What have we learned through our INFERTILITY - lets make a list...

oxinfree · November 2015

Hey ladies. So while we are all focusing on our cycles, and our individual journeys, I thought it might be nice to have a little share/discussion.
I came across a post about "10 things I never knew before experiencing infertility" and was inspired to make my own list. You can read mine here:

https://femmeinfertile.blogspot.com/2015/11/things-you-learn-being-infertile.html

I'll share one off my list here:

5) Hope is cruel and yet a complete and utter necessity.
If I didn't have hope, I wouldn't break down like I do. But if I didn't have hope, I'd also have given up a long long time ago. Hope is what keeps me going, moving towards my goal. But it is also what crushes me time and time again.

So, I thought we could all share our own "things we learned, or never knew" here as an opening to support and sharing the experience.

What have you all felt like you never knew before or have learned since starting your TTC journeys?

(ps. the original inspiration is older, but can be found at this link: https://www.dreamingofdimples.com/2013/02/10-things-i-never-knew-before.html )

Winnie81_Old · November 2015

@oxinfree thank you for sharing this! Both lists are wonderful and positive. I am still trying to conjure together words for something i learned, and feel that once i have another cup of coffee I'll be able to think straight.

)

KidShrink · November 2015

Love it @oxinfree ! I also took part of an infertility blog (in French) as I was going through the whole infertility journey, and it was great to connect with people that way. Here are a few of mine:
1) Infertility changes you forever. I'm extremely careful about complaining about any of the symptoms I experience now. I worked too hard for those. And I'm a lot more careful around people who don't have kids, but may be trying (or not)...if they have anything to share with me, they will.
2) Be open about your journey, it's nothing to be ashamed of. I've spoken extensively about our journey woth friends and family (with more details for those who were interested, less details in social media posts). The amount of support we've received as a consequence was great.
3) People don't get it unless they've gone through it themselves (and even at that). My brother is infertile (azoospermia), and his wife and him decided not to go further, and not to have kids. He had a really hard time understanding that having a child was our priority #1, that we placed over visiting family, spending our money on stupid things that he valued, etc. Some people, no matter how much you talk about it, don't get it. They don't get the procedures, the emotional investment, the crushed hopes, nothing. Back to my #2; talk about it. But also accept that some people are clueless and will always be. You may need some distance from those people as you're going through this process.
4) Having an RE that you trust is key. If you don't think he/she gets you or is truly dedicated to finding what's preventing you from getting pregnant, find someone else.
5) Your man/partner is likely having a hard time too (at least mine had), and he found it difficult because his friends/colleagues just had no clue what to say. Before my surgery, DH completely supported taking a break as he couldn't stand me getting poked and probed and getting disappointed like I was. But he felt the pressure too (we were doing TI), and he asked to go to IUI, as he somehow felt less pressure that way.

I could probably go on and on, but I'll leave it at that for now

oxinfree · November 2015

@KidShrink - Excellent list! All so true! I like 5... I said in my list that my hubby is my rock, but I know that some days I'm more his. We take turns and its so important to both feel supported.

Thanks for sharing!

KLake42 · November 2015

With the emotional roller coaster, hormones, and injections (and this is just from 7 medicated IUI rounds), I've learned that I'm kind of a bad ass.

Something I'm glad I learned, since I'm likely going to be trying IVF soon.

KidShrink · November 2015

@KLake42 : that's so true! Drug addicts have nothing on us

emgem819 · November 2015

Great list! Love all the additions everyone has added:). I think mostly I've been pleasantly surprised to find the amazing and supportive community here and how when you think you are alone and the only one going through this journey, you have so many other women right there with you!

beckihall · November 2015

@KidShrink you really summed it all up!

Whiggrrl65 · November 2015

@KidShrink Excellent list!
I am a big proponent of being open and talking about it and I never thought I'd be until I went through all of this.

HBamama2B · November 2015

These echo @KidShrink

1) Pride. I've learned to be proud of our infertility. It's part of who we are as a couple and it shows how strong we are as individuals and as a team. I'm also very proud of the science that made our family possible.

2) Focus. Infertility offers clarity about what matters to you and to your partner (not always the same things!) and what doesn't. When you make the decision to prioritize family before our have anything more than a wisp of hope of conceiving, it makes it easier to prioritize throughout the life of the family you do get.

