Using clothing/items of a friend's baby who passed away...thoughts?

suteki325 · November 2015

Hello all. I've found myself in a bit of a situation and I'm not sure how to proceed, so I thought I would get some input from you fine ladies.

I have a close friend who tragically, and very suddenly, lost her infant son (10 months old) back in August. It was heartbreaking and awful.

Recently, she's decided that she's finally ready to start cleaning out his nursery, and asked if I would be interested in having any of his clothes/toys/various other items. DH and I are having a son, as well.

Of course, I feel very honored that she came to me first, asking if I would like any of his old things. I do think that in a way, having some of his clothes and toys for my own son would be a wonderful way to cherish his memory. But at the same time (and I would NEVER say this to my friend) I can't help but feel like...is there maybe a little bit of bad "juju" in re-using his things? Or is it a bit morbid? I went over to her house and we went through his clothes together, and I picked out some that I liked, but it breaks my heart because some of these clothes I can remember him wearing. I just don't know if I want to associate my son in any way with his tragic passing. If that makes any sense. I'm worried that feeling this way makes me a terrible person or something, but I can't help how I feel.

But maybe I'm just over-thinking things. Regardless, like I said, I would never tell my friend how this all makes me feel. If anything, I'll quietly donate the clothes she gives me, or maybe just keep them in my basement?

What do you guys think I should do?

DrillSergeantCat · November 2015

I got rid of a car because I blamed it for my dad dying. It's weird the connections we make with things. If you're not going to feel comfortable using them, don't use them. She may ask though and she may really want to see your son using them. It may make her feel better knowing that someone is using them. I don't know though, death and everything surrounding it is hard.

MaybeMab · November 2015

I think it's sweet that she asked you.

I'm on the fence, I would want them but at the same time I would think of her son every time I saw them.

ohbaby714 · November 2015

That's a tough one. I think even if you don't decide to use them, definitely don't donate them. That would be a good way to honor her son but I think I would feel the same way as you.

g8trkim · November 2015

I would definitely take some things as it sounds like it may be a way that she's learning to cope. Personally, I wouldn't think anything about using them. I think it's a nice way to honor him.

Scornelius · November 2015

I think you should use them in good health and honor his memory. I'm probably one of the most superstitious people you can find, but I think it would be incredibly disrespectful to your friend to not use the stuff that she gave you. It's essentially saying you think they're cursed.

VitaLuna · November 2015

It would be weird to me, and I couldn't do it. It would make me feel sad to see LO in them.

Do you think she'd have any interest in a memory quilt? It could be a gift you give her. Maybe casually say, "I know I took some of baby x's clothes home, but I was thinking it might be really nice for you to have a memory quilt with them instead. What do you think?"

MississippiCatfish · November 2015

That's a tough one. My cousin lost her baby at 24 weeks and gave me everything she had purchased for him, prior to having our first son. I didn't have the types of feelings that you are having, so it's a different situation, but I know that she was at a point where she just needed to get rid of things. I think it made her happy for me to take them, rather than her dropping them off at Goodwill.

Just a thought. If you're comfortable with this, and you feel like it is helpful to her for you to take things, could you take them for now and just keep them separate from baby's other things? Maybe once your little one is here, it won't bother you. And if it does, you could pass them on (ETA with her blessing, of course)?

purpletulip · November 2015

As someone who lost a son, I'm guessing that she feels the need to get his things out of the house, and wants them to go to someone she loves rather than random stranger who would buy them at a thrift store.

I understand the potential for sadness upon seeing an item of clothing on your son that reminds you of her son, but I think new memories will override that pretty quickly.
If I'm understanding you correctly in having a feeling that the clothing is "cursed", that's a whole separate issue and one I would find offensive or hurtful as a loss mama, so definitely don't mention that.

If I were you, I would use the clothes. Her pain is much worse than yours and if she wants you to use her son's clothes than that's something you can do for her.

Knottie65619406 · November 2015

I would be so hurt if I invited a friend into my innermost space and grief and allowed myself to be vulnerable with her, just for her to feel that my child's things were in some way cursed. This was her baby. Certainly she didn't give you the clothes he died in.

I would feel these feelings, because you always have a right to do that, then move past this discomfort because your momentary squigged out feelings are nothing compared to her grief and her desire for her baby's memory to live on.

Do not donate her things without her permission if she gave them to you under the impression you wanted them.

This baby's things are not cursed. He will not in some way haunt your son when he wears them. Your son isn't associated with his death...he wasn't born yet, he will just be sharing the same hand-me-downs he would've if this baby had lived.

AdventureMama · November 2015

Knottie65619406 said:

I would be so hurt if I invited a friend into my innermost space and grief and allowed myself to be vulnerable with her, just for her to feel that my child's things were in some way cursed. This was her baby. Certainly she didn't give you the clothes he died in. I would feel these feelings, because you always have a right to do that, then move past this discomfort because your momentary squigged out feelings are nothing compared to her grief and her desire for her baby's memory to live on. Do not donate her things without her permission if she gave them to you under the impression you wanted them. This baby's things are not cursed. He will not in some way haunt your son when he wears them. Your son isn't associated with his death...he wasn't born yet, he will just be sharing the same hand-me-downs he would've if this baby had lived.

This this this this this this this.

This post has been bothering me since I read it and I didn't know how to put my feelings into words, thanks for doing it for me.

kalenvan · November 2015

Here is a thought...take the clothes and have a quilt made out of it and return it to her.

suteki325 · November 2015

Thank you all for your replies. I'm truly sorry if I offended or upset anyone by being honest with how I felt - that was never my intention, and as I mentioned before, I would never in a million years bring any of this up to my friend. They're my own, personal, deepest feelings. But I like what @Knottie65619406 said about how these clothes would have been considered secondhand even if he had lived. Its so true - regardless, my son probably would have wound up with some of his clothes passed down to him.

I really don't think I could ever donate the clothes, even without telling my friend - it would feel like a betrayal of her trust in me somehow. For now I'll keep the clothes and see how I feel once my son is born. Who knows, maybe by then I'll be able to see how him wearing the same clothes I remember my friend's sweet baby boy in is a wonderful way to remember him by.

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