SO against breastfeeding?

WBORDERS · November 2015

My DH doesn't want me to breastfeed. I think it's because he's personally uncomfortable with it. He says it's because he doesn't think it's necessary and it's hard. Basically saying that it's a difficult thing to do and why would I go through that if I can just run to the grocery store and get formula.

Anyone else have this issue? How do I deal with it?

ivyvines6 · November 2015

WBORDERS said:
My DH doesn't want me to breastfeed. I think it's because he's personally uncomfortable with it. He says it's because he doesn't think it's necessary and it's hard. Basically saying that it's a difficult thing to do and why would I go through that if I can just run to the grocery store and get formula.

Anyone else have this issue? How do I deal with it?

My sister went through this with her ex husband and both of her kids. I don't really have any advice for you as I'm a FTM but I hope you get it figured out.

sarahufl · November 2015

My H is supportive- but he would probably be supportive of whatever I chose.

Does he know people who have BF'd before? I wonder if he hasn't really ever been exposed to it so he doesn't really get it.

What about classes or something? Do you think maybe he just needs more information? I think that how you feed and care for a baby should be a group decision- you shouldn't get to unilaterally decide, but he shouldn't either. Have you told him how you feel? Maybe make a list of why it is important to you (assuming it is, based on this post) and then sit down and have a conversation?

amaniupendo · November 2015

Take him to a class
Show him the math of money savings
Show him studies with the health benefits
Make the decision on your own.

momofmanyinthemitten · November 2015

DH is a pediatrician, so he was on board with bfing. However, we took a bfing class together and he said he was glad that he went because he learned a few new things and felt better able to assist me. All but one of the women in the class brought their SOs with them. I agree with pp that attending a class might help him see how beneficial (and easier) it is than formula. It's way easier to pull out a boob and nurse than it is to go to the kitchen, mix a bottle, and heat it up.

Poppy16 · November 2015

Maybe show him how expensive formula feeding is, over a span of a year. This article says it will cost $1,700 to formula feed for one year. That's a ton of $$!

https://www.thesimpledollar.com/how-much-money-does-breastfeeding-really-save/

brie_and_almonds · November 2015

I don't have advice other than what PP have said, and if you do decide to BF, seek out support of other family members, Le Leche League or online communities because it can be very very challenging and not having your DH supporting you 100% on this may be hard.

kalanieileen · November 2015

amaniupendo said:
Take him to a class
Show him the math of money savings
Show him studies with the health benefits
Make the decision on your own.

THIS. I'm sorry if this may come off rude, but why wouldn't anyone want to at least try to BF? The health benefits should be number one priority. I understand it may be very challenging and it could possibly not work out.. But to not at least try?

brie_and_almonds · November 2015

Oh andplusalso, obviously this is secondary to the health and intelligence benefits, but BF poop and spitup are less stinky.

NachosAndPeaches · November 2015

I know you hear how hard it is, and it can be hard for many, but for me, it wasn't hard. I'm not trying to brag, just showing a different perspective. I was very informed beforehand and had a good support system. Honestly, everything with newborns is hard, even bottle feeding. Is it the right formula, is it causing them gas, oh fuck I don't have a clean bottle and baby is hungry again, etc. My DH was uncomfortable with me nursing in public at first and very quickly got over it when he realized, a, Idgaf I'm doing it anyway, and b, it's not a big deal and nobody notices. I would just put my foot down and if it's something you want to do tell him, well I'll be pursuing this whether you're comfortable or not.

K&Elizabeth · November 2015

Is your hubby the fixer type? Maybe he's feeling like its something that he can't help you with. He's heard how hard it can be (but isn't always) and is worried that he won't be able to save the day. I agree with what all PPs have said. Take him to a class, show him the monetary and financial benefits, and then tell him that you want to breastfeed and you deserve the chance to try. If it doesn't work out, fine, but him not liking the idea isn't really a valid enough reason to not give it a shot in my opinion.

Mailmans Baby Momma · November 2015

That sucks. I like pp suggestions. Ultimately, if he's not willing to listen because he's uncomfortable with it, you may have to try it without his support...not ideal, but I wouldn't trade bfing my son for anything. And it was difficult for me, but I would have done it anyways without the support of DH.

TKaiser91 · November 2015

I ha this problem with DH with our first. For him it was because the women in his family never BFd. They didnt even try because they felt it was unnecessary because of formula. So he grew up with that mindset, whereas i did not. Then after delivery he swears he heard the doctor say it was better to formula feed instead of BF. I told him he misheard, which he did cause i was sitting right there, and i would be BFing. He was also concerned about not being able to help feed DD because he didnt want to mess up heating up the breast milk and make her sick. It took me explaining breast milk instructions a few times after delivery, but he got it and it wasnt a huge deal. Also, once i went back to work after six weeks my milk stopped coming in (i still swear its because of the stress) so we had to switch to formula at that point anyways. Just make a point to tell him this is really important for you to try, and to please give you the chance.

RoseGold10 · November 2015

No boobs, no vote.

