UO: Am I the Only Crazy Person….

Lasscher · November 2015

Who has told some people about her pregnancy this early? So I told my parents and a few people because I want to have support either way this pregnancy goes. I told people who I see daily and are impacted by me if I'm indisposed. I feel like I'm going through so many changes and it's affecting my behavior and I don't want certain people to assume I've become a bitch or lazy all of a sudden.

I'm still holding off on DH's fam and some sibs and other friends until after my 8 week appt with the doctor, I don't see them on a daily, so I figured I'd hold off for a bit there.

My mom thinks I shouldn't have told anyone; she's very old school. I kind of feel guilty, like maybe I shouldn't have told those people. Other times I wonder if this cultural idea of keeping it secret is a conspiracy to keep women from sharing their pain if they potentially have loss, because other people don't want to deal with it/know about it.

I guess this post is part rant/unpopular opinion. I would be interested to hear thoughts, although I'm aware I can't put a cat back into a bag that's already out to the few people I told.

calico34 · November 2015

Don't feel guilty. It seems the general rule of thumb is to hold out for the first trimester in case something happens. In reality, you do you. You have to do what you feel is comfortable and if telling people made sense to you, that is fine. I wouldn't worry about it.

blackgirlmagic · November 2015

I told immediate family and we each told one friend each. They will be my support group through the good and the bad. The rest of our families will find out around Christmas, I will be around 12 weeks then, and the rest of the world will know sometime after the new year. But to answer your question no I do not think that you are crazy for telling the people that you had told. You can tell everyone you see that you are pregnant or you do not have to tell anyone. It's your baby, your life, your rules. Do whatever you want girl!

MsBeachNJ · November 2015

I don't think you're crazy - its your body- your baby - your decision. I was nervous to tell my mother as well for the very same reason. We told my parents & my in-laws this weekend after we had our 8 week appointment on Friday... they were all thrilled, and we told them we intended to tell everyone on both sides of the extended family at Thanksgiving when we are 10 weeks - I was nervous my Mom would frown on that but she was so excited for us and excited for us to tell people she started brainstorming ideas that we can reveal our news... I was so very relieved. At the end of the day, these are the people you'll lean on in good times & in bad your whole life, so whats the point in hiding it?

I also told my best friend and her partner, the night before I told my parents... I walked into her house and she just knew it right away... we couldn't hide it... it felt GOOD to tell people!

sboston06 · November 2015

I told DH and my good friends who we are traveling with this weekend. It has been SUCH a huge weight off my shoulders to just be honest. I was feeling really anxious and now I can just speak freely with them. Plus, they knew we were trying and knew before I even told them

we will be telling parents next week after we get our pregnancy announcement in the mail!

trucksntutus · November 2015

Psh! Who cares if people know! I told two of my very good friends the same day I told the father. He has told his immediate family already, but I've yet to tell mine but will this weekend. Not sure where this whole idea of hiding it came from, if something happens you'll need support from your friends/fam. I know I would! Don't feel guilty at all.

thebigoaktree · November 2015

You tell who ever you want. My family knows(well the ones I'm super close to), and a bunch of people at my job, but DH's side no one knows till after thanksgiving when he tells them. Oh he told his two best friends last weekend. It's really up to you. There's such a stigma with telling people before 12 weeks that I personally think should just go away.

halesnwhales · November 2015

Definitely don't feel guilty. I'm an open book, we couldn't hold out and what was just going to be us telling one really good friend each the day we found out, turned into us telling everyone by time I hit 8 weeks. We just couldn't hold in the excitement and I'm glad we didn't because it's been so nice having so much support when I've been feeling so awful.

holly142 · November 2015

I've told my parents, sister, DH'S parents, my ob and personal trainer. We plan to tell more family at Thanksgiving, and close friends after our 9 week ultrasound. We won't post on Facebook until 2nd trimester. All of these people will be there for us good or bad. We told these same people along with our bosses and best friends during our 1st pregnancy even though we knew the baby was probably not going to make it. They were amazingly supportive through everything. I will not post on Facebook until 12 weeks because I know how hard it is to tell 20 people that you've had a miscarriage. I can't imagine telling 100 people.

oandmplus1 · November 2015

I had a loss last cycle, and I ended up talking to some of my close family, and some of my co-workers because we work closely as a team. I was so emotional at work and it helped me to talk about it, I even learned a lot of them had losses too. I never kept it a secret. Many of them asked me why I hadn't told them I was pregnant (I had only known for a week when my betas stopped increasing and was only 4+ weeks when I lost the pregnancy).

Anyway, this time around, I still shared with my parents, three of my closest co-workers, DH's sister, and our best friends. I have an ultrasound scheduled this week, and I plan to tell the rest of my family and my team of co-workers at Thanksgiving, just under 7 weeks.

I have seen so many people lose someone they love unexpectedly, and I just think life is so precious, and things can change at any moment, why not celebrate every moment we can?

PugsandKisses · November 2015

Your pregnancy, your choice. I will probably tell work soon, since I deal with Xray and Chemo a lot. We are waiting till next week and to tell family at Thanks Giving.

