I know this has been asked many, many times, but........

MrsFL2015 · November 2015

I have family member that is incrediblly rude. Anytime this relative is confronted for their rude comments/behavior, she manipulates the conversation (and others around her) to make the person who confronted her look like they're being overly sensitive defensive or just wrong about the situation. She will start family drama in very sly, manipulative ways, but always seems to dodge the blame. She recently tried to tell my mom that I NEED to have kids now (like her two daughters are) and that I should be telling everyone about my ambition to have children. She wanted to know why I wasn't all excited about it and telling everyone like her two daughters. My mom pretended not to hear the comment and just changed the subject.

The holidays are coming up and I know this conversation will come up again. What do you do when you have someone that doesn't respond to the typical "We're keeping it private" type comments. I could see her taking a comment like that and turning it into something negative and embarrassing me (all while making others around her think she's right and I'm wrong). This is hard when you're in a room with 15-25 other people listening to this conversation.

Any suggestions on how to handle someone like this when it comes to the TTC questions.

mamadomino · November 2015

I would make it as awkward as possible. "Why yes, auntie, we are having as much unprotected sex as possible. Like a lot. A LOT. I'm sure we'll let you know just as soon as something implants in my uterus!" I really just don't think some people get how rude these questions are unless you say something just as absurd.

MrsFL2015 · November 2015

Thanks for the suggestion. I can't even begin to describe how this person can literally take anything/everything and turn it against you. All why everyone else around you doesn't seem to notice the manipulation, but believes what comes out of their mouth.

LoveIsOwlYouNeed · November 2015

First of all, if she is known to be like this with everyone I guarantee you that no one is going to look at the situation as she is right and you are wrong. Think if you were watching that situation. I am guess you'd be like "crazy Aunt Sylvie is at it again..." (Or whatever her name/relation is, you get my point). Assume others are doing the same and you're likely getting sympathy.

That said, in my experience a blank stare and walking away/ignoring the question or changing the topic works wonders.

WinchesterGirl · November 2015

Nobody knows we are TTC, but I constantly get the, "When are you guys ever going to have kids?" I just change the subject to something completely unrelated. Sometimes you just have to be abrupt to get them to drop it. Sorry you are having problems with her... family a lot of times give you the most trouble, it seems.

KASG · November 2015

If you can, burst into tears and leave the room crying hysterically.

If you can't, go with the ever awkward "we're having lots of sex!" as previously mentioned. And throw in some strangely named positions to seal the deal.

paigeed · November 2015

I don't personally know your struggles so maybe this would be too much of a trigger for you, but I'm a super blunt/sarcastic person IRL. I would look at them with a straight face and say, "we can't have any kids." Then when they are super shocked walk away. Guarantee they will be speechless and their face will be priceless. That'll teach them to put their foot where their mouth is!

When you do get a BFP then they will be super suprised and you can tell them you were just kidding.

PugsandKisses · November 2015

Why are you so interested in my sex life?

PrimRoseMama · November 2015

"Why ever would you ask me about my sex life?" -- look shocked.

Then when the record stops follow with, "I'll be sure to let everyone know when I have good news."

If she doesn't drop it you can say, "I'd really rather not talk about this right now. Can we change the subject?"

If she asks why (because these fuckwits always do) : "I'm simply not comfortable talking about private things that are between me & my husband only."

I hope she stops after the first recommendation. I would think any sane person would feel uncomfortable while a woman of child bearing age was getting drilled about the status of your uterus. If I were there it would be fun. :P

You could make a funny if the crowd was right, too. Something like, "you know? The only person I want nagging me for kids is my husband. Thanks!"

Or

"Gosh I thought it was my husband that was supposed to drill me for kids. Guess not!"

I'm surprised anyone in good company doesn't distract the gauche woman.

Finally, you can get up to use the loo or get a drink. Or simply walk away. That might be the favored method if this annoyance won't STFU.

criticalaccess · November 2015

My fiance has replied to everyone, verbatim "well, y'all know, kids are expensive these days. If you want us to have another one that bad, put down a deposit & we'll get right on it!"

It usually shuts them up & embarrasses me lol

BooksForMe23 · November 2015

I wish I had the balls to give some of these responses. They are hilarious. I would probably just stand there awkwardly.

Merocket59 · November 2015

LoL There are some great suggestions here! I might just ask her something somewhat related regarding her girls, if she is the way you say she is she probably also really likes talking about herself/her kids. Or say something like, I'd have to give up drinking, laugh it off, and walk away.

