Paternity Leave

mrslampert · November 2015

I have amazing insurance through my work, paid vacation, paid sick, paid holidays. I also get maternity leave. I work for a large company so my leave is pretty standard, 12 weeks.

My husband works for a very small company, he's one of 6 employees. He only gets 2 weeks vacation and 1 week sick. This year was the first year he was able to get paid holidays. Paternity leave...yea right!

I'm nervous about when our little bubba shows up. I know everyone says "accept as much help as you can", but I dunno I'm going to want my mom/MIL or anyone else practically moving in for a while in the beginning.

Has anyone else dealt with this? What did you do?

countrygrl5533 · November 2015

1- My DH only gets 5 paid holidays a year and the year DD was born, he only had 1 week of vacation. No sick time where he works. So he wasn't an option for me.

2- Really, it wasn't that bad. I wouldn't have wanted anyone at my house. I was in the hospital for the first 5 days due to a c-section, high blood pressure, and a baby who wouldn't grow quick enough for their liking. But after that, I was home alone, no issues. Frankly, I think you'll do fine. Have plenty of freezer meals, easy snacks, paper plates, etc. ready to go. Use one baby nap to nap yourself and another to do some minor house stuff.

3- We didn't have many visitors once we got home but when we did, I would have them take the laundry down to the basement for me or wash a sink of dishes. Minor but helpful things. DH would help when he got home in the evenings. I really, really wouldn't have wanted constant help like some people talk about. Having someone else around all the time would have been the opposite of help for me. I like to be left alone. Having people around wears me out.

mello13 · November 2015

We faced a similar situation when our son was born. DH used his vacation time for when the baby arrived, which was phenomenal. After that, I was home with the baby alone during the day, which was actually really great because I was still recovering and babes and I could sleep whenever. Friends and family would come by periodically with food/to do dishes/visit for short stints, but no one ever stayed over or even stayed for more than an hour or so with a few exceptions.

Honestly, for us I couldn't imagine having a mom/MIL stay over to "help". We wanted and needed to figure out what worked for us, and discover this new little person, without having other people around giving advice or offering to "fix" things. No matter how well meaning, what was best for us was just to be together as our new little family, not with a fourth wheel.

countrygrl5533 · November 2015

mello13 said:

Honestly, for us I couldn't imagine having a mom/MIL stay over to "help". We wanted and needed to figure out what worked for us, and discover this new little person, without having other people around giving advice or offering to "fix" things. No matter how well meaning, what was best for us was just to be together as our new little family, not with a fourth wheel.

This was a reason I didn't want anyone staying with us. I'm thankful no one offered or thought it was expected.

amscape · November 2015

I will lose my mind if anyone stays over, I'm pretty sure. I'm not exactly sure how to broach this topic with my mom if it arises (she lives about 1 hr 45 mins away) but hopefully she isn't interested in that anyway! Like other people have said, I want time for us to figure out what works for us. People coming over for short periods of time sounds great though!

Jesse835235 · November 2015

My husband is technically self-employed, but he works as a contractor on a two week on/two week off schedule. It will likely be the same when the baby comes. Not only will he be working, but I'm on my own for two weeks straight (he travels). It will be great when he is home for two weeks at a time though. I'm terrified of when I have to go back to work and will have no one to share my nighttime duties with me.

However, I don't think I would want a lot of overnight "help". I agree that I will need to stumble and find my own way to do things. My mom lives pretty close by in case I need help with anything. She has worked as an OB nurse for many years, so she is my personal lifeline for all things health and baby.

wamam027 · November 2015

My husband is in the navy and enlisted only get 10 days paternity leave. To add to it, he deploys for 8 months end of June so I'll only have a few weeks (ideally) with him home before I'm on my own with a brand new baby for 8 months. I've been taking notes of ideas I come up with to make my life easier once the baby gets here i.e. diapers and wipes delivered to the house, making lots and lots of simple freezer meals for myself that require a zap in the microwave or to simply be tossed into the oven, going to prioritize making a big Costco trip where paper towels/toilet paper/toiletries/laundry detergent/ dog food are stocked up so I don't have to worry about them for awhile after DH leaves. These things and others I come up with before May I'm sure will help immensely with being on my own to take care of baby and I while we are alone.

yogahh · November 2015

I think my husband gets 3 days? Good question, just another thing to look into.

