Telling Someone with Infertility

chelseay416 · November 2015

Hi all!

I was hoping for some advice. DH and I are traveling to his brothers house for Thanksgiving this year. We were planning on telling them about the pregnancy. From my understanding, they've been trying to get pregnant for more than 2 years without luck - we haven't been nosy about their progress or what issues they might have so I really don't know. I want them to share in our excitement, but I don't want to seem insensitive. Anyone else struggling with something similar? Any advice about how to go about breaking the news would be greatly appreciated!!

Huskerfanz · November 2015

Email them before!!

I can't get pregnant without infertility treatments and while we are TTC, it is so much better to get the news via email or text instead of in person. Then I can process the news and not feel forced to react a certain way.

Also, they might not want to talk pregnancy or baby stuff or hear much about it so I would try to respect that and follow their lead.

goldie987 · November 2015

Ditto to PP, send them an email ahead of time. It gives them time to react as they need to and they don't have to save face for you or anyone else there. It also allows them time to excuse themselves from the table when they know you're about to announce.

purplefan1 · November 2015

I agree. Email or call ahead of time or if you want to tell them face to face, sit down with them before the rest of the family. I had a miscarriage in April and was still struggling with the loss when my SIL announced on mother's day that they were pregnant. Having her talk about how easy it was to conceive (it took us a bit) and this being her second, I really struggled to be happy for her in that moment. I was envious and angry. But if I had known ahead of time, it wouldn't have felt as awkward.

Also, when you get a chance, ask them what information they would like to be included on. Getting her sonogram text in the middle of the day when I wasnt ready for it also presented a challenge for me. I finally told her how I felt and we made a deal that she would update me on anything necessary, but otherwise I would come to her to ask about the pregnancy. Just knowing she cared about my feelings and needs helped me get past my own stuff and get pumped for her.

Corts · November 2015

I think this is just very insensitive, sorry.
They will be hosting this dinner at their home, and after Ttc for so long I'm sure they are very emotional on the holidays. I would figure out a different day to do it, with a private email to them beforehand.

fishwife799 · November 2015

My BIL and SIL have been trying for over 3 years now. We have had to tell hen twice I was pregnant during this time. My H called his brother and told him and allowed him to tell SIL so she could react and then talk to us. I think it has helped because it gives them time to feel their feeling without having to put on a face for you. I would most definitely tell them over an email or even a phone call to BIL from your H. Good luck!

Corts · November 2015

Sgoldberg247 said:
Ditto to PP, send them an email ahead of time. It gives them time to react as they need to and they don't have to save face for you or anyone else there. It also allows them time to excuse themselves from the table when they know you're about to announce.

Why should they have to excuse themselves from their own table?? Why not just avoid the possibility altogether?

chelseay416 · November 2015

Thank you guys for the input. It took me awhile to get pregnant as well but I haven't miscarried or been diagnosed with anything that would cause infertility so I'm glad to get that perspective!

HBamama2B · November 2015

DH and had to do IVF while several loved ones got knocked up, so I'm from your SILs side of the fence. And I agree- send an email! Don't announce at their dinner and expect excitement, and don't expect excitement even if you email. You don't know what they've been through this month or the 23 before. You're about to co-opt their dinner, so please be considerate as you include them and the family in your joy.

@chelseay416 I understand what you're saying about it 'took you a while,' but please please please, without knowing what their Dx is (beyond not being able to conceive after two years)--don't share that you 'took a while' or 'struggled' Bc quite frankly, you didn't.

I have friends who became pregnant while we were trying and I was genuinely happy for them and wanted to hear every detail of their pregnancy. (Some of us infertile Isabelles like to live vicariously through you fertile myrtles.

) this may be your SIL. The only thing anyone said that upset me was when they tried to share sympathy about our infertility by talking about their 'struggle' over three months and how heartbroken they were to get those two bfn. Umm, sorry. Until a dr does months of tests on you and says IVF or bust and your getting stuck in the ass or stomach every night by giant needles or you've lost a baby after seeing its tiny hb and spastic wiggle, you have not struggled. Your a happy, healthy mom and that's a good thing!

If she shows interest tell her honestly that youre excited to share but don't want to cause hurt and ask what specific information she's interested in or would prefer not to hear. Also, the time has come--if you have a private moment, open the conversation. Ask if she'd like to talk about their struggle and where they're at. Dx, outlook, plans etc. she may feel more excitement for you if she can open up about how excited they are to have a large number of follicles this cycle! There are lots of positive and happy steps forward in TTC that she would probably really love to share.

chelseay416 · November 2015

I talked dh into telling them beforehand.

