MIL problems...

sarah2311 · November 2015

Okay so my MIL watches DS 1-2days a week while I'm working, but it drives me crazy! She doesn't listen to what I'm telling her I want. And I feel like she ignores me when I correct her and just yesses me to death.
I'm so paranoid when she has him by herself, all she worries about is who is coming over to see him that day or who they're going out to lunch with, that she ignores what time he should go down for his nap and does whatever she wants.

Anyone else with similar problems??
I just need to vent sometimes...

BostonBaby1 · November 2015

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Although I can't say that it sounds any different from what I hear from a lot of my friends. Have you ever heard that saying, mother in laws do everything wrong?

I wish I could give some advice, but fortunately I have no problems with my MIL. Unfortunately, she is very sick so she isn't able to give me any problems.

LinzerBinzer · November 2015

No experience with this yet, but this is one of my greatest fears!!! My mom used to give my nieces and nephews pop and called it a made up word so my sisters wouldn't know if the kids talked about it. Moms are crazy. :-P

anskip · November 2015

I hate this for you! I don't have a good relationship with my MIL and she has not, and will not any time soon watch my DD. Hubs feels the same way. I wish I had some advise!! :-(

juliagulia38 · November 2015

Sorry.

I hope some day that my sons wife will not hate me. My MIL sucks. She doesn't listen to me and doesn't respect me. We actually moved away from them because it was causing me so much anxiety that I couldn't deal with it. We only see her every once a couple months and something always happens. I sometimes scratch my head and wonder how my DH came from this woman. And then I think about people that don't have MIL's or there's are sick and it kinda puts things into perspective. She did raise your DH, who I'm assuming you love, so she did something right?!

DobbysSock · November 2015

Honestly? She does it because she gets away with it. She disobeys your direct instructions regarding your LO and what happens? Nothing, she still gets unsupervised time with your DS. I'm not saying you're doing anything wrong by letting her make her own rules, you just have to decide what is important to you and what isn't. If it bothers you enough then unfortunately you'll have to find alternative child care and your MIL can have visits with LO when you or DH are available to be there to ensure your rules and routines are followed, or shorter visits that don't fall over nap time if that's your only issue (although if she'll break one rule she'll likely break more).

There's no right or wrong - my SIL (bro's wife) is super laid back, doesn't care about routine, and although they eat healthy doesn't mind her kids having whatever snacks my parents give - including when my mom gives my nephew sips of her iced coffees. I have a relatively strict nap and sleep schedule with DD and feel very strongly about what she eats/drinks (she has eczema exacerbated by certain foods and I definitely don't think a toddler should have caffeine). My mom gets free reign with my bro's kids. They're awesome parents and she's a really great Grandma. However, I feel strongly about certain things and my mom respects that. If she didn't, I wouldn't ask her to babysit because if I can't trust her with little things how can I trust her with important things?

knitmama · November 2015

This would really piss me off! It's a tough situation, because I'm assuming she's taking care or your DS as a favor and you're not compensating her. You should be able to set ground rules, though. Can you sit her down for a talk and write down 3-4 things that are non-negotiable? Give explanations, like, "when DS doesn't get his nap on time, he doesn't get enough rest and throws tantrums in the evening. It's causing us a lot difficulty." Maybe if it's a sit down conversation separate from your regular routine she'll realize you're serious.

@LinzerBinzer if I ever found out MIL or anyone babysitting my DD was purposely giving her junk food they know I wouldn't be ok with, they would never be left alone with her again. I have no problem telling them that in no uncertain terms.

It's funny, normally I'm the kind of person who avoids confrontation and puts up with crap for way too long. But not with DD. As soon as I became mom, I have no problem being direct and in someone's face when needed!

LinzerBinzer · November 2015

@knitmama Totally agree!!! It caused some issues... ;-)

sarah2311 · November 2015

@DobbysSock the funny thing is last week I did correct and could tell she did not like it. She tried to ignore me and I just repeated myself until she aknowledged me. I'm not going to let her do whatever she wants if she's helping raise my DS.
My fear is that my DH thinks she can handle 2 babies when it's time, but I truly don't believe she can. Not sure what else to do about child care though. We're spoiled with not having to pay her. Any suggestions??
I'm hoping to work less when baby #2 comes but I still have to work

it kills me inside but we need a new plan.

thebigoaktree · November 2015

This is what scares me about my MIL, and why I'm thankful my husband moved 3 hours away from his family. She's intimidated by me because I speak up when she says something stupid. She's horribly racist and my little womb nugget will have different backgrounded aunts and uncles so I've already explained to my hubs what will fly and what will not. Best thing is I can say to do is speak up, and if she doesn't respect you saying no or your DH she shouldn't be watching your kids. You and your husband have created your own family bubble, and it is a privilege for anyone else to be allowed inside of it. You're the gate keepers.

addyplusone · November 2015

I have a great relationship with my future MIL. She is practically my best friend. But if there was an instance where I felt she was going a little over board I would tell her. I have told her about oranges and candy before but she was really good about it. (DD LOVE oranges but too many make her but break out and diarrhea real bad)

Singingmama10 · November 2015

UGH!!! MIL'S!!!! I think my MIL likes me.... but I'm not sure if she knows how much she drives me insane! She's the one that is always saying little things that are demeaning to me and my parenting style. She'll even totally contradict a past statement she said just so she can disagree with what I say and my opinion on the way I want to raise my child.