MissAmeliaPond · November 2015

criticalaccess said:

My fiance has replied to everyone, verbatim "well, y'all know, kids are expensive these days. If you want us to have another one that bad, put down a deposit & we'll get right on it!" It usually shuts them up & embarrasses me lol

I love what @criticalaccess said; I might have to something like this myself! DH and I were going to use the plain old "we need to save more money first" line, but I like the above even better!

pretzel2plus1 · November 2015

criticalaccess said:

My fiance has replied to everyone, verbatim "well, y'all know, kids are expensive these days. If you want us to have another one that bad, put down a deposit & we'll get right on it!" It usually shuts them up & embarrasses me lol

I have actually used a very similar response with my own mother. She's not anything like you describe your relative, but she definitely asked a lot (always kind and joking, though) before I finally told her we were TTC. When we were looking/saving for a house I told her that the process would be faster if we bought a house first, and that she was more than welcome to contribute to the down payment.

NovaSaysNo · November 2015

I used to get asked all the time and never knew what to say. Now when asked, "When are you going to have kids?" I respond with "How much do you weigh?" or "What do you make in a year?" Generally the person either gets the hint or looks shocked and tells me it's none of my business. That's usually when I say, "Oh, well I guess that makes two things people shouldn't discuss in polite company" (or something along those lines.) Not sure what to do if anyone ever answers my questions though. I should probably think about that.

My mom doesn't give up that easily, so I told her that my husband and I really despise kids and could never imagine actually having them. It's a huge lie of course, but on a scale of 1-10, she's BSC. Oh, and even her "knowing" that about us, she still tries to say "well when you have kids..." ugh, woman, you won't even be around them unless it's supervised. (Seriously she's BSC.) It makes me sad, she used to be the person I would talk to before anyone, but then she saw the bat signal and it was all over. Meh.

I love what other PPs have said, too. Great advice here! I'm also taking notes.

skilouise · November 2015

NovaSaysNo said:
I used to get asked all the time and never knew what to say. Now when asked, "When are you going to have kids?" I respond with "How much do you weigh?" or "What do you make in a year?" Generally the person either gets the hint or looks shocked and tells me it's none of my business. That's usually when I say, "Oh, well I guess that makes two things people shouldn't discuss in polite company" (or something along those lines.) Not sure what to do if anyone ever answers my questions though. I should probably think about that.

My mom doesn't give up that easily, so I told her that my husband and I really despise kids and could never imagine actually having them. It's a huge lie of course, but on a scale of 1-10, she's BSC. Oh, and even her "knowing" that about us, she still tries to say "well when you have kids..." ugh, woman, you won't even be around them unless it's supervised. (Seriously she's BSC.) It makes me sad, she used to be the person I would talk to before anyone, but then she saw the bat signal and it was all over. Meh.

I love what other PPs have said, too. Great advice here! I'm also taking notes.

I love your approach of responding to a personal question with another personal question. That's great!

YogaSandy · November 2015

I used to tell people (at that time we were no where near TTC). "There are three reasons why you don't know that I'm pregnant right now. 1. We're trying and can't, so it's none of your business. 2. We don't want to be, so it's none of your business. 3. I am and we're not ready to tell people, so it's none of your business."

Then my friend (when I got really pissed off a rando at the grocery store asked when we were going to have kids) told me to say, "I don't ask about your sex life, don't ask about mine."

MrsFL2015 · November 2015

BooksForMe23 said:

I wish I had the balls to give some of these responses. They are hilarious. I would probably just stand there awkwardly.

I wish I did too. Thanks for all the suggestions. Unfortunately, I can see some of them backfiring. I love the responses about my sex life, but unfortunately this person would turn that around and make it look like I was vulgar and had no manners. I could see it now, she would call my mother out for raising me like trash and make her daughters' look like saints. She consistently compared everyone to her children. The same with the, "Kids are expensive comment." She would turn that around and start family gossip that DH and I are broke/living in poverty, don't have good enough jobs and her daughters' husbands make lots of money.

It's a no win sometimes. I think I'll go with asking a personal question back, because that might work out the best. But, she'll probably turn that one around too.

izza2 · November 2015

MrsFL2015 said:

BooksForMe23 said:

I wish I had the balls to give some of these responses. They are hilarious. I would probably just stand there awkwardly.

