Should I be annoyed or am I overreacting? - Update (in comments)

Kimbarbour08 · November 2015

Yesterday I was talking with one of my SIL’s and she mentioned something that has me a little annoyed. She was asking me if I’ve been checking what is getting reserved off of the registry and if there are any items we still really need so if people ask she can let them know. In the conversation, I mentioned how I was happy that the car seat and extra base had been reserved, and she told me that the family had gotten it (which I kind of had figure out already) but that they got us an entirely different one than what we registered for and did not get the extra base but marked it on the registry so no one would buy the incompatible base. I guess that my other two SIL’s who have kids made an executive decision to choose something different (I’m not sure if it was because of price, safety, or what).

To add a little background, a few weeks prior I had gotten a text from one of my SIL’s asking if we would be ok with different patterns or brands for items, to which I said sure, we’re not picky. I guess I didn’t think that they would go with an entirely different item for something so big when I said it was ok. I’m also irritated because I asked my SIL’s with kids several times to check our registry items in case there was anything they thought we shouldn’t get/should get a different item of. After that, my SIL had suggested getting a jogging stroller instead of the travel system we had on it at the time. So I went back to the drawing board to research strollers (and now also car seats) to find one that was safe, practical, sturdy, and affordable. I finally did find a stroller, and then went on a quest to find a compatible car seat that was also safe, practical, and affordable and then I told my SIL I had added it. So she had a chance, even an invitation, to tell me if she thought we should get something different.

I truly appreciate my family’s generosity, and I don’t want to seem ungrateful. I just wish that instead of just buying something completely different that my SIL’s would have told me they thought we should register for a different car seat. I listened to their advice before and would have most likely gladly changed the item, but now I have no idea what we’re getting. And I don’t know if the one they got has any base (I know they’re not necessary, but it seems so much more convenient for taking in and out of the car) and I don’t know if it will be compatible with the stroller we picked out (and they bought). I’m sure it will work out fine, and again I appreciate them even getting us this stuff, but I just wish they went about it differently. I feel like all the time and work I put in to researching items to choose what I thought would be best is just being completely disregarded.

End of rant.

miss071311 · November 2015

I would be so annoyed! the point in the registry is for people to get you what YOU want/pick out (well, and to not duplicate, I guess). I would either say something to your SIL or just wait until you receive the car seat/base from her and then return them and get what you wanted. being flexible with patterns and brands is one thing for clothes or crib sheets, but not for car seats or strollers or things for which you spend time researching about safety!

VitaLuna · November 2015

With a safety item like that, I'd be annoyed. It wouldn't bother me of I put on the green set of blankets and they got pink, or a certain kind of diapers and they got another (because you can exchange), but the car seat thing is annoying. Fingers crossed it comes with a receipt or is one that's carried at a major chain like Target or BRU that will exchange without a receipt.

glitteryant · November 2015

I would be annoyed. When you get it, I guess you can return it if it isn't compatible with your other items? That's crazy that they just picked their own thing for you after you researched what you wanted.

Karen249 · November 2015

I can see why you would be frustrated however I would just wait and see what you get and return/exchange what you don't want later. I would just let in ride. That way no feelings are hurt in the process and you will still get what you feel is best for you and the baby.

Shatzegirl · November 2015

I would be annoyed, too. Sounds like she took what you said about being flexible a little TOO seriously. I agree with @Karen249, though about exchanging it if you don't like it.

Kimbarbour08 · November 2015

Thank you! I really wouldn't have minded them telling me that they thought I should go with something else, but to just get it and not say anything is really annoying to me. My SIL probably wouldn't have even told me if I hadn't mentioned the car seat and base. At least now I can mentally prepare to act surprised but not mad at the shower

I can't imagine it was a price thing now that I looked back either, the seat was less than $100. Ugh. Family.

Monkeybutt80 · November 2015

That's a tough one. I think it's reasonable for you to be annoyed by it. But, if you voice something directly to them, you can and will probably come across as ungrateful for the gift. I think there is a fine line that's easy to cross between hoping that people stick to the registry and demanding that they do or getting upset when they don't.

I wouldn't raise this issue with them. I would wait and see what they got you at the shower. Then you can do some research about the specific one they got you. Hopefully they got you something very comparable that you would be happy to use. If not, I would go ahead and exchange it for the one that you want.

mcklough · November 2015

DH and I had to talk MIL down last weekend from purchasing an 850 travel system. We had reasons behind what we registered for. It was awkward but she brought it up to us like "can I buy this?" "what about this?"

Kimbarbour08 · November 2015

Monkeybutt80 said:

That's a tough one. I think it's reasonable for you to be annoyed by it. But, if you voice something directly to them, you can and will probably come across as ungrateful for the gift. I think there is a fine line that's easy to cross between hoping that people stick to the registry and demanding that they do or getting upset when they don't.
I wouldn't raise this issue with them. I would wait and see what they got you at the shower. Then you can do some research about the specific one they got you. Hopefully they got you something very comparable that you would be happy to use. If not, I would go ahead and exchange it for the one that you want.