If I could post the "no uterus, no opinion" gif I would.

sarahufl · November 2015

RoseGold10 said:

No boobs, no vote. If I could post the "no uterus, no opinion" gif I would.

See, I disagree with this entirely. I don't feel that, as a woman, I get to make ALL THE CHOICES for my family. I chose to start a family with my husband and we will work together to make the best decisions possible. While I disagree with OPs husband, I also don't think she gets to call all the shots, no questions asked.

I feel like you set yourself up for issues with your SO in the long run if you insist on making the decisions because you have the uterus. It is a bad precedent.

RoseGold10 · November 2015

I get that it's hard to sense the tone over the Internet but it's not like I was dead serious there.

I don't think it's right for either person in the relationship to call all the shots for whatever reason, and that includes how the OP's DH is acting now. I think it's incredibly bizarre that he's so unsupportive of the idea, but that aside, he can't be the only one making the call.

But, if I'm being totally honest, in this extremely specific situation, I don't exactly feel like it should be a 50/50 thing, either.

Bootsie327 · November 2015

In addition to what all the pps said, maybe remind him that breastfeeding = him getting up less in the night. Might be a good selling point.

zazouille · November 2015

Maybe he is afraid of being left out if you breastfeed, and if you formula feed he can be as involved with and as "important" to the baby as you.

elasticheart13 · November 2015

It's funny with these husbands how affected they are with the way the women do it in their families. In DHs family all the women chose c-sections and would not go for natural labor for some weird reason and DH felt very strongly about this and wanted me to go for a c-section too. Once I explained to him the pros and cons of each he could see there was no reason to put myself through a c-section voluntarily (not like I get to chose in Denmark which was also one of my points). Perhaps your husband is the same with BF.

ivyvines6 · November 2015

kalanieileen said:

amaniupendo said:
Take him to a class
Show him the math of money savings
Show him studies with the health benefits
Make the decision on your own.
THIS. I'm sorry if this may come off rude, but why wouldn't anyone want to at least try to BF? The health benefits should be number one priority. I understand it may be very challenging and it could possibly not work out.. But to not at least try?

While I completely agree with you I've heard the argument that we've evolved past this method of feeding, and it isn't in the feministic code to not share 100% of responsibility of child care with your S/O. I plan on breastfeeding, and I feel more empowered for choosing that. (Thinking positive to help with "unforeseeable complications" that tend to get mentioned.)

Some women feel very strange with the idea that their breasts are not just for sexual stimulation, and can't get past that.

WBORDERS · November 2015

K&Elizabeth said:
Is your hubby the fixer type? Maybe he's feeling like its something that he can't help you with. He's heard how hard it can be (but isn't always) and is worried that he won't be able to save the day. I agree with what all PPs have said. Take him to a class, show him the monetary and financial benefits, and then tell him that you want to breastfeed and you deserve the chance to try. If it doesn't work out, fine, but him not liking the idea isn't really a valid enough reason to not give it a shot in my opinion.

It think this is it. I'm the worrier, he's the fixer. He did say that he feels like he wouldn't be able to help. I think I'll need to explain to him that it's important to me and he can help me immensely by being there and being supportive. If BF turns out to be a challenge for me I know that it will be so hard to hear him tell me to just give up.
I encouraged him to do some research. He's a realistic person. He was anti vaccine until he did the research. Hopefully he will come around on this too.

WBORDERS · November 2015

Plus- I can always pull the well the ladies on the bump told me..... Since he's the one that recommended the site to me.

akb1125 · November 2015

I definitely recommend taking a breadtfeeding class with him! My husband came with me and most women in the class has their husbands there as well. I feel like I can tell him the same things over and over again, but when someone else say the same thing, it clicks.

cmjenkies · November 2015

I think out of the two of us, I'm the one who has a history of feeling uncomfortable with personally breastfeeding - I remember being in the hospital with DS (Jan '11) and was working on our latch when a group of our friends came in to the room unannounced and I felt so embarrassed to be feeding in front of them that I immediately unlatched and took him off. It all felt very awkward, because nobody else that I knew even tried to BF. I hate that memory but it stuck with me and I felt uncomfortable BFing around just about anybody else from that point forward. I BFd/pumped for about 4-6 wks then we switched to formula. Between work and school and our living situation it was just tough no matter what we did. Eli had bad reflux with everything, breast milk and formula, so that was a joy in itself..

DH is supportive of any choice re: feeding. I am really, really wanting to BF/pump this time around exclusively and I'm hoping that with a more stable living situation that it'll feel more natural and since its more common in my family/social circle now I'm hoping I won't have those feelings I did last time. We had no problems with supply or latch last time around, just my weird insecurities. I always envied moms who I saw comfortably and confidently BFing wherever they had to and wished I could do that too.

skyrockets · November 2015

It's not just running to the grocery store for formula. There are significant cleaning regimens and/or equipment to buy. There is plenty to keep up with a newborn without adding bottle washing/sterilizing/formula preparing.