I wish I did too. Thanks for all the suggestions. Unfortunately, I can see some of them backfiring. I love the responses about my sex life, but unfortunately this person would turn that around and make it look like I was vulgar and had no manners. I could see it now, she would call my mother out for raising me like trash and make her daughters' look like saints. She consistently compared everyone to her children. The same with the, "Kids are expensive comment." She would turn that around and start family gossip that DH and I are broke/living in poverty, don't have good enough jobs and her daughters' husbands make lots of money.

It's a no win sometimes. I think I'll go with asking a personal question back, because that might work out the best. But, she'll probably turn that one around too.

So just tell her it's none of her business when you reproduce - because it isn't. You can't really turn "I don't feel that's any of your business." around to make you look bad. Reproducing is personal - your sex life, your uterus, your vagina. It's no one's business but yours, your SO's, and your doctor's.
Personally, if she can't respect that, then I'd ignore anything else she had to say afterward. She's not worth getting in a tizzy over -- she obviously doesn't respect you in that instance. And if she does manage to turn it around, your family should be able to understand where you're coming from.

NamelessAria · November 2015

As someone who was raised by narcissists who were always able to turn anything and everything around on me, I'll give you the advice I take myself: say as little as possible. No matter what you say they can/will find a way to use it against you at some point if they so choose. The absolute best thing you can do with people like this is say as little as humanly possible. Let them know as little about your life is possible.

Generally for holiday events when other people are around to hear conversations about when DH and I are having children I say "We may have children eventually. We're not sure." and change the subject. Then for anyone listening who isn't crazy and who has a real interest it is a fair answer. And it's true. No one knows with 100% certainty if they will have children in the future. You can want to have children but that isn't the same as actually having them. I've had people take my general response a lot of different ways. Some people assume we're selfish/irresponsible people who just don't want children. Some people assume we're just unsure. Some people assume we're having trouble. But I feel like at that point whatever the person assumes says more about them than it does about you.

Also, you have to just steel yourself for whatever crazy thing they come up with. And you have to be resolute in your decision to not discuss it further. "Oh so you're just one of those selfish people who doesn't want children because children will make you actually do things for someone other than youself!" "Goodness that's a sad assumption to have made. What a depressing way to see the world. I'm going to get some more pie, would you like anything from the kitchen?" or whatever.

Best of luck!

ReesaAnne16 · November 2015

I love all these responses! I needed some humor today.

I agree with @namelessAria, when you're dealing with difficult people, the less ammo you give them the better. I generally respond to "When are you having kids?" with "I don't know."

(if you're feeling snarky, here's where you can respond with your overly personal question. I suggest: "Have you started menopause yet?")

onefootinthebayou · November 2015

My advice to you is to meet her inappropriate questions or comments with silence. I agree with PPs regarding the gutsy comments to put her in her place, which I would feel comfortable doing, but if that's not your bag - which it sounds like it isn't, how about letting her words hang uncomfortably while you stare at her in disbelief of her rudeness yet unwilling to stoop to her basic level? Just don't engage. Honestly, your mom's response is the most graceful - don't engage, change the subject.

Edited to fix a double neg

NovaSaysNo · November 2015

@AshVA, I have to admit, I get a lot of these ideas from reading Dear Abby, Ask Amy, and the other advice columns. Dear Prudence was one of my favorites. She was snarky and I loved it.

addyplusone · November 2015

***lurking from bmb***

I would snap!! I would just say we're trying, it doesn't come easy for everyone. But go ahead and tell me how fantastic your children are and how perfect your life is, because no one here fing cares!! You walk around here demeaning everyone around you, and continue to just be down right rude. You can now leave my husband and I alone. Don't worry, I won't rush to tell you when we get pregnant.

I would put her in her place. Good luck!

vampirina · November 2015

how about just "wow, that's a rude and hurtful question/comment" and move on.

RunBooRun · November 2015

I would start with trying to just move on with something like "that's incredibly personal and we've decided to keep it our own business".

But after that, don't be afraid to make a scene. You teach people how to treat you. She does this because no one stops her.

gonetothesea · November 2015

My husband and I (mostly me) get asked this constantly. I just look at them dead in the eye and say deadpan "We're working on it." And that's it. I offer no additional information. It usually makes the person feel uncomfortable and they change the subject.

KarenBeth714 · November 2015

Thanks for all the witty come back ideas.. I'm sure so many of us will be fielding these kinds of questions in the coming months and during the holidays..

Ive said these a few times "sometimes it's just not that easy for some people" or " sometimes these things don't always work out as you have planned"

Yea.. I'm pretty sure it makes them think twice about asking again.

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I know this has been asked many, many times, but........

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