older sister in middle of first IVF! terrible timing on my part! (mine will be the first grandkid)

monkey41 · November 2015

Don't know that I need advice, but feel free to share if you have it. I think I just need to get this off my chest.

My sister is 6 years older, has been trying for her first a few years, and finally is in the middle of her first round of IVF (they did the egg retrieval today and got more than 50 eggs!!! Since she's so overstimmed, they are going to wait a month before implanting any of them). I'm planning on letting her and the rest of the immediate family know about my pregnancy in the next two weeks before thanksgiving - in case I'm sick during the holiday and while she's in this waiting stage. Don't want to announce over the holiday cause that would be that much harder on her, and I don't think I should wait until near or after her implant so I don't worry her more than I have to at that critical time.

We thought it'd probably take more than 2 cycles and she'd be done with this first round (and hopefully pregnant!) before we would have any news. Lo and behold, my BBT didn't drop last week.

Now I'm going to have to call her and I know it won't be easy for her. Here's what I'm currently thinking of saying:

“I got some good news, and I wish I knew the perfect way to tell you this news, but I don’t. I am X weeks pregnant. I wanted you to hear it from me, and I want to give you as much time and space as you need. If you don’t want to talk about it, I understand. I am still rooting for you most of all. Know that I love you and care about you.”

She's strong, and I know she'll deal with it, but I just feel terrible for her.

DobbysSock · November 2015

Hard situation! I think you're right to tell her before the holidays and before her implant. I'm not sure the best way to tell her, whether it would be in person, over the phone, or written, as that really depends on her personality and how she deals with things like this. I'd say if you do decide to tell her in person or over the phone, leave or end the conversation shortly after you tell her, so that if she needs to cry she can do it without feeling guilty. Or at least watch/listen for signs that she needs to be alone. And then I would probably avoid bringing it up too much with her unless she asks for details.

That said, congratulations! Try not to feel guilty. You getting pregnant quickly has nothing to do with her struggle with getting pregnant, and you do deserve to enjoy and be excited about this. She just may not be one of the people you get to share your excitement with for a little while, unfortunately.

Fingers crossed that her IVF is successful!

Allison7 · November 2015

You may want to write her about it. With my last when we were struggling with IF, my SIL called me on the phone to tell me she was pregnant. She told me before anyone else and I appreciated that, but it was hard to be caught on the phone. Of course I was happy for them, but I was on fertility meds and my hormones were crazy and it was just flat out hard to not break down right then and there. I found a blog where someone had written, "it's not because it's you; it because it isn't me." That phrase really summed up my fears. I believe it is one in eight couples that will face infertility, but not every one of those couples sees a resolution. It is great that your sister had such a big retrieval. And it is wonderful of you to be concerned for her feelings and already accepting that it might be hard for her to hear your wonderful news.

sboston06 · November 2015

I love the previous posters advice and I think it's so kind that you're concerned for her feelings. Enjoy this time for you too and I hope you two get to be pregnant together!

DominiqueU · November 2015

I was in a kind of similar situation. My older sister is my best friend and I love her more than anything. She has PCOS and had been trying to get pregnant for almost a year, working with fertility doctors and eventually doing IUI. When my husband and I decided to start trying, I was terrified. The last thing any of us want to do is to hurt the people we love. I was afraid of how she'd feel if I got pregnant and that I'd be putting my family in a strange position. I wanted everyone to be able to be excited about my pregnancy and not be constantly worrying about how it affected her.

I talked to my sister before I started trying. She told me that she would absolutely be extremely happy for me, but still sad for herself. I completely understand that. Luckily, her first IUI took, and she found out she was pregnant about 3 weeks before I found out. Now, she's struggling with some additional issues regarding multiples, and I still feel a little guilty that it seemed to come so much easier to me.

I think it's important to remember that your sister will love you and be happy for you, but it doesn't decrease her own struggle. I know it's hard not to take it to heart, but you have to realize that nothing you do right now can make her situation easier and you just have to be there for her throughout her process. Be gentle. Fingers crossed, things will work out for her and you'll have a cousin brewing for your little one soon!

dolewhipper · November 2015

Just wanted to add you're an awesome sister for considering her feelings!

tripledaggerWed95976 · November 2015

As someone who struggled with fertility problems and had to conceive through IVF, I wanted to chime in. Though it stings a bit every time someone gets their bfp, as you go through another round of ivf, iui, etc, it doesn't make you any less happy for the person. We dont expect (or want) others to put their fertility on hold just because we are hav6ung problems conceiving. I don't know ur sister, but I think she will just be filled with joy for u.

