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December 2015 Moms
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Selfish and snotty or justified?

Bombmom3Bombmom3 member
in December 2015 Moms
Having kind of a rough patch handling the MIL right now. Since becoming pregnant with #1 almost four years ago, clothes have been a hot button issue between the two of us. It started when we announced #1 was a girl and I gently reminded all of the family that we would prefer diapers and other necessities over clothes (and that we are really, REALLY not into pink/frothy/girly items). MIL made it a point to announce to her family that it was her "job" to get very girly clothes/outfits for her since I obviously was not going to. Then made it a point again on FB to post outfits that she purchased for her new grand baby so I could not gracefully return the item/s.

This ended in a huge fight. Eventually I spoke with her about why I felt the way I did (pissed, trapped, and my wishes totally disregarded) and listened to her go on and on how this was her chance to do all of the girly things she missed out on since she only had the one child, my husband, and never got to dress him up etc. so we agreed that I had the right to dislike clothes she purchased and donate or trade them back in and she had the right to buy whatever the hell she wanted.

Fast forward to now - I never get to buy clothes for my kids because she always over shops for them and I just don't have the room to buy additional clothes for them. MIL buys mostly consignment - which I am ok with but I want them to have new clothes as well. Over the years when I have tried to donate or trade items I don't care for I get a huge amount of backlash from her so I've just dropped the whole issue to keep the peace (there are normally other, bigger, issues with her to contend with). My oldest child now has opinions of her own and likes what Gram sends so I just let it go.

Now that I am having a boy, though, I feel like I'm not even allowed to get new items for him! I've told her over and over that we DO NOT need any more clothes for him, I have NO ROOM for extra stuff (really, I don't - we have storage issues here) and she just keeps sending more and more things for him - again mostly consignment. I've bought two or three outfits for him but nothing else because we just don't have the space and, frankly, I have more boy clothes than I know what do with since she's bought and sent us so much. I've told her over and over to just stop and she says she "forgot" and then sends another package out. I feel so selfish and ungrateful about how resentful and angry I am about all of this. I do appreciate her generosity but on the other hand I feel like she is totally ignoring me and my wishes.

Because she is very sensitive and extremely emotional (and tends to way over react when I get blunt with her - generally ends with her threatening to cancel visits here, empty threats involving manipulation tactics - which we ignore - or falling into a snit for weeks and telling family how horrible we are/I am to her) I try and make sure I'm not being a twat before getting blunt and firm with her.

DH feels I'm not being selfish but am being silly for letting a few clothes bother me. Just looking to see if I'm being over sensitive about this because it's been an on going problem and I'm just done with it or if I have a legitimate reason to start the clothes fight back up with her. I appreciate any thoughts on the matter.
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Re: Selfish and snotty or justified?

  • Bombmom3Bombmom3 member
    @kristen2b

    Thank you. I think that might be the route I end up taking with her at this point. Obviously talking to her doesn't work. I've just always felt guilty donating consignment items (since I can't exchange or return them at a store for something more to our tastes or a bigger size). I really feel like I'm just throwing her money away and that makes me feel like a bad person.

    While we are not by any means floating around in loose cash, we do have the money for clothes for the kids. One of the reasons I get upset about the consignment items vs new is I've told her repeatedly that I like the oldest to have at least three new outfits each season (not only because it's nice to have new, but because her sister will inherit them when they are outgrown) and I like to get #2 one brand new item each season as well. I also tell my MIL that I don't expect *her* to get the new items, but that she sends so many clothes I can't get the new things either (the dressers and closets are already full to bursting). She gets snotty and says she dressed my husband in consignment clothes and they were good enough for him, why aren't they good enough for our kids? It absolutely infuriates me because I always come off looking like the a$$hole and she looks like the generous MIL who gets treated poorly :( Part of this is just her personality - she is the eternal victim (she is also a sweet woman who loves her grandchildren and her son, but she is emotionally exhausting to deal with).
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  • celainevcelainev member
    Personally, I was raised in a way where we don't ask for anything. For example, when Christmas came around as children, my parents never asked us to write a list. They would have the joy of purchasing the perfect gifts for us. It wasn't as if we didn't ever get what we wanted, it was more that my parents never taught us to ask for gifts.