NachosAndPeaches · November 2015

Knottie9983816 said:

kalanieileen said:

amaniupendo said:
Take him to a class
Show him the math of money savings
Show him studies with the health benefits
Make the decision on your own.
THIS. I'm sorry if this may come off rude, but why wouldn't anyone want to at least try to BF? The health benefits should be number one priority. I understand it may be very challenging and it could possibly not work out.. But to not at least try?
While I completely agree with you I've heard the argument that we've evolved past this method of feeding, and it isn't in the feministic code to not share 100% of responsibility of child care with your S/O. I plan on breastfeeding, and I feel more empowered for choosing that. (Thinking positive to help with "unforeseeable complications" that tend to get mentioned.)

Some women feel very strange with the idea that their breasts are not just for sexual stimulation, and can't get past that.

I'm a huge lactivist and breastfed for 19 months but I have learned that not everyone wants to try to BF and that is perfectly fine. It's not for everyone. Maybe they're terrified of post partum depression, maybe it feels weird to them, maybe they don't want the sole responsibility of feeding baby, etc. It's personal for everyone and while "breast is best" I don't think any 5 year old is different from his or her peers because they were or were not breastfed.

MrsZko · November 2015

My husband didn't really have an opinion - he was FF. I was very set in that I really wanted to breastfeed probably because I was breastfed. I basically had to explain to him many times before but mostly after DS was born and when it was hard in the beginning of the reasons why I wanted to breastfeed. Yes it's cheaper than formula, I believed it provided the best nutrition based on what I had researched, it gave DS and I a special bond that I really treasured and ultimately I was the one getting up at night to feed him and I really didn't want to deal with mixing bottles in the middle of the night. Obviously if breastfeeding had not been successful (which in nearly was due to an upper and lower tongue tie that remained undiagnosed for months, but I was very persistent and consulted lactation consultants) I would have done formula and that would have been that. DH was immensely supportive once he saw how much it meant to me and how passionate i was about it. I don't think I would have been able to stick with it otherwise.

Somersky · November 2015

OP, good on you--it sounds like you've got a good plan to handle the situation.

That said...

I try to temper my posts on TB, but after sitting here and thinking over whether to say this or not, I decided to say it to see if I'm the only one who feels this way... No offense is meant, but with all the diplomatic reactions by PPs, I'm wondering if I'm the only one whose first reaction to these "situations" (SOs weirded out by vaginal birth, BFing, diapers, etc.) is, like, WTF? It baffles me.

When decisions need to be made, I think the partner with the most knowledge about the pros and cons should be the decision-making leader, and the partner with less knowledge should either get informed or get on board. So when it comes to car repairs or gardening, I get on board with what DH thinks is best--because he knows a lot more than me about those things. When it comes to BFing, delayed cord clamping, and various other baby-related decisions, DH is fascinated by it and is either on board with what I want to do (because I know more about it) or is doing his own research to get comfortable or give me a different viewpoint. It's a give and take, but like @RoseGold10 suggested, it's not a 50/50 voting situation.

RoseGold10 · November 2015

@Somersky did we just become best friends?

K&Elizabeth · November 2015

WBORDERS said:

Is your hubby the fixer type? Maybe he's feeling like its something that he can't help you with. He's heard how hard it can be (but isn't always) and is worried that he won't be able to save the day. I agree with what all PPs have said. Take him to a class, show him the monetary and financial benefits, and then tell him that you want to breastfeed and you deserve the chance to try. If it doesn't work out, fine, but him not liking the idea isn't really a valid enough reason to not give it a shot in my opinion.
It think this is it. I'm the worrier, he's the fixer. He did say that he feels like he wouldn't be able to help. I think I'll need to explain to him that it's important to me and he can help me immensely by being there and being supportive. If BF turns out to be a challenge for me I know that it will be so hard to hear him tell me to just give up. I encouraged him to do some research. He's a realistic person. He was anti vaccine until he did the research. Hopefully he will come around on this too.

I want to give you a 1000 high fives for bringing him around to the pro-vaccine side.

Somersky · November 2015

@RoseGold10 I do believe we did.

mrstrax · November 2015

thegoudalife said:

My motto is, "Breast is best for baby as long as breast is best for mom."

Breastfeeding is a mutual relationship and both parties have to be willing to work at that relationship. If one isn't, the relationship will suffer. If baby doesn't want to latch and mom forces it, baby may become frustrated and associate the breast negatively. If mom isn't up to breastfeeding/has supply issues/is on medication and struggles with every feeding, her mental health will take a toll. Both sides will be frustrated and have added stress when that age is ideal for bonding with one another.

I love this. DD and I fought flat nipples/latch and supply issues to BF for 4.5 months and I also had to pump enough to be away for a long weekend at 5 months. Pretty much the entirety of her 4th month I full on resented her need/desire to eat. I hated life and was in complete denial of the depression that had set in - but I had SO MUCH mom guilt for even considering being done with BFing because "breast is best"... Fortunately, DH was incredibly supportive and gently pushed me towards formula in hopes that I would actually like our child more often than I resented her.
Am I going to attempt to BF with DS in April? You bet, even the few days of colostrum would be fantastic for starting out his immune system. But I'm sure as heck not going to let anyone make me feel like a bad mom for doing what was best for ME in feeding my child this time around.

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