BostonBaby1 · November 2015

As somebody who has struggled with infertility, I would say that you have some solid advice above. 50 eggs during a retrieval is an astronomical amount and I'm guessing she has a huge surge of hormones to purge out of her system. I would definitely talk to her first and try to contain your excitement and I also would try to give her as much time as possible to start feeling more human before you tell her. She has been though a ton physically and emotionally. You sound like a very caring and compassionate person so hopefully all will go well. And I agree with all of the PPs.

monkey41 · November 2015

Thank you all. This is a lot of great advice, and it's nice to hear from folks who have been in situations like hers. I was just planning on calling her to keep it personal rather than an email, but am rethinking that now. Instead of calling or emailing, I may catch her in a gchat when I think both she and her husband are home next week - I think that may be a little more personal than an email, but something she can step away from immediately if needed. I was also planning on telling my mom first so she could provide a little support to my sister if needed, but I may just go straight to my sister first to give her a little extra time. I realize her biggest supporter will be her husband, not our mom. I may check in with her today or tomorrow to get a feel for how these hormones seem to be affecting her in addition to recovery from egg retrieval. Hopefully that will give me a better sense of things.

And I am excited to be expecting! Still in a bit of shock about it since symptoms are (thankfully) still minimal and the only person I've talked to about it is DH. My first prenatal is on Monday!

aceoffaith · November 2015

Another fertility treatment gal here. You have some great advice from previous PPs, but I wanted to give you a fair warning.

I went through this 2 months ago. My sister announced she was pregnant the Friday before I went in for my first IUI. As happy as I was for her, it was extremely difficult to hear and process. I think the hardest part for me was that she didn't acknowledge my current situation when she called me and even said things like, "We weren't trying at all!" Sounds innocuous, but if you've dealt with infertility it's particularly painful to stomach. Anyway, long story short...I had to take some time away from the relationship with my sister to focus on our treatments and work through my feelings. Obviously, our treatments worked and we're also expecting, but making an announcement in the midst of treatments is a tricky situation.

That all said, it sounds like you have a plan in place to be as supportive and compassionate as you can be with your sister, which is amazing! I recommend being prepared for any reaction...your sister could be more in control of her emotions than I was or she could have a total meltdown over the situation. Please don't hold any reaction she has against her because she will get past her initial reaction and be a wonderful auntie when the time comes

Also, personally, I would make a phone call or do it in person. News like this is much better non-digital.

Congratulations!!

BostonBaby1 · November 2015

^^ I agree to make a call. Or possible skype if you are far away. I also agree you should first check in on her and acknowledge that this is going to be very difficult for her and that you understand if she needs space. The more I think about it... Is there any way for you to wait until after thanksgiving? It just seems like she may then want to skip out.

monkey41 · November 2015

Calling or messaging are the only realistic options unless I do it over one the 4-5 days I'll be in town for Thanksgiving. We never video chat since we typically see each other about once every month or two already. I would rather ruin her Thanksgiving than potentially make her face a double whammy at Christmas if the IVF doesn't take (I think she'll know one way or the other by then). If it does work, then the rest of the family will be able to focus a little more attention on her pregnancy since they'll already have known about mine for a month. I don't expect to see her other than at the holidays for the rest of the year. And I would rather give her a couple weeks to settle into it before her major IVF transfer.

BostonBaby1 · November 2015

monkey41 said:
Calling or messaging are the only realistic options unless I do it over one the 4-5 days I'll be in town for Thanksgiving. We never video chat since we typically see each other about once every month or two already. I would rather ruin her Thanksgiving than potentially make her face a double whammy at Christmas if the IVF doesn't take (I think she'll know one way or the other by then). If it does work, then the rest of the family will be able to focus a little more attention on her pregnancy since they'll already have known about mine for a month. I don't expect to see her other than at the holidays for the rest of the year. And I would rather give her a couple weeks to settle into it before her major IVF transfer.

You know the situation best. Obviously I wasn't suggesting you wait until Christmas.

stephweinstein · November 2015

This is a super tough situation. Dealing with infertility is so painful for so many women. I haven't had a hard time getting pregnant and I can't comprehend the kind of emotional struggle of women who go through infertility issues.

That being said, my sister's happiness is a priority for me no matter the circumstances. I would never want her to feel like I wouldn't feel joy for her, even if it did come with some pain for me, and I would be crushed if she told me via text, email, gchat that she was pregnant just because I may feel sorrowful for my own situation. In all likelihood your sister feels the same way about you and I think you should give her the opportunity to hear this news from you in the most personal way you feel comfortable with.