MamaBish · November 2015

Not crazy.
We plan on waiting for a bit because if we get everyone's hopes up it hurts that much more if there is a loss. If we have a loss, we will tell them but there won't be quite as much pain for them hopefully.

noelietrex · November 2015

You're not the only crazy one! I told everyone at the gym, parents, my sister and her BF, about 4 coworkers, my manager, the directors of my department and HR. Plus a couple random friends... I vote tell whoever you want whenever you feel like it!

gigemily09 · November 2015

Read this blog post below, I think it's a great perspective on this issue. It's really up to you and what you want to do, I personally haven't told anyone yet, mainly because I just want the moment to be special when I tell our parents and I want them to be the first people we tell.

https://medium.com/the-archipelago/im-pregnant-so-why-cant-i-tell-you-271659d03f36

Myanswer true · November 2015

I told right away with DS, and again with this LO. I'm not one to keep much of anything to myself, though, and I think it's ridiculous that people are supposed to suffer in silence just because it makes some people uncomfortable (and I'm not just talking about baby loss either). Also, I was just so darn excited! lol

Lasscher · November 2015

Thank you all for your replies, have helped me feel so much better.

juliagulia38 · November 2015

I told all my family within a week of knowing. DH told his family and we announced it on Facebook last week. I'm 7 weeks today. This is my third so maybe I'm a little more relaxed about it all. You can tell whoever you want. I'm pregnant today and excited, so I wanted my friends and family to know too.

DobbysSock · November 2015

We've told quite a few people (my parents, DH's parents/step-parents, all siblings, my godmother, my best friend, another friend who just told me she's pregnant, DD's godmother and her wife, and a few of DH's friends). I told them all not to post anything online or broadcast it but that I'm not super concerned about keeping it a secret. We'll announce widely closer to 12 weeks.

Part of me tells early because I know I would want/need support if something was to happen, and because I want people to understand why I'm tired/cranky/whatever. I also feel like while there should not be a stigma about infertility and miscarriage, unfortunately there is one, with part of that being evidenced by the reaction some people have to an early pregnancy announcement. I think the more we talk about it, the more it breaks stigmas down. That's not to say everyone should talk openly about all of these things all the time, as some people are more private than others. But for those of us who are comfortable sharing, I think it can help tear down the stigmas.

pandamonium20 · November 2015

We immediately told our parents and one sibling each. I have a history of loss and don't want to have to retell that we lost the baby, if that happens. I also won't keep a miscarriage a secret. It just feels better for me personally to wait to be sure. ...That being said, I did tell one co-worker on accident.

I was having a rotten night and I was walking into an abandoned part of our building to be alone at 4 a.m. As I'm putting my key in the boiler room door, someone says 'boo!' I broke down sobbing (because pregnancy.) I felt I should tell him because he had no idea what he had done wrong.

Short version: Do what works for you. Tell if you're excited and want support in the case of a loss. Don't tell if you feel like you can't handle it.

WorkingMom562 · November 2015

We told immediately family the week we found out! I can't wait to tell everyone else! We're going to tell family in person thanksgiving and start telling our friends....it'll spread like wildfire.

Even having experienced a loss and having has to tell ppl I lost the baby, I wouldn't do it any other way. I feel like in the old days the wife's were supposed to take care of everything themselves and be more seen and not heard, that it just became this thing that you don't tell anyone. Maybe to say something and then experienced a loss made them feel like less of a woman? But that's just crazy!! I think we're stronger for telling early!

dolewhipper · November 2015

I hate this "wait till your first tri is over". F that Sh. I've told practically everyone I'm close to that I've seen in person (tbh, I don't see a lot of people in person though and family is all oot). I haven't told work but my coworkers I work closest to have already guessed anyways. I look and feel like a zombie, can't drink with my friends (red flag) and if something happens with this baby I will need support.

WinchestertoPittsburgh · November 2015

I know you've gotten a ton of responses, but i'm a big advocate now for now hiding a pregnancy. I've lost two babies this year. If I didn't have the support of people around me, I would have never made it through with my sanity in tact. From the beginning, you are growing a child. Whether or not you see that child, you can feel it inside you. You feel that presence with you. You should NEVER have to hide that just because 'what if something happens?' SO WHAT if something happens... would you hide the death of a living child? NO. So why should we ever be afraid to hide something so important to us, just because it might be sensitive or weird or awkward for others to hear?

MamaBish · November 2015

WinchestertoPittsburgh said:
I know you've gotten a ton of responses, but i'm a big advocate now for now hiding a pregnancy. I've lost two babies this year. If I didn't have the support of people around me, I would have never made it through with my sanity in tact. From the beginning, you are growing a child. Whether or not you see that child, you can feel it inside you. You feel that presence with you. You should NEVER have to hide that just because 'what if something happens?' SO WHAT if something happens... would you hide the death of a living child? NO. So why should we ever be afraid to hide something so important to us, just because it might be sensitive or weird or awkward for others to hear?

You know I love you.

I just want to point out that choosing to not tell yet does not mean we are avoiding it to save people from awkwardness or weirdness. I am choosing to not tell because I am trying to save my family from even more heartbreak. If we experience an early loss, people will know, I won't hide it and I won't be ashamed of it as someone else said. I'm just trying to protect my family from more pain.

