have any brain cells left to read and aren't a total zombie you might try reading the 5 Love Languages. It really helped DH and me, once you learn what your others love language is, we found it helps when life gets rough (like now with a newborn) and can do something little that means a lot for that other person.

I hope you and DH are able to talk after things are cooled off and are able to share and help each other through this.

jburrell13 · November 2015

Thanks everyone all of your advice is so nice to hear and helpful. I appreciate all of the feedback. Hoping to make things better with my husband

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