I think I may talk to my MIL (she's very reasonable and understanding about things) just to maybe find out what one they got or if they checked if it is compatible with the stroller. I'm sure whatever they got is safe and everything, because they clearly gave it thought, but I am just worried about it being able to go with the stroller since I did a lot of digging to make sure the one I registered for did go with it. Or I may just wait and see what they get like PP have said. I do kind of want to talk to her just to express my feelings without having to worry about backlash from my SIL's (they can take things very personally). Again, I'm very grateful to them for getting us these gifts, but now I have this little anxiety in the back of my mind that is just really irritating me.

MamaFroFro · November 2015

If it were me I would just go with the flow and not stress about it. Yes I agree it's annoying but really in the grand scheme of things, it's not that big of a deal, and if it is really an issue, just exchange or return what won't work. I do agree that you have every right to be annoyed with the situation though.

acuteangles · November 2015

I think you have the right to be annoyed by this, especially since you have expressed your gratitude at the gesture but annoyance at the way they went about it. I would just graciously accept whatever they give you, and then just do some research on it. If it's not compatible or you simply just don't like it, I would exchange it for what you really want. If they notice after the baby comes, simply explain to them that while you really appreciated the original gift, you needed to get something that worked with your stroller, and it was most cost effective and easy to make the exchange.

PinkRoses · November 2015

I personally wouldn't say anything to your SILs OR your MIL. Things have a way of getting back to people, and when they do, they're can become a little "emotionally amplified." I know it will be hard, and I know that we all want to have as much planned out ahead of time as possible cus Lord knows when the delivery and days after the birth are completely out of control! However I think saying something may do more harm than good at this point. If they bought you the stroller, then presumably they've made sure that it will be compatible with the car seat. Maybe they didn't get the base because this seat has a different system? I don't know what their logic is, but it's possible they've thought of something you haven't.

I say just wait til after the shower, and then exchange if you have to. It could really backfire to say anything, and these kinds of relationships can be fragile sometimes.

In the meantime, feel free to vent to us instead! To that end, I can say that YES I would be annoyed, because a car seat is a major purchase with huge safety and lifestyle ramifications and you should be able to get what you want! Who messes with that kind of thing without talking to you about it first!?!

Kimbarbour08 · November 2015

PinkRoses said:

In the meantime, feel free to vent to us instead! To that end, I can say that YES I would be annoyed, because a car seat is a major purchase with huge safety and lifestyle ramifications and you should be able to get what you want! Who messes with that kind of thing without talking to you about it first!?!

Part of why I love TB . . . I can vent! Lol thank you ladies!

Twindling · November 2015

Don't say anything. I'd be frustrated mainly because I'm a car seat nazi and I chose my seats based on many other things than price & looks. They'll get the hint when they see you toting baby around in something other than what you were gifted.

mrsc12414 · November 2015

I'm sorry your going through this. I would be so annoyed .. Thank goodness for returns ! My mil and sils have done similar things to get things to their taste and not what Dh and I have chosen too.. It's so annoying and so hard to act happy excited when really you just want to scream! Not to sound ungrateful disrespectful etc like you said .. But like you said it's frustrating because hello you researched it etc !!! Ugh I'm sorry I hope it gets better

Kimbarbour08 · November 2015

Thanks for all the support ladies! I'm sure it'll work out fine, and like many said hopefully I can return for a different one if it is a problem. My hope is that they got us a better one because of their parenting experience (5 kids between the two of them vs. me being a FTM), especially since the one I had registered for was probably one of the least expensive ones out there (while still being very safe of course). It feels so good to just vent! I definitely do NOT want to cause any family drama over this, which is why I didn't freak out when my SIL told me.

SoSweetTea1124 · November 2015

I would totally just return whatever they got you and exchange it for the one you actually wanted. Plus you could probably also save yourself some money by exchanging it for a gift card and then using your registry completion code for $$ off....

purpletulip · November 2015

Kimbarbour08 said:
Thanks for all the support ladies! I'm sure it'll work out fine, and like many said hopefully I can return for a different one if it is a problem. My hope is that they got us a better one because of their parenting experience (5 kids between the two of them vs. me being a FTM), especially since the one I had registered for was probably one of the least expensive ones out there (while still being very safe of course). It feels so good to just vent! I definitely do NOT want to cause any family drama over this, which is why I didn't freak out when my SIL told me.

My thought also- since you picked out an inexpensive seat maybe they decided to "upgrade" you. In my opinion, that's being super nice instead of taking the attitude "oh, we know better than her so we'll just get whatever we want". Fingers crossed that's what it is!
You should come back and update us after your shower, haha!

christy=moore · November 2015

I feel for you, most all infant carseats come with one base these days. This is the only item I am being picky about because I know all carseats have to meet a standard to be sold but some are still have higher crash/safety features. With car crash statistics this is one item that can save your baby's life. I did not put my carseat on the registry for this reason. I specifically told my family we would purchase the carseat. The one we purchased has more safety features and is more expensive then your average graco, evenflo, etc.. I have been a nanny for many years though before getting pregnant and I have used several carseat brands through the years between my 6 nieces and my babies/children at work. I wanted high safety features and ease of use.

Kimbarbour08 · November 2015

Update:

The shower was Saturday and went over really well! My SIL who organized it did an amazing job and everything was beautiful and our friends and family were very generous. It turns out that they got an entirely different travel system, so the seat and stroller do go together and it did come with a car seat base. Also, I've looked it up and I am pleased with the safety and features, and it seems really easy to use. Phew! What a relief!

PinkRoses · November 2015

Yay! So glad thing worked out and you're happy!!!

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