    I understand that this isn't the case for everyone. But still, from my point of view, asking someone to not get you anything "girly" is something I cannot imagine. I personally do not want my kid to have only "girly" clothes, but I still would never think to ask. Again, not for everyone.

    So I'm not saying your selfish, you have the right to your own opinion and I do not know the relationship with your MIL. (I also have an overbearing MIL and understand what that feels like.) But I'm thinking maybe if you feel she is ignoring your wishes, she just might be feeling the same way? She obviously wants to spoil her grandkids. Even though you do not want her to, maybe you just have to let it go that she is?

    Bring things you do not want right back to the consignment store if needed... It sounds like she purchases so many things that she probably can't remember every purchase. Keep some of it, put it on your kid when she comes over, and bring back the rest. I normally do not support bringing back gifts, but if you really are overloaded with clothes, then it is fairly regular for people to give them away.
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  • spottedgingerspottedginger member
    I agree with @kristen2b - you've expressed yourself and tried to come to a compromise. She isn't listening at all and you can't control that. Just dress your kids in the clothes you want to. Not your problem if she's wasting her money.
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  • ealiskaealiska member
    I hate everyone so I commend how level headed and kind you sound. You are absolutely not snotty and within your rights to take stuff back/donate it. I like PPs idea about being grateful for the thought but ditching the shit.
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  • shesha0176shesha0176 member
    edited November 2015
    I see your mother in laws point though, if she wants to buy something because she's happy just let her. I saw it with my mom and my sister in law- she never took any if my mom's very generous gifts and always said that my mom bought too much and it really did hurt my mom's feelings bc it was all coming from her heart and a good place.
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  • hayliermhaylierm member
    @mlss903 I really liked your outlook on this. There has to be a balance between feeling and showing thankfulness and having your home/belongings/clothes, etc etc be a reflection of you and what you are comfortable with. I have somewhat faced the same issue with a step mother who is a total shopaholic and it is hard sometimes to not feel like you are being a brat when you just don't have any more room for the junk! Op I agree with the other posters that have said that she is the one throwing money away, not you. Keep what you like, donate, exchange, or sell the rest. You don't have to feel guilty when you have explained your position multiple times from what it sounds like. If any of your children are school aged I bet you could start your own clothing drive for some less fortunate kids there! Haha
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  • dec15mumdec15mum member
    edited November 2015
    *posted twice*
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  • Mizuiro007Mizuiro007 member
    I've had similar issues with my MIL. She loves to buy toys that the kids won't be able to play with for several years and we live in an older apartment with no storage. It's spilled over to both of my parent's houses and just keeps coming. I'm done. Like PPs have said, at this point she's buying for her own pleasure rather than thinking of you.

    Recently I started reading The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo. I have loved this book and it's made it much easier for me to deal with all of the toys and stuff without feeling guilty or ungrateful. The main points I've gotten are to focus on what purpose the purchase was meant to serve, if the purpose has been served, and if the item brings you joy. If the purpose was served and the item doesn't bring you joy, thank it and donate it. In donating an item I don't like or can't use, I'm allowing it to go on to bring someone else joy.

    With clothing in particular, the book also talks about thinking of the clothes as having feelings and ask how they must feel about how they're currently being stored. They need to breathe and not be all bunched together. For myself it's even a thing of I don't want to wash that many clothes. So I keep things we particularly like and are in good shape and the rest are donated or, if they're in bad shape, they are tossed.
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  • Bombmom3Bombmom3 member
    Thank you for all of the responses. Makes me feel like I'm not being totally out of line.
    dec15mum said:

    I agree with the PPs you got great advise.
    One thing I'll add though is give the clothes away to those who need them, homeless shelters, orphanages, charities or whatever.
    They're always grateful to receive things plus it means that someone will wear the clothes even if it'd not necessarily your kids.