Anyways with your situation, I'm a SAHM so I have a little more flexibility concerning when I want her to to watch him. She used to keep him up on purpose because she wanted to spend time with him. It was so infuriating. She would totally disregard when I would show my frustration that he did not nap. So my DH talked to her. IMO it is his responsibility to talk to his mom about things that are an issue. she got better once he talked to her about it.... But, if possible, I have him take his nap before she comes over so I don't have to worry about it.

What I am really worried about is what's going to happen once disciplining my DS (he'll be a year on the 21st) comes into play. She's the grandma that wants to sit by the child in timeout and rub his back and say things like "Oh I'm so sorry mommy got mad" UGH!!!!!!!!! I"m saving my stern talks with her for those lovely times. Both DH and I will have to handle that one I think.

joleri23 · November 2015

We're somewhat estranged from DH's mother - his choice, not mine. Some days I get angry thinking about how we don't have a relationship with her, but then there are times like this - looking at what many of you have to deal with - and I feel relieved. I don't agree with her parenting style at all but thankfully we don't have to deal with it! She probably won't even meet our little one. It would involve travel and she's pretty poor.

thebigoaktree · November 2015

I'm jealous of women that have great MILs. I spent the first year of just dating my husband thinking I did something wrong, then my own mother had to tell me it wasn't anything I did. It's a tough situation and you can't blame yourself, just be thankful your DH is normal, that's what I tell myself.

dolewhipper · November 2015

thegoudalife said:

@DobbysSock the funny thing is last week I did correct and could tell she did not like it. She tried to ignore me and I just repeated myself until she aknowledged me. I'm not going to let her do whatever she wants if she's helping raise my DS. My fear is that my DH thinks she can handle 2 babies when it's time, but I truly don't believe she can. Not sure what else to do about child care though. We're spoiled with not having to pay her. Any suggestions?? I'm hoping to work less when baby #2 comes but I still have to work it kills me inside but we need a new plan.
I'll be totally honest: if you don't like what she's doing, then she needs to stop watching your son. Find a new care provider. If you've already exhausted all strategies to get her to respect your wishes and she's not adhering to them, then why are you continuing to let her watch him? I get not wanting to pay for childcare but then you really can't complain. Personally, I'd stop letting her watch him. That may actually hit home for her. And I wouldn't make plans for her to watch the new baby, either.

QFT

sarah2311 · November 2015

I love my MIL as my MIL. But when it comes to being a grandma it's become a whole new situation.
I would love to be a SAHM its my dream to do so, but right now doesn't seem possible.
I just don't know what else to do about childcare. I'm at a loss because I don't think my DH will go for daycare if MIL is willing to watch for no pay. It's really stressing me out what to do when the LO comes along as well. I need to figure out what to do ASAP.

I guess the hardest part is trying to remember she loves my DS and does want what's best for him. It's just so hard releasing control while I'm at work and don't know what's going on.

sarah2311 · November 2015

@Singingmama10 sounds like you are in the same boat as me with MIL issues. Luckily your a SAHM but how do you deal with her comments like when she talks to your LO like your not there ?
I've had her talk to my DS and say "mommys a meany she let you cry last night" and stuff like that. She had me in tears one day it was awful.

dolewhipper · November 2015

sarah2311 you need a talk with with DH. This is sounding really disrespectful and unfair.

foxa319 · November 2015

My mil is wonderful! She watches ds 3 days a week and is great with him! She watches my 6 year old nephew also, puts him on the bus 3 days a week. I think that helped bc my sister in law is crazy so mil already had practice doing exactly what sil wanted for my nephew and now I'm a lot more relaxed so she does anything I ask! We haven't told our parents yet about LO i know everyone will be excited I just hope mil can handle watching 2 both so young! I don't want to put too much on her. After reading all the pp I feel really lucky! Honesty is best if she's really not doing what you want, or you need to find someone else if that doesn't work!

stephweinstein · November 2015

DobbysSock said:

Honestly? She does it because she gets away with it. She disobeys your direct instructions regarding your LO and what happens? Nothing, she still gets unsupervised time with your DS. I'm not saying you're doing anything wrong by letting her make her own rules, you just have to decide what is important to you and what isn't. If it bothers you enough then unfortunately you'll have to find alternative child care and your MIL can have visits with LO when you or DH are available to be there to ensure your rules and routines are followed, or shorter visits that don't fall over nap time if that's your only issue (although if she'll break one rule she'll likely break more).