Jesse835235 · November 2015

@ncm0328 I feel so much for the military families who go through deployments at any phase of life, but especially when children are so little. Here I am complaining about my H being gone for two weeks at a time.. that's peanuts compared to 8 months. Servicemen/women and their families make so many sacrifices for all of us. Thank you....

Bluejay3030 · November 2015

My H only was able to take 3 days off, and 2 of those were in the hospital. Luckily, DD was born a week before Christmas, so he had random days off the following weeks for Christmas and New Years. It was hard not having him there much at first, but also nice knowing that he'd have extra days off in the weeks that followed.

Random thought: I thought I would hate having my in-laws around for 2 weeks, but they ended up being life-savers. Between being completely out of commission during recovery and because of baby blues (later turned PPD)/anxiety attacks, I ended up leaning on the in-laws and later my mom to help me get through the first few weeks, since H couldn't be around much.

Bluejay3030 · November 2015

Jesse835235 said:
@ncm0328 I feel so much for the military families who go through deployments at any phase of life, but especially when children are so little. Here I am complaining about my H being gone for two weeks at a time.. that's peanuts compared to 8 months. Servicemen/women and their families make so many sacrifices for all of us. Thank you....

@ncm0328, I second this.

mrstmoose · November 2015

Pretty sure my husband will only take a week or two off, he also has a ton of sick hours saved up. But regardless, I don't want anyone over all day every day or staying with us. We need time to figure life out, without people on top of us. I would see what he can get and go from there.

lalala2004 · November 2015

My DH is just saving up vacation time. He'll take a work week home, and his work is pretty cool with him working from home as well. My mom doesn't work and is willing to help, so I feel pretty supported. I hope after a week I'll feel good to be on my own.

cortney626 · November 2015

My husband will take a couple days off and that's it. He kind of works for himself (has business partner) but no one can do what he does and he has a whole team under him. It was the same way with my daughter and I was fine. My mom took a week off and is close by. She came over during the day if I needed, went with me to a dr's appt.

dsmith211 · November 2015

My DH is only planning on taking a week off. Our work doesn't have anything for maternity/paternity leave besides FMLA. Unfortunately bc we work at the same company and bc of the way FMLA works our leave gets combined (12 weeks total for the 2 of us). Since he's taking a week, I get 11. If he takes more, subtract that from 12... That's what I get. It is absolutely the stupidest rule, but whatever.

DH would love to have a little more time off but he said he wants me to have as much time as possible with the baby so a week it is.

wamam027 · November 2015

@Jesse835235 and @Bluejay3030 thanks for your sweet words. It's a lot, all around and it'll be our first deployment, first baby, and we are moving across the country from family and friends in a few weeks. Thankfully the military community is absolutely amazing and hoping we can put down some roots in 6 months time to get through it. He will be home long enough in between deployments to see the first steps and first words, so we are stoked for that! We are still very blessed and fortunate and the sacrifices are all very worth it; you definitely learn to really cherish the time you DO get to spend together.

kbrands7 · November 2015

DH is job searching right now, so I have no idea what he'll end up with for paternity leave. I hope he at least gets a week.

My mom will likely come over during the day to help out for a little while since she already watches DS while I'm at work. Last pregnancy we really lucked out; DH was able to work from home for a month when DS was born. He tended to get all of his calls in during the morning and designed/drafted in the early afternoon so that he could spend the rest of his day with DS and me.

I pulled all of the night duties until this August when we night-weaned. Now I still do bedtime and the majority of random wakeups, but DH will go in if I'm exhausted to tears. (He's good at a lot of things, but really is just not good at waking and being quickly alert unless he perceives it as an emergency.)

TheThornBird · November 2015

One thing I've heard some dads do rather than take full days off of work is take half days (four hours), so they can stretch their leave a little longer and still be around enough to help out.

As for help- what about hiring some extra help, such as a cleaning service? They can help out with laundry, keeping the house clean, etc.