    I always donate stuff to the local children's hospital. Since my first child was in their NICU for a little over a month I feel happy knowing it is going to a good cause.
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  • BostonBaby1BostonBaby1 member
    I see both sides of the coin here. I understand that one should be grateful for whatever they are gifted… On the other hand, we live in the city and we don't have room for any excess. We just simply don't have the room. And when people send us things, I get very frustrated when they are sitting out in my living room because I'm an extraordinarily tidy person. I also understand how this is wrong and that I should be appreciative of everything that gets sent to us. I say, once the thank you note is in the mail, do whatever you need to do with the clothing.
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  • merbear32merbear32 member
    Sometimes blessing are disguised.  It is so much better to have to much than not enough. I suggest you donate the extra clothing.  If you can't afford necessities, sell some of  the pieces at a tot swap.
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  • stlmomof2stlmomof2 member
    I agree completely with @kristen2b . Buy your own clothes for the baby and PLEASE donate the rest. Some family will be in need of the clothing. Maybe she'll get the point after seeing DS that he is wearing nothing she gave you.
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  • LittleKickLittleKick member
    I think it's nice that she's thinking if her grandchildren everytime she goes shopping, it shows she loves them, my parents don't ever buy my kids anything and my dad doesn't even know when their birthdays are even though he was at the birth of my 1st and she was born on New Year's Eve, I think he's so wrapped up in his own life he forgets all his kids and grandkids birthdays, my mum however does remember these days but has never brought for my kids throughout the year, I think it would be nice if my kids got clothes from their nanny or grandad once in a while
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  • lauren812laurenlauren812lauren member
    My MIL is exactly the same way! She literally still has all of DH's clothes from birth to up to 7th grade and she also gets very sensitive and upset if you tell her you don't want the 90th bag of clothes she's sent over in 2 weeks. I used to fight with her but the past year or so when she gives me this junk (that's literally what it is, no exaggeration) I just smile, say thank you, and as soon as she's gone DONATE it all. If she brings it up I say it's around here somewhere and change the subject :)
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  • soulfishsoulfish member
    Donate it!!!!! Be thankful and appreciative and quietly donate. Maybe also tell her about teen pregnancy centers or social services. She could go crazy shopping and would be helping someone. There are soooo many moms out there who can't replace holey shoes or keep their kids in clothes that fit. Unfortunately they usually can't even afford consignment and thrift store prices so direct donations help a ton.
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  • kepoolekepoole member
    I totally agree with PP about quietly donating. She can't possibly remember all the outfits she has sent and I would just MAYBE pick one or two to keep and donate the rest. Don't even let the kids open the package.
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  • momotheflyinglemurmomotheflyinglemur member
    I can understand your frustration. Both SO and I are minimalists and his mom has been pestering us about all the baby things we still "need". She is extremely generous and I love and thank her for it whenever I can, but I could not imagine how overwhelmed I would feel if I was getting bag after bag after bag of things I don't need. Alot of the time we talk her down and she gets a little pouty but there is always concessions we can make so that she can get things for "her grandbaby" without filling our house with junk.

    Your MIL needs to be a little pouty. If she is mailing you these packages, maybe just turn them away, return to sender style. Especially, if you have made it clear that you are grateful but she is excessive.

    One of the PP mentioned her using this as ammo against you to the rest of the family to make you seem ungrateful or a bitch, then that she is crazy and needs to go down! If she is this person, then you need to make sure you and hubby form a brick wall, because that is the only way to combat that kind of person.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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  • NellieHarringtonCarterNellieHarringtonCarter member
    I agree with most of the pps. I have a different but similar situation. I've been lucky to get a lot of clothing from my mom and aunt. They usually buy it from Goodwill, but their Goodwill has a "brand new" section from Target and other area retailers, so it's pretty much new. Their tastes and mine rarely align, but I have a general rule (because I've been burned in the past) that I keep whatever they buy for my DD around for X amount of time (depending on the size) just in case there is a situation where I need that particular article of clothing (I heart totes and space bags). My aunt also gets these huge garbage bags of clothing from her boss's three granddaughters. A lot of it is worn or dated, but quite a bit of it has saved me on occasion. 