DobbysSock · November 2015

sarah2311 said:

@DobbysSock the funny thing is last week I did correct and could tell she did not like it. She tried to ignore me and I just repeated myself until she aknowledged me. I'm not going to let her do whatever she wants if she's helping raise my DS. My fear is that my DH thinks she can handle 2 babies when it's time, but I truly don't believe she can. Not sure what else to do about child care though. We're spoiled with not having to pay her. Any suggestions?? I'm hoping to work less when baby #2 comes but I still have to work it kills me inside but we need a new plan.

Unfortunately I think you're right and you need a new plan. DH might not like it but you both have to feel 100% comfortable with your child care plan. It is a HUGE thing to trust someone to care for your child and the extra money is worth the piece of mind, I promise. it can be great having family care for your kids, but it can also be really, really complicated. I love my MIL, SMIL and mom but to be perfectly honest I'm glad none of them live locally so I never had to make that decision. It would be a totally different story if MIL was receptive to your requests but she's shown you she does not respect your wishes when it comes to your child and that she thinks she knows better. Believe what she's telling you!

DobbysSock · November 2015

sarah2311 said:

@Singingmama10 sounds like you are in the same boat as me with MIL issues. Luckily your a SAHM but how do you deal with her comments like when she talks to your LO like your not there ? I've had her talk to my DS and say "mommys a meany she let you cry last night" and stuff like that. She had me in tears one day it was awful.

@sara2311 I think it's time for you to give her consequences. That is absolutely 100% unacceptable for her to undermine you and criticize you in front of your child. It's only going to get worse and soon LO will be old enough to understand her and it will be really confusing for him. When she does it again, tell her, ONCE, "MIL, do not undermine me in front of my child. It's unacceptable and damaging to him, and very hurtful to me." If (when) she does it again, you pack up LO, turn to DH and say, ok it's time to go home, and leave. Bonus points if you don't go back until she apologizes TO YOU (not to you through DH)

sarah2311 · November 2015

@DobbysSock I agree with you100% this has to end before LO comes along cause she will not be getting both of them every week. I won't be able to handle worrying every time I leave them. Some of the questions she asks me I wonder how she had 3 kids of her own this little. It's like she completely forgets what she's doing most of the time.
I'm having the discussion with my DH before LO comes because we need a new plan.

Thanks for listening!! (I'll probably need to vent again in the near future I'm sure

)

DobbysSock · November 2015

Vent away! Sometimes it's easier to see clearly from the outside and we just need someone with no bias to talk it out with. Hope your DH can see your side of things!

Singingmama10 · November 2015

@sarah2311 Yes... it does sound like we are in the same boat. It's getting a little bit better over here, mostly after DH talked to her. I struggle because she is the type of person that will start world war 3 over something small so we have to handle her with kid gloves. It wouldn't be so bad if she wasn't around that much... but unfortunately my mother passed away 3 years ago... so MIL is the only grandma my kids will have.

She hasn't said the comment about timeouts to me directly, that was actually to my SIL's kids. What she has said to me(or rather DS) is oooooh mommy has it too cold in here.... or it's too bright. why does mommy have all the curtains open. Or mommy lets you eat those big of bites... I hope you don't choke (ps they are super tiny). DH talked to her and it's getting better. but occasionally she says those demeaning things and it's soo infuriating. I have decided that world war 3 will commence though if she says anything about my disciplining style or makes me out to be a bad guy when it comes to discipline. That is an all too important issue for me.

What I have done recently is just stop asking her to come and watch him as much. I make sure that she knows her presence is not necessary so she needs to follow what DH and I want. It really has helped. I couldn't believe it... the last time I went out I got home about when I thought DS would need his nap and she ACTUALLY put him to sleep. I was dumbfounded! Maybe do some research on other childcare plans if she still refuses to do what you guys ask

. It's horrible but she can't keep demeaning you and refusing to follow what you guys want (I'm speaking for myself here too) . And as for DS not wanting to pay for child care.... he's gonna have to get over that because his mom is disrespecting you. I honestly think it's his job though to talk to her. Not yours.

addyplusone · November 2015

Excuse me?? Hell no. I would not allow that. I would have interjected right then and there. Nope nope nope. I want to smack her for you! Ugh.

sarah2311 · November 2015

@Singingmama10 wow my MIL does the exact same!! Luckily she only has DS 1 day a week at the moment. But last week I spoke up because she thinks it's okay to sleep on the floor next to DS when he's napping. And has done it a few times. I flat out told her that I didn't want her doing that. And she responded "I only get him one day" I said it doesn't matter you still have to do what I ask and what I want. I think she forgets that she's doing ME a favor. I'm not working just so she "gets to have DS"
She's worded it like that to, "when do I get him tomorrow" no I'm sorry your watching him for me not the other way around.

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