WinchestertoPittsburgh · November 2015

@MamaBish, I realize what you're saying and I definitely think each person will have their own reasons for their timeline or way of elaborating the news. I didn't mean to generalize. That's my bad and i'm sorry.

What I meant to share as far as me advocating overall, is that when most people tell pregnant women to wait, it's because of the old standard. Something that has generally become standard practice overall, and that's what I feel like should change.

MrsRo731 · November 2015

I agree with you; I hate that there is a stigma around telling before 12 weeks. However, I think it depends on the person and how they want to handle it. Personally, I'm not telling anyone until after my first appointment. Everyone handles loss differently and for some, they don't want to talk about it. We will tell close family around 7 weeks and wait until 12 or so weeks for everyone else - maybe even later. That's just me, though. A few months ago my cousin had a stillbirth at 37 weeks and my heart hurt for her; the truth is, there's never a 'safe' point and that is very difficult to live with. We need to make these decisions based on what we feel is the best choice for us and our family while not feeling judged by others.

xc1148 · November 2015

My rule of thumb is that I'll tell whoever I want, as long as I would be okay telling them if something went bad. For me, this is a small group. I'm just a cautious person. I've told 2 best friends and my hubby. I will tell my parents/family at thanksgiving afte rmy doctor appointment, but I won't tell anyone else until I see the heartbeat or 12 weeks.

ButterMyBiscuit · November 2015

The only people that know anything thus far are one coworker, one close friend, and my sister and her husband. My husband's grandmother died almost a month ago and I'm really just trying to protect my MIL. If we told her now and then something went wrong, it would hurt her when she's already in such a tender state. I know everything is fine but we want to wait until after the first appointment to be certain. Otherwise, I would've told her by now.

ijstarr28 · November 2015

I'm ready to tell everyone, but I dont want my family finding out in another way other than from me. I also want to tell them in person. They will be told on Thanksgiving. I will probably post something on FB later the next week. We had a sonogram and Dr said we're in the 95% + range of nothing happening.

LittleLunarMouse · November 2015

I think you're spot on about the cultural taboo of people not sharing so that others don't have to deal with your pain. After my loss I thought "I don't want anyone to know until I'm 16weeks" because I shared super early last time. But you know what? The outpouring of love and support was real. Even though I didn't want to talk about it, it helped immensely that those I loved knew, and I knew that they were there for me and cared for me. So I didn't keep it a secret this time. Everyone at work knows. Close friends know. The fam will find out on Thanksgiving. The rest of the world will know around Christmas. At the end of the day I want to be able to share my pain if it happens, and I don't want to pretend like this baby never existed. I hope all we have to share with each other is joy, but it's comforting knowing they'll be there for me if I need it. I say do whatever feels right to you. Your life, your baby!

hwal98 · November 2015

We told our parents and siblings immediately. We told a few close close close friends pretty soon after as well. A few other friends guessed due to me not drinking and going out as much, and we knew we could trust them with our secret, so we told them. I told my boss about a week ago because I travel frequently for work, and I wanted her to be aware of what was going on, just in case. And it stops there so far! I'm going to wait a few more weeks before telling the world, and social media won't know until Christmas. I'm 7 weeks today. So your not crazy! We told a lot of people early too.

nopegoat · November 2015

We have told family and close friends shortly after I got my BFP with all 4 now. There isn't a right or wrong answer. Just whatever you are comfortable with.

jessdes15 · November 2015

First time around we'd told most of our friends, family, colleagues etc by 8w. Suffered a mc at 10w which was unbelievably heartbreaking, but I couldn't have done it without that support. Support from family and friends and even with getting time off work. The hardest thing (especially from a FTM) is when everyone shares stories of their pregnancies, and your expected to just hold your tongue and pretend yours never happened. It did happen! It was real! And I'm not ashamed that I lost it. It hurt a hell of a lot but that's what got me through is being able to acknowledge my loss, not sweet it under a rug and pretend it never happened.

DP did however go a little overboard and told too many ppl he didn't see on the regular, who never got the heads up that we lost it. seeing them recently has been a bit of a hard experience for him having to rehash it all and update them that we were no longer expecting.

I'm 7w3d and this time have shared the news with family and close friends already. Planning on telling work next week. Although this time round we're being more cautious about telling the people we don't see on the regular.

MrsRo731 · November 2015

@jessdes15 - I'm sorry for your previous loss. I want to point out that not telling people doesn't mean it's being 'swept under the rug' or we're 'pretending it never happened.' It's a personal decision and what's right for you may not be right for another couple.

Murrington · November 2015

I honestly don't have a ton of people to tell, but our parents will know by this weekend (I'll be 6 weeks by then). Other VIPs will know within the next month. I'm mainly telling them because if this pregnancy is anything like my last one I will be sick for the next 35 weeks and I could really use their help and support. Also, we're really excited and are bad at keeping secrets! I didn't do a Facebook announcement at all last time, and just kind of posted 'Hey! He's here. Isn't he cute?" when my DS was actually born.

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