    While my aunt tends to get a little miffed if she doesn't see my DD in something she's purchased after a while, the understanding with my mom and aunt is that whatever they give my DD, if she wears it or not, it doesn't matter. It's mine to do with as I like. So after so long, I will consign or donate the clothing, but if there are particularly special things in there, I will offer them back (especially if they are new with tags; I usually wait until my DD has outgrown them, with the excuse that she just never got a chance to wear them).

    If you've asked her to stop buying clothes and she doesn't, then do what you want with them. In fact, tell her that's what you are going to do. On the flip side, it's her money, so she can spend it how she likes.
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  • TomekiaBTomekiaB member
    edited November 2015
    I think with gift giving it is the thought that counts--which means the gift giver should be thinking of what the recipients taste are too not just their own. I also don't believe in being overly-grateful for things you don't like, I say thank you, send a thank you note and then return or donate unwanted/unneeded items. My dad can be the best gift-giver when he thinks about it but sometimes he just gets everyone the same thing on sale, if everyone got the same sale item and I don't like it, I don't feel guilty returning or donating. My MIL, I tell my DH when I don't like something, I don't use it and I donate it. Eventually DH steers MIL towards things that are more our style or she realizes that we don't use certain things and adapts, until that happens I donate. 
    *clarity
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  • Bombmom3Bombmom3 member
    edited November 2015
    @groovylocks

    You've hit the nail on the head. She is a manipulative person. I've known this about her since we met thirteen some-odd years ago. It is how she used to "control" my husband as a teen and even tried a lot of tactics once he moved out and was living with me.

    She is a lovely person as well and has good qualities but this is just driving me nuts. Normally we are dealing with much bigger issues with her (the latest is major drama about being out here for the birth of our third and final child, but that's another story entirely). I'm so used to spotting it when she is pulling manipulative stuff and I saw the clothes thing as a "minor" irritation until now that I've not been able to enjoy buying clothes for my unborn son - you kind of made me see it very differently all of a sudden.

    Everyone here has helped me validate feeling like it should be ok for me to donate or just flat out return items to her that I either can't use or don't want. I'm just waiting to feel like I can have a phone call with her that won't end in me losing my temper explaining that any more baby clothes will be either immediately sent back or donated and that I will also be going through what has already been given and culling the excess either by returning it to her (if that's what she wants) or donating them to the children's hospital.
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  • groovylocksgroovylocks member
    Bombmom3 said:

    @groovylocks



    You've hit the nail on the head. She is a manipulative person. I've known this about her since we met thirteen some-odd years ago. It is how she used to "control" my husband as a teen and even tried a lot of tactics once he moved out and was living with me.



    She is a lovely person as well and has good qualities but this is just driving me nuts. Normally we are dealing with much bigger issues with her (the latest is major drama about being out here for the birth of our third and final child, but that's another story entirely). I guess since I'm so used to spotting it when she is pulling manipulative stuff and I saw the clothes thing as a "minor" irritation until now that I've not been able to enjoy buying clothes for my unborn son - you kind of made me see it very differently all of a sudden.



    Everyone here has helped me validate feeling like it should be ok for me to donate or just flat out return items to her that I either can't use or don't want. I'm just waiting to feel like I can have a phone call with her that won't end in me losing my temper explaining that any more baby clothes will be either immediately sent back or donated and that I will also be going through what has already been given and culling the excess either by returning it to her (if that's what she wants) or donating them to the children's hospital.

    Well... What you COULD do is buy your LO clothing anyway - and keep what she sends that you really like. And then? Donate the rest to a battered women's shelter or something similar - battered women's shelters LOVE donations of baby and kid clothing because so many battered women have small children that flee the home with them. It's a really good thing to do and nobody ever has to know :) It's not like she sees him every day.
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  • lalg28lalg28 member
    This is so my MIL. She has gone insane buying 0-3month onesies. I have plenty from my shower, I don't need any. She is just a spender, she has to be buying something every day to be happy you know? I just smile and say they're cute even if I hate them. Then I'll throw my kid in one or two, take a pic, send it to her then try to sell them or donate them lol. It's her money to waste I guess. She's happy and I've not really lost anything anyway. I hate conflict though.
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  • TaylovesbradTaylovesbrad member
    This would drive me crazy too. You are not being selfish at all!!!
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