Thanks everyone for the advice, it's much appreciated!

Corts · November 2015

Really, in their own house? I cannot word enough how disrespectful and insensitive this. A table full of family members will be fawning over a pregnancy that is not theirs. If anyone put me in this position in my own home on a holiday (no less) this would ruin my relationship with them for a long time. The problem I see with many threads on this board (again, just being honest, not to start sh*t) is that some women just get so excited about a BFP that they abandon all common sense and fixate on their feelings only. We need to understand that the rest of the world and it's problems are not stopping because we are pregnant.
Anyway, have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

HBamama2B · November 2015

@Corts I see what your point is, but I disagree. OP showed her care for their feelings by posting this discussion in the first place and by stating prior to your post that she would be looping in the BIL/SIL beforehand. It makes sense to share the news at a family event and discussing with them in advance are actions she should take regardless of the location. While these steps are necessary, it would be disingenuous and unfair to the struggling couple not to include them in the joy and family moment of the announcement. Just because we can't have babies of our own, doesn't mean we want to be treated with kid gloves or left out when our loved ones do. The hope of the couple is that their time will come soon. And who knows? Maybe they have an announcement of their own?!

june2016baby · November 2015

I have a similar problem. My brother and his wife have been trying for about four years and have had over a year of unsuccessful fertility Thanksgiving isn't at his house, but they'll be there.

At first I figured I'd tell everyone at Thanksgiving, as it may be kind of obvious. I will be 13 weeks on Thanksgiving, and I'm already showing a bit. Plus my breasts are so huge now, that they might give me away.

However, I've thought long and hard about this as and have decided NOT to tell them (or extended family) until after Thanksgiving. I think some people may wonder, though. With a shirt that hides my bump a bit, I think don't think anyone would be bold enough to ask.

My plan is to email my brother and his wife the following week. At that point, it will give them a few weeks to prepare before seeing me again at Christmas. It's just so unfair that I accidentally got pregnant with number four, while she's been unable to conceive. She is over 5 years younger than me though, so there is still hope! I think that my plan is going to prevent hard feeling that may have occurred if I told everyone at Thanksgiving. There'd probably be a lot of gushing and attention in me if I did an official announcement. But I think if people find out after Thanksgiving, it will be a bit of "old news" by Christmas. Plus Christmas is a busy holiday, and she'll only have to see me part of it.

I have a LOT of guilt over this! I am secretly holding on to the hope that THEY'LL surprise everyone with their own happy news. I realize this is most likely not going to happen, but I sure hope.

violetmarie61516 · November 2015

This is such a tough topic for me personally. We've been TTC for almost 5 years now, unsuccessful obviously. We went through the whole gamete of fertility treatments (IUI, IVF, Donor Embryos, etc.). I can not carry a baby even if is not mine. My husband and I have been forever changed by our infertility. I've heard even after you adopt or by other means have a family, infertiles still are affected by others' pregnancy announcements. I believe that will be us as well.

We recently found out that my husband's cousin is expecting her second (a surprise) after conceiving their first with infertility treatments. She actually went to the same clinic that I went to at one point. Only she was only there for two months before getting pregnant and I was there for over a year without success. Their LO is 1 year yesterday and their second is now due in May. Announced on Facebook of course.

Now, my mother in law just told us tonight that this same cousin's brother is expecting their first and they are planning to announce at Christmas. I appreciate being aware of it in advance so that I can go through the emotions on our own rather than being an emotional wreck when they would make their announcement. I may true to avoid the situation all together and not go to the family Christmas gathering at all. We'll see.

So the answer, in my opinion, ALWAYS try to give them a heads up ahead of time. If they want to talk they will but also give them space and understand that not everyone can express their excitement if they are hurt by their own infertilities.

chelseay416 · November 2015

@HBamama2B Thank you!!! I thought your comments reflected exactly how I feel about it. I had to ask for advice - didn't know so many would assume I was being selfish and insensitive :-/

Always hoping they end up surprising us with good news too

mom2beEbby · November 2015

I struggled with infertility for the past 6 years and I must say that it was hard every time I heard about someone close to me being pregnant. I would smile and get really excited for them in their face and then go into my room when I got home and suffer from total depression. I mean it was really bad; however, I was genuinely happy for them. There is no way to avoid how they might feel. Tell them so that they don’t feel left out but don’t have any expectations. Infertility is hard. My only advice would be to just say it, don’t beat around the bush and make them uncomfortable. Even if you sent out some type of group announcement and just include them in it, so that they can reach out to you when they are ready to congratulate you. This is family, so they will be happy for you! CONGRATS!!!

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