3) Acceptance. I've learned how to support others and how to accept support from my groups on this page. I knew that whether this cycle worked or not, I'd have friends to be excited for and who would cheer me on the next cycle. I genuinely care for and pray for my gals and our IVF path feels like a community effort rather than an individual race. I get excited with every step forward we take and know that if something happens to me, I can come here and they will accept my feelings and decisions, whatever they are.

4) Humor. I've learned that I am funnier than I knew and that I can see the ridiculous and find laughter even in the darkest places we have to travel through. If I could give my child one unique trait from this experience, it would be that.

KidShrink · November 2015

@HBamama2B : I think we can all attest on your sense of community and humor!

ShayLatrice · November 2015

Ok. I'm in LOVE with this idea so here is my contribution on what I've learned through this journey.

1) Inner Peace and Hope Go Hand In Hand: While I definitely have hope for the best outcome, we all know that this process is completely unpredictable. I never thought I would have issues conceiving and once I did, and found out the reasons why and what the plan of action was in my particular case I was overwhelmed with "what ifs". The main what if DH and I had to answer was, "what if we do all this and still no baby?". We made a decision that regardless the outcome that I would not be panic stricken or have a nervous break down but I would rest in the fact that I can't control everything while I'm Hoping for the bet results. I would do whatever necessary to return my energy back to peace even when there was bad news. So whether I kicked, screamed, cried or yelled at the sun, I would freely express my emotions so that I wasn't holding on to them setting my self up for a mental disaster later.

2) Boundaries are Important: I've shared my story with a few close Friends and my Mentors only, no one in DH's or my family has been given any knowledge of the process we are currently undergoing and they won't know until baby is growing in my tummy for at least 10 weeks. We aren't really ashamed of what we are dealing with, but we know they aren't going to be supportive in the way we need it at this time. Which brings me to my next point.

3) It's Ok to be SELFISH! Yep I said it! It's ok to take this time for you and DH to process and experience without all the outside interference and suggestions. I've said no to dinner dates because they would interfere with my shot time and I didn't want to have to bring my shots along with me and take them in the bathroom of a restaurant. I've declined baby showers because I didn't want to go, simple enough. I've refused some phone calls and some visitors because when I was in thick of injections and bloated feeling gross and swollen I just wanted to come home, sit on my couch and watch a good movie.

4) Laughter is JUST as important as Lupron: My RE asked me almost every time I came in for an appointment how I stayed positive through the process, I told her I found the dumbest reasons to laugh. I can find the humor in just about anything. I told her when I got married I didn't think this was the kind of "poking" DH would be doing to me. Anything you can do to laugh will help to keep your sanity and "Inner Peace". Just like you don't want to forget your daily injection you don't want to forget your daily dose of laughter.

5) DH's feelings are just as important as mine. Let's be honest, we are not going through this alone even if we feel like it. Though your spouse might not be the one taking injections or meds every night, they're feelings are just as real. My DH hated seeing me have to inject myself every night, and he also hated the fact that I had to go through this at all. He knew that I felt like a failure because I couldn't give him a child the "normal" way,and that alone ate at his heart. Not to mention what other thoughts and feelings he had but didn't want to completely share as to not overwhelm me with his emotions. I would give him space to talk about his feelings and how this process affected him and let him know that we were in this together and that what I'm experiencing isn't more important than what he is experiencing. I think because we kept open dialogue this process has made us a lot stronger and even more resilient.

6) This Support Group is EVERYTHING! I feel like I've made FRIENDS and SISTERS here. Knowing I can come here and read everything from good news, to how people are comping with bad news, how we are supporting each other through both good and bad news, and how we help each other when one just needs to vent, has tremendously helped me. This group really is a safe haven for those of us who don't have a lot of outside support through this process. I'm looking forward to graduating with a successful pregnancy, but when I do, I'm taking a lot of you with me through motherhood and beyond.

kated0724 · November 2015

Love this idea. It is so important to have a community when going through IVF or any sort of infertility treatment. FET scheduled for this month- finishing my BCP today and starting estradiol on Wednesday.

For me, I like to think of the following:

1. Be at peace with yourself

2. Do not feel ashamed- infertility impacts the lives of many people, and there should not be a stigma tied to it

3. Stay honest with yourself. It is ok to have bad days or get frustrated.. Keep thinking of what is at the end of the journey!

4. Be open to those who you trust. Family and friends want the best for you.

5. Stay positive! Someday, this will only be a memory.

babblingbrookey · November 2015

Thank you all for sharing. I definitely agree with everything above. My husband has been a great help at keeping things positive. He says the most rediculous things to keep the mood light during the toughest times. My favorite phrases are "The best part of waking up..... Is cumming in a cup" and "I am am a professional sperm delivery man , hot and fresh and always ready in an hour or less".