Edited because my words did not convey my thoughts.

susykat77 · November 2015

As someone who has gone through months and months of IVF, I agree with pp. Also for me, in the beginning of starting IVF, I was hopeful still and not yet bitter. AND holy shit 50 eggs!?!! That is amazing!

monkey41 · November 2015

Thanks for the input! I'm just trying to reason through all of the options so I'm bouncing them off on you all here. I know, BostonBaby1, that you didn't mean wait for Christmas - I just mean it'd be a double whammy then since Christmas week would be the first time she'd see me and that could be a little tough.
I'm back to planning on calling her. It may be hard for her, but I don't want to crush her by not telling her in a personal way.

alligard · November 2015

I might go the route "you're going to be an aunt" instead of "I'm pregnant". To me it feels more "I'm thinking of you". You are obviously a great sister, I hope all goes well! How exciting would that be to have your kids so close in age!

BostonBaby1 · November 2015

I think the phone call is a good idea.

elenabrent · November 2015

I had been trying for 2 1/2 years when my sister got pregnant, and she waited until she was 12 weeks to tell me. She was clearly terrified to FaceTime me, and we both cried (turns out I was pregnant when she told me so we were both hormonal, but I didn't know yet). It was hard for both of us, but what I was most upset about was that I didn't feel jealous or bitter or even disappointed, and I was being treated like I was being difficult. I was SO HAPPY for my sister, and since I knew she was trying I wasn't surprised. I think the worst thing about infertility is everyone treating you like the elephant in the room. Being handled with kid gloves might make your sister feel even worse about her position. Also, everytime someone has told me that they were pregnant with sad eyes they have also told me I was so brave, or so strong, or had so much grace. That doesn't feel great either.

noelietrex · November 2015

I just wanted to say congratulations to you on your pregnancy! Also that you seem like a wonderful sister. I have no advice, except to say that you seem to already be leading with compassion, and that's the best way to approach anyone in any situation.

ijstarr28 · November 2015

If she knows you and DH were trying then I would lead with that.

"Shirley, you know when i told you that Billy and I were going to try to have a baby too, well, I am due in July!! I am praying that you and I will be pregnant together and we can share in this experience!!"

I vote on the phone or privately in her house so you can leave if you need to. Let her be comfortable.

hwal98 · November 2015

I can't help but get emotional reading through all these comments. The sensitivity of everyone on here is beautiful! Reading of stories where one struggled with infertility but still managed to be excited and happy for their sister, and where one is taking a step back from the excitement of their pregnancy to recognize the struggles their sister has been through....it all shows a lot of big hearts!

First off, @monkey41, congrats! Second off, I agree with telling your sister via writing over phone call or in person. Her reaction may not be what you or her want, and in writing, she can congratulate you and take the space she needs. I hope it goes well for both of you, and you can experience being pregnant together.

trucksntutus · November 2015

So many beautiful souls in this group! My cousin was struggling to get pregnant and had been TTC for over a year without success! A few weeks ago, she announced she was about 5 weeks pregnant! Everyone was overjoyed! At the time I had a feeling I could be pregnant but hadn't tested yet. We are about 3 weeks apart! The first two great grandchildren and grandchildren for both of our families! (Our moms are sisters)

It's an exciting time!

monkey41 · November 2015

11 out of 17 fertilized eggs made enough progress to be frozen today (day 5). the other 6 are being given 1 more day. No more egg retrievals for her, just time to wait for transfers and results! She's pretty thrilled. We plan on letting her know about us later this week.

BostonBaby1 · November 2015

monkey41 said:
11 out of 17 fertilized eggs made enough progress to be frozen today (day 5). the other 6 are being given 1 more day. No more egg retrievals for her, just time to wait for transfers and results! She's pretty thrilled. We plan on letting her know about us later this week.

That's a fantastic result for her!

monkey41 · November 2015

She said she was so happy and that was the easiest one she's heard in 5 years! Couldn't have been sweeter! Very lucky to have a great sister.

DobbysSock · November 2015

Glad to hear it went so well! Hopefully she'll get some more good news soon!

BostonBaby1 · November 2015

monkey41 said:
She said she was so happy and that was the easiest one she's heard in 5 years! Couldn't have been sweeter! Very lucky to have a great sister.

That's wonderful!

decoycandy · November 2015

#whymypregnantassiscrying

Yay. Glad she took it well. I fully understand her feelings. We were trying forever to conceive. I'm the oldest of 6 siblings/step siblings and this child will be the 11th grandbaby . Although it was hard to hear of them getting pregnant so easily, it didn't take the joy away that I was going to be an auntie again. Hope all goes well for you and I send healthy vibes to your sis to conceive soon, maybe they'll be only a few months apart

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older sister in middle of first IVF! terrible timing on my part! (mine will be the first grandkid)

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