why decision for 3rd Party?

KatieBride06 · June 2015

Hi,

just wanted to open a topic for people to discuss openly why they are making the personal decision for 3rd party reproduction as opposed to whatever alternatives they had? And i'm not asking to be judgey by means. I'm actually closing the door on IVF and exploring my options right now, trying to figure out logistics, financials and what is in my heart for the future.

Our story: We are blessed to have our DS through IVF. He is 16 months old and we don't want to waste much time trying for #2. My diagnosis is low AMH (ovarian reserve) and i just don't respond very well to the stimulation drugs. Out of 3 retrievals I've never had anything left to freeze. We have now done 1 IVF cycle for #2, and just exhausted insurance benefits. I'm facing the reality that its time to put our $$ elsewhere since IVF is not a guarantee with my low egg supply.

Looking next at frozen egg donor or adoption.

KLake42 · June 2015

I'm gay, so using donor sperm has been the primary way of starting a family for a long time, for me.

But bigger picture, having a child who is or isn't genetically connected to us is not the most important thing. As it stands, if I manage to get pregnant (facing some challenges), my wife won't be genetically connected. If we try to get her pregnant, then I won't be connected. But my wife's mother and best friend are both adopted, as are her uncle and aunt, so she's known families that don't have that genetic bond.

If we end up adopting, or using a donor embryo, we will just be so happy to have a family together. And I spent several years thinking I would never be a mom, so getting that chance-- it will be blessing, however it comes to be.

annika78 · June 2015

I'm choosing surrogacy instead of adoption because I have embryos -- my egg/husband's sperm -- but nowhere to put them. It is important to me to have a child I am genetically connected to, if possible. I have a uterus that doesn't respond to estrogen; so I need a surrogate who can provide a more "hospitable" environment than I can provide for my embryos.

Lacyj67 · June 2015

We have done many ivfs, then moved onto donor eggs and did three transfers with two miscarriages and a failed transfer. My body will now not cooperate so before our third transfer we did foster adopt and have had our son for a year now and close to adopting him. We have two frozen embryos still left and have decided to move forward with a gestational carrier. My best friend to be exact! I have not looked back from the beginning and think that any way we get to be parents and become the family we have always wanted is the way my life was intended to go! Good luck and I wish the best for you!

Km672 · June 2015

@lacyj67 - wow! Just saw this update and hoping for the best for you!!

SnowySnow · July 2015

We have a really great family. It was hard fought. Both were assisted reproduction. I was on bedrest from 22 weeks till delivery at 36 weeks with my oldest son and than spent 21 weeks to 31 weeks with my twins on hospital bed. I needed a hysterectomy afterwards. 3 children is a wonderful, perfect family. Both my DH and I come from larger families and we just can't shake the idea of one more. I managed to survive 3 kids in 18 months and now they are school age and flourishing beyond belief. We have the financial means to do surrogacy but we also almost feel like we are being selfish because our kids are happy, healthy and wonderful. So we are really on the fence.

jul76 · July 2015

Hi I am new here. I had a failed Ivf and I feel this is the only way I can have a baby. It has been a crazy process. I embrace it whole heartedly!

LisaLelik · July 2015

I am 40 and was diagnosed with low egg reserve so we chose to use an ED with my husband's sperm after 2 failed IVFs. I'm 16 weeks pregnant now after one transfer with an ED and couldn't be happier. This child I am carrying is as much mine as it is my husband's. Without me the baby won't exist! If you read up more on the topic of epigenetics you will see that in fact the baby will be genetically influenced by the gestational carrier (in this case myself) as genes are expressed differently in different environments. Less importantly but definitely a benefit is the fact that I have an inheritable disease on my side of the family that I really don't care to pass on. Using a ED allowed us to choose someone with a clear medical family history. Lastly, my hubby and his family are incredible sports people whereas me my family are not! When we chose our ED we chose someone's matching me as closely as possible but she turned out to come from a very talented sports family as well so I may end up carrying a little champion

twomommiestobe · August 2015

@KLake42 me and my wife are using donor sperm too! I would love to know more about your journey!

peregrinefalconx · August 2015

I am readying for my transfer in about 4 weeks now with an ED. My journey was much like the emotional roller coaster that most women with IF issues have faced. Each step of the journey readied me for the next. I was literally personally offended after my doc at that time told me, after my MC with my first baby with HB, that I should pursue DE. A year later, many trials later, many attempts later, I was fully confident, had mourned my own genetic children, and could be positive and excited about using DEs. It slightly irks me that my insurance actually would have paid for 3 attempts with my OE/sperm but that my docs would not have even been able to get any eggs out of me, my numbers were so low.