Also- when I have dog training clients who are preparing for a baby, I tell them to have an actual list of what they need done, so when family comes over to help they know exactly what to do. Set them up to succeed by telling them exactly what you need (laundry, make casseroles/meals to freeze, take the dog for a walk, run errands, etc). Many times people think they are helping by taking the baby and letting you do all the boring housework, when what we really need is them to pitch in. And don't be afraid to be strict- if they are making things more difficult for you, kick 'em out (get your husband on board with this so he can be the one to usher people out).

emsned · November 2015

I may have zero help when LO gets here!

My DH works for a mine and doesn't get to choose his vacation time. He also doesn't get sick days. If he is sick, he must go to the on-site doctor and have them verify that he is sick enough to go home.

With that said, he only gets about 2 days off when I go into labor. That freaks me out because what if my labor lasts that long?!

Both of our families live in different states. We moved to Illinois about a year ago and we don't have a lot of support out here. I'm terrified that I will be completely alone in the hospital and alone when I bring LO home for the first time.

jfarm19 · November 2015

ncm0328 said:
My husband is in the navy and enlisted only get 10 days paternity leave. To add to it, he deploys for 8 months end of June so I'll only have a few weeks (ideally) with him home before I'm on my own with a brand new baby for 8 months. I've been taking notes of ideas I come up with to make my life easier once the baby gets here i.e. diapers and wipes delivered to the house, making lots and lots of simple freezer meals for myself that require a zap in the microwave or to simply be tossed into the oven, going to prioritize making a big Costco trip where paper towels/toilet paper/toiletries/laundry detergent/ dog food are stocked up so I don't have to worry about them for awhile after DH leaves. These things and others I come up with before May I'm sure will help immensely with being on my own to take care of baby and I while we are alone.

See if your husband can ask his command to let him combine his post deployment leave with paternity leave. I was in the Navy and most of the new dad's were able to do this when we returned from deployment. Also see if Fleet and Family Services have workshops for my parents with deployed spouses. I used to be in the Navy and my husband is still in. Let me know if you have any questions. I hope this information is helpful.

wamam027 · November 2015

@jfarm19 thank you! I will most definitely have to look into those resources and have him talk to his command

valerie4786 · November 2015

I'm asking my husband to use a week of vacation time when the baby comes so we can adjust to our new life, and because I was with my sister when she left the hospital with a newborn and it was really hard for her adjusting even with her husband home. I know that my husband wouldn't want to take more than that off because he can earn more working than what his vacation time would pay. If he takes more than a week off I'd be surprised, I certainly wouldn't object, but my guess is he'll feel pressure to provide for us since we won't have my income contributing to the household for at least two months.

Kurrant · November 2015

DH knows he gets at least one week off for paternity leave but he thinks it might be two. If its one then he is thinking of taking a week of paid time off. Usually he uses a week or two of PTO at Christmas so that he gets a full month of vacation since the office closes for two weeks. He is skipping it this year and only doing the standard two weeks. I'm extremely glad for two two weeks with DH since I have zero other support around here to give a hand. I don't know if I would need it since its my first but I keep hearing of mothers and MILs coming to stay. MIL lives close but she is 83 so yea . . . that's not happening.

JoMunson · November 2015

1. My husband works for a great company and he was grandfathered into an extended leave program so he has about 2 and a half months of leave off. He's talked to his boss and talked about taking three weeks off, maybe more. The HR director of the company took a month off and then went to half time for another three months so they really get how important paternity leave is.
2. I'm not having any mothers come in. My MIL used to use a sing song voice to tell my SIL when she was doing something wrong when she had her baby (example:baby's crying while SIL is trying to feed him and MIL singing "he says no mom, I don't want that" for MINUTES!!). My mom had my dad put a sign up when I was born saying "adjusting to new family, no visitors please. Yes, this means you too". I'll probably do something similar, but my doula service does provide two postnatal appointments where they'll clean or care for the baby while you rest if you want.

Leia1982 · November 2015

I get my dog food delivered through petflow.com. they do it on a schedule and it has been cheaper than buying it from the pet store! Just an FYI.

Sienna516 · November 2015

My husband gets 1 paid day off for the birth/adoption of a child. We're planning on me trying to split my FMLA into taking some immediately and then him doing his and then me doing the rest of mine. Then he's going to quit and be a stay at home dad and go back to college. That's the plan for now anyways...

Merciel · November 2015

One day?! Man that is almost worse than nothing at all.

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