Maybe not everyone's humor but we have severe male factor IF so it's good to know he is in good spirits. I had my first IUI on Halloween with a nurse dressed as Batman and my RE as Robin so hopefully we we can keep things positive in this 2WW.

HBamama2B · November 2015

@babblingbrookey bwahahaha! Your husband sounds like mine. Fantastic! Some studies have found a correlation between laughter and implantation rates. You're definitely doing it right! What a guy!

)

ShayLatrice · November 2015

I'm gonna laugh every time I hear the Folgers commercial now. Rotfl!

mskeenan · November 2015

I love this thread !

I have learned that I'm much stronger than I thought I was . Even though I have many moments of weakness and many breakdowns I am constantly picking myself back up and continuing on with this journey .

I have also learned how shitty regular cycles are (now that I'm on meds that induce ovulation ) . I've never had regular periods .. Maybe 1-2 a year . Having a period every month during treatment has been brutal ! While PCOS is super shitty and makes having a baby a bitch of a process at least I won't have to deal w regular periods after I get my little one ! Looking on the bright side ..

KidShrink · November 2015

@mskeenan : I hear you! I had a slight t-shape uterus, which prevented proper blood flow and made my lining fairly thin despite the meds and despite also having endometriosis. So I always had fairly light periods, even though they came regularly after 26 days or so. But it was never a big deal. After my hysteroscopy, that was fixed. I bled for a week, then got an apparently 'normal' period two weeks later. I knew the surgery had worked in fixing my uterus because of the massive change in flow. I told DH that if for whatever reason the treatments didn't work, I wanted a hysterectomy and get rid of that stupid uterus! There are sometimes advantages to our problems, although they never make up for the troubles we go through!

khochanadel · November 2015

What I have learned:

1) our marriage can take a lot. If we can get through infertility and ivf, we can get through anything!
2) it is possible to vomit for 13 hours straight without the aid of alcohol. Thanks ohss!
3) the keys to getting through PIO are ice, massage, and squats.
4) endometriosis is a serious b!tch.
5) people are terrible. They will tell you to relax, adopt, or take their kids for a weekend without ever thinking they are being insensitive aholes.
6) staying off social media is a great thing when everyone is getting bfps. And generally saying stupid crap anyway.

wifeinraleigh28 · November 2015

This post is awesome, and to the OP, I just read through some of your blog posts and I love those as well!

The number 1 thing I've learned is that I must accept that which I have no control over. I know this goes for a lot of things in life, but it matters so much when you're dealing with fertility issues. I am very type A and I try to control my world and environment as much as possible. Otherwise I become highly anxious. I have no control over our infertility, I have no control over whether one of my eggs gets fertilized or not, and I have no control over whether a second line appears on a HPT or not. All I can do is follow doctors' orders. The rest is up to science and nature. The more I learn to accept this fact the more I can move on with my day and focus on other things!

Winnie81_Old · November 2015

I really enjoyed reading everyone's posts on this thread! I can relate to almost everything and send hugs to every single one of you. I learned on a much deeper level that everyone has there own story and issues that they are dealing with. Just knowing that makes it a little easier for me to be patient with those close to us that don't know how to show support.

catkids3 · November 2015

Such a great post!
I'm still early in the process but I can relate to so many of these!
- you're going to feel like nobody cares what you're going through. They do but they don't know how to show it and you don't known how to accept it. At least that's what I've found.
- 8 million emotions being felt at once. That's awesome when you're already a basket case in general.
- my husband is a saint. Seriously. The man I my rock.
- talking about your reproductive organs isn't embarrassing anymore because you talk about them almost ever freakin day!

ShayLatrice · November 2015

@catkids3 YES... talking about reproductive organs, procedures, testing becomes second nature. When I went to my OB to keep her informed of where I was in the process, she said I knew more than she did about all the medical terminology!

martinez1029 · November 2015

1.) my husband is amazing . His patience with me is remarkable and has made our marriage stronger
2.) deleting social media is a huge stress reliever. It's very hard to be happy for everyone one else getting pregnant when I can't . ( has anyone else noticed this is the next baby boom era or what?!?)
3.) don't tell too many people what you're going threw . It seriously doesn't help when everyone knows.
4.) learn to accept that whatever your cause of infertility is ( high prolactin for me) ITS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!
5.) you find out who your real friends are and who is truely considered for your well being .

That's what I've learned!

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