Anyway, I wish there were more people on here...I'm having very complex emotions that have nothing to do with the use of a DE and everything with the exhaustion/fatigue that comes with years of trying to have a baby and now being in my 40s. Oh well.

herfst80 · August 2015

I'm 12 weeks pregnant for the first time ever after using a donoregg from my best friend! Sounds simple but we travelled a long road. Have seen many hospitals (also abroad) trying to conceive with my own eggs (despoten there was a doc who said de would be my best option. It took me (us) a few years to try, fail, fail again and again (low amh, only 3 times eggs collected but to poor quality to fertilize) before we could "close this door" and open a new one. Not passing my genes was hard for me (although a lot of people do not understand) but not being a mother was much harder. So now i wake up almost every day, thinking it's not true, will be over etc. But it's getting better...It's amazing i am experiencing this after 6 years of trying, hopeless feelings, crying, but always going on. I hope everyone may get what they want in the way they want or the way what suits you (since knowing like no other that the way you want is not always possible)!!
Hope my spelling is not too much incorrect (I'm from Holland)..

plumeria05 · October 2015

After 2 failed IVFS, the dr suggested we look into egg donors. My husband didn't like the idea at first but after I got over my depression and many 'crying parties' I decided that my desire to have a baby is much more important than anything else. Even though it's not my eggs, I'll be the one carrying him/her and giving him/her life

perry7285 · October 2015

I am in a similar situation--great family, but want one more. I had two children with IVF and lost my uterus to an emergency hysterectomy when my second was born. I want a bigger family--I am so grateful for the family that I have, but like SnowySnow, I couldn't shake the idea of one more. So we are going for IVF with a gestational surrogate for a third child. I have ovaries to make embryos, but no uterus, so that was the closest I could get to having another baby.

SnowySnow said:

We have a really great family. It was hard fought. Both were assisted reproduction. I was on bedrest from 22 weeks till delivery at 36 weeks with my oldest son and than spent 21 weeks to 31 weeks with my twins on hospital bed. I needed a hysterectomy afterwards. 3 children is a wonderful, perfect family. Both my DH and I come from larger families and we just can't shake the idea of one more. I managed to survive 3 kids in 18 months and now they are school age and flourishing beyond belief. We have the financial means to do surrogacy but we also almost feel like we are being selfish because our kids are happy, healthy and wonderful. So we are really on the fence.

MrsAlT68 · November 2015

Thanks for this open forum. My DH and I haven't done IVF yet but I'm not entirely sure I want to, im leaning more toward a 3rd party option. The infertility process so far has been so much more emotionally taxing than i expected, I'm not sure if I could go through it all. On top of it, if it doesnt work out you end up at 3rd party anyway, emotionally and financially drained and feeling like your settling. So many forums are women who will do anything and everything it takes to get pregnant, I thought I would be that way too but I'm not feeling that way right now. I know it's ok not to but in some ways I feel like a quitter, like those women will go through more than I will to get pregnant. How do you decide 3rd party is for you end explain it to people who don't understand?

peregrinefalconx · November 2015

MrsAlyssaT

I saw your intro on another board. I'm sorry you have so much going on and at a young age. I'm sure you don't really know what 3rd party option might be best for you at this point, if you choose to go that route. 3rd party can mean so many things--surrogates, donor egg or sperm, etc. And people use different options depending on their situation, including out and out adoption of child. So I am not sure if your question was rhetorical or not...

When you said you did not want to do IVF, I assume that means you would potentially use a surrogate, bypassing the need to carry the child. Many people need to do that option for myriad reasons. Each individual woman and couple needs to decide how far they are willing to go on their journey. And it can change regularly. People take breaks while others plow on like they are in a marathon. Given your age and reproductive history, maybe you choose to see how it goes for a few years. Or you start the papers with someone.

As for your questions: 1. A LOT of time, discussion, review of your finances, therapy and support groups can help, education on options and etc. and 2. By the time you have done #1, I think you'll feel confident in an answer to those who might not understand. "We have health issues and decided to pursue X" or whatever feels authentic to you.

It sucks when it seems like everyone around you can easily have kids. Most people I have known, even at my "advanced" age still had an easy time. It took a friend of mine (who is very supportive of me) two WHOLE cycles!! And she cried when it didn't happen. Most of us have been through years of this. And it's ok to not want to go through it. It has broken me down to nothing, then I had to build myself back up repeatedly. Anyway, this is long. Just try and take care of yourself. It's easy to get consumed with the pregnancy thing--have something for yourself.

MrsAlT68 · November 2015

@peregrinefalconx Thank you for your response, no I am not sure what direction we could be going, I was just looking for input from other women who have gone down a 3rd party road or are at least open to it vs women in other boards who are focused on one and one goal only

kuposa17 · November 2015

We've done 3 IUIs then 2 IVFs, nothing worked. 18 months of TTC naturally and thru fertility treatments has worn us down, emotionally and financially. Everyone's limit is different and we've reached ours, we just want to start our family, regardless of how. Having a biological child would be great, but not at the risk of our sanity. For us, at this stage on our journey, we just want to do whatever gives us our best chances of getting pregnant, so we are about to pick our egg donor over the next week or so

daystardreams · November 2015

@MrsAlyssaT We're at the crossroads too. Logically our next step is IVF but I just can't fathom spending all that money when the chances of miscarriage are very high for us. I feel like a quitter too but we're seriously considering using a traditional surrogate. It's hard thinking I'll never be pregnant again but I'm comforted by the fact that I'll never have another miscarriage either. We aren't one hundred percent sure right now but I think it's the way we're going to go.

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